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Post by re24311 on Oct 30, 2010 20:44:53 GMT
I've come across this forum after trying to find as much information as I can about PNI. I suspect that my wife has it. We've been together for 5 and a half years, married for under 18 months and a 7 month old baby. We also have a 2 year old and I have a 12 year old stepson.
I've read some of these posts and they're so strikingly similar to my life it's untrue and I don't know what to do. If I try to confront her with what I think, she'll say it's ridiculous etc
She was working up until our daughter was born (she was supposed to be in a meeting the day she was born) and went back to work very quickly afterwards. Before our daughter was born, she was told she was going to get a big promotion after she had the baby, so when she went back to work she was sometimes doing 10-12 hour shifts.
A couple of months ago, we started going through a bit of a rough patch, which was starting to get better. All of a sudden, it was like a switch was flicked and she started to become someone I didn't recognise. She just started refusing to be around me or showing any affection in any way. She took up a hobby which was helping out at the local cricket club which I encouraged thinking it was good for her to do something like that.
She started getting a lot more involved - going to meetings and events, then going on nights out. Soon after, she started not coming home telling me how she thought it was weird and would make her uncomfortable - basically telling me that she didn't feel the same way anymore.
I just tried to be a loyal husband thinking it was a rough patch, but we would pull through because I know her better than anyone. She continued to go out getting drunk etc and she started getting a lot of texts during the night & well all the time really. Always on facebook etc. I suspected she was seeing someone else but I simply couldn't imagine it.
Last week I cought her sending a text to a guy and it was the type of text you don't send to friends. I confronted her and she told me she wants to leave me and she has feelings for someone else.
This may sound like we've just drifted apart of whatever - but every single person I've told including mine and her parents agree that 'this isn't her'. It's the only way I can describe this, it just isn't her at all.
She can't bring herself to kiss me goodbye at all or anything. Her mum is a nurse and she touched upon the subject of PNI, but I thought that you affected the way you are with your baby etc.
When I told my parents, they told me they knew someone where the story sounded very similar and they turned out to have depression. She's had depression in the past, her brother is manic depressive and it runs in her family etc
I love my wife to bits & can't lose her, but she just doesn't want to know me. She's agreed to go to councelling (relate) even though she's said it's a waste of time because if the way she sees me now (or doesn't see me) and I want to use that session as an opportunity to voice my suspicions about PNI.
I just cannot explain it at all, how different she is and how unreasonable everything she does is. She absolutely adored me, and all of a sudden a couple of months ago she just changed completely. I think that us having 2 babies in 2 years, plus her working all hours has affected our relationship as we hardly got to spend any time together. She's got this hobby and found someone that's caught her eye. Because she's happy going out when she's getting drunk & whatever - she sees that as when she's happy and coming home to me as what's making her uphappy.
I just need help at how to make her see that this just isn't her - this isn't my wife at all.
Please help me
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Post by cazfletcher on Oct 31, 2010 11:08:17 GMT
good morning
you are going through it arent you? you sound like a really supportive partner and great dad which is wonderful. unfortunately sometimes PNI can seem to completely change a womans personality, and is not always about a mothers negative feelings towards their baby. her going out getting drunk sounds like her way of escaping these feelings. when shes at home playing part of the family she may feel trapped (i know i did, and many of the ladies here will agree to similar feelings). have you thought about seeing the health visitor or GP about whats happening. they could also put you in touch with a relatinship counsellor but that may be at a later stage, they will probably want to help your wife first. thats not to say there is no help out there for you! i have emailed you with some more general information on this forum and what we do here. i really hope you come back and talk if you are able to
caz
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Post by juppster on Oct 31, 2010 13:15:22 GMT
Hi there I just wanted to echo what caz has said above really. This is such a cruel illness and has such a big impact on the whole family, not just the woman who is suffering. Its great that you are going to go to relate, i know your wife says she doesn't see the point but often having an outside commenting on your relationship can really help. The other thing i would suggest for you is seeing if there is anyone else you can talk to? any friends who you could go out and have a drink with? You sound like such a caring partner and i can't imagine the pain you are going through at the moment but it seems you are doing all the right things. Good luck xx
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Post by chica on Nov 2, 2010 9:25:49 GMT
Hi there,
I am so sorry that you are going through all this, and my heart does go out to you, as when I was at my worst, I had no feelings or emotions at all to my hubby, and I must have put him through hell, it was like as you say a completely different person/woman that he had married. You say that your wifes mum has touched on PNI but thought it was all just how you felt towards your baby, is there maybe a way you could get her mum to look at this site too, and then maybe she could try and have a gentle word with her daughter? It is good to hear though that your wife, is still going to try and go to relate, is the waiting list very long?
Please come back, and let us know how you are all getting on.
Sending you strength in your dark moments.
Chica xxxx
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Post by re24311 on Nov 3, 2010 13:48:26 GMT
Thank you for your support, it's really gratefully appreciated.
When you were suffering and whether you were/weren't aware. How was your general attitude with everything. My wife has become almost completely selfish, self centered and unreasonable
I know she adores the kids, I don't see that as the issue with the PNI - just me. Everything I say and do is wrong, and the only thing she is generally concerned about is going out and being away from me.
We're pretty much seperated now, and she's changing and doing things like drinking on her own - which was something she never ever has done before. We went to an initial relate induction yesterday (an hour late as she 'had' to be with her friend in hospital as she had no family etc) so we only got 15 minutes really. In that time, she basically told me she thinks the marriage is over.
Again afterwards everything just seemed irrational for her, with her saying she will go to one proper counseling session 'to see if it works for her'.
Surely if she was herself, she'd make the effort to try to do something - if not for me, then our 3 kids.
Nothing makes sense
Were you completely self involved that way when you were suffering?
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Post by chica on Nov 3, 2010 14:56:08 GMT
To be honest with you, I am not sure how I appeared to the outside world and my hubby, as I was too wrapped up in myself and my survival of it all, so I guess now I have typed that, it does sound that I was being selfish, or that is possibly how it did look, I cant really explain it to be honest, I just was not me, I was on auto pilot most of the time, and just wanted to run away, and my hubby could do no right either, if he came near me, I would flinch, and yet there were times when all I wanted was a hug, but by that time he dared not approach me so then I would get mad, cos he wouldnt even cuddle me, it was a total nightmare. It took a long time I am afraid, and many tears were shed, for us to get back onto an even keel again, but I am happy to say that we are both now back on the same tracks, and possibly even stronger for it. I really, wished I could be of more help, and had the answers for you, but I can only try and explain how it was for me. I hope it was of some help.
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Post by re24311 on Nov 3, 2010 21:18:25 GMT
I would just like to ask if there's ever been anything like the following hypothetical situation occurred with any member or post on this board
Someone's wife has PNI and because of this (knowing it or not knowing it) ended the relationship with their husband and found someone else
When they started to recover and kind of 'snapped out of it', they realised what they had done but could never turn back the clock and get back their old 'real' life?
That's what i'm expecting to happen, i'm expecting her to leave me for this other person. She does not currently know what I know/suspect - but i'm going to tell her as soon as I can get her to sit down with me for a proper talk
I pray it won't come to that, but she's just being so stubborn, self centered and non maternal in the way she's prepared to destroy mine and the kids lives without a second thought
It breaks my heart as we were so happy
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Post by monica on Nov 4, 2010 9:45:40 GMT
I'm so sorry for what you're going through - this illness is cruel and it can make people change. However, it sounds as if your wife is unable to acknowledge how she has changed and is taking it all out on you directly and indirectly. There are women who have affairs - some say they just liked the attention and it was something away from their role as a mother and partner - escapism from things that were dragging them down. I became so insular and frightened and couldn't leave the house, but I was self centred in that all I could focus on were my own problems and issues.
As difficult and distressing as it is maybe you could try thinking about yourself and doing things for yourself. i do hope so much that the relate counselling will help her open her eyes to what she is doing and admit to her own feelings, but if she doesn't you must think of yourself. I'm sorry if that sounds bleak - as I said Ihoep things changed for the better - but if they don't it's important that you try and get pleasure out of life again. I hope I haven't upset you with my comments, just trying to think of youx
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 4, 2010 17:53:47 GMT
Hi, it really sounds hard for you just now. I can relate to most of what the other ladies have said. In my darkest days I was completely self involved. My life revolved around how I felt, how i wanted my baby to be and how no-one else was allowed to touch him. This was the first time i suffered. the 2nd time was completely different. i wanted out. I wanted to leave my partner. I wanted to have fun. I went out a few times, realised I was getting attention again. I felt wanted and pretty. I came home to my partner, and reality. It was being home and subsequently with my oh that made me feel bad. I began to relate my oh as the link between my pni and me. At times i blamed him. I left alot like things were his fault and that he didnt want me. He was pushing into me yet I couldnt bear him near me. But with time I realised that it was the pni, not me. I was forced, but my mother and father to go to the doc. i resented them at the time. But it held my family together and now things are better than before. Sometimes i think stronger because of it.
My advice, dont push into her. If she doesnt want kisses and cuddles, dont push it. i hated that most of all. The pressure. But do get her to a doc. Get her parents involved. Talk to them, tell them you need help. They will want their daughter better too. It cant be nice seeing their daughter suffering and ruining her life due to pni. Once the meds kick in she'll hopefully see the better side. Do you know any of her friends? any of them you could talk to about this?
Its a long hard road ahead, and I'm not promising it will turn out the way you want it to. But the best you can do is try. Think about you, how you can help you. Once you feel positive you can take a step closer to sorting things out. You need to be strong for her. Keep talking, it really does help!
Sarah x
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Post by re24311 on Nov 5, 2010 13:55:43 GMT
I really really appreciate your comments.
Our relationship has gone way too far and everything has completely spiralled out of control. There's now a waiting list for relate and there are 3 couples in front of us - it's not really an option
I found out that her intention was to go to the relate meetings to 'show me for good' that it's over
Her attitude is simply 'it's over - get over it'. Nothing she says or does towards me is anything other than venom and it kills me. I can't explain everything to her because she'll refuse to listen and ignore most things probably
I'm going to write everything down in a letter to her this weekend to explain absolutely everything to her. I know she'll probably hit the roof and things will probably get worse accusing me a clutching at straws or saying she doesn't know her own mind or whatever
I just have to do it and try to get as many people to support her as possible
She's intent on leaving me for someone without consideration for anything else. The one thing that makes me 100% sure that she's not herself - is that she has shown no sympathy or remorse for anything that has happened or is happening. She is like herself when the kids are there or she's with friends or anybody else - but not me. She's such a lovely, warm, genuine, caring, vunerable person and it breaks my heart
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 6, 2010 14:11:29 GMT
Things sound pretty tough. I'm sorry for that. I think what you plan with the letter sounds good. If she wont listen then she might read it. Its worth a try. Pni completely changes a womans personality. Her whole life. Its difficult for her and everyone around her. All I can say is good luck. I hope it works out for you x
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Post by grizzly on Nov 6, 2010 15:58:23 GMT
I know just what you're going through mate. My girlfriend and I went, and still are, going through a similar situation. When she's having a dark day she says how she wants to leave me, how she'll be better off on her own and how she doesn't love me. However, on her good days, everything's fine. Does your wife have good days and bad days? From what I read it seemed like she had only bad days. It also sounds to me like you've reached the point of no return. By that I mean that nothing YOU say or do will make her think or see otherwise. I've been there, it's hard, real hard. Have you told your wife that you think she may be suffering from PNI? If you have, what does she say/do? It took me 4 months of constant badgering to get my girlfriend to go see a doctor. The difference with her (compared to how your wife is), is she knew she wasn't well, that said though, getting her to make the first move to go to the doctors was one of the hardest decisions she had to make. She was worried that noone would believe how she was feeling, she was wrong! You must be going through so much emotionally and physically right now. It's surprising just how tired you become with the constant worry and stress but you need to know that you're not on your own. There's loads of men going through the exact same right now, it's just the severity of their partners illness that is different. You'll feel like you're fighting a loosing battle and, to an extent, you are. The thing you need to do, which will not be easy, is have your wife realise that the way she's being is totally out of character. You mention about her parents having a word with her, this might be the key although, the last thing you want to do is make your wife feel under pressure. If she feels that everyone is having a go it could make her worse. There's no easy solution to this at all and it really sucks but try keep positive.
If you want to talk man to man, pm me your number and the best time to call you and I will.
All the best mate
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Post by Weeble on Nov 6, 2010 22:08:40 GMT
Hi lads
Grizzly what gorgeous kids you have, they are beautiful. Pni is real hard on the whole family. I am glad you can bit talk here because my oh has managed my illness without such support, eventually getting diagnosed with depression as well. This illness is an angry illness, it sounds like your partners are directing there pain outwards on to you. I don't know what else to say other than reading. Your posts reminded me how shit it can be for my oh over the past year. He has had to cope with his wife suffering for the past 15 months and he keeps on going, I spent today trying to be really appreciative and finding a way for him to go out tonight.
Kat
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