Post Natal Depression

[Lorinda]

I've had three children in four years time, my last one turning five years this month. I suddenly realized with a shoch that I have been suffering from PND all ths time without knowing it. Is it possible? I have undergone a personality change since during the last five years - too many aspects to write about. Basically I cannot cope with simple mothering tasks (emotionally and physically), I have had a breakdown last week and are on tranquilizers. Alcohol helps me cope with the demands children places on me, I often battle with violent thoughts towards them and feel as if there is a monster in me waiting to jump out and anialate them. I have pushed my husband away with the way I became. But can this still be PND five years after the birth of my last child?

[Lorinda]

Guest-Lorinda said:

I've had three children in four years time, my last one turning five years this month. I suddenly realized with a shoch that I have been suffering from PND all ths time without knowing it. Is it possible? I have undergone a personality change since during the last five years - too many aspects to write about. Basically I cannot cope with simple mothering tasks (emotionally and physically), I have had a breakdown last week and are on tranquilizers. Alcohol helps me cope with the demands children places on me, I often battle with violent thoughts towards them and feel as if there is a monster in me waiting to jump out and anialate them. I have pushed my husband away with the way I became. But can this still be PND five years after the birth of my last child?

[conway]

Hi Lorinda,

I just wanted to say that please try not to worry about the way that you feel. 16 years ago, I gave birth and I had the most terrible PND, but i didnt know what it was and it effected my relationship with my son. I was like you unable to bond, having terrible visions and I hated his Dad. I used to get hallucinations as well, some days I used to sit and just stare and think why dont I have any feelings, when he cried I didnt feel anything and that went on for years. I didnt even feel guilty about the way that I felt.

Well our relationship actually developed into something really special, and he is my pride and joy, the very best thing I ever achieved. He has been like a rock to me, especially as I have had another baby and have spent the last year suffering with PND once again.

As bad as I have been this year and as much as I and my family have suffered as a consequence of my PND, I am completely confident that it will get better.

Having small children drains the energy out of you, and you spend a lot of time looking back at the person you once were - dont feel guilty about it, its completely natural - in a way you have had a death of yourself, and you feel mournful of that.

Don't feel guilty for wanting some time or some life of your own, I think your amazing for having had three children in such a short space of time and not feeling down already!!

But, once the children get older and you regain control over your life once again, you will feel like a new woman - and a much fulfilled one with the love and affection of your children.

Drinking often feels like a way out, especially when they've gone to bed at night. Try setting yourself a target of only drinking on certain evenings, and carry on from there, until you've regained control of that as well.

Your not a bad mother, you are like millions of us who dont get the help they need or the understanding they deserve.

I've been there and I know the depth of it. Sometimes when you're faced with the reality of knowing you are the only person who is going to sort out your problems, it can make you stronger and give you the strength to change your life for the better.

Be a survivor, you've recognised your problem - your half way there already.

Good luck, and every time you feel angry towards your children - give them a hug, tell them you love them - it'll make you all feel better.

Conway

[Lorinda]

Dear Conway

Thank you so much for your encouraging reply. It really helped. I started with antidepressants a week ago (Aurorix) and I'm hoping that soon I will feel like living again. I've been reading a book "Depression after childbirth" and am amazed that my PND has not been diagnosed by the countless docters and Psyciatrists I've seen during the last four years of my life. I am sad that I have caused so much damage to my marriage and children and at the thought that it could have been prevented had I known what was wrong with me. The guilt about my aggression, "not coping", and lack of tolerance towards my family almost destroyed me and at times I was convinced they would be better off if I ended my life and freed my husband up to find a better partner and mother for my children. If only I knew what was wrong with me things could have been so different.
I am determined though to do whatever it takes to get out of it and to get to a place where I am coping emotionally and to become an optimist like I used to be. We are going for marriage counselling and I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. Thanx for the encouragement.

Lorinda

[Angela]

Hi Lorinda

I also totally know how you feel but I only have the one child. I used to expect my husband to be a mind reader as to know how I was feling and blamed him constantly for the way my life turned out when I had my daughter. I have family who could help but choose not to for whatever reason, they always find excuses and when they do eventuallt take my daughter it's last thing in the evening and then we have to get her first thing in the morming. And even then they think they've done you a huge favour. I also drink sometimes this helps it did at first but now it depresses me more.
I am getting better though and for the moment I am off a/d I don't know how things will turn out time will only tell. I wish you all the good luck in the world. You say somtimes you feel like ending it to give your kids a chance of a better mum. I'd say you sound like a great mum as it is, pressure aside. Your still hanging in there and your seeking the help and admitting you need it. I'd say that also from being a strong mum your also a pretty strong woman to have that many kids in such a short period.
Somtimes when you get down on yourself you should also look at what you've done and be proud of yourself.
Good luck to you

With kindest regards

Angela x

[Lorinda]

I have had a major breakthru! I saw my Gynae three days ago and he prescribed Progesterone setpills (vaginal) which is the natural kind with no side-effects. I feel like a different person after only two applications. I am suddenly patient and kind to my children, I feel as if I can cope with anything that comes my way. Things that would usually overwhelm me and freak me out is suddenly only minor hills instead of insurmountable mountains. I have energy (more in the mornings) to do what I need to do and the biggest change is that I suddenly feel as if I can comfort and nurture my children without having to fight against feelings of resentment towards them for causing the stress in my life. I feel kind towards my husband and although we've been separated for the last week (I moved out and he stayed with the children) - the feelings of wanting to escape my responsibilities are gone! I spend most of the days with my kids (as well as running a business from home)and he takes over after work. I now have hope for my life again. I'm ready to pick up the pieces and start over again - just sad that I only found out now after many years of damage and inner torture. Feelings of failure at motherhood and the tasks that others seemed to cope so easily with bound me to self-pity, rejection and depression. If only I knew and got treatment before, my life could have been so different. I've also been on Depnil (the newer version of Aurorix) for the last two weeks. Apparantly the combination of these two treatments are really effective. I need to take the Progesterone for only ten days pre-menstrual every month. Lets hope this is a permanent change!

Lorinda

[Angela]

Congratulations Lorinda

Light at the end of the tunnell eh. You must b feeling really positive.
Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Angela x

[conway]

;D

Hi Lorinda,

I am so pleased for you, I hope that your new found feeling grow stronger and stronger.

I'm sure you and your husband will sort things out, if thats what you want...It sounds like your calling the shots at the moment!!

Your a new woman...

Take care

Conway