butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 19, 2020 10:16:51 GMT
Shortly after writing that post i took q small overdose of quetiapine. Not enough to do damage or need to go to hospital. Just enough to numb me.
I was going to take more. I had had enough. But just as i was about to a counsellor rherpist contacted me as i had shown an intredt to an advert online for pricate therpay. I couldnt help but cry and ball everything out. I have no idea who she was. But she listened. Spoke. And gave me some hope that i can grt better. She, that stranger on the phone. She saved me from commiting suicide.
I got a couple of hours sleep and managed to care for the kids. Qlthough mentally i am was suffering madsively
This morning i have all the kids. I have them all weekend. I have no food in. I need to go shopping but cant face it woth them all in tow. My mums feeling really unwell so cant help. I just forced myself to shower. And i am shaking woth anxiety. I dont know how to take the first step in starting the day.
Its impossible but one step at a time is all i can do.
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 19, 2020 16:22:00 GMT
So today j and h agrued really badly. But they are now fairly quiet and entertaining themselves.
C is visiting f and s has seen his van outside. A delivery man came to the door and she got all excited thinking it was her daddy. I messaged him because i feel so sorry for s and said he can visit her but he hasnt seen or responded to the message. .
I have been out today with j took him to the barbers and bought really easy dinner for tea.
Its really tough. J was really upset early crying that he misses g. I callrd g on the phone and put him on loud speaker, he joked with him and cheered him up.
I am very bitter and amgry at the world. Atm i wish i could make peace. With everyone. And not care whats said or done behind my back.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 20, 2020 2:37:55 GMT
Life is really tough for you at the minute. There are so many sources of stress and it sounds like you don’t have access to support when you need it. But your goal of finding peace and acceptance is a solid one.
I’m worried about you taking the overdoses - from what you say it sounds like it’s about finding relief from the pain more than harming yourself. Is that right? Though though overwhelming fears can be so hard to bear when you’re in the thick of it. If it starts getting too much could you call the Samaritans ? It sounds like the therapist who called you really helped bring you back from that really low point. Maybe accessing some support when you hit that crisis point is what you need?
Are there things that help you when you get really anxious? X
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 21, 2020 18:48:02 GMT
So i had a hard weekend. Thoughts racing, emotions overwhelming. Kids very challenging. I ended up rowing over text with c. Then he told me some home truths face to face. Then i lost it, in a silent hurricane of overwhelming negative energy. Before i knew what was happening i was driving to beachy head and was nearly there. I convinced myself that everyone would be better off if i was dead. But i wasnt convinced about g, i thought maybe he wouldnt be. So i called him on thd loud speaker. Thankfully he convinced me to turn around and go back to his. My mum was at my house when i left so i didnt put my kids in danger. I need a rest. I need help. I need support. I am staying with g. I feel up and down. Anxious adgitated angry at myself. The keyworkers have obviously been in contact as the exs phone SPOA and ranted aboiyt how they wont be returning the children. The keyworker and her manager have been supported and said there is no safeguarding issue. I kept the kids safe in my darkest moment. C mum tried to call me. I dont kniw why. The keyworker asked would i feel comfortable with f collecting s from school!? I was silent. I couldnt even comprehend it. The thiught makes me physically sick. Everything f**ked up. I have no plans. Its chaos.my mind is chaos.
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 22, 2020 7:58:38 GMT
I went home briefly to so my best friendsbnaiks. She picked me up from g outside f hpuse was c car. Hebstayed at her house with s. I asked and got anvery shitty message demanding i give him money. I feel so ill i thibk i may needbhospital. I dont want to but if my family and loved ones werent here stopping me from doing crqzy shit i dont knownwhat i will do
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 22, 2020 9:42:52 GMT
Hi bf
Please go to A&E - you’re really struggling . You’ve taken overdoses, was driving to Beachy head and your thoughts are racing , anxiety through roof . Go to a and e - let them assess you. You need to think about yourself and this just be a priority . There are others to look after the kids. You will be ok! You’re one tough cookie but now it’s critical and you need emergency help . Big hugs xxx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 22, 2020 19:46:16 GMT
Hi
How are you BF? How has the day been? How are you feeling? Sending you lots of virtual hugs - stay strong.
Monica
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 22, 2020 19:59:57 GMT
Hi Today has been a f**king tough pne but certainly productive.
I woke up crying thinking that s slept at c's new girlfriends house with him. I sort of had to rationalise she isnt an axe murderer and s would be safe there.
Addy my keyworker told me to make a plan for the new 2 weeks about contact i want to have woth the children.
I did this, a few hour visits here and there and video calls.
Addy then arranged an urgent meeting with the dads, myself, mum, g and step mum which happened this afternoon. It was the most tense meeting i have ever qttended in my life. My parents are away for a few days so i approached the subject of g staying at my house when the kids are not here. I proposed a plan that meant the children would wither be at school or at home when he was here. And therefore posed no risk. I argued my point well. And eventually they argeed!! They also agreed woth all the plan i suggested. I basically got everything i wanted. Got my points across despite being highly anxious and physically shakjng. I feel better kbowing there is a plan.
I am mentally exhausted and have diarrhoea from stress! Sleeping in my bed tonight.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 22, 2020 20:32:37 GMT
You really are quite amazing BF - to do all of that when feeling so rubbish is quite an achievement! I hope you sleep better today and feel settled tomorrow. Onwards and upwards x
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Sept 28, 2020 10:43:16 GMT
Hi So life has been like a storm at sea over the last month. Finally i am getting some calmer weathers. The waves are slowing down and i am stabilising my ship. Having a break from yhe responsibilty of kids has helped. Having the chance having the chance to sleep in my own bed has helped things.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 28, 2020 18:05:57 GMT
Great to hear that things are calmer and you're getting some respite from it all. Often it's extremely useful to know what grounds you when things get very difficult. I read that it's not a bad idea to get a sort of tool kit ready for times of crisis - easily accessible stuff that helps you deescalate. It might consist of fabrics that feel soft and comforting, essential oils, colouring books - whatever is good for you. Maybe somethingn to think about.
Monica
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 7, 2020 10:45:23 GMT
How are you? X
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Jun 20, 2022 22:47:15 GMT
Hi So I haven't written in my diary for a long time. I wish I could say its because I have been having an easy calm time. But no, that would be a lie. But was has happend is I have found a strength within myself that I didn't know was within me. I have reached the age of 40. What a ride!
So c and f split up after a few months. She thankfully moved away. Left the school and I haven't seen or spoken to her for at least 8 months.
I am free from c, I have no feelings of love towards him, if anything I feel sorry for him as he is a cold person who can't love people. I rarely think of him and the thought of him in a romantic or jealous or possessive way is non existent. I am at peace with him.
I was in a relationship with g.he turned out to be an alcoholic. Worse than v ever was. Drinking bottles of vodka on a daily basis in secret. I banned him from coming here drunk and in the end he hardly ever came over so the relationship died and I finished it after finding yet again he'd been getting high and going on male hook up sites. I don't know if he cheated physically but it was enough. I don't actually care either, I did an sti test. All clear thank god. He is often still ringing and messaging me I have blocked him on everything. I don't want to see or talk to him again. Because he held me back for too long. He did have a good side. But it's leaving him slowly because he is killing his brain with drink. I can't help him. He will only drag me down with him. He used me, he still would if I let him. He's drunken side was not nice. He was totally socially embarrassing, swearing opinionated, rude, obnoxious, argumentative, aggressive. I could go on. So I ended it.
I am worthy of love I am worthy of respect.
And i started to believe that. I started to change my energy and energies around me shifted.
I see more sunshine and kindness. I see hope and dreams and I feel happy. I feel free.
I have completed a steps program for EUPD and currently doing stairways which is an advanced version. I have had to work hard on myself. So f**king hard. And I am pleased I did. I have to continue to work hard and practice the skills I learnt every day and when I slip up, recognise it and pull myself back onto the program.
I recently have met someone and I am falling in love with them. They are on the credentials side 100% perfect. I won't go on about how wonderful he is. Because I can't even put it into words. I write this diary ultimately for myself, and I know with every atom of my body that the energy is beautiful and things feel right. Things are going to be ok. I have got this. All I will say is he is a good man. Not in a lustful way that I have thought other men have been in the past but in the way that the real men are in my life. Reliable, hardworking, kind, thoughtful. He's up thier with my dad, brother, grandad uncle etc
On a person level I have completed nvq training to be a peer mentor. I am doing another course too. I have an interview on Wednesday with the crisis team as a peer support worker.
I don't particularly believe in God and Jesus. Maybe I do a bit, but what I know is true is energy and auras. I had bad things happen to me and the people around me. But things have changed, the energies have shifted. Negative things have led me to a different path which was the place where I was meant to go.
Bf
|
|
|
Post by monica on Jun 25, 2022 22:31:47 GMT
Hey BF
Great to hear from you. It’s really wonderful to hear you’re doing so well and that you’ve found your comfortable place where you feel good in your own skin and have grown in confidence. You’re doing such wonderful things for you and will make a top suppirt worker. Keep me in the loop on how you’re doing on your course. You’ve got so much to offer.
Your new love sounds brilliant and just perfect for you. I’m sorry about your ex’s drinking - it’s toxic. The father of my kids is an alcoholic so I get completely how hard that is. I’m glad C is s out of your life too.
I will write more - life is just crazy for me atm hence the delayed reply but I did read your post a few days ago .
Monica
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Jul 27, 2022 19:22:29 GMT
Thankyou Monica
I went to the interview, the first one I have had for about 20 years! My feedback from the panel was that I 'absolutely smashed it' ticking every box and came across as outstanding in interview skills!!! They commented on how when describing my personal experience of mental illness it was so 'real' and they think I would really for in with thier team.
Can you believe that? So long many times I have fallen to pieces on here crying and clutching to reality. And I am coming through, I am controlling it. I will wobble. But I won't fall down!
My new boyfriend is so very special. He's so kind to me. He ticks every single box. Non drinker, sensible, works hard, good job, a good father figure (widowed), calm, strong, he's a dad of teenagers so understands a lot of the stuff I have going on with h.
H is being tested for ADHD. She's under the care of CAMHS. She doesn't live here anymore. Our relationship has fallen apart. I trigger her and she triggers me. We both accept that. She knows I love her. And I the time we spend together now is all about quality time. I wish our relationship could improve. But she's alive, she's happy, she's well cared for, she knows I love her and I know she loves me, she is beautiful and strong. I am Proud of her.
I keep meaning to print out all the pages on here and write some kind of autobiography about my journey of PNI and mental illness. If by sharing stories and offering support to one another helps someone, it's changing the negative into a positive and I am all about that.
Bf
|
|