Thoughts - wanting to rather than fearing you wil

[Weeble]

It has taken me some time to ask this, but I am hoping there are enough people around at the moment that someone will have an answer.

I have a terrible recurring thought, its most common place it occurs is in my babies room when I am feeding him. The thought is visual and when It happens I want to hurt by son. I dont want to say what I would do. I am clear that I would not do it, and if I ever thing I will I will pack myself off to the nearest hospital asap. But it scares me because I want to do it so much. I read other people explanations on threads and that is what my psychologist says that they are punishment thoughts I am punishing myself for my feelings. However, I have never heard of anyone else wanting to do it everyone seems to live in fear of doing it.


Kat

[dancingqueen]

Dear Kat,

I know it must have taken a lot of courage to ask that so didn't want to read it and not say anything. And I hear what you have been saying about not feeling able to open up to HCPs etc. about how you are really feeling due to overreaction, child protection cranking into overdrive etc. (Trust me, I get it, especially if you have had previous bad experiences, and I certainly don't want to be a dreaded HCP type). I also hear what you are saying about thoughts just being thoughts, and you currently being very clear in your mind that those thoughts will never translate to action. You sound like a really strong woman who is determined to stay in control and beat this illness on your own terms, and I think your fighting spirit is a real inspiration.

BUT I can't lie and tell you that this is not a worrying symptom, at least in my book. And I think if you really do have good insight then you will know and accept this too, and realise that there is a certain degree of risk attached to this symptom, which extends not only to you but also to your family.

It is true what you said about people finding a way to harm themselves and others even on a ward but you have to admit it would be a lot more difficult, AND the hope would be that you would be kept alive long enough to be treated effectively to the point where you didn't want to do those things any more. It is easy to have a distorted view of what is best for yourself and others when you are unwell. I ended up being sectioned and held against my will for my illness, but I'm really glad I was now, it probably saved my life. Don't be afraid to use the letter from your consultant to ask for admission if you feel you need it, it is not a poor reflection on you to be able to recognise when you need extra help to manage your risks temporarily (and this is an illness that DOES and WILL pass). You have clearly been through a lot in the past few years, more than most people could probably handle without a serious threat to their mental health.

This is a CBT technique that has worked well for me: Just think about what you would want to say to a friend who was suffering with PNI and coming to you for advice with these thoughts and feelings. What would you tell her and how would you advise her? Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion, and the same degree of regard for your continued wellbeing that you would treat a friend.

You are clearly NOT the only woman to ever experience this. Thoughts of wanting to harm your baby are DEFINITELY a symptom of PNI... the one everyone worries about (along with suicidal thoughts, which I understand you have also been having). I don't know what to tell you. Just be careful. Loss of insight can come suddenly and unexpectedly and if that happened, I'm not sure you could guarantee what you would do at that moment any more than anyone else who loses their sanity. No reflection on you personally, so please don't take it that way, just a reflection of the nature of the illness. There is an element of it that the strongest person in the world cannot control through sheer willpower alone (although I feel you are trying hard to prove that wrong!).

I really hope things improve for you soon xxx

[Weeble]

Thanks Dancing Queen, I am ok at the moment, I have been honest with my therapist about my symptoms, I trust her. thank you for nagging me though, you have made me decide to ask more questions about the bad week last year and to discuss with my psych clear rules for the next few months if I decide to deteriorate.

Funny this mental health thing, never had a single problem before I had children and then developed PNI - anxiety with my first son which we all put down to life events, made a full recovery and then crash. Wierd.

Kat

[winegirl]

Hi Kat

Yes, many many ladies have the thoughts of actually doing it, even though they know they will not act - and it is VERY frightening. But what sets this apart in mental health is that feeling of knowing you will not act, despite how much you think you may.

It is a horrible symptom to have, and I am sure you have looked through the other threds in this section to see how it has affected many women. But to my knowledge (which as a trainee isnt the greatest!), it is usually one of the first symptoms to die down.

Yes, like you, I had no MH problems before childbirth, and as hormones affect every function of our body, it makes sense to me that they are responsible for what goes on with our mental health too. One day when I go for the Phd I will attempt to formulate an answer!

Yes, I agree that you do need to ask more questions, and I really hope you get the answers you need!

WG xx

[Weeble]

Hi girls. Need to ask about these thoughts again. They started again this week wanted to really hurt the babies. It really scared me because I was so a angry at the time. It was the first time ever that I have actually worried that I would really do it. The anger was so intense. Has anyone else experience of this.

Kat

[Weeble]

So finally got the confidence to tell someone about these my smhhv. She was lovely and made me promise to tell my cpn, so will do. Glad I told someone.

Kat

[monica]

Sopleased you told someone hun. It's not easy to do that but if the hcps know how you are they can try adn do somethng to help you. Have you made any decisions re: meds?

[Weeble]

Yes going to take everything they are suggesting and going to do everything my psychologist says weaning off feeding so I can start.

Thanks mon

Kat

[Weeble]

Got to tell my cpn tomorrow quite scarred as i would not trust myself. Fingers crossed at least I have not had them again.

Kat

[Weeble]

Hi

Spoke to my cpn today, she said that my smhhv and her had done a risk assessment and the kids are ok, they don't believe I would harm the children. She said the anger is because I am getting better. Mighty relieved its ok. Promised I will say if they happen again.

Kat

[wanagetoverthis]

That's great news Kat, what a weight off and at least your anger is for a positive reason if you know what I mean? As in you're getting better, that's great

N xxx

[sadmum39]

Keep going Kat - you are so brave (which is amazing - great work!) and you are making sure that whatever it takes, you are keeping safe, and keeping your chidren safe and loved. Well done x

Weebles wobble BUT they don't fall down !

[Weeble]

Thanks girls, they keep coming but have never felt as worrying as that time. My cpn says she hopes the quetrapine will stop them.

Kat