Fear of death

[krate]

Hi there,

I am a 35yr old first time mother of a 5 month old and recently I am experiencing real anxiety about death - me dying and not being there to care for my son and essentially missing out. I cannot bare the thought of missing out on my son's life or him living not having known me. I also panic about him dying - have fetal monitor etc as was so worried about cot death. Today I started worrying about my parents getting old (63 years old) and feeling that they do not have long left. I know what I am thinking is silly but my feelings are out of control. I have been getting really tearful about it. I am not religious and believe that once we are gone, thats it ... and I am now finding this belief so hard to take on. Before I had my son I really did not care, I used to just think that its worse for people left behind, once you're dead thats it. But now I cannot handle it. What has complicated this is that my 93 year grandma died when my son was 4 weeks old and I feel really guilty about things - I didn't get on with her in her last 5 years and didn't take my son to see her. I now feel terrible and wish I had been more understanding of her pain etc.


Basically I am experiencing existential angst about life/death and how absurd life really is. I know its stupid but I cannot shake it. I feel like I am 14 again and questionning the meaning of life but this time I am finding it more disturbing. I hope that this goes and I can relax into life again. ... I am reluctant to see my GP as they will recommend antidepressants (cannot take as breastfeeding) or counseling (unsure how i could fit this in while exclusively breastfeeding and cannot afford it)...... is this is a "normal" issue after childbirth or do you think I need to see some help? is this a phase made worse by sleep deprivation and feelings of loss around my identity (work, socially etc).

I do suffer anxiety anyway and prior to being pregnant was on antidepressants for anxiety.

sorry for waffling. Any advice or words of wisdom would be great.

[juppster]

HI there and welcome
You are certainly not waffling and you are certainly not alone. There is a section further down the forum about the dreaded thoughts that will make you realise you are certainly not the only one to suffer these thoughts. With regards to not taking anti d's whilst breastfeeding there are a few ladies on here whom have done so with no ill effects to their babies...may be worth just going for a chat. Keep talking here though and hopefully some of the other ladies will be along later to help support you xxx

[Hopeful]

Hi and welcome from me too x

I had thoughts like that too - yes, existential angst - any fears I had in the background came sharply into focus and one was fear of death and leaving the children without parents (my husband was actually seriously at this time so this may have fuelled it too).

As Jo suggestes, ther is a section on thoughts lower down on the main board - I'm sure you will be able to identify with some of what is said there and it might heko to know you are not alone in how you are feeling.

Love and hugs, Hopefulx

[krate]

thank you so much for your kind words. I shall have a look for the recomended section on thoughts. thank you x

[Weeble]

How are you doing? Are you still struggling?

Kat