butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Dec 8, 2016 15:40:25 GMT
Hating my head today. I am going to moan.
Its not fair. That i hate crowds. This means i cant do music concerts or see a musical. I cant take my kids to the school fayre without having a panic attack let alone enjoy it with them and they dont enjoy it because they can see how poorly it makes me.
I hate wednesdays. Its such a manic day.
I hate being stuck at home when my anxiety is high i want to go out but cant face it. I will make every excuse going not to go out.
I know what i need. I need a friend or relative to take me out. Distract me and cheer me up. But no one is around.
I feel like a need a boost, a break a pick me up. Someone to spoil me.
I also hate my period.
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Post by monica on Dec 8, 2016 18:04:53 GMT
Sounds like a crappy day for you.
Can u visit someone this evening?
Re kids stuff and claustrophobia could you ask teacher? Maybe they could let you sit in the wings alone where it's quieter?
Remember tomoz is another day x
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Post by monica on Jan 1, 2017 14:47:46 GMT
Happy New Year BF! Hope it's been a good Dec and 2017 will be a fantastic yeT for youx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Feb 15, 2017 10:43:41 GMT
Hello x
I am checking in for a quick update and a rant.
My mood has been stableish but certainly with some ups and downs. Certainly always being reminded that i am always going to have with this butt hole of an illn3ss.
My son j, well this is good. He did a workshop at school for drama organised by a drama school who were head hunting talented children. Next thing we know he has been offered a full scholarship to a drama school. Next thing i know the drama school want him to be in a professional production. (Dont want to disclose it as for reasons people may beable to track us through here) not you monica though.. i would tell you. I just feel parsnoid. The production is my favorate muscial of all time. And we are over whelmed that a company is putting so much into j for free. What is a pain in the butt is that i have to take him here there and everywhere for rehersals and performances and its unsettling me and the kids. I have to do it though.
He is doing the first show this afternoon and another this evening.
I am nervous for him but he is as cool as a cucumber and taking it all in his stride. His confindence is blooming.
H is somewhat jealous and being really naughty.
Atm i feel like shit really stressed out and tbh a bit ill like borderline crisis. All the adreniline i am finding it hard to take. I feel exhausted.
Well as you know i work a few hours a week doing nails. Its called permitted work as i recieve another employment beneifit. I had a letter from them saying they were going to review it and i had to fill in another form. Of course you need supporting evidemce to proof you are not talking ball.
I contacted the mental health team on 22nd jan to get me a letter. No one has and i have chased them evry week It is now too late. So i without doubt will get rejected for this top up money.
I called them today and spoke to my drs secutary.
If i am rejected .. await the massive crisis.
Its all too much for me to take right now
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Feb 16, 2017 9:25:48 GMT
Amazing opportunity for your son! You must be so proud but very stressful with all the logistics and worryiNg about work too. That's a lot for anyone to juggle. Have you had any reply yet? Try not to think too far ahead and take things a moment at a time.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Feb 16, 2017 10:29:42 GMT
Its crazy at the moment and the quote. " i hate being bipolar its awesome" rings true.
I feel like magic fairy dust has been sprinkled onto j. He didnt understand what a massive performance he was in. After i spoke to him after his first performance he was utterly flabbagasted. He said the music was amazing, loud and incredible. The audience gave them a standing ovasion and he felt like a superstar. I am scared that soon his scholarship will end i i will have to face disciding whether to find the huge money for the school every month or stopping him going . But right now we are embracing the moment. I am shocked but not shocked at how the adrenelin has effected me. Youd think it would make me happy. It has. Beyond imagination. But sparked paranoia and over thinking. It has exhausted me. Exhausted my brain. I am these days very forgetful and i feel drained trying to focus on times and dates. Thankfully the older 2 are staying with thier dad tonight and i can breathe a bit. He is taken j to the performace tonight and collecting. My partner was very concerned about me and has taken the day off of work as he wanted to make sure i didnt go into a full blown crisis. I felt i actually slept properly last night.
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Post by monica on Feb 16, 2017 20:18:05 GMT
Wow Js success is amazing - I can see you're so proud and so you should be. Are details in FB - I'll check it out there. Maybe given financial constraints they could reduce the fees?
I'm sure the bipolar can make life hard at times. Maybe the excitement has triggered this 'high'. It's great C took the day off to look after you. How are things between you guys?
Hope things stabilise for you and you feel calmer. Enjoy the sun my lovelyx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Feb 23, 2017 13:53:11 GMT
Hello Todaay is not so great I am suffering real bad with stiffness in all my joint in the morning. My mood is low My shrink is useless and i need more support.
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Post by monica on Feb 23, 2017 16:19:28 GMT
Big hugs BF. How long have you been like this? Maybe it's worth a trip to Drs? Meds tweaking? And tell them you need support .
What's triggered thisx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Mar 8, 2017 17:52:58 GMT
Hi. Today has been poo in fact the whole week has. C's parents had a huge barny and now are seperating. His dad is in bits and c and his brother and sister are worried about his mental health. He is severly diabetic with other health problems, drinks to excess and neglects his health problems at the best of times. C is stressed out. He is being ok but hardly seeing him. S has had a tummy bug meaning no one is getting much sleep. H is really struggling at school and the teacher thinks she needs assessing for dyspraxia and dsylexia although the SENCO says that she wont assess her for another year - i am being fobbed off. So today took j to school, dropped s at c's sisters while i took s to the hospital for a kidney scan (she had 2 bad UTI's over the summer) scans all fine. Drop her back at School... go to c's sis house to get s. Have a quick cuppa and talk about her parents and whats going on. Come home. Go to the loo, s somehow breaks through stair gate and climbs upstairs. I puck her up go down stairs holding her. My bad ankle goes on me i tumble down and quickly grab the bannister/post at bottom of stairs to move my weight from fall obto my right arm saving s from being crushed. S is fine. My arm is swollen and bruised. Phoned c in a panic. He comes home. Takes me to a and e. Confirms no broken bones. Get hone. Now mentally and ohysically exhausted with sore arm. I will get over it. It has got better since taking pain killers. I am worrying about money. I kniw its a matter of time before my esa and dla gets stopped
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Mar 8, 2017 17:56:50 GMT
They have now said that people with a lot of mebtal health issues arent entitled to it any more. And i have sent the reassessment form in. We will see. If i am not entitled as a family we will be a lot worse off and basically have to cut back on food. Its so wrong c works his arse off now doing 50 hours a week and doesnt bring in half of the money that we need to pay the bills let alone eat.
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Post by monica on Mar 9, 2017 13:14:15 GMT
Omg BF! What a week full of stresses. Glad there aren't any broken bones and hopefully it's a simple matter of time and you'll be fully mobile.
Tbh I'm not surprised you're feeling rubbish . You've got lots of worries. Maybe focus on one thing at a time and prioritise . Perhaps tackle the school? Citizens advice bureau might help re your rights re assessment? Or even call the local educational authority ?
I guess there's not much you can do re in laws. What's triggered the argument ? It sounds as if Cs dad has lots of issues which no doubt are worrying. Do make sorting yourself out a priority though - if you feel good you can help others but get yourself to that place first x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 1, 2018 9:07:56 GMT
Wow it's been over a year since I have posted. I haven't been in hospital or under the crisis team for over a year. I am stable at the moment. And happy.although of course life has problems and worries etc. I feel better equipped. I haven't been able to get back into full time work. I still recieve was and its a life saver. Stress still triggers me so working a few hours in a comfortable enviroment at home with no one to answer to is ok. They changed my diagnosis again! Lol I am still under the cmht but dont regually see anyone.
So thrpughput.this experience these are the diagnosis I have recieved. Post natal depression Post natal depression with psychotic features Clinical depression Post traumatic stress disorder Bipolar disorder Mood disorder Psychotic tendencies Elements of emotionally unstable personality disorder Recurrant depression with psychotic features when stressed.
And guess what. I am still here still fighting :-)
When I had kids what ever the hell was wrong with me was made worse, aggravated. And eventually that hormonal and emotional changed settled and PNI does get better even if you have a underlying mental health problem. They are in my opinion harder to live with in the post natal period.
I hope to write more to conclude my journey as i have somehow managed to remeber how to sign in.
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Post by monica on Oct 1, 2018 15:22:17 GMT
So wonderful to hear from you BF! And that life is going well on the whole and has a calmer rhythm to it. I’m sure the older the children get the less of the physical stuff needs doing though the problems become different ! I think doing your own thing in terms of work is great for you - as a distraction and Just to boost your own confidence and self esteem.
How’s the family? Post whenever you can or want to. It’s really interesting to hear how life has evolved for you X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 2, 2018 1:16:03 GMT
Well you know the kids are good. J has been going through a few issues with bullying at school, but I guess just normal stuff. Keeping an eye on him though. He likes doing kick boxing now. Drama school he gave up but did do an awesome role in his school play with a romantic solo! I literally collapsed with pride! H is so social and active. A keen cub, doing dancing and is even starting kick boxing too! In her spare time is constantly playing with friends and riding her bike. S started school!!! How did that happen?! She's so happy at school shes amazingly confident with a great imagination. Me and c are still together, he is far from perfect but he loves me and I love him. I accept whats not perfect and embrace the things that are.
How about you Monica? How old are your kids now? What have you been up too? Wheres that weeble lol!?!
I am looking after a dog atm! It's so lovely walking is such a good thing to do for the mind and body. He is a mad dog so he fits in well!!!
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