Help !

[anonmom]

Cant cope with this no more I'm just going to tell it like it is,keep getting thoughts that Ive actually cracked or what if i do ? i love my children with all my heart and would never hurt them...But these last few weeks have been difficult I'm so stressed out i feel like i have no patience no energy and the slightest thing sets me off ! I think what is my head going through will it go if i just crack up ! when will this vicious circle stop ! I Hate myself for feeling this way i just want to be normal

my kids don't deserve it every week you hear stories of parents hurting there children what if i do that ? it absolutely horrifies me yet i cant get it out of my head what if i do that what if i hurt someone i would never do such a thing but I'm scared ill turn psychotic please help me

[cazfletcher]

aw hun how are you feeling now? is there anyonw with you or could someone perhaps come sit with you? anyone you could ring for help? i have to say i know you would never hurt your kids its ur mind using this illness to play tricks on you. the very fact that it appalls you so much to have these thoughts means you wouldnt actually act upon them. come back and talk x

[tabbysmum]

Hi anonmon,

I have been where you are so many times, the fear of turning psychotic is terrifying and now and again it still jumps up to bite me. The very fact that you fear the thoughts so much shows that it's OCDand not psychosis, if you were psychotic you would neither know nor care. The thoughts you get are the worst because they involve the very thing that you are trying to protect. that's how OCD works. I was living in a bubble of fear like you are for so long, everything I saw I felt was something I could use to harm my daughter but very slowly it started to ease. I still have some lingering ones which bother me but not to the extend that it hugely impacts on my life. Have you started a diary? I found mine a great help, just being able to see the peaks and troughs and when I was having a bad day reading back through the good days gave me hope - please feel free to read my diary, I was just reading the start of it when things were tough for me and I'm amazed how far i've come, you will to, please believe me. Are you having any counselling or CBT for OCD or have you read up on it?

Take care

TM x

[anonmom]

Thanks for the replys actually went and got my head down with the kids at 7.30 for a sleep sometimes it just helps my mind shut off from these thoughts !

I been to my gp many of times waited for cbt yet still nothing i seen a counseller a while ago who suggested cbt and still waiting to be referred,my gp doesn't know all of my thoughts im scared to come forward incase he thinks im bloody crazy he isn't themost supportive gp at best.

TM i also have the same fears with knives etc i can just be sat chatting away in conversation and a stupid horrid thought pops up from nowere it really freaks me out ! i have read up on ocd etc and am aware of the way it plays with your mind..im actually pmt at the moment which ive said in most of my posts thats when its worse..

Theres another thought which is my OH im scared he will hurt my kids im scared when he shouts if i go out i say please dont shout at the kids its really silly on my behalf as im sure he wont hurt our kids but what if he does ? i cant protect them have you ever had anything similar to this...my partner knows my fears my thoughts but nobody else knows the worse of them i wont tell them maybe they think im crazy arghh its such a awful illness sometimes i think just end my life they be gone but my kids need mommy

my boy is 1 tomorrow having a party etc cant wait take my mind away from these thoughts i hope thanks for listening

Anonmom x

[monica]

Hi

I'm sorry this reply comes a lttle late. How did you lo's 1st birthday go? How are you? I'm sorry things were tough when you wrote last. I found my symtpoms and anxiety often reared during pmt. Often seeing danger from the unlikliest sources is common (as you'vementioned about oh). Soemone described this to me as the protective instinct goign into overdrive. The reality is you know your oh would never harm your children but you still see danger there and react accordingly.

CBT woudl be great. Do try and chase up the referral if you can. I know it's hard to admit to gp how you're feeling and your thoughts but it is a good idea to so they can judge ho wyou're doing and give you appropriate treatment whatever form that may be.

Take care

Monica

[nikki]

Hi,

I have just read your post and it's like a mirror image of me at the mo. I had post natal with my first and now have it with my 4 month old. My period is due and I'm also thinking that my thoughts are worse at the mo because of that reason.

I was just watching Coronation Street and it's about Claire harming her boy and it just triggered the thoughts. Scares me to death as I was sitting next to my 3 year old and got scared I was gonna harm her. I've been told that I have OCD and did stop my treatment but think I may have to restart it. I also have thoughts about knives too, must be a common thing. I did see a psychiatrist and he did help me put it in perspective first time round so I just need to remind myself that it's just my worst fears. I think it's just hard when you are sitting alone with your children and the thoughts just seem worse.

I think a diary is a good idea and I'll get one tomorrow to write my good and bad days down. My trouble is that I just remember the bad days rather than the good.

So I'm really just trying to say that you are not alone in your thoughts. Such a pain to get these when it's meant to be a happy time in life but we'll beat it.

x x

[monica]

Anonmum - how you doing?

Nikki - I'm so sorry things are tough but it sounds as if you know where it's coming from and what to do as hard as that can be. That's the trouble with this illness - rationality goes completely out the window and you see fear lurking everywhere. Triggers like something on TV are very common and plant those seeds of doubt.

You mentioned you had PNI before with your eldest? How did you recover from that? A diary is a fab idea - getting alot of your feelings down is quite a cathartic experience and you'll get loads of support from the ladies on here.

Love

Monica

[nikki]

Hi again,

Monica - I know when I have thoughts that its just my illness and I have to get that into my head .

I had PNI with my first but wasn't diagnosed until a year after her birth. It was the most scariest time of my life but with the help of tablets and talking to a psychiatrist I managed to get better. I also think that telling people what you have and speaking to friends help. I now have no shame with my 2nd bout of PNI to tell people, I know that it is an illness and that people should not be ashamed of talking about it.

I still have good days and bad days and I've just upped my medication to hopefully get me that step closer to more good days. I just hate that this has come when I've had my children when I should be happy and not scared, but hopefully in a years time I'll be able to look back and see PNI as a distant memory. x x