Feeling anxious, angry and alone

[lostdude]

Hi,
I'm new here and I need to get a load off my chest before I explode. I don't want this to turn into a rant, but I am typing this as I see it.

My partner has been diagnosed as suffering from PNI by our Doc. He has prescribed antidepressants for her and she has been taking them for nearly 2 weeks. Let me say that I do not want my partner to suffer like this and I do not expect her to do everything or cope with this alone. I am and always will be there for her.

I feel the triggers for this were the central heating breaking down during the summer and the landlord refusing to do much about it and her father going into hospital for open heart surgery. She was naturally worried about her dad who incidentally is still recovering. Naturally her dad cant help being ill so I am holding the landlord responsible for this depression and I could quite easily flatten him for it. We are moving next week so that should be the end of that sorry episode. We will never need to talk to him again.

Back to my partner, I feek like I am being pushed away continuously. She says that she does not feel anything anymore and even mentioned that she felt like packing my bags the other day. This was a few days ago and the medicine hasn't started to kick in yet, so I took it on the chin and tried to carry on as normal for the sake of the kids and my sanity. Inside I was feeling dreadful - what has happened to the woman I knew? When would she come back? How can she dislike me to the extent that she said that? I feel like all my efforts have been thrown back into my face. She has asked me to help more, so I've done washing and she has said "leave that - I'll do it". I've loaded and unloaded the dishwasher to a similar comment. I'm making a conscious effort to pick up and tidy as I move around the house. It all seems pointless at the moment as nothing I do is making any difference. I know that this is the PNI, however it is so hard and mentally draining. I feel like I am walking on tenderhooks all the time I am at home, in fear of upsetting her.

She has asked me to talk more (she thinks I am depressed too!) and I have tried, but I'm not sure she's listening. She hasn't taken onboard anything I've mentioned.

She has changed from the woman I know and love. To the extent that I have got it into my head that she is having an affair! This is messing with my thoughts and stopping me from being effective at work.

She goes out when I get home from work. There is always a plausible reason, but this is new behaviour. She has started to go out to nightclubs / bars with her friends and out to friends homes. She's keeping her mobile very close to her when it used to be on the dining room table. I picked it up one day and she pretty much demanded I put it down. I asked her for her login to her mobile account to try and get a better deal for both our mobiles and she accused me of checking up on her. All I wanted to see was the average usage for a few months so that I could get some quotes.

I know that there are rational reasons for all the above behaviours, but I have this niggling thought in the back of my mind that I can't just turn off.

All I want is to spend some time with her to try and help her. I have mentioned going to relate and she doesn't want to. I feel like an island that is slowly sinking into the sea, helpless to help. I need support, but the person I am closest to is skinking further and faster than me.

I am an affectionate person and love to feel the comfort of a hug or a kiss. This has gone. No mention of sex, but that's been the case for a long time now. I've had a vasectomy earlier in the year - awaiting the all clear. I can count on one hand the number of times we have been intimate this year. I feel bitter because I do not feel loved in the way that I want to feel loved.

So, yes I'm feeling down because of the above. I am not depressed, if anything I am angry. I am angry that this illness has talen the woman I love and turned her into a zombie that is working on automatic. I have a lot of fight in me and I will not give up on our relationship or on the woman I love.

I long for her to return to me and need some assurance that this will happen.

Sorry if this has turned into a rant, sorry if it's long but I needed to get it off my chest or I would end up on antidepressants too!

Ade

[juppster]

Hi Ade and welcome
Im sorry nobody has replied to you sooner but i know alot of the girls on here are having a hard time at the moment.
Im so sorry your wife is suffering, and unfortunately this does have such an effect on the partner trying to support.
I can only say keep doing as you are doing. This illness is horrible and destructive and affects people in so many different ways. The physical contact side is one thing that tends to go im afraid, your wife is probably feeling scared, angry, guilt and very unworthy of anybody elses love at the moment but this will come back in time. Im sorry but i can't remember whether you said she was taking any medication or not or whether she is receiving any kind of therapy or support from health visitors or your GP. If not, this would be the first step to her recovery.
As i say, every woman responds and reacts to this illness differently and for partners it is heartbreaking to watch the woman they love going through this. You are being amazingly strong for her, especially coming on here, but you also have to look after yourself. There is only so much you can take, so i would suggest doing things for you too. Just going out for a drink with a friend, or taking some time out to do something that you enjoy for you.
Do come back and talk here if its helping, hopefully some of the other ladies will be along soon to advise more. There are also some other posts in this section by other partners who are going through and who have been through the same as you which you may find worthwhile reading through. Good luck mate x

[lostdude]

Hi,
Thanks for your kind words - being a typical bloke I have a shortage of close friends that I can share things with - especially those who have or are experiencing the difficulties that are facing us right now. There is one thing that I know I will not give up on my partner and will do everything I can to help her recover. It is almost like she has died and has been replaced with someone who looks the same, smells the same and talks the same - that is where the similarity ends I'm afraid. She says that she feels empty inside when I suggest that we need to make the effort to spend time together. I'm not talking about sex - I just want to hold her and reassure her that everything will be ok, for both our sakes.

She is on meds - been a fortnight now so not really making a difference yet.

She is a wonderful mother to our kids and has much more patience than I do at the moment.

I feel an afternoon sea fishing coming on....

Ade

[juppster]

Hey Ade
It is so lovely to hear from a partner that you will not give up on your wife..you must really love her which is exactly what she needs right now. Give the medication time to work its way into her system. Unfortunately it can be a very slow process and the dosage may need tweaking along the way.
I really hope you get your afternoon of sea fishing...you certainly deserve it x

[Weeble]

Hi

Sorry it has taken me time to reply, I still have my PNI and it takes me time to think what to say sometimes. Firstly, my OH suggested some websites he found useful when I was diagnosed with PND.

www.nct.org.uk/info-centre/information/view-83

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/postnatalmentalhealth/postnataldepression.aspx

Secondly, you partner might be right you may have PND too, its really common in men too, my oh has been depressed as well since the birth of our son. here is another link about male depression - there was also something in the guardian about it this week.

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/depression/mendepression.aspx

The situation you describe between the two of you is very similar to what has happened at times between us. Sometimes I can not bear to be close to my OH. However we have found some solutions including he tells me he needs a cuddle so I can give him one even when I am not up to it. Secondly, be really clear with her that she has too take the lead on sex, that she should never feel there is any pressure on her, all you would like is to cuddle .

Finally, I am absolutely sure that you are great with your kids too. I know my OH believed he could not look after kids and refused to look after both our newborn when he they came. However, he amazes me how good a father he is, we have different parenting styles, he does physical games, bike riding, wi boxing and generally storming around, while I do painting, cuddling and imaginary games.

Hope the next few days are ok, and do now this will take time, but she will recover

Kat

[lostdude]

Hi,
Here I again nearl 4 weeks since my last posting.
My partner is getting worse. She is ok at the start of the day, well seems to be and turns into a rabid monster towards the end. When I ask what's wrong she just says she's "f**ked off". Well, this is really starting to affect me now. She's not the only one who is f**ked off. I am trying really hard to bite my tongue and hold back but the continual barrage of snaps, complaints and complete lack of any emotional support for me is starting to take its toll.
I do not want anyone else, but the continued sleeping with her back to me and shrugging me off whenever I attempt a hug is getting to the point where I could just get in my car, leave and never return.
We have 4 wonderful kids and it is because of them that I will not do that. I love my partner I just can not stand this horrible person that she has changed into. It is 6 weeks that she has been taking her meds and I do not see any change in her at all, I'd even go so far as to say that she is worse now than when she wasn;t taking them.

I really hope she starts to recover and soon otherwise it'll be both of us on antidepressants before long.

[juppster]

Hi and welcome back
Im so sorry you are no further on but this is such a cruel illness and it really does take time. It may even be that your partner needs to up her medication or change altogether as it can take some time to find the right drug for her...is there any chance of her going back to the doctors to discuss it?
As for you, it may also be worth you speaking to your gp just to let them know how its affecting you. There is no shame in it if you do need some help too...this is such a devestating and exhausting illness it really does take its toll on everyone not just the person suffering from the illness.
Please keep talking on here even if its just to let off steam x

[Weeble]

Hi lost dude

Your post reminded me how hard it can be on our partners. Don't worry if you need help too. My oh did. Juppster is spot on with her advice. I can become a rapid monster towards the end of the day when I just can not cope anymore. Maybe you should talk to her about how she is feeling at that time?

Kat