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Post by kittykatt on Feb 18, 2010 21:07:14 GMT
I'd been doing quite well over the past couple of weeks after a change in medicaton to Venlafaxine. However, I've found the thoughts have been changing. They are slightly less about worry about sexual abuse and now more about wanting to harm my child which has started my distress all over again. It seems to happen mainly when I am particularly stressed or frustrated or when baby is particularly whingy/difficult but I'm having the most horrible thoughts. Some I'm frightened to mention in case I shock but one of them is that, if I fell down the stairs and landed on baby, would I care. Sometimes when I am tired or stressed I look at my baby and think I don't love him/wish I had not had him and that kills me.
Also, when I have a particularly low mood I find myself haunted by everything that has happened/I have thought since I got pni from start to finish over the last 5 months. Feel like this will always happen every time I have a down mood. Does all of this sound familiar to everyone. I'm terrified that, one day, I will post something on here that someone will say clarifies I am a monster.
KittyKatt
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Post by kittykatt on Feb 20, 2010 23:15:57 GMT
I saw my perinatal nurse yesterday and she said the leap from 75 mg of Venlafazine for two weeks to 150 mg has obviously been too much for me as I was pretty sedated, couldn't focus, felt nauseous all day. She said this could account for my feelings of frustration etc. Today, I feel like me again and feel such a deep love for my baby again (although am still fighting a lot of the thoughts). It terrifies me what this illness can make you think/the struggle to find the right medication can do to you! Last night I just wanted to run away on my own and leave my husband (I told him this also as I felt he'd be better off away from me) and child. I'm trying not to let the guilt of the past few days and feeling that I do not love my baby/want to hurt him not drag me down again.
KittyKatt
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Post by to shy to speak about this on Feb 24, 2010 20:55:58 GMT
Its so hard kittykat it really is becausde you actually convince yourself this is who you are but its not!! Its awful but you have to try and get through the dark times to see the light at the ned of the tunnel, Sounds like your meds were a big part in how you were feeling and maybe trying out different ones that suit you more might make you feel a bit better, but this does get better with time gradually day by day it seems a little less bleak and the thoughts will ease... My lo is nearly 4 and I still get thoughts popping into my head now and again but I can dismiss them now and not try to analyse them and think about it too much which took me a long time. Kepp talking on here hun it really does help knowing that theres other women who are suffereing and understand what your going though. Kepp talkign hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by kittykatt on Feb 24, 2010 21:39:05 GMT
Thanks Too Shy to Speak about This. Since taking my medication back down I have felt better but each day I have had a bout of rage where I have been awful to my husband and thought I wanted to leave. It all culminated in this morning when I told my husband I didn't want to be near my baby and hated him/thought I would hurt him. Luckily my perinatal nurse visited quite early this morning and made me see that the anger is actually anger at the depression and how I feel and the fact that it is still haunting me/I am still getting the horrible thoughts. It's a build up of frustration and it helped to talk to someone unbiased. Have had a pretty good day today although I'm trying hard not to blow again tonight. I always seem to feel worse when I'm in my house and I feel the responsibilities that I cannot keep on top of more.
Does this all sound familiar? Thanks for your support! xx
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