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Post by winegirl on May 25, 2010 20:11:21 GMT
Thank god it is starting to cool down a bit mate, im not pregnant and even i was starting to lose the will a bit in this heat!!! Have you felt a bit better with the temperature drop today?
That is sooooooooooo sweet about Jodie reading bambino stories! At least that will ease off the nedtime routine a bit - your own story reader on tap!
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Post by gizmoracer on May 26, 2010 9:25:00 GMT
Much cooler today and so much happier thankfully.
With regards to delivery plans, at the moment I'm still peacefully floating in my little fairytail bubble that everything will be the same as before and I'll have complete control etc etc but I know this isn't the case and at some point I'm going to have to face upto it. I've still got that strange 'it's not happening' feeling. I think it's my subconcious trying to protect me. When I was pregnant with the one I lost and my daughter I could imagine us with 2 children and in my mind it was always going to happen no matter what because I was so insistant that Jason was not going to be an only child like me and would have gone through anything to be sure. This time round, dispite it being on the agenda for years and me originally wanting to have 4 children in the long run I just can't see it being a reality. I'm not scared that something is going to happen but it does cross my mind alot if that makes sence. Even with the baby stuff I've just bought and all the talk of baby and upcoming scans, movements etc it's still not real and I can already see that I'm reluctant to form a bond but then it is difficult to bond with something that isn't really here in that sence of the word. I don't think it has helped knowing of someone who has recently had a baby that has ended up in hospital needing an op. It really puts things into perspective when someone you know has worked so hard to put together plans on how to 'not get ill again' and then this happens to them.
Anyway I'm not looking on the bad side I'm just trying to be realistic as to what to do and how to cope should something not go as planned, after all I have 2 other children to take into concideration now and they are alot older. I have already been TOLD that I HAVE to see the anaethetist at some point which to be honest is not fairing too well with me. I keep thinking this means I'm going to need one when the time comes and if I don't see one now then I won't need them later on. How childish is that. I will most probably just sit in the room shaking from head to foot with tears in my eyes. This is a definate got to have hubby with me appointment as I'm not even sure I could walk in there on my own steam. Argh listen to me getting myself all wound up for no reason. I think the scan is on my mind a bit today. Only 1 week to go and as much as I love scans and find them very exciting I have to remember that this one is for a reason and although I'm not expecting anything to be wrong I do need to be prepared for it just incase. I can't suddenly breakdown in front of the kids it's not fair on them they are very sensitive to my feelings and well being and I have to say I'm so grateful they don't remember my last suicide bid or any of the times I've gone totally loopy in the past.
Right so coming away from all this now and focusing on the last couple of days. Other than the heat and feeling generally yuk, not too bad really. OH has cheered up a bit, he's feeling slightly better from the last thing but now has developed a pain in both his legs. It really is one thing after another with him. I don't honestly know how he keeps going and as for working well personally I think he is mad, he is one of the few men around here who works anyway and we would be finacially better off if he didn't. He is still waiting on a test result to come though but we are expecting that to be clear and he has another test he has to take in a few weeks if he can stay off antibiotics long enough to actually take the test.
My back started to ache slightly a day or 2 back now but seems to clear very quickly so that is good for now. I want to hold out going back to the osteopath for another couple of weeks if possible.
With regards to the flat I have to admit to running low on steam when it comes to this one. I'm not feeling strong enough to battle it properlly right now and more than anything else feeling very deflated and let down with it all. We have now got back our yearly ant infestation and I just don't have the energy to start a major cleaning session, will have to teach the cats to catch them instead I think and just keep spraying everything in detol for now.
Next week is half term and we have got the kids in on a crash swimming course to help with their usual lessons, we have also promised them new bikes. These 2 things alone are going to cost hubby a whole weeks wages but we see it as important and the bikes are way over due. Not sure if I wrote about their last lesson but to keep it brief their teacher was getting fed up of everyone putting their feet down half way across so he took them to the very deep end and told them to jump in with the woggle and swim to the other side. Jason was first and took off like a rocket them Jodie asked to go next and did just as well, hubby was well impressed with her. All the other kids in their group ended up having to slip into the water with the teacher holding the woggle for them.
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Post by Weeble on May 27, 2010 7:52:42 GMT
HI Giz
Poor you, its such a struggle being pregnant with older kids isn't it, everytime gets harder. I struggle to hold myself together day by day at the moment. I really understand.
On your back, having had trouble don't hold out, go earlier if you can afford it, because it has been healing and now it is slipping again, in the long term it is likely to get better quicker if you stop it bothering you. Think of it as a treat for you!
Oh the ant infestations, we get the too, I think S thinks Antsys as he calls them are a pet. We get this little discs of ant killer from the shops they stop them in a couple of days.
On the kids, they will know you are low, my 3 year old is able to tell me if I am happy or sad. I have taken to explaining it to him on the advice of my SMHHV and psychologist, it has taken a lot of the pressure of me. If you would like any more info on what they told me I will post it.
I was really sad to read your post on Vickis diary, about the struggle you had when you first got PNI. I think HCPs can be a little too relaxed about depression, after all they are in to risk management. I certainly did not understand the disabling nature of the disease until I had it. If it is any consolation I only get the help I did because I tried to kill myself and then only owned up by being asked by HV how I was doing, a bit like your police event - all hell broke loose. I get lots of help, some of it is serendipity, some of I pay for - my psychologist and some of it is because I have clearly shaken the local mental health system when they knew what they had missed.
So good clinical practice for women with a history of mental illness is for them to referred to a specialist perinatal mental health team, we dont have one locally. But you should ask you gp for the referral, better to be safe than sorry. I have two learned two things dealing with the healthcare professionals and my PNI, do what they say - it makes for an easy life and hold them to account when they are not doing what they should. After all it is only us that suffer not them.
So on to other things, how is today going? Do you have good plans for the weekend? How is your OH doing?
So excited about your scan, ours was lovely, you were so right.
What to post about you birth plan and the anaethetist, but will do that later as need to go and round up S and change T bottom
kat
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Post by gizmoracer on May 27, 2010 13:56:19 GMT
Thanks for you reply Kat, don't know what got into me yesterday, everything just seemed to jump on top of me at the same time. So where do I start? oh yeah it's funny what you said about everytime getting harder. I saw a friend of mine at the weekend who's 8th child is just over a year old (yes you did read that right). This was the only pregnancy she has ever struggled with and did eventually put it down to age, I feel old now and I'm only 32 she was 42 and had all those other kids at home to deal with, a cat that kept having kittens and no partner (they don't live together). Doesn't it make you sick how some people swan through it all so easily. My back's not been too bad, hubby said the same as you, to go back sooner which I may well do. At the moment it eases just by doing a couple of streches but I know I can ring and get an appointment within a day or two so if it gets any worse I will do. I have a new found hobby, spraying Ants with dettol lol, such great fun, very sad I know but it works wonders. I will have to look out for something more perminant though. What is the stuff you used? and do you know if it's harmful to cats? With regards to what I put in Vikkis thread. It's bad when I look back at what little help I had in the past and how it looks like I could easily slip through the net yet again but to be honest I kind of like it this way. I'm not getting stressed out with having to see various different people and wondering what they are writing about me and I know I'm being well looked after by friends and family and they will get me the help I need, if I need it. Yesterday evening was funny in an odd sence of the word. As you know we've been having problems with Jodie being violent towards Jason, well it's got to the stage now where we have had to tell Jason to hit her back. He wasn't too sure about this one but I just said make sure you don't do it infront of us or too often. Anyway, there was a cafuffle at tidy up time and I heard Joey hit him, then I heard another slap and she started crying. I went to see what was going on and Joey appeared from their room, holding her hands under her chin and blood pouring out from her mouth. Next thing we know her tooth has fallen out. It wasn't that wobbly Obviously Jason got called in to chat with Daddy. Turns out he didn't hit her in the mouth as I first thought but did slap her back. From what I can work out she was wobbling her tooth and he must have knocked her elbow as he walked past. You'd have thought it might have made her think twice even so. but apparently not, this morning she was still winding him up and when I asked her what happened last time she upset her brother the answer I got was ' I got £1 from the tooth fairy!!!' and 'Oh Jas by the way I've got another wobbly tooth can you help me knock it out please?'
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Post by Weeble on May 27, 2010 17:19:12 GMT
Thats life, it all jumps on us at the same time.
Reading everything you have written - a few responses, your mate with 8 kids and 42 must be super women, I only have 2 kids and will be 40 in three weeks time and I am a wreck. Pleased you back is better and pleased your OH Is so supportive. I was thinking today about what you said about him working, what a great role model for your children he is despite all the battle with money.
Love your story about Jas and jodie, typical kids well done on your son for standing up to him.
I have been thinking about your fear of epidurals, why are you so scared of them? funny I am scared of not having one and you are scared of having one, what a pair.
Hope all ok again today and look after your self
Kat
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Post by gizmoracer on May 27, 2010 18:48:03 GMT
Lol yeah it is a weird one isn't it. Most people I know refuse to even concider giving birth without one. I have a few problems, firstly I have a fascination with anything medical (Was originally working towards becoming a genetic counseller when I was younger but couldn't get my head round chemistry). So I tend to know more about things than most of my friends do. I guess alot of them just think 'well hey if it's gonna take away the pain I'll have it'. I understand what it is and how it's put in. Dispite having my back tattooed I'm terrible with needles and the thought of having something threaded into my back just makes me feel ill. I know of alot of people who have suffered with back problems since having epidurals. and everyone I know has said how painful they are including a nurse friend of mine who swears blind she would never go near one either after having seen a few put in. Then on top of that if you are talking having one for a c-section, that brings on my fear of operations in general and the thought of being awake while someone cut me open is ludecrous. I guess alot of this stems from me never being an ill child as such. I was always up A&E with various injuries mainly hockey and karate related when I was younger and have seen a gaenocologist from a young age as well but never needed to stay in hospital or have anything done til I was 14 and that was just a blood test. The woman who did it was a complete bit*h and treated me like I should know what I was doing and got angry with me when I cried coz I was so scared. My Mum had taken me with her when she had a blood test done a few months before hand and the light made it look like the needle had a hook on the end, I can still see it now. All I could think about was having a hook raked through my arm when they pulled it out. I guess this doubles into my fear of blood tests. I'm good arn't I (think there are a few things I'm not scared of lol). Think the other thing is knowing you have no control over this sort of thing. I also know of a few close freinds who have needed emergancy c-sections and been given an epidural then litterally sliced open seconds later long before it took effect. I really can't think of anything more horrendous. I have only gone under general once which was Jan last year when I had all 4 wisdom teeth out, I sobbed my heart out when they put me under and of course my OH wasn't allowed to be with me while they did it either but I could just about handle having that done again now I know what to expect and I suppose I would be the same had I ever had an epidural, I mean it can't be that bad if people go back for more can it.
My son was born after a very long labour, I had 3 sweeps to set him off and thankfully the last one worked on the Sunday morning. I was due to be induced Mon pm and had my heart set on the birthing centre because it was not medical looking and I felt safe there. I was in labour all day sunday and monday lunch time when I went back and they checked me over they broke one of my waters by mistake. They told me after he was born that by doing this (they didn't relise at the time it was only the 1) they put me into the pain of being induced without it actually progressing as such. I was given a pethadine injection monday afternoon to try and make me sleep but that just hurt like hell and didn't do anything for the pain. Then they finally allowed me into the birthing pool at 8pm, that was bliss and he was born just over half hour later. I was home first thing in the morning.
My daughter was born the day after her due date. OH was on nightshift and came home at 8am and went to bed. I told him I had a feeling today was the day and to get some rest. I then rang my mum about 9am to make sure she had Jason and not my MIL just incase I went into labour. My Dad being a typical Dad paniced and said he would come straight over. I told him to chill as I wasn't in labour and to wait for the rush hour to go first (it can take almost an hour to get from their side of watford to us in rush hour and bearly 10 mins with no traffic). He ignored me and they came steaming over at about 2 mph lol. Think they got to me about 10.30. By which time I had tummy ache. Mum pritty much ordered me to ring the hosp. and Dad woke OH up and told him to get in the car. It was so funny, the midwife on the phone was telling me to get a move on coz it was my second, all I wanted to know was can they reserve the birthing pool for me and my OH was trying to convince my Dad to go via Tesco so he could get a magazine because we were there so long last time. My Dad was all of a panic and nearly left without me. When we got to the hosp. I decided to walk up the stairs for some reason and got half way up and had to send OH ahead to get a midwife coz I wanted to push. They got me into my room on the birthing centre and just about onto the bed. The student midwife went to check me then turned white and yelled out 'help I can see a head'. Jodie was born immediatly and I sent OH out to call my parents. He rang them at our home just as they walked out the door. It really was that quick. To this day OH still has only a very vauge memory of her birth where he didn't get a chance to wake up. I was home with her a few hours later.
So to be perfectly honest most of my fears are totally unnessesary. What is bothering me at the moment is because of my weight they won't allow me on the birthing centre and to me it is home but safer, and the doc seems convinced I'm going to get pre-eclapsia and have to be admitted and induced. If I can stay well, like I did both times before the chances of me making it to hospital are personally quite slim. I truely do believe I will end up delivering at home with an ambulance on call. Which to be fair doesn't scare me but no doubt does my OH.
Really sorry I got on a bit of a roll there.
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Post by Weeble on May 28, 2010 16:57:39 GMT
Hi Giz
Really interesting, made me thing a lot about you and your feelings about the hospital. Have lots of things to write, but need a period of time to do it. Promise to come back
Kat
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Post by Weeble on May 29, 2010 20:44:04 GMT
Hi Giz, your fears are totally rationale, I am the women who will not be in the room on my own with a male dr if you want irrationality. So here are some facts, you have had two successful deliveries, you are very likely to have another one. Remember you are in charge, they can not make you do anything you dont want, if you want a home birth you can have one. your feelings are totally justified and after everything you have been through totally understandable. As a obese mum too, I know exactly how you feel, I refuse to be weighed at the moment as it is just too much to bear on top of all the other rubbish. I think it is a big issue that the HCPs have not grasped yet that this focus on our weight contributes to our anxiety and misery, the old thinking that you left every woman alone and dealt with it after the baby was born was so much more sensible than this humilation we suffer.
Next some ideas for taking control of this situation
1. tell your midwife - the good one how scared you are - ask if she can arrange for you to go and look round the hospital just in case, go more than once??
2. Make an appointment to see the anaethetist, and tell him about you concerns - they will not do and epidural for a section they will do a spinal which is a much stronger anaesthetic, for my first delivery I had one and it was great so much better than a GA. Yes, people do feel something, I could feel something, but it was the pressure of them pulling my first son out, never pain. I have lots of friends who have felt the pressure
Finally, your chance of getting pre eclampsia is really low, and they should not be worrying you. Your blood pressure is probably higher because you are so scared when you see the HCPs. Most women who get pre eclampsia get it with their first pregnancy, they are at increased risk in subsequent pregnancies. All women with new partners are at increased risk. even if you do get it, it is often well treated and does not interfere with a natural delivery. Please dont worry. Look after yourself and if you ended up delivering at home that would be amazing, I am not surprised you are not worried about that.
Look after yourself and keep in touch
Kat
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Post by gizmoracer on May 29, 2010 21:28:42 GMT
Thanks Kat thats really helped Unfortunatly my nice midwife isn't here anymore but to be fair I tend to have the attitude that I know more than they do anyway on the basis of most midwives I have come across don't have kids and so haven't been through it. I am due to see the doc again in just over a week to check my blood pressure. I have decided to stick with this one doc, I sort of know her and the other antinatal doc terrifies me. I can make an appointment for a tour of maternity and was going to do this again anyway on the basis of needing to see this other area again and preferably from a more positive angle. I also have a friend who is expecting her first a week after me so we have talked about going together I just said to her that I wasn't going to look at the birthing centre as it will upset me but she should go in there to see. I didn't think about going twice that could be worth it. The anestatist I will get an appointment with anyway, not sure when I think quite a while yet which is fine by me. I'm going to need the support of my husband to physically go into this appointment, which I know is stupid but he does understand me and my fears. One way or another I will go though think I need to. I had forgotten about the spinal, though from what I gather it is very similar to an epidural in the way it is put in, am I right on that one? I was told the difference being an epidural can be topped up but a spinal is a single dose? Have to admit my big panic about it all seems to be fading for now, I still have a long way to go and right now it's more important I look after myself. I was about this stage when the pni set in with my first and I have already had the occassional night when 'those thoughts' have started to go through my head. Basically when I can't drop off. Might have to give the baileys a try in future and just go straight to bed. This might stop me dwelling on stuff.
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Post by gizmoracer on May 30, 2010 12:14:39 GMT
Not feeling good today, nothing specific just don't feel able to cope with the usual things that need to be done and just want to be alone and cry. Am shattered too physically and mentally, want a break from life.
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Post by Weeble on May 30, 2010 12:19:52 GMT
Giz Know just how you feel, interested to know what your "bad thoughts" are about, you know I have a wide range of them. I looked up this for you about spinals etc, this is the royal college website and the information sheets seem really good, might help you get prepared to meet the consultant. I am like you I take my OH with me for difficult appointments, we work out all the questions I need to ask in advance and he makes sure if I get stuck he speaks for me. www.rcoa.ac.uk/index.asp?PageID=69Well done on thinking through the birth, I would start going to the maternity ward soon and go as many times as you need to go until you feel calm about it. Remember to do something positive before and after, make sure you have a good laugh at it and spot all the nice things not just the horrible things, easy for me to say though, I cant walk past the doors into the delivery suite, let alone go in. Hope you get some rest and the kids dont drive you up the wall. Thinking of you and willing to listen to anything you need to talk about Kat
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Post by monica on May 30, 2010 14:27:21 GMT
Hi
How are you? You sound as if you'r enot having a good day so big hugs your way.Any chance of having a rest? Something to distract you? Does that help a bit?
I think you know what you want and I too don't think your fears are irrational. Btw I had epdurals with my first and third and they were both fine with no side effects afterwards. In my case I was so exhausted I need something to stop the pain so I could just get a rest and it did that. But everybody is different and if you don't want soemthing you dont' have to have it. TBH I bet this birth will happen quickly.It's a shame they wont' let you have baby at the birthing centre - maybe that's something you could push for if your bp is oketc.
Your hormones are probably oall over the place coupled with the fact you also have two other kids to look after - it's very tiring. With my third I was exhausted most of the time. I'd have many days when I'd drag myselfl from place to place and yearned for a breather so get as much rest in as you can.
Love
Monica
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Post by gizmoracer on May 30, 2010 17:38:20 GMT
Thanks ladies. Still not feeling brilliant but slightly better. It has also been winding me up today that I've not felt much movement but I've been thinking and relised that I seem to get a couple of days of hyper baby then it calms right back down to no more than a few flutters for a day or two.
I ended up helping OH with some soldering this afternoon so that took my mind off a few things and I've got a warm bath waiting for me now.
Monica - I'm hoping to convince them to let me on the birthing centre later on anyway. I have a scan at 34 weeks which I think will be followed by a consultant appointment so I'm gonna give it my all then and see what they say.
Kat - thanks for the link, I'll have a proper look when I can concentrate a bit better and I'll also write about my thoughts too. They are quite hard to explain.
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Post by winegirl on May 30, 2010 20:08:08 GMT
Giz, I am soooo sorry you are feeling this way today, and sorry that I am just catching up! How are you feeling now?
What you are feeling and going through is to be expected right now, so be good to yourself and know that you need some down time?
You have my number/email etc.. so if you want to chat/rant/cry whatever just drop me a line.
I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you hun...
Much Love
WG xx
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Post by Weeble on May 30, 2010 21:41:35 GMT
Hi Giz,
Going to turn out my newborn clothes have a small pile of second hand but very good condition newborn baby girl clothes, which I am never going to need, would you like me to post them to you. Wont be offended if you say no for any reason, just thought I would offer before they go to the charity shop
Kat
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