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Post by carolinezoe on Dec 6, 2010 18:59:28 GMT
Hi all
Have been looking at this forum for a while now and thought I would pluck up the courage to start a diary.
In brief I have been suffering from pni since my little boy was born 16 months ago. I have had two hospital admissions due to this and have just returned back to work for the second time.
For the past week I have been really down with negative and frightening thoughts and due to the snow none of my support worker have been at work.
Things came to a head today when I felt like I had hit rock bottom I was too scaried to even drive my car home from work.
I managed to speak to one of the mental health team and I have a gp's appointment tomorrow, I know they will want the crisis team out again and I really don't want to go there again!
I just want this to stop.
Please feel free to post I would love to receive your replies especially if you can tell me it will get better as I am so down and negative at the moment.
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Post by Victoria on Dec 6, 2010 21:01:52 GMT
Firstly, well done for taking the positive step to start a diary. I have one and I find it such a help to me, on the good days but especially on the bad days, when the girls on here offer such fab support and keep me going. Sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long. My youngest has just turned 2 and I have too have PNI and an anxiety disorder, which is probably all down to the PNI. I wasnt diagnosed until my daughter was 18 months old.
You sound like you are having a really tough time at the moment. This snow really does cause chaos for people....is your work understanding about you having PNI? that always helps when they are supportive, but if not then that does make it harder.
Well done for realising that you need help and accepting that you need to ask for it. That is a positive step in itself. Is there any reason why you dont want the crisis team out to you? I had them out to me in the initial stages, and they came on a Sunday when I really needed it. I just found someone being there, accepting that what I had was an illness and I wasnt just going mad, gave me a little reassurance. It is so hard when you just want to feel normal again.....it can feel like it will never end but it will. There are some amazing recovery stories on here, ppl have suffered for a long time and do come out the other side. You will be a stronger person for it. Are you on medication at the moment? Sorry if I am being nosey. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Dec 6, 2010 21:10:48 GMT
Hi caroline. I so understand how you feel about the crisis team, I know when the mental health teams turn up on my door I panic, I hate it I feel so damaged so flawed, so generally awful. However after so many months of this illness I am finding it easier. Well done on starting your diary, I guess if you have been reading here for some time you will know lots about us. Put please feel to join in on our diaries and we are here to listen
Kat
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butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
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Post by butterfly on Dec 7, 2010 14:43:02 GMT
Hi welcome, You sound like you have been through.a horrendus time. Well done for going back to work I know how hard that is. Well done for asking for helo, so many times I should have done and never did, good knows how I have managed to get were I am now without ending up at the bottom of a cliff. You WILL get better, it takes time and you'll need help. Getting stuf off your chest on here is great. Take care Bf x
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Post by carolinezoe on Dec 7, 2010 15:11:21 GMT
Thanks for your replies sometimes it just helps knowing that i am not the only one out there! I am currently on olanzapine and venlafaxine.
I saw my gp this morning and she was really good we have decided that i will just work up to maximum of 4 hours a day for 4 days a week. My employer has been fantastic as I was open and honest with them from the start well i no choice the second time as was sectioned in hospital and i was too ill to say anything but the truth!
I am just frightened of the crisi team out again as both times they have come out before I have ended up in hospital and i really don't want to again.
My gp has said that i will get through this and the intrusive thoughts will stop she has increased my medication to see if that helps.
I feel that I am going into myself a bit and turning away offers of help but i am much more aware of this time and I am just trying to accept the help.
Sorry for rambling on!
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Post by Victoria on Dec 7, 2010 20:33:31 GMT
Hi Caroline nice to see you back. I see you are on venlafaxine. That would be my next option if citalopram doesnt work as it didnt really do much the first time I took it. Can I ask how you find venlafaxine? Have you had many side effects? are you finding that they are helping you? Your employer sounds very supportive. Best to be honest with them, I think they would be more willing to work with you if you are upfront with them. I know the crisis team can be a daunting thing, but just because you ended up in hospital before, doesnt mean you will again. I dont know too much about them as they only visited me the once, chatted to me on the driveway and left me to it. No follow up or anything. I put on my poker face for them, on a good day, and they were satisfied. You will get through this. Your gp is right. I am terrible at being positive sometimes, and seeing the light at the end is hard when you are on a bad day. What dose of meds are you on? Tell me to mind my own beeswax if I am asking too many questions I just find everyones journeys interesting as there is always little tips and helpful advice we can give each other to help us through this horrid illness. I agree about what you say about offers of help. Although the easier option mentally can be to say you are fine and you dont need help but do as you are, and take as much help as you can. It is a very positive step in accepting that you are ill, letting others know you need help, and then accepting the help when it is offered. Well done you. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Dec 7, 2010 21:00:49 GMT
It's great hearing from you again, you are certainly not the only one out there. Hospital has certainly left it's scars for you. It was my biggest fear when I first became ill. I am grateful to our local home treatment team who managed me at home. However when o came along (yes I got pregnant when under the home treatment team) I was much less worried about the possibility of an mbu, it all seems much less scary once you live with this illness.
It's great you are talking about your return to work, I need in jan to start thinking about it. I went back between the two babies never got above three days a week, it was a contributory factor to my relapse in the summer. You and bfs courage is really helping me sum up the courage to deal with my work. Thank you for sharing.
Kat
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Post by carolinezoe on Dec 7, 2010 21:24:15 GMT
Hi butterfly - I am taking 150mg of venlafaxine, it is the third antidepressant I have been on I tried Prozac but that made me feel even worse! Then mitazapine which worked but I swapped to venlafaxine as i was suffering from bad anxiety and it is meant to help with that. I have been really lucky and not had any side effects from it and it has helped me. I take 10mg of olanazapine which total knocks me out but I tried to reduce it to feel less sedated and it was too soon so I put the dose up again, the worse effect from this is the weight gain and constant hunger!
Hi kat - in relation to work I would take it slowly I initially when back in April mainly for financial reasons and against all my support workers advice and went back four full days a week, looking back this was clearly too much and contributed to my relapse. This tine I have started off doing two hours a day initially and now moved up to four. It is a struggle but I think I have got to work so might as well give it another try. For me being honest was the best thing and the hr team have been great by researching the condition and coming out to see me and discussing the condition and my treatment.
I am glad I have helped good luck with work sometimes the distraction can be good to help you forget about the pni and concentrate on something else.
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Post by Weeble on Dec 7, 2010 22:34:25 GMT
Sounds so familiar my psychiatrist nearly fell off her chair when I announced I had gone back to work four weeks after I had been discharged by the htt. Financial reasons as well. I managed to hid my relapse behind my pregnancy. I agree work is the one place I do not feel flawed and damaged. I liked feeling like a normal successful woman with children. Are you working tomorrow?
Kat
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Post by Victoria on Dec 8, 2010 10:54:27 GMT
I was a little scared of venlafaxine as I stooopidly read reviews about it and it said it is hard to get off of. But then there are bad reviews about every anti d going where others swear by them.
Work sounds like a good thing. Taking your mind off the pni for a couple of hours sounds great. I think it would do me good but I dont have a job and cant face the searching and interview process at the moment.
How are you today? xxx
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Post by carolinezoe on Dec 8, 2010 20:50:12 GMT
Am getting stressed as I found out today that I have got my assessment for psychotherapy tomorrow. We have not any post for 11 days due to the snow and my cpn rang to day to check I was going and I did not know anything about it!
I have been waiting for it for a long time and I hope it will help as I need something at the moment. Saw my family support worker today she braved the ice to come round and I spent 1.5 hours crying on her shoulder but feel a bit better after it as I had been bottling things up and needed to get them off my chest. She has suggested taking a career break for one year to concentrate on getting better and looking after my son unsupervised. I would love to do this but I don't think we can really afford it so hard conversation to have with the husband about the future.
Last night things came to a head withbthe husband I have been having a blip for just over a week and I appreciate he panics when I say I feel down again but all we have done is argue since then and then yesterday I felt like I could not carry on so it all spilled out. Hopefully we might have turned a corner and we have agreed to go to family therapy on Friday which will hopefully help us as I don't want to lose my marriage and everything else due to pni.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment i can't believe how much writing just a few things down has helped x
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Post by Weeble on Dec 8, 2010 21:49:39 GMT
Hi Caroline
My best advice I can give you from my experience is don't make any decisions about work yet. You have Xmas coming up and if you are about to start with the psychologist they will help you make a decision. Do remember that going back to work is hard for every mum with or without pni. I have done it twice and the mixed emotions were very hard both times. Third time coming up.
Good luck with you assessment tomorrow I am so pleased that you are getting to start soon.
Kat
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butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
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Post by butterfly on Dec 9, 2010 12:02:36 GMT
Hi hi Good luck with the pyscotherapy, I know what you mean about you don't want to loose your marriage to this illness as its tests all relationships. I am glad that writing on here has helped you, have you told your support worker that you are doing this, I have never told anyone but my HV suggested I checked out these websites. Anyway take care Bf x
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Post by carolinezoe on Dec 13, 2010 20:33:05 GMT
hi everyone
After having a major blip which i am still recovering from (damm these horrible intrusive thoughts i just wish they would go) something amazing happened tonight!
My husband asked my little boy where mummy was and he pointed at me! It may seem something so small to others but to me it was just amazing we have been separated on two occassions and struggled to bond and i finally feel like we may be getting there.
I have not told anyone about posting on here I am usually quite a private person which has made opening up about pni even worse so i want to have something that only i know about.
The psychotherapist appointment was disappointing he said it was intial assessment and more people are turned down than accepted for treatment so we have agreed to spend our savings on private counselling to see if that will help as several people have mentioned it.
Well thats all for now take care and try to stay strong and positive we will get through this!
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Post by Weeble on Dec 13, 2010 22:47:12 GMT
Yahoo it's such a wonderful moment, you must feel amazing. Good decision on keeping going on the talking therapies, I am finding it really helpful in dealing with my illness and I have had to pay for all of mine to date, it's turned out to be money well spent although it is eating our savings too.
Kat
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