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Post by Weeble on Jun 17, 2010 17:03:52 GMT
Hi Mrs - sorry it is so difficult, reading how you feel had so much resonance for me when I was first diagnosed. As you know I am still battling it, but it does change and you do have good days. All I can say is it does take time, in many ways that was the hardest thing for me to accept six months ago, but things do improve.
Well done for keeping writing and please ask us any questions you feel you need to ask, I have found that the girls here have had better answers for many of my probs than the professionals
Kat
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Post by winegirl on Jun 18, 2010 9:56:09 GMT
Hi Hun,
It sounds like the nurse was a good start for you and she really knows what she is talking about! You WILL get through this, and it sounds like you are getting a good support network of professionals around you to help you do this!
How did it go with the HV yesterday?? Hope it was as productive as your nurse appt?
Take Care
WG xx
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 20, 2010 11:39:22 GMT
Thursday 17th June
Today, David took Spike to his music play session. I didn’t feel I could do it today. My confidence is waning every day. While David was out, I made myself some toast before I went to meet him later. Suddenly the toast set the smoke alarm off. I went to pieces!! I waved the tea towel under it which stopped the ear-bleeding alarm but I was shaking so much and I had to sit down to try and calm down. I don’t know what the matter with me was! I felt ridiculous. Then, after I’d got showered and dressed, I started to get so anxious about leaving the house. I really felt like I couldn’t walk outside. Again, I was still shaking a little and just dreading being out in public. Bizarre.
I met David and Spike – Spike was as good as gold at his music session and loved all the music and as usual all the ladies fell in love with him! The 3 of us then met the Health Visitor who first came to see me when spike was just a few weeks old. She couldn’t believe how he’d grown up and how alert he was. Luckily I really like her and feel comfortable with her. When she asked me how I was, I managed to keep dry eyed and just basically told her how anxious I had been this morning and how much I’ve been crying etc etc etc. She was lovely but there were a few awkward silences. I’m not sure whether she was just giving me some space to talk or was trying to find the right words to say. My father came up in conversation and when she started saying about putting photos of him around and explaining to Spike who his grandfather was, I just crumpled and burst into tears. Evidently, I haven’t properly dealt with the loss of daddy yet even if it has been 3 years already. Liz then asked about the birth and I explained how disappointed I was with it but obviously thankful that the long arduous labour resulted in Spike being fit and healthy and happy. I explained how I couldn’t listen to my birth music CD any more because it just causes me so much sadness and makes me cry. I don’t know why. Liz also suggested I write lots of things down which could help me. I told her about my diary on this site and she was really pleased.
It was short and sweet but nice to talk to her. I didn’t feel it was as rewarding a visit as when the Community Psychiatric Nurse visited me. The CPN’s questions were deeper and made me think about life more. Something I quite like as I’m very analytical about life.
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 20, 2010 11:39:49 GMT
Saturday 19th June
Well, yesterday, David was off to Kent to see a friend of ours perform in a play. We were both meant to go but it’s an outdoors event and we have no babysitters. I didn’t like the idea of Spike being outside till 10pm, even if he’s in his car seat wrapped up and cosy so we agreed that David would go alone and I would stay home and look after Spike until Sunday morning.
My stomach was in knots all morning. I was absolutely dreading David leaving. Totally ridiculous. Spike is my son and he’s been with us for four months. Surely I could take care of him. What sort of a mother would I be if I couldn’t?? When it came to David leaving, I was breastfeeding Spike and I started crying. I was shaking. David would be all the way down in Kent. What if Spike just never stopped crying and I couldn’t help him? I’d be all alone with him, all night and all day. I felt pathetic and useless and was so anxious. David was lovely and just kept telling me I could do it.
When he left, I took spike to the supermarket and was so paranoid about him being unhappy with daddy being away that I sang sang and sang again “The Wheels on the Bus” and then a bit of Whitney Houston to him as we drove. He seemed to be quite happy. Then as we walked around the supermarket, I gave him a running commentary on what I needed to get next with big smiles. People must have thought I was mad!! But I didn’t care. Then we went to the nursery and bought some tomato and strawberry plants and when we got home I put him in his chair in the garden while I planted the plants and again, gave him a running commentary on what I was doing and explaining what tomatoes and strawberrys are!! He kicked his legs furiously and just kept laughing at me!! Phew.
In the afternoon, I took him for his usual early evening walk before his 6.30pm feed. We walked for an hour, said hello to horses and cows and looked at the birds and the trees. So far so good. He winged but he was ok and chuckled lots. His bottle feed went well and bathtime also went well, again much more chuckling at mummy!! I was still shaking with anxiety though – pounding my brain with what if’s, what if’s, what if’s, knowing that David was all the way down in Kent and would not be able to help me. I would be alone with spike. When I put him to bed, he was as good as gold. He woke up at about 10pm but I put his dummy in and he was out like a light again. Admittedly, Spike is as good as gold now when going to bed. We no longer have a marathon run up and down and down and up and up and down the stairs all night putting a dummy in and trying to soothe. Spike has managed to self-soothe which is fantastic. Nevertheless, I was convinced he would kick off at some point and I would be beside myself with helplessness. At 12.30, I gently roused Spike, as per his routine, and I gave him his bottle feed. Again, he was as good as gold and then went straight back to sleep. I couldn’t believe my luck!! I went to sleep with a big smile on my face.
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 20, 2010 11:41:12 GMT
Sunday 20th June
Spike slept straight through until 6.30 this morning. I gave spike his 7am feed, changed him, he played on his mat for a bit, had a board meeting with his playmat animals then he went into his chair for his morning nap. Out like a light.
Today is father’s day. During Spike’s nap I took the opportunity of arranging David’s surprise. I then had a cup of tea and thought back to yesterday. I can’t believe how anxious and terrified I was of the responsibility of looking after my own child, all alone. I seriously doubt my own abilities and lack confidence when it comes to spike. But yesterday proved to me that I am capable and that I CAN do it. I’m still anxious and nervous and I think I will probably still look to david for reassurance and guidance but I really believed yesterday would be a nightmare. David almost didn’t go because he thought it was a bad idea, leaving me when I was so anxious of being alone. I’m glad he did go though. It gave spike and I some time together, to enjoy each other’s company.
Sadly, David is not going to be home for some time yet. I’m in a “don’t want to leave the house” mood today. I feel ok and am chatting to spike constantly and smiling but I still feel low. There’s a sadness inside me which I’m having problems shifting every day. I go through the motions, I put on a brave face, I sing and dance and cuddle and shop but still there is this void inside me. I feel empty and lonely and so sad all the time.
Spike and I sat cuddling on the sofa watching Mr Men. He then started getting really antsy so I put him in his chair where he watched Mr Men for a couple of minutes more and then he just closed his eyes and went to sleep!! Normally, nap times consist of lots of winges, fidgeting and fighting to close his eyes accompanied by vigorous eye-rubbing. This afternoon? Piece of cake!!! My son is changing every day. It’s incredible to watch.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 20, 2010 20:02:00 GMT
Hi
your diary strikes such resonance, I feel and have felt so much of this. I think you are doing brilliantly - having a child and being responsible for them is a life changing event - today I saw my two little boys head off in my parents car and paniced in case I never saw them again.
I bet you are an amazing mum, someone pointed that bad mums dont get PND its the strong capable ones that do.
Dont worry about the anxiety feelings, they get better and easier - for me they are a sign that I need to rest more - and if they keep going to long need more drugs. sounds like Spike is doing brilliantly.
my Specialist mental health health visitor told me they scream when they are tired because they are angry and frustrated and want to sleep. She told me to name the emotion to them when they do it and then develop a little sleepy routine - which for me is holding him and schhhhing him. It really works.
I hope advice like this really helps.
Anyway thinking of you, glad you HV and CPN are helpful.
Love Kat
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 21, 2010 6:38:09 GMT
Hi Kat Thanks for your reply. And thanks for bearing to read my diary! I do go on a bit!! I'm surprised anyone is the slightest bit interested!!
Anyway, your advice is great thanks. I will try that in future when he cries. I do realise that spike, like other babies, will often cry for specific purposes: nappy, hunger, over-tiredness, boredom etc so I try to keep this in mind but it still somehow just manages to grate me a little - like fingers down a blackboard! I think perhaps as my confidence grows with him then these feelings will lessen when he cries as I am able to ascertain exactly what is the matter and try to eradicate it.
I feel so ashamed that I felt so anxious being left with Spike all alone on saturday and sunday. He's my son and I should be able to look after him. My H.V. pointed out something though which was that my husband David had experiences of babies when his younger brother was born and David was 12 whereas all I know are friends children that I only got to see for a few hours and never throughout the night. I do have nieces and nephews but my sister and I are not close so there wasn't really a bond or the experience of 'bringing them up' so to speak. So my H.V. suggested that this lack of real baby experience could be a contributory factor in my lack of confidence with being able to care for him or my unease in his company. I've definitely proved something to myself this week end and I feel proud of myself. I just hope I can start feeling a bit more like the old me soon.
Love Lois xx
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Post by Weeble on Jun 21, 2010 7:12:15 GMT
Hi Lois
Well done for seeing the positives, your HV is right, my OH and I had totally different experiences with Babies prior to our first, I had a sister 6 and 10 years younger and my sister had two children ten years earlier than me. To add to that my job has always involved lots of kids and he had no experience at all. He struggled with the confidence too.
The thing that always surprises me is how it is not learned, each child communicates differently and you probably know Spike better than anyone else, its just difficult to recognise when you feel low.
Always enjoy reading other peoples experiences, makes me feel more normal with mine. Please feel free to read mine or the other girls diaries, you are welcome to comment.
What have you got planned today? I have to work and I have an antenatal appointment. I have a unplanned bundle of joy arriving in 14 weeks time.
Love
Kat
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Post by juppster on Jun 21, 2010 7:34:11 GMT
Hi there
You should feel extremely proud of yourself....we have a huge tendency to only focus on the negative things so everything thing you achieve that is positive, even if its small you should really take note of....and believe me, looking after your son on your own for a whole weekend is no small task!! There's no way I would have been able to do that...i probably wouldn't have even managed a few hours and to be honest, would still struggle now and hes nearly 4!!!! So you have done brilliantly.
I know the anxiety feeling and panic attacks so well and can so sympathise with you but they will get easier i promise....
Like Kat says, dont ever feel bad for writing long entries in your diary, after all it is YOUR diary and a place where you can write exactly how you are feeling, it can be very therapeutic and hopefully, as you start to recover, you can look back and see just how far you have come xx
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 21, 2010 7:44:35 GMT
Hi Kat, hi Juppster Thanks!!!
Kat - how exciting!!! congratulations!! how are you feeling about the arrival of little one? I really would like a brother or sister for spike with perhaps a year or two gap between them in ages. However, it's not the birth that has put me off whatsoever (depsite it being 36hours long of exhaustion!) but it's this bit that's worrying me. The sleepless nights, the pni. 2nd time around I'm sure will be entirely different but dear god if I had to go through all this upset again, I'll go crackers!!
Love, xxx
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Post by Weeble on Jun 21, 2010 10:07:06 GMT
Hi Lois
Panic stricken - my eldest - Sam is 4 next month, my little B - Tobes is ten months. The new one is coming in september, the whole thing feels a bit stress and a little out of control. I had a 34 hour labour with my first and a 17 with my second - both resulting in Emergency section in the second stage. This time its a elective section.
Will write more and tell you about it, both what the second was like and how I am about the third.
Spike is a great name - has he got spiky hair
Kat
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 21, 2010 16:45:30 GMT
Hi Kat WOW! you are soooooooo brave!! especially after such long labours. They do say you forget though. Mine resulted in an emergency c-section too. Well the whole scenario (in a nutshell - if I'm able to be succinct!?): I practised Hypnobirthing during pregnancy and was absolutely dead set on a natural birth, deep breathing and all that and I practised meditation at night etc etc. Alot of my friends just laughed in my face when I said I was having a natural birth. They told me I'd demand all the drugs under the sun soon enough. (how right they were!!) I started having contractions in the morning but didn't call labour ward till about 2pm as wasn't in any dire pain and wasn't too panic stricken. They told me to come in for a check up. They sent me home as was only about 2cm dialated. Got home and as the day wore on so my contractions got worse. Wasn't in any great pain just really uncomfortable so put my TENS machine on and kept having lovely warm baths every hour which was beautiful. Contractions got closer and I got more uncomfortable so went into hospital again and I was now 3cm dialated so they sent me home and I repeated above methods. Later, got more uncomfortable still so went back into hospital again (by this time about 1am). I was now about 5cm dialated (I think!) so they said I could get into the birthing pool. Was VERY excited about this. Had gas and air to hand and my birthing music, dim lights, it was all so relaxing and lovely. Then contractions came really hard and fast. No pain though jsut soooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable - like I wanted to do a really big poo but it wouldn't come out!!! sorry!!! so I did my fair share of groaning. After 5 hours of being in the birthing pool and being utterly exhausted of contractions every 5 mins or so, I said I couldn't do this anymore so I had an epidural, then later they got me to try pushing but spike was having a great time in there, he didn't want to come out!! time wore on late into the night, more pushing but no show, so they then suggested forceps which sounded ghastly but to be honest I wanted the flaming baby out now. Went to theatre and they tried forceps, no show, spike was in there, feet up on a stool, beer in his hand, he was NOT coming out. So then I had to have an emergency c-section and I lost 2 pints of blood so had to have a transfusion. Thankfully my experiences and views on hospitals and medical staff is really healthy and none of it scares me at all so to be perfectly honest, although I was shattered I was having an alright time of it, having a bit of a laugh with the nurses, chatting away, dozing, reading. I was never in any pain but just really really uncomfortable. It always makes me laugh when you see these women screaming abuse at their husbands and being downright rude to the medical staff. The last thing I'd ever want is to be hateful towards David in that situation as I adore him and if you pee the doctors and nurses off they are less inclined to help you / be your friend. They were fabulous with me, loved them all.
I was disappointed by the whole thing though as obviously I wanted this perfect heavenly water birth in a serene world but I was in La La Land when I dreamt it would all be like that with music and gentle water lapping around me etc!!!! I'm so glad spike is fit and well and healthy but I do get really upset when I think of his birth. I can't even listen to my birthing music anymore as it sends me into a flood of tears and the music is so beautiful and relaxing too. I don't really feel like I went through any great journey to have spike, he just popped out of my tummy, even though obviously I did go through the mill over 36hours to get him out!!
If you have a c-section for your first birth can you opt for a c-section for your second / third births or do they suggest you have a c-section for your second / third births for any reason??
Spike has still got quite fine hair but he does have this little spiky patch on the top of his head that refuses to lie down (takes after my husband). He looks like he's got a toupee on!! he's a right little character, I think the naughty step will most definitely come in handy when he reaches toddler age!
xx
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Post by Weeble on Jun 22, 2010 3:13:37 GMT
Hi Lois
I am not surprised you were disappointed, we are all led to believe that having a baby is going to be sweetness and light. I wanted a home delivery for my first child, I sort of new about the pain and hard work, seen a few babies born. But knew about the upside too. I was desperate to have my child at home in a birthing pool. But not how is worked out. Its too hard for me to write about it at the moment in detail.
One of the things my conversations with my mates who have had multiple babies has determined is that stressful births and emergency sections make us mush more prone to PNI afterwards. I have a friend who has had three babies - one normal, one emergency section and one elective section. She says the normal delivery induced immediate bonding, and the other two was much harder work.
It is so hard when this huge overbuilt up life event does not work out as we plan. Have you had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it. other than us??
On sections next time, ultimately you will be in the deciding seat and they will listen to your wishes. Its a little dependent on why Spike did not pop out but as a general rule about 80% women go on to have a normal delivery next time, if they want. I can understand that it would worry you, but you will be helped to make a decision when it comes to it.
On the other stuff about having another child, second time round is easier and harder - easier because you know what to do, the sleepless nights are less stressful because you know they will get better, your OH is better prepared etc. On the other hand you have another child demanding your attention and you get caught between their needs. However, I would not exchange my second son for the world, he is so lovely and emotionally engaging. My eldest son loves having a brother, and is very excited about his new baby as well.
Spike sounds lovely, my T has a similar mohican in the middle of his head, the hair is so soft.
You sound more positive this evening, how are things going today
Love
Kat
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Post by juppster on Jun 22, 2010 16:59:10 GMT
Hey Lois..just thought i'd pop by and see how today has been for you hun x
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 23, 2010 7:22:53 GMT
Monday 21st June
Today was a bit of a weird day. Spike and I did our usual routine of feeding at 7am then cuddling then playing. Unfortunately, for some reason he had ants in his pants so he didn’t want to play on his mat, he didn’t want to sit in his crazy jungle chair, he didn’t want to sit and read a book and after I changed him he still winged at that too. I could feel my heartbeat rising, I could feel my patience waning and I tried so hard to stop myself from saying “stop it!!” loudly to him but it came out on a few occasions. I was losing it.
David came downstairs and took over. Spike quieted down after a few shhhh’s and pats from him and I sat on the sofa feeling fed up and inadequate again. I felt drained, not wanting to do anything but sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. But I forced myself to get up and put some washing on. I had to really force myself off of that sofa. I have a deep yearning to be the old me again. At least the old fun, loud, crazy, sociable me that throws parties and says stupid things that make people laugh. So I have the motivation for change at least. I put the washing on then I brought spike outside in his chair. I put some music on and I pulled up this straying weed inbetween the paving slabs. The next minute I was on my hands and knees pulling up all the weeds inbetween the paving slabs, pushing back overgrown plants that trailed over the floor and sweeping and tidying up. I felt good. The sun was scorching, it was a lovely day. David came out and we had a kiss and a cuddle while spike just stared at us in fascination.
The rest of the day was really super. David and I were really on great huggy-kissy terms. Spike was as good as gold, laughing and quietly contemplating life at the trees. That night, David and I put some music on in the garden and ate outside. I lit some candles and he did a barbecue. The sunset was stunning. We had really good conversations and then after dinner we brought the backgammon out which ended up as strip-backgammon! It was a great day. I felt ALMOST like the old me, not quite, but almost!!
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