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Memory
Jun 9, 2010 11:01:23 GMT
Post by kittykatt on Jun 9, 2010 11:01:23 GMT
A feature of my PND from almost the beginning and a feature of one of my past episodes of depression is a memory I have of something I did in my childhood/adolescence that I am not sure ever happened. The first time I recalled this memory was when I was grieving and became depressed and I cannot remember having it before then (25 years). However, it has bothered me much more during my PND. Has anyone else had this problem during their PND? It is a major factor towards my anxiety and panic attacks as my mind searches for details of the memory and facts that would prove it was real or false.
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Memory
Jun 9, 2010 16:41:17 GMT
Post by Weeble on Jun 9, 2010 16:41:17 GMT
KittyKatt
this has happened to me and has and still is tormenting me, I have tried endlessly to sort it out in my head; and it is horrible. I have to say it has been a relief to see your post and find out I am not the only one.
When I had my son T, I experience was I call my memories what my HCPs call flashbacks etc to a number of things in my life - I woke up from the surgery like this - these include T's labour and delivery and the first 24 hours post partum, and three experiences from my adult life that people knew about for instance my husband because I talked about them. As I became worse my flashbacks got more intense and if they occurred at the same time as I felt physically threatened my memory would feel like it was collapsing and I would find myself with more memories. By the time I got to early Jan I had a list off 22 events. In an effort to sort them out, I went through the list and found that with the exception of four how i described them either my OH or my father remembered them happening. although my OH was often not present he had heard me come home from work and talk about them endlessly and so remembered them. I was left with four that I could not check out - one I knew was true as when it came back i knew it but I had been an adult when it happened.
So I have three of these from when I was a young child under ten years old. I have repeatedly tried to convince myself they are not real. I will not tell anyone about these because I want them to be false, but also I feel scared that my brain has made them up. However, the more work I do on my messy head, the more evidence I find they are true. So for instance I have violent visual thoughts of harming things, but these are always sort of like a cartoon drawing, maybe only the back of T head for instance. however, these are far more detailed, I know the weather, the time of year, I can see the clothes I am wearing but only on my legs and wrists. however, I still convinced myself they were not real. My psychologist has been working on the ones I will talk about and firstly i discovered even in my adult memories although I can remember some of it. I had blocked out and not talked about a big chunk of the event. A few weeks ago when my psychologist was making me talk about my memory of when one of younger sisters died when I was about 2.5. I only remembered a small past of that memory but she helped me see so much more of it, I then understood my memory was blocking lots of stuff. So in conclusion I am having to come to terms with this stuff is real, because everytime I check it is all real but I will never truely know as i have no one I can ask about what happened - they are dead.
this may not help i know but do know you are not the only one
Kat
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Memory
Jun 10, 2010 10:21:47 GMT
Post by kittykatt on Jun 10, 2010 10:21:47 GMT
Thanks so much Kat I can always rely on you to reply and try to help. You seem to have so many symptoms of this plague of an illness. It really is the main thing to be still driving me crazy/causing anxiety now I just can't seem to let go/stop trying to figure things out.
I really appreciate your support and hope you can find answers too!!!!
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Memory
Jun 10, 2010 13:31:32 GMT
Post by Weeble on Jun 10, 2010 13:31:32 GMT
You are welcome Kittykatt, I have to say I started to celebrate when I saw your post because you are the first person I have found with the same problem. Just like you it is driving me to distraction.
How is everything else
Kat
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Memory
Jul 24, 2010 18:05:56 GMT
Post by kittykatt on Jul 24, 2010 18:05:56 GMT
Hi Kat
I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've been on the site. Been very up and down but now back to feeling I'm back to square one. The above problem is still driving me insane. I am currently reducing my Mirtazipine to start Lithium and I feel terrible. How are you doing?
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Memory
Jul 24, 2010 19:36:11 GMT
Post by Weeble on Jul 24, 2010 19:36:11 GMT
OHHH so know that above problem, have you talked to your therapist about it?? If you have one., I was tormented by mine in the middle of last night.
I am up and down too, 8 -9 weeks to go until the baby is born, I am looking at more drugs too, dont really want to talk about it on open forum. Still get very low and dangerous at times, but was given hope this week by a second opinion psychiatrist who explained lots of options on drugs to me. I missed having you around again, was thinking how you were doing the other day. Please talk more about your memory, I can only give you my insight from my personal experience but it might be good to have someone listen.
Kat
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Memory
Jul 24, 2010 20:55:35 GMT
Post by kittykatt on Jul 24, 2010 20:55:35 GMT
Yes my suicide thoughts have been terrible over the last few days even so much as picking what I would use up, looking at it then putting it away again. My husband caught me in the cutlery drawer and panicked. The memory is not something I would want to talk about on the open forum and is quite embarassing to me. Is there a way you can chat one to one on this site?
KittyKatt
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Memory
Jul 25, 2010 19:05:23 GMT
Post by Weeble on Jul 25, 2010 19:05:23 GMT
Hi Kittykatt
A couple of options, you can talk in a protected area on the relationships board. You need to ask one of the moderators for the password. The advantage of that is the moderators use it as well and are really helpful. You will find I have a long thread there of stuff. The other option is personal messaging, I think the password protected area is the best bet, but it is totally your choice, I will listen wherever you post
Kat
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