Steph's diary

[juppster]

Hey Steph...how's you? How's your weekend been so far? Been thinking of you xx

[stephmum]

Pretty crap to be honest but thanks for asking. I'm feeling a bit fed up with myself at the moment. I know it's never a good idea to compare yourself to someone else but...
I have a friend, a very good friend, who has a son the same age as Sophie. She works 3 days a week in a demanding job. When she is not at work her hubby is working so she's on her own with her lo most of the time. Her mum is severely disabled so she spends a lot of time caring for her. Her son still wakes up 2 0r 3 times in the night. He is breastfed and refuses to take either formula or expressed milk in a bottle so in 10.5 months my friend has not had a solid night's sleep.

I on the other hand work 16 - 20 hours a week in a non demanding job. My partner is at home most of the time and does all the cooking. Sophie sleeps 12 hours a night. My mum and sister are falling over themselves to help me look after Sophie.

My point is that my friend mnages to be cheerful and happy and to cope with life despite things being pretty stressful for her. She was an amazng support to me when I was in hospital. Whereas I, well I was in hospital for neary 7 weeks, and still find my easy life stressful. I'm a bit sick of myself really. And this last couple of days I feel tearful all the time - not even sure what about. And I'm starting to think people don't like me. And checking Sophie's breathing loads at night

What is my problem???

[juppster]

Hey Steph

Sorry i have only just read your diary...went to bed quite early last night!

I can totally relate to alot of what you are saying about other people coping. I have 2 or 3 friends who have multiple children, some of them are single parents and have various other sitations to cope with...yet they still seem to COPE! Always with a smile on their face too! But..... alot of the time it is just a facade... i have spoken to one of my good friends about it who was always one that i thought was coping extremely well and it turns out she's not! She just doesn't show it.....so i think for us, to actually admit to how we are feeling and ask for help is far more healthy. I know it makes you feel weak and a failure and all those sorts of things but you really are not....at the end of the day you are doing the hardest job in world...and working so you should be proud of what you are achieving.

Feeling tearful and a little paranoid seems to be all part of this damned illness im afraid...and you really shouldn't feel sick of yourself (says she!!) but just know that you are not alone in how you feel.....please keep talking and keep in touch on FB...you are a fantastic mother and are doing a fantastic job! Lots of hugs xx

[stephmum]

Thanks Jo for the kind words And on one level I know you're right but on another level I keep beating myself up about things.

But I suppose I can't expect for everything to be totally ok when only a few months ago I was so very ill. And all the things like anxiety and feeling tearful and paranoid are pretty manageable at the moment so I shouldn't despair. I think I do have a tendency to get depressed/anxious about feeling depressed/anxious if that makes sense?

I'm seeing my CPN next Saturday so I can chat to her about all this if I still feel a bit rubbish

Got a busy week ahead so must try not to get stressed and panic about housework

X x

[winegirl]

Hi Steph

You have hit the nail on the head. You cannot expect to be supermum over night after being so poorly. Actually, I dont think anyone can anyway and I think your busy friend really is in a minority!

How are you feeling today? I hope you are not stressing about the housework??

WG xx

[sianyc]

I had an amazing mask which hardly anyone ever saw me without.

Outwardly I probably looked as if I was coping wonderfully. Clean home, decent job, exams for promotion, well presented children, home cooking etc etc. Inside I was definately not coping. Having all those things made me feel like I could get to coping mentally as well, just as long as I kept going :-)

Common sense tells us all that we should be happy, should be able to cope, should be grateful for what we've got. The PNI makes it impossible for that to be a reality. We don't feel like this because we want to, it's forced upon us.

Very few of the mums who look happy and as if they relish motherhood are being honest. I usually looked happy when I was out as I was so pleased to be out of the house chatting and drinking tea intead of wondering how the hell I was going to get through the day at home.

[stephmum]

Yes I think you're right and in fact my friend tells me that she really struggles sometimes and would do (practically) anything for a full night's sleep. I guess i just don't believe her because she always seems to be coping. But then prehaps that is just her mask.

I think friends'family were very shocked when I was admitted to hospital because outwardly I appeared to be coping too - clean house, clean, well fed baby, clean and reasonably presented myself but I think I also thought that if I achieved all those things I would feel be happy......In fact I think I still believe that to a certain degree. Prehaps that will change gradually.

And I'm feeling a bit more positive because I had a lovely night's sleep last night.

Am currently deciding if i'm brave enough to go back to the local Homestart mum and baby group. I haven't been since before I went into hospital and I feel like I need to prove myself to them and therefore am reluctant to go. But Sophie used to love it and I think would love it even more now that she is more mobile.

So I really should go shouldn't I?

[juppster]

Hey Steph

I say....go. If it was me i think i would, especially if you know sophie loves it there. You may actually find people that are feeling the same way as you but just wouldn't admit it.

You don't have anything to prove...you are a mother that loves her daughter unconditionally and thats all that matters.

Go and hold your head high...you deserve to xx

[winegirl]

Hi Steph

Yes, I never went to any groups when I had PNI as I was too ill to get out of the house, but now so wish I had done. I feel like it is something both me and my little girl missed out on.

Is it a weekly thing? When is the next meet?

Love

WG xx

[stephmum]

Yes I think I will go. It starts tomorrow but I can't go as I'm working - they forgot I'm always supposed to get Wednesdays off. It's not on the following week so I won't be able to go until the 23rd and then it will be on weekly. I was thinking to myself today about how I used to like going for the chat and also because it was something that I did with Sophie that no one else did - if that makes sense? Work are now on the ball to give me Wednesday's off from next week so I'll have no excuses not to go.

Today I've mostly been feeling ok except every now and then I feel like I want to cry - I don't really know what I want to cry about. I just feel very sad. Then it will pass for a while. I'm not really sure what it's all about?

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Sorry you have been feeling down. How has today been for you? You felt any better???

WG xx

[stephmum]

Thanks WG - have felt slightly better today thanks which is surprising since I've had hardly any sleep as Sophie has decided sleep is highly over rated and has launched a night time protest at the mere idea of sleeping.

Am very tired but think that maybe as I'm only half functioning my emotions have disappeared lol

Seriously I really hope Sophie doesn't make a habit of not sleeping because ti has long be agreed by my mental health team that lack of sleep is a major trigger for me. Still at least I don't have to go work tomorrow and will be able to have a nap during the day.

[winegirl]

Oh lack of sleep was a BIG trigger for me too! Def get that nap tomorrow day time - and I hope tonight is a better night for you and Sophie!!

Love

WG xx

[juppster]

Hey Steph

How was your night last night? Did you manage to get any more sleep? I hope you are feeling a little better....speak to you soon xx

[stephmum]

I'm pleased to report that Sophie slept much better last night She did wake once at about 4ish but a bottle seemed to console her and she went back to sleep happily until 7.30 ;D ;D

I also had a lovely nap for an hour this afternoon so am feeling much more like myself.

Sophie protested a lot at bedtime this evening despite being so obviously exhausted - why do babies not just want to go to sleep when they are tired? I love going to sleep lol I'm hoping though that the protest will have made her eve more xhausted and that she is now asleep until at least 6.30am

Ihave felt much less sad and tearful today so think it was definitely related to tiredness