Steph's diary

[juppster]

Yay...im so glad you had such a good day yesterday...lets hope theres more of the same today!!

I think that seems a bit harsh about the CBT...surely they could have explained to you on the phone that if you needed to re-arrange the appt you would go back to the bottom of the list??!! How very frustrating...still, at least you have been feeling a little better and hopefully once you receive some help with the negative thoughts, you will start to feel even better ;D

Hope the rest of the week goes well for you honey, take care xx

[stephmum]

Up and down, up and down. It would be so nice to just feel normal for a week. But have to remind myself that I have my period at the minute which always makes me feel down and very emotional. So maybe its just that...

[tears]

(((((Steph))))

Periods def dont help. Cant wait till everyday is an ok day for you and I. Im sure it will come. I too find myself more emotional than ever. I guess we both have to remind ourselves that we were severly unwell up until a few months ago and that we wont heal overnight. But im sure we will in time
Tears
x

[juppster]

Hey lovely lady

I loved the photo's of the 1st birthday...she is just adorable... you have produced a very lovely little daughter!!!!

I know what you mean about the up and down up and down..very frustrating but i guess the only way to look at it is that you are not "down" all the time??

Hopefully it wont be too long until you get to the "normal" stage and your mood levels off.....im waiting for that too!!

Hope this week is a good one for you, take care xx

[stephmum]

Thanks Tears and Jo,

I know my period is not helping. I also know that compared to how I was a few months ago these ups and downs are very manageable. Still wish i didn't have them though....

Saw my CPN today and we had a good chat. She is going to push to get the whole CBT appointment thing sorted out asap. She also said to monitor my mood (That sometimes feels like all I ever do!) over the next few weeks and if I think the downs are getting a bit more frequent then she is going to speak to my psych about increasing my anti-d's. I think longterm the CBT will be the most helpful thing but I have no problems with increasing my meds if I need to for a while. At least most of me has no problem with increasing my meds but a tiny part of me wonders is it just giving in to the low mood and a sign that I'm not fighting hard enough?

[tears]

I know, i hate the ups and down. Its the not knowing when im going to be down that bugs me the most and of course the horrible bleakness of being down.

Please dont think you arent trying hard enough. You are accepting you have an illness and engaging with all treatment offered. I believe you are doing all you can to try and fight it. Try not to beat yourself up if your illness requires an increase in your meds, its not a personal failing.

Tears
xx

[juppster]

I agree with Tears honey....you are trying your hardest and accepting all the help you can and you can do no more than that.....if an increase in anti-d's is what you need then so be it...believe me, i have increased and decreased and then increased again my body doesn't know whats going on! Think i may have finally found the right dosage tho?!?! Let us know how you go....sending you some hugs xx

[stephmum]

Thanks tears and Jo - I've been veryup and down trhis week so my CPN said yesterday that she is going to speak to my psych this week about upping my meds. I feel ok that it is the right thing to do as I've been really irritable with my OH and Sophie and that's not fair on them. I find the mornings very hard at the minute. I just get up and want to cry and can't motivate myself. Generally as the day goes on I feel better. according to my CPN it's typical to feel worse in the mornings and she thinks an increase in meds might make the mornings a bit easier so here's hoping..

On a happy note Sophie has started walking and it always brings a smile to my face to see her toddle across the room with her hands in the air to balance herself lol. She is so immensely proud of herself that I can't help but share her enthusiasm. It's so nice to be enjoying her as during the summer when I was in hospital I had virtually no interest in her. It hurts a lot to think back to that but it is the truth and I know that even though things can be hard some days I am so so much better than I was.

[juppster]

Hey Steph

Isn't it great when they first start walking!! You feel so proud and the concentration and effort they put in to just a few steps is soooo funny!

I can so relate to what you say about having no interest in Sophie for a while and now feeling guilty about it! Snap! but, as you say, at least you are in a better place now and on a good note, Sophie wont remember anything about that period in your lives.

Hope you get the result you want with the meds..let us know how you go...keep strong honey xxx

[tears]

Dear Steph,

The 'worse in the early part of the day' you describe is called 'diurnal variation'. Its a really common symptom of depression and one that i suffer from. Theres a really good chance that a increase in your anti-depressants would help smooth this out. When i was really unwell every minute of the day was bad, but as i improved id feel better after 7pm, then 5pm, 3pm etc.

My wee boy has just started walking too and i am loving it. Like you i was so unwell that i needed to be in hospital and because of my illness was really numbed to everything and havent even got a great memory of his first 8 months. It just feels like such a milestone and i feel so proud of him(and a milestone i can remember and feel).Like you i still find the reality of when i was unwell really upsetting. In fact i cant say to anyone 'i was in hospital and had ect' without crying. Think it will be a loooooooong time before that hurts less.

Hope you have a good week
Tears
x

[stephmum]

Thanks Tears and Jo - I've been feeling quite stressed and anxious this week partly because I've had a cold and also partly because I had to work an extra day. I was amazed at how much a tiny change in my routine can throw me. I was so grumpy and snappy with everyone. But am feeling a lot happier today after a nice relaxing Sunday.

My CPN was off all last week but is phoning me in the morning and I think I will say I want to try increasing my meds. If it can help lift that awful feeling of dread I wake up with every morning then that would be great.

My partner is diabetic and goes through periods where he will refuse to take his insulin. He is so stubborn that no amount of pleading will make him change his mind.He only changes his mind once he has become very unwell indeed. I am usually a nervous wreck when he isn't taking it and constantly obsessing about him dying. Plus being extremely angry that he is being so selfish and irresponsible. Anyway he s currently "cutting down" the number of injections he is taking every day because he "can't be bothered". Surprisingly I am not yet in a state of panic. I reminded him that he promised me he would not do this again and reiterated how upset it made me. But I have been calm about it. I don't undertsand why but am wondeing am I just beginning to accept that he is a big boy and knows the stupidity of what he is doing so why should I get upset? Or am I all of a sudden going to go into spontaeneous melt down??!! Why does an otherwise very caring and loving man have to be such a plonker with regard to his own health???

[juppster]

Hi lovely

Unfortunately, i think that tends to be "just men". The majority of them don't seem to take their health seriously enough. Try not to blame yourself though, you are doing everything you can to help him and you can do no more.

I hope you get to speak to your CPN today and that the increase in meds does the trick.....thinking of you xx

[tears]

Dear Steph,

Glad youve had a nice relaxing day

Yes i find it strange that your oh is fddling with his insulin. Especially as it stresses you out and also because its not just his self he has to consider now but your wee one too. I know its not nice to have to rely on meds when others dont but unfortunately its the hand that some of us are dealt. I know your hubby will be aware of it but long term unstable sugars at the hyper end of things chronically impact on all the other systems of the body and can also be an acute concern(right i'll get off my nursey high horse!).

Anyhow, I think your making a good decision trying your meds at a higher level. Hopefully within a few weeks you will start to see the benefit of this and things will be easier. Ive had a couple of weeks without a dip and im praying this continues. Aldo think i might be starting back to work in couple of weeks as long as i dont dip badly. Wish me luck.

Tears
xx

[stephmum]

Thanks Jo and Tears

OH is still only taking his insulin twice a day instead of 4 times a day but I suppose I'm just relieved that he hasn't stopped altogether. He has the diabetic clinic on Tuesday and his consultant frequently gives him lectures explaining what will happen if he lets his blood sugars become too high over a prolonged period. He knows the facts but I think he just doesn't accept that it applies to him. Anyhow we will see what happens on Tuesday and take it from there...

As for increasing my meds - my CPN has done another of her fippin disappearing acts and I have not heard from her for a fortnight now. None of the team actually answer the phone - its just an answer phone and I've left 2 messages but no one has got back to me. It makes me soo mad because I'm with a CPN team that works 12 hours a day 7 days a week to support people who are felt to be very vulnerable. Good thing I'm not having a crisis as no one seems to care. Suppose I should get in touch with my GP. But on a positive note my mood has been quite good this week so maybe I'm ok without any medication increase. Still extremelt fed up with my CPN tho..

Tears, I'm so glad to hear the past few weeks have been good for you. You are doing so well and should be very proud of yourself. I hope things work out for you regarding returning to work. Keep me posted x x

[juppster]

Hey Steph

Im so glad you have had a good week...and hope hubby comes to his senses with a little help from the consultant on Tuesday!

With regards to being fed up with your CPN and team in general....tell me about it!! My SHO was supposed to get back to me over 4 weeks ago and when i finally plucked up the courage to ring her, i was told, rather rudely, by the secretary that she had been too busy and has been trying to do her studies for the last 2 weeks as well as work!!! FFS! so im hearing you there my love!

I hope next week is as good as the last week has been for you.. hugs xx