Lo's Diary

[mrsdp]

Hi everyone

This is such a great idea, especially as others can comment/advise/suggest and most of all support. It feels a bit uncomfortable "shouting" about how I'm feeling on such a public place but I guess admitting how you feel to others and accepting support is all about the recovery process. We're all in the same boat after all.........

Well, to introduce myself briefly......in February this year, I gave birth to a beautiful boy called Spike. I had a wonderful symptom-free happy pregnancy and was so proud of my bump. But the labour was horrendous - 36hours with a birthing pool, gas and air, epidurals, pushing, forceps, an emergency c-section and then a blood transfusion!!!! Thankfully, my sense of humour with the hospital staff and my incessant chatter made it a bit more bearable, if exhausting.

I have always adored children and rolled around on the floor with them and mess about and I am godmother to 2 children too. Everyone suggested I should be a nursery teacher and that I would make a fantastic mother and for years I was soo excited about having a child of my own. Finally, I met such a wonderful man. We got married, had an extraordinarily long honeymoon where we travelled around the world for 9 months and then we had a baby and THEN found and bought our dream home in the country. Life was great. I was in such an amazing place.

Or so I thought.

The start of Spike's life was confusing, exhausting, hilarious but I was reasonably happy with my lot. 4 months later though, we moved house and I started to really hit the lows. I've got a delayed reaction to the death of my father from 3 years ago so cry every day over him (never really cried that hard after his death. I just pretended he was on another holiday/business trip or we'd fallen out but I would see him again some day).

Raising Spike was proving a minefield of confusion, tears, angst, frustration. I started to feel so resentful about my lack of freedom and the mountain of responsibility Spike arrived with. I yearn for my old life of freedom, adventure, drunken nights out.

I started to get angry when we put in place routines or measures to make him sleep/eat and it would all go out the window if he changed it.

From the day he was born, I've always felt like a 'babysitter' and I still do. I adore Spike, he is so beautiful and has such a hilarious character but I'm not getting this overwelming protective motherly love for him.

I lose my patience with him.

I don't miss him when I have some free time away from him.

I'm constantly looking to my husband for reassurance and guidance on raising him.

I've gone from an extrovert, loud, silly-but-happy, optimistic and glamerous woman to a sour-faced, painfully shy, negative, unsociable, unkempt woman.

I get at least 6 - 8 hours sleep a night (as my husband and I do 'shifts' with looking after him) but I still could sleep forever.

I cry every day, have little appetite and more worringly, have seriously considered, if not running away and leaving both my husband and Spike, then committing suicide.

I've been to the doctor and am on anti D's - Lofepramine - which make me soooooo sleepy and 'drunk' every day. I'm due to see my doctor and health visitor again next week.

None of this makes sense to me. I've suffered with depression before though so I don't know whether I'm predisposed to this. I am such a lucky woman as I have a very fortunate life so why am I so flipping wretched and ungrateful??

Anyway, this is just to introduce myself! I'm really looking forward to 'being me' again as I miss the old me alot (and I'm sure my friends do too!)

Here's to happier times ahead....for all of us on here!

Love, me xxxx

[mrsdp]

I wrote this on: 4th June 2010

I feel physically sick today. My heart is beating so fast and I’m short of breath. I have had such a terrible afternoon with Spike. He cried from 12.30 to 2:45 when I finally relented to his lung-bursting screams and fed him. He got fed at 11am and is usually fine until 3pm when he has another feed. David, my husband, was out. Today I was alone with spike and I was dreading it but I didn’t tell david that. Dreading it through and through. I can’t refuse david time out though, time to do what he wants to do. I have to be fair. If I can’t cope with spike or hate spending time alone with him then that’s just something I have to live with. Well, that’s what I thought this morning. Now, this afternoon, I have surrendered all responsibility of spike and told david to get on with it and I’ve shut myself away in the office. I’ve had it with Spike. Had it.

I sang to him, held him, stroked him, shhhh-ed and patted him, put him in his room for a nap, put him in his chair in the living room for a nap. Nothing worked. Nothing. He looked at me pleadingly with tears rolling down his face and all I could do was shout at him to shut up, tearing my hair out as his wails got louder and louder and his face got more and more contorted with upset and……what?? Tiredness?? All this time he was rubbing his eyes furiously, he really was knackered, having only had a 20-min sleep since 6:30am (it was 12:15pm when David left and Spike decided now was the time to get crazy). I assumed he was exhausted but the child would not sleep. Refused to sleep. So for 2.5 hours he let rip with his lungs and pushed me to the limit, pushed me to the brink of having dark dark thoughts and behaving in a particularly un-motherly way towards him. I text david and then called him in desperation to come home. But of course he didn’t answer his phone. He was busy. I was shaking with fury. Spike never has intentions of enraging me. He has simple needs. Eating. Sleeping. Pooing. And farting. His nappy was clean. He’d eaten 1 hour ago. He must be tired from all the eye rubbing and red eyes on display. My heart was racing, I was so stressed, shouting at him to shut it. Hating myself for being like this. Hating my life. No, loathing it. Life was so simple before he came along. I was as free as a bird. I thought having a child with david would be wonderful, a part of both of us. Our future. I’ve always loved children, got down on the floor and rolled around with them, allowed them to jump all over me, played hide and seek with them, tickled them till they were almost sick and I was very close to being in parents bad books for getting them so excited before bed. I’m godmother to two children. I send them presents and keep all their paintings and cards they send me. So, motherhood couldn’t be so bad. I mean, I’m a child myself, I’ll be a great mother.

What a delusional naïve idiot I am. What I failed to realise when trying to conceive with david is that children ARE indeed wonderful especially when you can hand them back to their parents and then walk out the door to your life of freedom. I listened to the sleepless nights stories, the vomiting stories, the dirty nappy stories, the lack of freedom stories and all I could think was “oh this baby will fit into MY lifestyle, he or she will be as free as a bird like me and because I love children so much they’ll sleep well, laugh lots, eat lots like me, be calm and patient like David, adventurous like him too”. What a delusional naïve idiot I was.

And in all the baby books I voraciously consumed throughout my pregnancy not one of them had an extensive chapter on “The Aftermath: Post natal depression”. Yeh, a page, a long paragraph perhaps. But the photos of happy, gurgling babies snuggled into devoted motherly arms or angelic snoozing babies in soft fluffy cots that smothered the glossy pages of these pregnancy books were hiding a massive issue: Post natal depression. It could come to you. Anytime.

David and I never get any time to ourselves, it’s feed, clean poo, play, sleep for Spike every bloody day. And I know, I know, I’m a mother now what do I expect! But there’s no let up. Even at night, you’re on baby duty 24/7. Theatres, bars, cinema, all out the window now. We have no babysitters. We sit in every single bloody night watching tv. That’s our life. It is so dull. So so so dull I could throw myself through a bloody window.

Sometimes if I think too hard on the past that’s when my PND gets worse. Last year, we were in Cyprus, scorching hot weather, celebrating our wedding anniversary, drinking, cavorting, socialising, laughing in the evening sun with friends. The year before, we were travelling around the world, our only care to find accommodation for that night and seeing the sights for 9 months! I know, life changes, we all have to move on, grow up, but I don’t want to. I yearn for my old life, my freedom, my fun, my drinking, my dancing, my socialising. I was Lois the Party Girl. Loud, Crazy, Drunk, Sociable. Now I’m Lois the Hermit, not wanting to socialise anymore alone, not getting drunk because I’m breastfeeding, not crazy anymore because I’ve got this baby to think of – his routine, his feeding, his sleeping, his bloody everything.

I love spike. I really do. He is such a beautiful funny little man. But I haven’t bonded with him. David was the first one to hold him at the hospital because of my caesarean op. David and spike just stared at each other as David talked his ears off as I was being seen to in the operating room. I was shaking so much from the drugs pumped into me I couldn’t hold spike. When I did I loved him and wanted to care for him. But David got to go home and I was thrown from a life of freedom to sudden motherhood. I stayed up all night tending to his cries in hospital. Breastfeeding him. Changing him. Buzzing my bell every 5 mins for the night nurses “I don’t know what to do with him………..is this right? Is that right? Why won’t be stop crying?” David got to sleep in a warm double bed at home in silence. It was so scary. Like a prison sentence. There was no gradual motherhood transfer. It was freedom then motherhood. Job done. And I cried every night david had to go home. I wanted to go home. Alone. I wanted sleep. I wanted some down time. I had been in labour for 36 hours, drugs, operations, nurses, doctors, injections, tests and more tests, pushing, decision-making, stress. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I don’t want any of this.

And I think of my father. Why isn’t he here? why did he have to die? He would have scooped spike up in his arms and taken care of him, laughed at him, given me some respite. He would have loved spike. Showed him off. My mother’s useless. She only calls when she wants money to pay off her debts. She sends parcels of things up for spike but what good is that? She should be saving her money to pay off her debts not spending money on her grandson she can’t be bothered to call about to see how he is, or to write a letter to or to get on a coach and come up and see.

I hate my life right now. Hate it. And I’m sorry spike has to have me as a mother. He smiles and gurgles and chuckles and often sleeps well at night. But he stares at me and he knows when I’m depressed. He’s quiet. He picks up on my mood. And of course, there spews my flood of guilt at the patheticness of a mother that I am that I can’t even look after my own son without david’s help, reassurance, guidance. I am guilt-ridden 24/7 like it’s a disease rotting away my insides. I feel guilty for who I am, guilty for being such a depressed crap wife. Guilty for lying to my friends that I don’t want to see because I’m so fed up yet I miss my old life like I would miss my arm if it was amputated. You make your own luck in this world I know. Well then I must have a sick unfathomable desire to be miserable and seek out this miserable life because I have lots of beauty around me yet all I can see is black. Like an overgrown graveyard, stinking of decay.

[mrsdp]

I wrote this on: 5th June

07:40 and spike hasn’t woken up yet. I am going to wake him up at 8am for a feed. I have a cup of tea. I am alone. It’s bliss and feels like the old days of freedom. Every day I wake up and think “oh god, here we go again”. Isn’t that a truly terrible way to start a day? I am terrible. I should be rejoicing. The sun is out, the birds are whistling. We have a beautiful garden, a beautiful house but ever since we moved here it’s just been stress stress stress. This should be the happiest time of our lives, our new baby, our new house, an exciting future but instead I feel fed up, peed off, negative, argumentative, unsociable. Where is the old Lois gone? Where the hell has she gone?

Well I only have 15mins free time left before I wake him so I better go off and milk those 15mins for all its worth. I’m supposed to be driving down to christina's for her birthday. All the gang will be there. You’d think I’d be excited to see them, excited to be going back down to my old life but all I feel is a total lack of motivation to drive down. “Can’t be bothered” seems to be my catchphrase at the moment. I’m becoming a good liar too – using spike as an excuse for not being able to drive down to see my friends which is what I did last time for emma’s party. And I was glad for not going down there!!? I was due to go down alone and david was going to look after spike for me. I could have stayed overnight at emma’s. I would have had a wonderful time all alone without child but I made up a big lie and didn’t go down. Bizarre. Totally bizarre.

My chest feels tight again today. I am breathing heavy and I feel my asthma’s a bit dodgey. I just can’t relax. I am constantly clock watching: Time to wake him. Time to feed him. Time for him to sleep. Time to feed him. Time to bath him. Time for a nap. Time to feed him. Time to sleep. Time to feed. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Day in day out day in day out day in day out day in day out day in day out day in.

[mrsdp]

I wrote this on: 6th June

Although I didn’t go to Christina's yesterday I felt guilty all day for not doing so. It was chris’ birthday. But as quickly as anything I then thought “who cares? I’m miserable and that’s that!” great attitude! Had an ok day with david although it mostly consisted of feeding, changing nappies, reading, feeding etc etc etc

I got a nice email from emma asking how I was and that she was at the end of the phone if I needed her. I didn’t reply. Chris obviously told people then how I was feeling. Chris also text me today and was really lovely. I didn’t reply to that either. Although today has been an ok day too I’m just not in the mood for socialising at all or even trying to be friendly to those that are there for me. It’s like this self-fulfilling prophecy is eating away at me like a maggot eating a rotten apple. Chomp chomp chomp. My frown and my catchphrase “can’t be bothered” are my two favourite friends at the moment.

Today though, I met up with my uncle and we went to both car boots which I enjoyed and got a couple of things. It felt good to be alone doing what I love again. I wasn’t laughing and joking and skipping along with flowers in my hair but I felt free and unstressed. I did imagine a couple of times what Spike would be doing now. Would he be sleeping or lying in david’s arms or playing? But these were only fleeting thoughts. I didn’t dwell on them. I didn’t miss him. Just wondered about him. I still feel really sad and low and even though I did laugh here and there with my uncle I could feel low-ness etched into my eyebrows and my downcast stare as I walked about. I felt lonely. Again. Up here I am so lonely. The lonliest I’ve been in my whole life. Ever. And I used to be a social butterfly…….as they say!

I took Spike for a walk at his witching hour. I had to really force and push myself and I huffed and I puffed and said goodbye to david with a grumpy face and a heavy heart. But we saw the cows and the horses and the evening sun was out. We saw the neighbours and I put on my usual “actress” happy persona although I wasn’t spitting with joy and euphoria in conversation with them. I was just friendly. I did feel better going for a walk, admittedly. But I didn’t have a wave of heavenly happiness wash over me like a sudden transformation. I was still low. Still lonely. Still sad but I had gone from lying on the sofa grimacing at spike crying and wishing david would come to my rescue and take over immediately to begrudgingly taking spike out for a walk and finding that it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated!

Tomorrow I’m going to the doctors and I’m absolutely dreading it. I may as well be going to the dentist for all the angst I’m putting myself through. I just really really don’t want to have to sit there and tell her how pathetic and useless and crap I feel. I want help but I don’t want anyone to know! There’s a conundrum for you!! I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to admit that I feel crap. I know it will just sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. I know she will just bung me some pills and tell me I’ll feel better soon. It will be a complete waste of time. Yet I know I have to do something because I hate myself and I hate my life and I DON’T want to be this Me anymore. I want to be the old me. The me that everyone loves. The me that was funny. The me that was sociable. The me that david fell in love with.

[winegirl]

Hi Mrsdp,

Welcome to the site xx

I have just been rerading through your diary so far, and I cannot tell you how much I relate to what you have written.

It wasn't until finding this site, for me, that i realised that the issue was PNI. And I cannot express how relieved I was to finally get the right help and begin on the road to recovery.

And this a road you will soon be on too! You say you are on meds now, how long have you been taking them? It can take a while, but it is worth hanging in for..

I like you had a character change after having my little girl! I went from being something big in a high powered jib, with confidence coming out of every floor, to an anxiety ridden mess! And perhaps that was half the issue, not being `me' any more.

So I can relate, and I can promise as a survivor of this that it DOES get better. Just hang on in there hun..

Please feel free to come back and talk any time, we are always here and listening and will do our best to support.

Take Care

WG xxx

[Weeble]

Hi Lo/me

welcome to the site, I will take the time to read everything you have written, but today is not a good day for me. However, this forum is brilliant and you wont meet a better set of girls anywhere else, well done for joining us and writing everything you have on here.

Kat

[monica]

Hello and welcome

I'm sorry things are tough for you. I too can relate to nearly all of what you've written. However, these are quite normal symptoms of PNI. I'm so pleased you've seen your dr as with support whatever shape or form that may be, can make recovery much quicker.

Motherhood is mainly potrayed through media etc as something wonderful and fulfilling where as the reality it can be a huge culture shock - as you say from being free to do as you please, you suddenly become a virtual prisoner to this baby who demands your attention without respite 24/7. It's hard to feel positive when faced with these demands and many women have these feelings but don't admit to them.

You said you feel really sleepy and doped up on the antids you're on. Often you can feel worse for several weeks before meds kick in - however do talk to your dr about it. What's your dr like? Is it someone that will take you seriously and listen to you?

is there any chance you can get a bit o ftime to yourself? It wil do you the world of good. You mustn't feel guilty about it either - imagine doing any job 24/7 for months on end, you'd be exhausted and it's the same with children. You need a breather to be yourself and have a bit of down time to recharge your batteries.

Recovery is rarely an overnight occurence - however, you will recover.

Love

Monica

[mrsdp]

Monday 14th June

For the past few days I’ve woken up when David’s come to bed – about 2am - after he’s bottlefed Spike. Then I toss and turn and sleep fleetingly until about 4.30 / 5am when lately Spike’s been waking and crying. This goes on until about 5.30 /6am. Despite me going to bed every night at 10pm I’m still shattered all the time. This morning at 5am on Spike’s 3rd crying stint having put his dummy in twice for him, I asked David if he fancied going in instead. David stormed out of bed and said “this would have ended an hour ago if I’d done it”. I was fuming mad. Fuming. Every day at some point he manages to undermine me or succeeds in making me feel an even more inadequate mother than I already am feeling. I’m trying to keep my head above water with looking after spike and I try and do the best I can but it’s hard.

He was in with Spike for about 20mins and there was silence. When he got back into bed, I asked him what he would have done an hour ago that would have stopped Spike’s crying. He said “what I’ve just done”. As I was not wearing my “seeing-through-walls” glasses on at 5am I asked him what was that then?” and he abruptly explained he used the technique that we use when we put him down for a nap during the day. (This involves putting his dummy in while holding his hands down as he gets so frustrated with not sleeping so will scratch and rub his eyes and head over and over. When we use this technique he knows it’s sleepy time and that we mean business and off to sleep he goes.) I told David I had used this technique on the past two occasions just now but he still woke up. And then lo and behold Spike woke up again 15mins later. I couldn’t resist saying “yes I see what you mean, you’re a real baby whisperer!” he huffed and puffed and turned over. What could he say? He’s making out he knows best but we’re both doing the same things! Honestly men!!

By now it was about 6.30 and as Spike gets a feed at 7am I thought I may as well get up and at least get the opportunity to make a cup of tea. Both spike and I have got really snotty noses at the moment and a bit of a cold so at 9:00 spike woke really antsy from his morning nap. He normally naps from 8.30am ish to 10.30am but this morning he was waking every 10mins or so. My patience was waning I must admit. I felt like crap myself and having been awake since the birds started singing, I was not feeling like Mary Poppins at all. It was now 10am. The crying hadn’t ceased so I guessed he might be hungry esp. if he’s a bit ill, he might need extra fluids. Normally Spike has another feed at 11am but if he’s really hungry we’ll do a 10.30 feed. Anyway, I took him out of his sleepy chair and put him on my lap getting ready to feed him. David stormed downstairs and I explained he’d been waking every 10mins or so. David insisted I put him back in his chair and he just immediately took over trying to soothe him. I tried to explain he could be hungry and that I’d used the technique constantly but he was still really upset and David said “well you just have to persevere don’t you?!”

I was red with rage!! What the hell did he think I had been doing with spike since flaming 9am when he woke crying? Watching flaming GMTV?! I couldn’t shout at David because we try not to cause a scene in front of Spike but the temptation to throw the remote control at David’s head was overwhelming!! Again, my attempts to soothe spike were completely disregarded. Obviously I wasn’t doing it right but thank god The Baby Whisperer was here to save the day again!! I left him to get on with it and I went off to do the washing. After about 15mins all was quiet and Spike was sound asleep. I felt, again, like a total failure. I felt useless. I had spent a flaming hour trying to soothe spike with smiles and shhs and gentle loving strokes but resulting in little success and then The Baby Whisperer comes along and all is ok again.

I try so hard to soothe spike and to play with him on his mat when really I just want to run away and cry in a corner. I really have to force myself to not be selfish. Spike doesn’t ask for much. We’re his protectors. But David forgets I’m having a hard time of it or he chooses to ignore it. Sometimes it would just be really nice if I got a “I can see you’re trying your best. Why don’t I have a go?” but instead sensitivity goes right out the window and all I get is him taking over like some flaming Sargent Major or stating the flaming obvious like this morning when he said “Spike only cries when he wants something”. Well blow me down! Why didn’t I think of that?!

I feel really bunged up and these anti D’s are making me feel so drunk. I’m trying to do the washing, tidy and clean up, get myself showered. We’ve got tons of tiny moths living in our bedroom and spare room at the moment despite the moth balls we’ve put around and every time I go to put something on I have to shake it. Well, still raging from my husband’s insensitivity, I saw a moth on my jumper pile and I just went mental. I suddenly stripped the whole spare room bare of belongings, dumped it all in our bedroom, threw open the windows, dragged the hoover upstairs, polished all the window sills and woodwork and started hovering the flaming walls, sills and floor. I’d had it with those little blighters. David came up and was calm as I explained what I was doing. He was sympathetic and agreed they were a nuisance. As I continued hovering the carpet bald he tried to hug me from behind but I just wasn’t in the mood. I really felt upset and let down. Then Spike wanted feeding so I had to drop everything.

David’s gone out for the day now on an appointment. Poor little Spike’s sleeping lots but fitfully and his little bunged up nose is all snotty. I feel despair and irritation again. I just can’t wait to feel like me again. I miss me so much. I look at our honeymoon photos when we travelled around the world and I just can’t believe how happy go lucky and crazy I was then. My eyes were alive with adventure and spirit. I hate being me. I really hate my life. Spike is truly adorable and I would never want to do anything to hurt him ever but dear god! He sure has made an impact on our life. I never ever ever imagined things could get this bad.

[Weeble]

Hi Mrs DP

I so sympathize with everything you are saying. It is so hard coping with other halves and the demands of new babies and the stress of the house etc. I remember when my son T was about four months old, I had a day at home with my 3 year old as well and we had made a cake a big chocolate one, we were so pleased - well as pleased as you can be with PNI. It was my big achievement of the day and my oh came home and told me that I had made the wrong cake he had left out the recipe for the pear and almond one. Like everything else I did was inconsequential.

Its ok to cry and all this, they way you are feeling is more common than the media presentation of childhood and how all the classes etc make out. I dont have a simple answer for you but my two top steps are 1. Tell you OH everything about how you feel and keep telling him. it will help him understand and help you by sharing these emotions. 2. I dont know how good your support networks are but get some - some options - family and friends - but often not as easy as it sounds. Find a childminder - you could just leave him for two hours. or ask your Health Visitor about help from Home start - they have volunteer visitors who will come round and give you a couple of hours support. If you can afford it and even if it makes things tight - treat yourself for me - i have a cleaner who comes and just does all the housework for me once a week and i have a babysitter every other week. It has been really difficult for me to come to terms with the help, but it took the pressure of me.

So at the end of my message please remember the following things

1. Post natal depression is a disease of strong caring women not weak poor mothers - in a way having it is a badge of honour to the strength of you character.

2. That you are not alone, and we understand we have been here with this illness and understand

3. that other women around you may not be telling you but it is so common that you will be surprised.

4. Talk talk talk - to us, to your OH, to your GP, to your health visitor, to your family

with love and hugs

Kat

[juppster]

Hi there

Just wanted to pop by and say hi and welcome. totally agree with what Kat has said and can't really add much more, but just know you are not alone. I know that doesn't help you much at the moment but hang on to the fact that this will get better. It does take time sadly, but it is an illness that is totally treatable and you will get "you" back again...I promise.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength

Jo xxx

[mrsdp]

Hi everyone
Thank you for your kind words and support. It means alot. Katarina - Home Start sounds like a good idea. I've never heard of them before but I will investigate. Also, after our moth infestation yesterday I'd come to the conclusion that I'd absolutely had it with cleaning and tidying up all the time, so I announced to my husband that we were getting a cleaner in. He was fine about it. Now all we have to do is find one! I'm scouring the local papers and supermarket notices as we speak. I don't want one of these big cleaning conglomorates in, I'd rather have a friendly lady on her own.

Yesterday and today has been a bit crap. This evening has been flipping horrendous - almost walked out on my husband but instead I told him to eff off. He told me he didn't deserve me etc. Damn right there boy! anyway, am in the throes of scribbling it all down in my diary 'update' to get it off my chest so pull up a chair, get a cuppa and wait for the next saga!!

Love, me xxxx

[Weeble]

Hi Me

oh the agencies are awful, the best ones are the guys who advertise or come by word of mouth. Well done on taking such a positive step. Your OH sounds like he is doing ok in helping you. Looking forward to hearing the rest of your saga. I am constantly told that writing everything down really helps the head - so go for girl

Kat

[winegirl]

Yes, I would ask any friends you have who may have cleaners for input, usually good cleaners tend to circulate amongst groups of friends!

How are you doing this morning?

WG x

[mrsdp]

Tuesday June 15th

Well, what a crazy 24 hours it’s been. I spent all day yesterday putting load after load after load of washing in the machine after our moth infestation. Then yesterday afternoon I took spike out for his regular evening walk. David drove up just as I started out so he joined us. I was amicable to him. Conversational.

When we got home, after about 10mins I came over so violently ill desperately wanting to throw up and the room started swimming. I had shooting pains in my tummy, then all the blood rushed to my face and the sweat poured off of me like I had a leak!! I called for David’s help. I was bent over shaking. Then I got pins and needles in my hands but so severely that my hands suddenly paralysed and my fingers were all bent and I couldn’t move them at all. I had no idea what was going on but I was sure any minute I was going to faint. I told David to call an ambulance. While we waited David had to feed spike who was crying for some dinner poor little mite. When the lovely paramedics turned up they did some tests on me and I had virtually returned to normal again but still felt so weak. I was ok but they told me I’d had a panic attack!! I’ve never had one of these in my life, pretty scary stuff. The shooting pains could be irritable bowel syndrome – for the past week I’ve had shooting pains right before I’ve needed to go to number 2’s. And then of course these anti D’s are not helping – the side effects are indeed dizziness, nausea etc. They told me to see my doctor the next day.

David was absolutely wonderful throughout all of this. He was trying to feed spike a bottle in his arms while he had his mobile phone on his shoulder talking to the 999 team and comforting me who was in agony. I felt dreadful getting so angry with David on Monday after he looked after me so well. Feeling guilty about EVERYTHING is what I do every single day. Maybe I deserved the way he talks to me. Maybe I don’t. I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. Anyway, I went straight to bed at 8pm as I was zonked and I slept fitfully, dozed rather, until David came to bed at 2am after Spike’s feed and so again from then until 5am I tossed and turned and slept badly. Before I took these anti D’s I used to sleep like a dead person even when David used to come to bed at 2am. Now my sleep is so disturbed.

Today started off good. Spike was as good as gold. By the evening things had turned very sour indeed. I went to my doctor to have a chat to her about my anti D’s and how they’re making me feel but also for her to check up on Spike as he has this really runny nose and cough. She told me these are one of the only anti D’s I can take because I am breastfeeding and to keep taking them for another week but to come back if they really are making things worse. Really I’m between a rock and a hard place then. Either I continue with the constant ‘drunkenness’ or stop breastfeeding and go on to other tablets. I don’t particularly enjoy breastfeeding at all but I vowed I would stick at it until spike is at least 6 months (which will be August this year) and then review the situation. Spike has two bottles now anyway – 6.30pm feed and his 1am feed so the transition won’t be a problem at all.

When we got home, spike woke up in his car seat and his feet were blood red, boiling hot and his feet were all puffy. Most of the day his feet had been cold verging on blue so we kept socks on him. This has never really given me much cause for concern. His feet are always cold – like mine – but the rest of him is normal temperature and he’s absolutely fine. However the puffiness in his feet really alarmed me. They were so swollen. Being a first time mother I don’t know what’s right and what’s not. I told David I was going to call NHS Direct. He kept on that spike was absolutely fine. But how did he know?? I wanted to be sure. I know David thought I was over reacting. I could tell he was starting to get really short tempered. Doesn’t take much for David to lose his temper, a sore point in our relationship. Anyway, I called them and the nurse on the phone was asking me lots of questions about spike and I was telling her his feet were really red and puffy. David was shouting “they’re FINE!!!” I wasn’t panicking. I was very calm. I just wanted to check. Was I harming anyone by calling NHS Direct? Was I doing anyone a disservice?? The nurse then wanted me to undress spike just to see if he had a rash anywhere on his body. Spike was on david’s lap and David did nothing to assist me to undress him while I’m on the phone. He just sat there huffing as if I was causing a massive commotion over nothing. I was calm and friendly. I just wanted to verify everything was ok. Where’s the harm in that??? It turned out the puffiness may well be down to spike just sitting funny in his car seat. Everything was ok. David went on and on about spike being fine saying I had completely over reacted etc, so I told him I didn’t realise he was such a great baby whisperer and I should listen to him more in future. He then shouted at me to eff off and I was a bitch! Well, that was it then. He’d crossed a line with me. He’s never ever called me this but his display of anger was nothing new to me. He always loses it over nothing.

David and I were due to take spike out for his evening walk together but I just ignored david then and let him go alone. I was raging with him. How dare he call me that? How dare he explode just because I wanted to make sure my baby was ok? Because I didn’t listen to him tell me that his swollen feet were fine? And what if they weren’t fine? What then? While he was out I was so so tempted to walk out on him then. Just go. But then I wouldn’t just be leaving David, I would be leaving spike too. And I just could not live with myself knowing I had walked out on my son. What kind of a mother does that make me? I was between a rock and a hard place again. Since this post natal depression has moved in on me the temptation to run off has been overwhelming but again, I have to think of spike. I had a crap childhood. I didn’t want spike to grow up knowing his mother didn’t give two figs about him either. I was so mad though. Mad mad mad.

When David returned, we were out of bottle milk for spike for his 1am feed so I stormed out leaving David to it. I’d set up his bottle feed for 6.30pm. David ran up to the car and there was a bit of door slamming and shouting and something in me just clicked. I was losing it. With him. With everything. I’d had it. Had it. I went off to get the milk where several texts passed between david and myself while I was out and I told him if he carried on the way he was going then spike and I would be off, I’d had it. David said he had problems too and couldn’t talk to me about them (he’s never even TRIED!! And we talk all the time and are always hugging and confiding in one another) so he said he’d leave and I told him to not forget his toothbrush. He then told me he was sorry for calling me a bitch and that he didn’t deserve me. I said yes, you don’t.

When I got home, we put to spike to bed and put on a good “we’re happy mummy and daddy” show for him so he wouldn’t get upset and then downstairs I just ignored David. I didn’t want to see him or speak to him. Then my mother phoned. Another pain in my life. She’s an alcoholic and has run up thousands of debts which my sister and I are paying off for her (LONG story!!!!) but it’s a long stressful process which started when I was about 6 months pregnant last year. We’ve got a long list of debt collectors we have to deal with and paperwork up to our armpits. I have little time for my mother anymore since she didn’t come to my wedding or have anything to do with it because she was too focused on getting drunk nor has she even acknowledged our marriage to date. Anyway, I had not heard from my mother for 3 weeks. The only time I hear from her is when she wants us to sort out her debts. She never calls once a week to find out how I am or her new grandson. She lives down south and can’t drive (lost her licence because she was drunk at the wheel when I was 10 years old). She came up to see spike with my sister when he was first born but since then she hasn’t bothered to make any effort to come up. As soon as she started talking to me about her debts, I could feel my temper rising again. I don’t need all this stress!!!!! I told her I was really upset I hadn’t heard from her for 3 weeks but now she calls because she’s got a question about her debts, that people are chasing her for money. She told me I was evil and I had no idea what she was going through and she put the phone down on me. This is nothing new. My mother puts the phone down on people all the time if she doesn’t get her own way. Well, I think I do know what she’s going through because we’re the ones dealing with all her crap! I then sent my sister an email telling her I was washing my hands of helping out with my mother’s debts, I just can’t handle the stress of it and receiving calls from debt collectors all the time.

David and I barely spoke to each other all night. Just couldn’t be bothered. He cooked me dinner and I ate it eventually but picked at it then I went to bed early. Wanted this day over.

[mrsdp]

Wednesday June 16th

Today was the day the psychiatric nurse would be visiting me for an assessment. I didn’t really know what to expect except a barrage of questions. I didn’t think I could handle talking to her if spike was there and he wanted attention, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I woke david and asked him if he could look after spike for a few hours. He was due to go out on an appointment which would mean he would have to cancel it if he had spike. I didn’t care. I was that fed up with life I just didn’t care. He said “well I don’t have a choice do I?” at that I said “forget it. We’ll be fine”. I got spike’s things together, got him in the car seat and I walked out without saying goodbye to david. I wasn’t even angry just fed up through and through.

The nurse, Nicky, was lovely and soo understanding. All she’d done was introduce herself and asked me if I knew exactly what she would be doing today and then my face crumpled and I just burst into tears apologising profusely. She was lovely. Spike was as good as gold on his playmat bless him. She just basically asked me a million questions on how I’m feeling (vile), how the birth was (a 36 hour trauma), how my childhood was (domestic violence and alcoholism and lots of police interaction), how motherhood is for me (incredibly hard), whether motherhood was what I expected it to be (Noooooo), how much of a support network I have (not much as most of my friends are down south), how often David and I get to go out alone for a drink/meal (never), spike’s general health and wellbeing (perfect! I couldn’t ask for a happier more content baby), how my relationship with david is (great but we do argue lots) etc etc etc. I cried through most of the questions.

Spike lay on his playmate and stared up at me intensely quite a lot. Nicky asked me why I thought that was. I said “well, he’s obviously trying to work out why mummy’s crying all the time and why she’s not singing to him or laughing”. Nicky told me that that thought process was not possible yet for a baby of just 4 months old. She said that spike has a good bond with me and that’s why he stares at me, because he feels safe with me and loves me. I told her I respected what she was saying but I didn’t believe a word of it. I told her I was feeling so negative and crap about life that I genuinely feel I have no bond with him whatsoever. When spike stares at me like that it freaks me out a bit. Can’t tell you why.

Anyway, after an hour and a half of questions from her and me telling her absolutely everything from my suicidal thoughts to my insecurities to my disasterous childhood she left. She said she was happy with spike and kept affirming throughout that I WOULD get better but it would take time and work. So I just have to wait and see what happens next. She’s also going to change my anti D’s thank god.

I felt a bit like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulder. Not sure why. When I got home, my best friend called and asked how I was. I just burst into tears. But she was diagnosed with borderline pnd and understood everything. She was lovely but I just didn’t want to chat. my sister was then on the phone trying to establish my mother’s financial affairs so she can take them over. My heart started beating really fast and I could feel my stress levels rising dramatically the more I discussed it with her. By the time I got off the phone from her I could quite easily have screamed until my lungs exploded. Spike was refusing to sleep. He was fidgety and wingey for ages. A complete contrast to this morning. I lay on the sofa like a crumpled old sack putting his dummy in over and over and over while he sat in his chair willing him to sleep. I felt so stressed and every time spike pulled a face and really winged I could feel my fists clenching. When spike gets like this we take him out for a walk. But a walk was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted to do was just lock myself in the cupboard under the stairs and come out in 5 years time.

Eventually David came home so I handed spike responsibility over to him and then I went upstairs, at 6pm, and got into bed with all my clothes on and went to sleep. I eventually got out of bed at 10.30pm, went downstairs. David had fed spike, given him his bath and put him to bed. I told David all about the psychiatric nurse and he was understanding and supportive. Deep down he really is. I kept apologising for who I am, saying “normal service will be resumed shortly, I promise”. I feel like such an atrocious wife and mother although we did manage to laugh out loud at something and we were joking with each. It felt really good. We both went to bed at about 2am when spike had his feed. I tossed and turned all night again and had bizarre dreams.

Today I have to meet the Health Visitor. More tears I expect. I don’t know how much I can cry! I feel like Alice in Wonderland – if I cry anymore, there’ll be a flood and I’ll get washed away!!