butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 24, 2010 16:33:13 GMT
I feel totally f**king awlful and just wish I hadn't woke up this morning. My 2 year old Was a really good boy at the party. My baby screamed and screamed and it really got to me I couldn't stop her crying and felt like everyone was judging me. I wish I hadn't been invited to the party. I just want to die right now - I am a terrible person for not being able to enjoy my baby, I am f**king useless as a mother. I was unable to talk to my friend. I feel like a misfit. Sorry to go on and on but I need to let these feelings out. My OH is downstairs and wants me to go down and as usual pretnd I am fine.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 24, 2010 18:25:42 GMT
I am so low, the lowest I think I've been I feel no one in the world wants my baby to be here. But I do, earlier I thought everyone was thinking that they just wanted her to shut up. One of my old friends probably can't my babies make her christening and she's her godmother. If she can't do it I'll ask my mum. I have the first introduction session for my counselling session knowing my luck my baby will scream the whole time, actually I kknow she will. What is the point just thinking of going is makinng me feel ill. Why does no one want to help me? Or rather no one cares if I get better or not. Why did all my friends lie to me when she was ill and made out they cared about her no one even looks at her, and if they do its like she's a pain or something.
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Post by Victoria on Aug 24, 2010 18:56:06 GMT
Hun I dont know what to say to make you feel any better......I care what happens to you. I know I dont know you but you and me, and others on here, are all going through the same thing and it is an evil illness. I am sure your friends dont just want your baby to shut up, but you are at such a low point in your life right now that you feel very vulnerable and sensitive to everything around you. You should go to the counselling, they are experienced people and will know how you are feeling and that you are very anxious about it. Dont worry if your baby starts crying. If she does then so what, who cares what other ppl think. They wont mind and will be quite used to it. You will feel like nobody cares right now, I feel the same and that other ppl are just getting on with their lives around you whilst you feel so low and miserable. When your friends showed they cared when your baby was ill, they were probably genuinely concerned. RIght now they probably know that you are not yourself and dont want to say anything to upset you. I know sometimes at low points you would rather they say anything even if it is the wrong thing, rather than ignore you, but ppl think it is better to say nothing than put their foot in it. Ppl do care about you hun. xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 24, 2010 19:08:05 GMT
Thanks fsg, means so much that someone understands me.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 24, 2010 20:53:37 GMT
Hi Butterfly
When I read your posts today, i had two immediate reactions the first was you poor thing, I know exactly what this is like and the second was I feel so less mad and damaged because someone else is describing exactly what has happened to me. Your day above could have been one of my days.
Firstly, everyone absolutely everyone in the whole world wants your daughter to be here, put yourself in the shoes of the other women at the party, I can imagine that everyone there feels for you and has guilt about the fact that they are so grateful for their own children. They probably do not know what to day. Even if you feel like no one wants to help you, we do. I felt just as you describe, I remember one night late last autumn feeling that I could not bear to carry on and no one cared, even my three year old did not need me - I will tell you more on the other stream. In the end I decided I had to give my GP and HV visitor one more chance. Now I know that people care it just took time for me to express the depth of my despair and pain so that I got the help I need, I was to scared to reach for help. I implore you to reach for help, even if you think you can not, the crisis line may feel like it is no use but sometimes just talking to someone can help.
You talk about the flashbacks, I call them my memories because some are they vary in intensity between the experience of not being sure if I am absolutely back there and being completely disconnected from the now to just unwanted intrusion in my thinking. They now go right they way back to being a very young child. Just know you are not the only one.
I have spent a long time understanding them with my psychologist and various psychiatrists and I have learned the following things:
1. That the trauma of T 's birth and illness at 10 days old was the final straw for my tired brai. I suspect the horror of your little girls illness and how long it took for her to recover where too much for you in the same way 2. That all these things that bother me are caused by my inability to deal with the emotions at the time for all sorts of reasons I was too young, or what happened was to difficult to handle emotionally etc etc. I am having to work through them one by one but the counselling works they are slowly disconnecting. will explain more later.I would be lying if I said it was easy it is not but it does work. 3. That they are much worse on days and times when I am more depressed and keeping my anxiety levels down reduces the frequency. I have found that by managing my stress and anxiety it does make it easier.
What FSG says above is so true, most people have no idea what to say to you so they dont say anything. My Mum tells stories that people used to cross the road to avoid her after my sisters died because they did not know what to say.
So finally, we care and we are here for you. So here is one of my positive lists for you.
1; You made it to Tescos yesterday, a feat I am yet to achieve after a whole year - made sainsburys but not Tescos.
2; You are talking and asking for help and people are here to help you; please if you get desperate ask for help from your GP or the local crisis line - you deserve it
3; You are not the only one who is experiencing this, some of us have been through this and recovered and others are still going through it but know you are not alone
4. You are a great mum, a F***** C**** mum would not write what you write, you are strong and capable and have had a awful time.
Kat
I remember my first session with my psychologist, T was just under four months old, he screamed, fed and pooed through the meeting and my therapist just took in in her stride, in fact she supported me through dealing with those things, the first person to actively say to me in four months, that were positive about my mothering.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 24, 2010 20:55:22 GMT
seem to have got it in the wrong order again sorry
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Post by Victoria on Aug 25, 2010 10:40:46 GMT
Good morning, how are you today hun? xxx
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Post by juppster on Aug 25, 2010 12:24:45 GMT
Hey sweets Just catching up on here today. Im so sorry you have had a few shitty days, all i can say is it will get better eventually. All the thoughts and feelings you have written down resonate with me so much, just know you are not alone and this thing will go away eventually. Sorry for being annoying but how long have you been on your meds for now? Are you due a review at all? I can understand you are anxious about the counselling session but as Kat says, they are used to seeing mothers with young babies so please please go along, I really believe that a mixture of counselling and medication is the best way forward. Let us know how you are doing today xx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 25, 2010 13:27:20 GMT
Hi everyone, Today has been difficult, but I have so far survived. I found the counselling incredably hard. There were many many issues that I need to talk about and it seems that 50 minutes is too shorter time. I think I could sit and talk to a counsellor for a year and still never get to the bottom of my depression. But I am going to try to be positive, two things which I need to hold onto 1, counselling works when the person allows it too 2, I think although I didn't discuss it with her that maybe a reason why I have reacted to th crisis like I have done is I have had previous experience with loosing a child, be it too young to register a birth, my soul lost a baby. Maybe this crisis has brought up an emotion that was tucked away and hidden. But disturbing it has caused my emotions and brain to shut down in a way.
I seem to get distracted in my counselling and waffle on about other things that although they piss me off aren;t the reason why I am sat there like, lack of money, a tennant that doesn't pay his rent on time etc etc. I di dbreak down in the session and cry when i spoke about the ambulance journey, but i dont feel healed - does that many any sense.
Juppster i have been on meds for about 3 weeks, slowly it is being increased. tonight i start on the higher dose and that dose i should stay on.
I have not put the tv on all day so far. And i do feel brave enough to tackle asda or tesco with my hubby later.
Next time i go to counselling my mum can look after both kids. which might make it easier to focus on whats going on.
I have to go my 2 yr old has pooed!! I may write more later. and later will try and get time ot read everyone elses diaries.
x
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Post by Victoria on Aug 26, 2010 8:37:51 GMT
Morning butterfly, just a quick post just wanted to say I hope you are ok, and that today is an ok day for you. Take care. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 26, 2010 14:01:26 GMT
Hi BF
I agree it is so hard, but out of it you find the gems that heal your soul. it is just crushingly difficult while you do it. What happened with the little child you lost. I had an ectopic at 9 weeks and for me it was the loss of the future I had created for me and my eldest son with the new baby coming, but I can imagine if I lost O now it would be totally different. It is so surprising how something finally tips you, it certainly did with me.
Hope today is going ok
Kat
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 26, 2010 18:54:05 GMT
I have had a nice day today. No tears! I am quite pleased with myself. I made fruit buns with my son it felt like the best thing in the world to do something like that. This afternoon me and hubby went into town and put our son into a creche for a couple hours which was nice for him and us. I hope tomorrow is as nice as today
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Post by Victoria on Aug 26, 2010 19:06:09 GMT
You sound so positive today well done. I bet your son loved baking with you, i think i should make the effort to do something similar with my kids but motivation isnt there at the moment when in the house. I am glad you had some time with your hubby, is he making an effort to try and understand what you are going through now? I bet your son enjoyed going into a creche too for a change of scenery. I hope your evening stays as positive and that it continues into tomorrow for you. xxx
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Post by monica on Aug 26, 2010 19:56:51 GMT
hello
I was just catching up on your diary and it really struck a chord with me as much of what you've written reminded me of what I went through when I striuggled with pni. The confusion of all the different emotions - it's so draining like being on a rollercoaster.
So pleased you had a good day today - hang onto these days when you're having not so good ones as there will be more round the corner.
Love
Monica
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 26, 2010 21:27:28 GMT
Hi girls Monica you r so right a rollercoaster is just what I'm on!
Fsg, I know what you mean about not having motivation, try to remeber the good days will come and on those days you might suprise yourself like I did today.
My HV suggested me and my hubby do something together without the kids I am really goinbg to try and thunk trouble is my parents are on holiday, and I haent got anyone else to ask to babysit.
Also trying to think of stuff I could do on my own, but am a bit blank when I think.
take care my friends xx
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