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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 16, 2011 16:19:34 GMT
Sunday night was the worst night ever for me. I had given up , I felt comepletly numb and could not find a reason for living anymore.
We went to bed and I lay there, I couldn't even take my tablet, david handed to me and I couldn't muster the energy to even swallow it.
Every thing came flooding out, I completly broke down and cried for an hour, this is the first time I had been able to cry like this in front of David and it's the first time I have told him how I really feel, how I am scared every minute of every day, how I can't stop my constant thoughts and fears. I told him how I am terrified I am dying, that there is something physically wrong and how I am scared I will leave Ella without her mum.
I am so angry over this illness, I think it's a horrible , cruel illness for any mother to go through.
Today has been a better day, I haven't been out the house, but I have fort the panic attacks, and focused on entertaining Ella. MY phycial symptoms have been the preassure in my head, a few dizzy spells but not as bad as they've been in the past.
My washing, ironing and house work is building up, it's driving me crazy as I can't find the time away from Ella to do it.
It's the funeral tomorrow, I am dreading it. I have to take Ella as all my family are away.
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Post by juppster on Aug 16, 2011 19:09:10 GMT
Ah honey, I have had a few nights like your Sunday night before now. Not nice but good that you could finally let your emotions out properly in front of your husband. Glad today has been a better day for you mate. Will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx
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Post by monica on Aug 16, 2011 19:26:46 GMT
Big hugs to you especially for tomorrow. It will be hard but you will get thru it. Ella will also be a distraction for youx
My heart goes out to you as I know exactly how frightened and frustrated u feel with illness. It is extremely cruel and unbelievably debilitating. But please don't lose hope as in time you will recover . Will be thinking of you tomorrowx
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Post by juppster on Aug 17, 2011 7:42:23 GMT
My thoughts are with you all today honey xxx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 18, 2011 19:05:33 GMT
Thanks guys Well everything about yesterday was a disaster, but I wont bang on about that because today was great! I got my backside in gear this morning and took Ella to baby class, drove there on my own, got her weighed (fat porker) we stayed an hour in baby play and then I took her into the sensory room.. she loved it ;D Got home without any panics, so I decided to make the most of it and shipped poor Ella off in the car again and went for a walk around town.... I am so pleased with myself today.. I hope it continues. For the first time in a long time there felt a point to the day and it wasn't so bad ;D
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Post by juppster on Aug 19, 2011 7:45:20 GMT
Yay...huge well done to you mate, how great is that....keep going girl, you are doing fab xxx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 20, 2011 23:06:11 GMT
Today I went backwards again, god the panic attacks, the feeling out of my body, its horrible I hate it, it just comes out of nowhere and I have no control of it.
I can't control my thoughts, they scare me , it's like everything is black and horrid. When I get like this I can't bare to look at Ella, I cry at thinking of what I am doing to her.
I have my first CBT on Tuesday. I hope this will help.
However shit I feel today, I look back and its not as bad as I were a few weeks back
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Post by juppster on Aug 21, 2011 8:37:44 GMT
Unfortunately it goes like that mate but eventually the good days will start to outweigh the bad...at least you can still see an improvement even though you're feeling crap right now. CBT in my opinion should really help with your thoughts and changing the way you think in certain situations...good luck on Tuesday xx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 21, 2011 19:58:03 GMT
I woke up this morning feeling grim, but I forced myself to get dressed and get out the house, I took ella to town for a mooch around the shops, Bought her a nice new winter dress from next ;D We had a coffee in costa, not one panic attack. ;D
I took her to the Park with my Boxer dog Jazz, we bumped into my GP and Vet at the same time ... how weird was that !
Another good day!
I also bought Ella a Diary, 2011-2012, I am going to write in it every Day to Ella, so she can have it when she's older ..
Another good day !!! This is getting better.
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Post by juppster on Aug 22, 2011 17:26:44 GMT
Fantastic news mate, you sound as though you are going great guns and just remember if you do have a bad day, hour or whatever, just write it off as being a blip..its all part of the recovery process xx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 23, 2011 21:01:53 GMT
Had a strange day today, I think subconsciously I must of being getting stressed about my CBT appointment as all my symptoms were full blown from waking up.
The appointment was an hour it was strange, she was asking me questions that I never thought anyone else would know about.. about my thoughts and how I feel. It was really draining, I was in a full blown panic attack during the session where the doc had to calm me down and help me breath properly.
I shocked myself at some of the things I told her.
It was supposed to be a six weeks course, but she thinks I need more intense and longer treatment, so she will be discussing it with her colleagues and phoning me this week with a plan.
I have been on the edge of panic since leaving the session, tonight I am really having to try to hold it together.
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Post by juppster on Aug 25, 2011 18:15:15 GMT
Hey Gail I can so understand how you must have felt at your cbt session. Unfortunately it can make you feel a little worse before it gets better as you almost have to relive all the thoughts and feelings you get...BUT, it does get easier i promise. How have the last few days been honey? xx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 25, 2011 18:41:54 GMT
Thanks ... Yeah the last few days have been good ;D I managed to take Ella to baby club on my own again today. I've just got back from a late appointment with my gp, she thinks I should be up'ing my medication now, she also said the same as you Jupiter that CBT treament might make me worse before I get better so she would like my on a higher dose to be ready. .. I declined, I don't think I am ready for it yet as I am just getting used to the meds now, the spaced out feeling has left me, and I am starting to get out more and get into a routine. I don't want the panic of taking more meds just yet (thats what I do panic) I would obsess about what a higer dose would be doing to me I've found the more I am getting out with Ella and the more confident I am with her, she's easier now.. she sleeps better and seams more relaxed. She's almost rolling over now so I'm going to be in trouble soon ;D My Gp and phycitrist (sp) has diagnosed me with servere health anxiety.. not sure if its brought on by the deppression or the other way around. I am more aware now that I worry all day every day about my health and if its not that then I am worrying about Ella. My gp expained that your mind can only take so much and its physically exausting to be stressed all day long. Things are looking abit clearer now, I understand things alot more. When my symptoms come on, the flashing lights, dizzy spells etc etc I am trying my best to ignore then and concentrate on doing something else. The last few days this has helped me alot. My goal for tomorrow is to Bath Ella while I am home alone. I have been able to do this since I've had the images of her drowning.
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Post by monica on Aug 26, 2011 8:32:39 GMT
Hi
You are really making progress so huge well done. CBT adn counselling can be very draining and upsetting - after all you are raking up very painful memories and thoughts but in the long run you need to face your fears to move forwards if that makes sense.
Good luck with bathing Ella today - remember whatever thoughts you have had they are ust that - thoughts and your protective instinct going into overdrive where you see danger everywere. but it will pass adn the more you challenge these thoughts the easier it will get to complete these tasks.
Monicax
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 26, 2011 14:25:09 GMT
Thanks Monica,
well I managed to bath Ella, no dramas ;D
They Dizzyness is back today, I am doing my best to try and ignore it and hope it goes away.
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