|
Post by loopylynn on May 18, 2011 9:15:37 GMT
Another day and I have managed to drag myself out of bed. Thinking about when I had PNI with my previous child, I don't recall having so many of the physical symptoms that I am experiencing now. It feels like my legs won't take the weight of my body to carry me, it feels such a chore to stand up because my head spins, my breathing gets faster and I feel so anxious that I am feeling like I am in a haze. That in itself feels like a viciuos circle the more I think the more I panic.
I sat for ten minites rocking my son to sleep this is the only way I can get him to sleep and I sit cringing incase my othet two boys come running in and wake him up before I get him to sleep properly. Huge waves of panic that he will continue to cry. I am really struggling to split my time, into spending time with the baby and also with the two boys, I feel like they are playing by themselves so much whislt I am trying to cope with baby. They seem to be doing all they can to wind me up. They are 4 and just 3 so are running in our room from 4am onwards and as my partner leaves for work at 5am they seem to think it amusing that they are trashing their room just for attention so I get up to them. They are fighting like cat and dog everyday and then my oldest son goes to nursery and he is the perfect child so it makes me feel even worse that maybe he is aware that I am not spending much time with them?
Another sleepless night of breastfeeding and not being able to sleep. I have visions of my baby dying again which was triggered when he was ill at weeks old, and in intensive care on a ventilator each time I close my eyes thats all I can see him on that machine and someone saying I am sorry he will die. I feel awful having these thoughts and people do try and tell me that he is OK but I can't see that how they obviously do.
I have sat this morning thinking shall I ring GP again but even that I can't bring myself to do as I am scared at the thought of taking meds again and being on my own, knowing how bad I felt taking them last time
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on May 18, 2011 16:51:15 GMT
Hi loopylyn
I read what you wrote today and I want to cry for you, you poor soul what a horrible time you have had. Butterfly who is off the forum last year, watched her child be resuscitated on a number of occasions when she was only a few days old too. Such a horrific thing for any parent to endure. When my second son was nine days old he developed a group b strep infection and some rubbish junior doctor tried to send him home. That left me traumatised enough but is so insignificant in comparison to your mare.
Sadly I have some very sad experiences involving babies that had died and when my pni was bad I would see those dead children when I was breastfeeding it was horrific, I can only sympathise with the pain and horror of it.
Just keep talking, the girls here have saved me from this awful illness .
Kat
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 18, 2011 20:16:43 GMT
Thanks Kat,
It was awful beause we weren't going to take him to hospital he wasn't Ill so to speak just not himself. We rang out of hours just to be on safe side as he wasn't feeding to well and went floppy after a bath, but if we hadn't gone xmas shopping that night he would have already been put to bed that night and heaven forbid. Even that thought had me panicing now, As it turned out he was just starting to go down hill with Broncilistis. I feel bad for having these thoughts but they were starting to fade a little until the last few days. Now he is 7 months old and starting with a cold and I can feel the anxiety building. My 3rd child was one of triplets so I too have had a bad time and that was issues for me when having my third child. I just keep thinking does it get better. Having had it before I should be able to see this but i can't
|
|
|
Post by juppster on May 19, 2011 7:07:22 GMT
Hi lynn and welcome to the diary section. I really hope you find it useful to get all your thoughts and feelings down x Reading through what you have experienced i can understand why your anxiety is building up at the moment. Unfortunately when you have experienced something so emotionally draining, even the little things can trigger your thoughts and feelings. Keep writing here though honey, alot of the girls find it really therapeutic and hopefully you will too xx
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 20, 2011 11:18:51 GMT
Had what felt like quite an easier day yesterday as I wasn't on my own (at MIL house) although the reason behind it meant I had to rush around and get the kids sorted and out house for painters to come which in itself had me anxious. Anyone would think I was going to be late for an interview or something. I panic that I won't get anywhere on time, like collecting my daughter from school.
Eventhough I got no help with kids etc being at someone elses house made it easier as I am not sat thinking as much, half the time I am thinking about thinking and that makes me feel like I am cracking up.
Been up all night with baby, he is either teething or coming down with a cold and I can't help myself today from thinking something bad is going to happen to him, and being on my own makes those thoughts unbearable. He cried in the night and I kept thinking about when he was really ill. The boys have been reasonably good today up to now which is a great relief because they have been irritating me all week.
Glad the weekend is coming around so I won't be on my own, finding it really hard my other half being out 14 hours a day. We are meant to be at my sister in laws bbq over the weekend and the thoughts of going has me in a real panic, I feel like no1 cares how I am feeling so I sit and pretend I am ok as I have told her and my MIL how I feel and I get nothing back from them. Still feeling really dizzy and that makes me think what is up with me or is this PNI as I didn't suffer with dizziness with my 2nd child and suffered PNI.
|
|
|
Post by juppster on May 20, 2011 18:53:27 GMT
Glad you had a better day yesterday mate. Hopefully these will become more and more as you start to recover. The dizziness was definitely part of the pni for me and even now, if i get stressed or anxious about something its one of the first symptoms to come up. Hoping you get a better nights sleep tonight and that you manage the bbq over the weekend xx
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 23, 2011 9:12:27 GMT
Feeling really fed up today another weekend passes by and another weekend of everyone trashing the place for me to have to clean up on a monday morning!! All I want to do is walk out. I just don't get why people can't see that it is getting to me and thats all I feel I am here for.
My daughter had her friend stay over friday night, then she stayed at her friends saturday night and came back yesterday in a mood which seems to be a daily thing now for my 8 year old. Wish I knew what more I could do to make the kids happy. I gave up my job to look after them when I had my 2nd child and have worked from home since then. I don't go out and have no hobbies etc as I don't get time and it still never seems enough for the kids.
To top my weekend I got my first period since having little one today (joys of breastfeeding yay) so feel totally exhausted and aching along with the dizziness and fuzzy head, just wish that I could see that my life has some purpose and that seem to be becoming an everyday thought now of whats the point in being here.
Baby is still full of cold so finding it hard to stop thinking something will happen to him. Kids just won't allow him to sleep so as soon as I get him to nap which takes over an hour to get him to sleep they wake him up, I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail with everything and don't see a way of this getting any better.
I feel like that the only option is to either not be here or take tablets which I am so scared to do as they made me feel so bad last time I am worried of being on my own and taking them
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on May 23, 2011 10:37:33 GMT
Hi loopylyn
You sound like things are tough and you are tired, overwhelmed and fed up. My husband and I both say we look forward to the weeks for a rest the weekends are so hard. My house looks like a tornado hit it, but I think it was actuallymy husband and 20 month old.
I battle with the suicidal thoughts a lot, but I keep taking my drugs because I know my children need me and it is the illness that puts those thoughts in our head. Yeah the side effects are pants, but when they have worked I am always surprised how good and easy life can be.
Which drugs are you on? What worries you about them?
Tell us more about your family, how old are they all?
Kat
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 23, 2011 11:54:33 GMT
I took Sertraline when I had PNI with my 2nd child, I stopped taking them as I hated the way they made me feel, almost as if someone was spinning my head round 24-7 nor did I grieve when I lost my grandad I just felt so numb taking them.
The GP changed them (can't remember name suitable with Breastfeeding, I didn't take them for long which won't have even started working before I stopped) I was then told by counsellor to try without and have been scared to take since.
My kids are 8, 4, just 3 and months old. I feel guilty for feeling like I do but other than the kids I don't have a life and I feel like I am resenting this at the minute because I am sitting wishing I wasn't here more than I am anything else
|
|
|
Post by monica on May 23, 2011 16:58:38 GMT
Hi
hope you don't mind me writing in your diary. your life sounds so busy without a single second for yourself. Pni is horrible and draining where everything seems so bleak. I distinctly remember feeling exactly the way you do - wishing i hadn't had my son as I wouldn't feel this way. Eveything was so overwhelming. i just wanted soemone to erase me from the planet.
Did you go to see your dr or hv? it' s worth talking to them. You dont' have to take meds unless you want to; sayign that it can take a few goes to find one that works for you adn they can help hugely.
Is there any chance someone can give you a break? in laws, family friends. haveing a bit of me time can perk you up and let you relax a bit.
How is your baby? you have been through so much with him, no wonder you get so anxious if he is ill. i suffeed from bad health anxiety and the slightest wiff on an illness would set me into a panic. Maybe try writing down the evidence you have for something bad happening then in another column the evidence for it being something straight forward and non serious? This may sound a bit weird but i did this and seeing in black and white that there wasn't really any real evidence of my child getting seriously ill would help allay my fears.
big hugs to you
Monicax
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on May 23, 2011 21:01:57 GMT
Hi loopylyn
Thank you for writing in my diary. It's great to hear your perspective. I have three kids too, 4, 21 months and 8 months all little boys, and you could be writing what I say. I know your experience with the drugs was difficult and the lack of emotions you describe is very common, but they can make a massive difference once they find the right one.
However don't feel pressured you are in control. Of course you feel guilty, that's what this totally pants illness does, it makes you ill and then makes you guilty. please remember that even the most well mother has times when they don't like there kids, it's so normal.
Kat
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 24, 2011 7:55:37 GMT
Thanks Kat and Monica for writing back to me, it is a real help knowing that I am not the only person feeling like this, and having someone who understands without feeling I am being judged is the biggets help.
Wow Kat, you sound busy too with 3 little ones? Do you get much help with them? I don't have any help with mine. My inlaws have the kids if I need to take one of the other kids for an appointment or parent's evening etc and I don't really have any friends down here so have to plod on myself! If I didn't feel so shit I think I would feel sorry for myself. Me time I don't know what that is anymore, I don't feel like me as a person exists anymore I am just the cook, cleaner and general dogs body and feel if anyone cared they would see that this is getting me down. I was wanting to do my Callentics DVD sunday (in the hope that trying to get back on track with losing weight may help me feel better about myself) which as per usual never happened, when its something for me, I hate feeling so resentful but being stuck in 24hours a day 7 day a week feeling like this I just can't help think whats the point??
I have felt like rining the doctors this last couple of days but that means fitting in the journey over there with all the kids by myself and I know I would cry and cry and don't want to do this infront of them.
Another day where I feel like crap awful period cramps etc aswell so feeling even more drained, massive headache and feel like I want to go back to bed. Feel fat and ugly again today.
|
|
|
Post by loopylynn on May 24, 2011 8:12:11 GMT
Rang the doctors up so wish me luck!!!
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on May 24, 2011 13:23:54 GMT
Hi Loopylyn
Good luck with the doctors you are doing the right thing, I am busy with my three little ones, but I am very lucky I have childcare, I have a full time job when I am well, so use the care I have for that, costs a fortune. In fact my husband was told by my psychiatrist nanny or hospital for me seven months ago.
This me time is so important, i didnt take any and it has been essential to recover, have you heard of home start, they can provide you with a volunteer who will help you for a couple of hours a week, so you can have a rest.
Understand everything you are saying; its such a killer this illness.
Kat
|
|
|
Post by monica on May 24, 2011 15:26:28 GMT
Hiya
Huge well done on calling drs - it's well worth it. Do tell them exactly how you feel as they will be better able to establish what your needs are.
Maybe talk to your oh and inlaws - would they be able to look after all the kids even once, twice a week for a couple of hours? Your life is 24/7 kids and cleaning etc. Can you imagine doing a paid office job or whatever 24/7? You'd go nuts yet that's what you and many of us do for nothing. Think of a breather as an investment into your well being.
Love
monica
|
|