Jess's Journey

[jessibella]

Don't know where to start....

My name is Jess and I have post natal depression.

Some background...I have a 20 week old beautiful baby girl. I'll call her flower for the sake of anonimity. My labour was a long one, 36 hours to be precise. Unfortunately mistakes were made and I ended up having an emergency c section. Despite this I didn't feel it was traumatic I was just glad to have my little flower safe and sound. After the birth I was on a complete high. Couldn't stop staring at flower and felt so happy. The next night was harder Flower cried all night and I struggled to breastfeed. Luckily my husband, let's call him Mr, was a great support and we left the hospital the next day a happy little unit.

What happened next was a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Sometimes I was crying feeling unable to cope others laughing and loving motherhood. I struggled and struggled to breastfeed but after six weeks gave up. Perhaps this will help my moods I thought. No such luck. I went back and forth to the Dr each time saying I would
wait and see how I felt. Eventually I admitted I wasn't coping and got
some anti-depressants. Finally I would get better....sadly not. The antidepressants made me feel sick and upset my tummy. I went to stay at my parents so they could help. Mr came round every night to be with us. Then the darkness hit. I'd never felt anything like it. Bleak hopelessness when I woke in the morning. I couldn't bear to hold Flower. I spoke to Dr who said it was side effects and would pass. I managed 5 days but couldn't stand the black feelings mixed with anxiety. I stopped taking the pills. Perhaps it wasn't so bad before, I thought, anything must be better than those side effects. We moved back home and I tried to go it alone but the mornings stayed black. So back to the drs, this time a different SSRI was offered at a very low dose. So I bravely took the first pill and day by day things improved. I upped the dose and things seemed normal again. I had a good week, I was fixed...again sadly this was not to be the case.

Three weeks into the new pills something odd happened. One day I started feeling weird just a bit off somehow. The next morning I woke feeling nauseous and the next day and the following day I was sick. The blackness came back. The Dr suggested I stopped the pills as they seemed to be disagreeing with me and no I was not pregnant. So back to mum and dads I went, determined to go it drug free. The Dr referred me to a psychiatrist at my request. She wrote another prescription this time for Mirtazapine. I handed it to mum and swore I would not use it. I was also referred for CBT which I started quickly. However the darkness continued and I decided to try the Mirtazapine.

Fast forward a few weeks and a dose increase and you have me now.
Flower is now 20 weeks old. She is scrummy and smiley and sweet but I feel robbed of the joys of motherhood. My moods are all over the place. Before Xmas I felt I was getting somewhere but it all crashed down on me over Xmas. I just started crying and have not stopped much since. I tell myself this is a blip but the darkness tells me something else. It says I will never get better and that I was stupid to think I might. It tells me I am not cut out for motherhood and that no one can help me.

Mr is amazing but I think he must miss his wife, the one he married not the wreck I have become. I'm hoping this journal will track my recovery but I fear the worst. Here goes nothing!

[jessibella]

Today...

I slept in this morning as didn't sleep well. Mr took Flower down and looked after her till I finally emerged dozy and low but manageable. I managed to do a few bits of tidying and cared for Flower as best I could in between checking the message boards. My mood seemed to lift a bit and we were all set to spend NYE at a friend's. Then I was sitting feeding Flower and a horrible feeling took hold. I started crying and we cancelled seeing our friends. I really don't know what's come over me I just feel so low and awful, usually the evenings are my best time. I really fear that the meds are just not working and I feel I will never be back to normal. How an earth can I go back to work in May when I can't even get off the sofa. I feel really hopeless right now. I also can't speak to psychiatrist until she is back at work. I'm really scared about how low I feel. I have told Mr and mum and we have agreed I just need to stick it out until I can get advice from psychiatrist. It's just so frustrating as I was feeling I was making progress before Xmas.

Trying to figure out what has caused this setback. I've just finished my first period since having Flower so don't know if that's to blame. Also had a cold but none of these seem to explain why I feel so rubbish right now.

Oh well tomorrow is another day and a new year. Please let things get better.

[monica]

Hi

Hope u don't mind me writing in your diary.

I'm sorry you're not feeling good ATM.

The blackness as u describe is horrible. I'm not a medical expert but based on my own experience and that of there's te recovery process with pni is a rollercoaster ride. I heard a medical expert say that these ups and downs are often what distinguish post natal illness from depression.

I myself found that after an initial period of feeling worse, with Meds I started to improve quite quickly enjoying life gain. Then bang an argument set me plummeting in the most horrendous blip. After that my recovery was good periods, then blips. If I could draw a graph of my recovery it wuld generally be an upward , steady line with dips, some worse than others, but over time they do become less intense, shorter in duration, and less frequent.

As for triggers, often they can be Xmas, new year, baby birthday, pmt which is v common .

Sorry to waffle on but just trying to say don't despair if u feel rubbish ATM. It desnt mean you will be like this forever.

Saying that don't want to dismiss these down periods as they are horrible. Defo worth discussing how ur doing on Meds fr professional advice.

Also managing blips can help. Eg if u can ( and this an be v hard if not imposs sometimes) try doing some exercise. The endorphins can help hugely. Even f it's walk rund the block, a bit of fresh air and brisk walk can help.

My cpn recommended vitamin b and evening primrose supplements which can help even out dips.

Do nice things for yourself. Trip to cinema, massage - you deserve it!

Monica

[juppster]

Welcome to the diary section jess, I really hope you find it useful. Happy new year to you sweetheart x

[jessibella]

Thanks guys.

Well I was dreading getting up today as yesterday evening was so awful but actually this morning has not been too bad. I have done some tidying, taken the Xmas decs down and played with Flower. She is enjoying her new jumperoo. Mr went out and bought us coffee and croissants and we've been sorting out the lounge. Have to say that I do feel better if my surroundings aren't too messy.

Been thinking about work and decided I need to contact them to let them know I'm ill but that I fully intend to return in May. Hope they'll understand.

I hate the ups and downs of this illness. How is it I can feel OK even almost normal at times then s gibbering wreck an hour later. Am I bipolar or something? Will I ever have the normal without the dreaded darkness....

[juppster]

Yes you will, as Monica says the ups and downs of this illness are horrendously cruel. But eventually you'll start to find the better days become more frequent. From what you've described you don't sound like you're displaying bipolar symptoms, but I'm no expert and can only go by experience of friends with this illness. . .if its something you're concerned about then mention it to your gp but I'm pretty sure they would have picked up on it before now x

[jessibella]

Well this afternoon/evening was less good. My mood dipped and has stayed low from around 16:00 onwards. No idea why and finding it very odd that my evenings which were always my good time now seem to be turning bad! I can't keep up with this illness and the changing goalposts.

So what am I feeling right now.. Low, worried, confused etc. I keep thinking that I'm not getting anywhere. I just don't seem any better this last week than when it all started. I keep trying to figure out what changed but drawing a blank, oh well hopefully my psychiatrist might have an idea because 4 months have passed now and I'm still not well.

Anyway on to other matters. Flower is sleeping in her own room tonight. Not sure if this is utter madness on our part or a stroke of genius. She still wakes for a feed in the night you see so I guess we're wondering if this might help her sleep through. Only issue is it wasn't to bad feeding her in our own room at 3 am but doubt it'll be much fun traipsing down the hall to feed her. Will see how it goes.

Tomorrow is another day as they say!

[Weeble]

Hi

I know exactly how you feel about the night feed. I used to find them exhausting and struggled to sleep after them with the pni. Furthermore, my mood was and still is all over the place, it's a particular feature of pni. I know it's not what you want to hear but it takes time to recover from this cruel illness. I can say this to you because I am still in recovery after three years and I know exactly how frustrating it is.

Keep writing here is great to hear how you are doing

Kat

[jessibella]

Thanks Kat.

You say your mood us still all over the place after 3 years. Us it as bad as in the first year? Can you work and stuff? I'm just very frightened about not being able to return to work in May.

[jessibella]

Well today has been a low one. When I am feeling low I feel so lethargic with no energy or desire to do anything. I just sit around thinking awful thoughts about how I'm never going to recover and even if I do it'll just cone back. At times like this I just want to escape the awful black thoughts. I also spend a lot of time trying to figure things out. I search and search for evidence about whether I will get better and whether I am a lost cause. I don't know why I do it to myself. Today I trawled through the diaries on here looking for an answer to when I will get better. The only thing it did was make me feel I will never recover as not many people put down they were better.

I wish my mind had an off switch. When I'm feeling less low I can control the thoughts better. Perhaps writing down my scary thoughts will help. I know they are fears not facts.

1. I won't get better I won't make a full recovery
2. If I do feel better it won't last
3. Anti depressants don't work on me (I have tried 3 so far without much luck)
4. I will never be a normal happy mother
5. I am depressed because I am weak and can't cope with change
6. I will never get the old Jess back
7. There is something wrong with me other than PND
8. Flower will grow up with a depressed mother who can't cope and will also be depressed
9. I won't be able to go back to work in May
10. I am untreatable

Eek what a lot of nasty thoughts! No wonder I feel bad with these whirling around my head.

Anyway back to today. I managed to get through the day despite feeling low. I spoke to my psychiatrist who said we would try upping my dose, would have liked to speak with her longer but she sounded busy. she did say that ups and downs were normal but my concern is I am no better now than I was 4 months back!

My friend came by in the afternoon and that distracted me a bit. I just hate the fact I have so little pleasure in things at the moment. I feel robbed of this special time in Flower's life and scared that she is missing out by having a crap mother. Luckily Mr is amazing with her. I hear him making her giggle and see how much he loves being a dad. I am the faulty link, the missing jigsaw piece. Why why why do I have to suffer with this. It's not fair!

[juppster]

No, it isn't fair, it's bloody horrendous but what you will be when you come out the other side is stronger, more empathetic and you will appreciate flower so much more. I too tried three or four different ads before I found the right one and correct dosage for me and this along with intense cbt, lots of support and time eventually started to pay off. I too had all the thoughts that you have listed and they are completely valid thoughts for someone who is in the midst of pni. . .most of the women on here will have thought them at one stage or another and most of the women on here are proof that they don't come true.
With regards to reading other people's diaries what you have to remember is they are writing these when they are at their worst and as they start to recover they either start to drift away as they no longer need to write or they write in the recovery section. I used to do exactly the same as you with trawling the Internet and believing I was untreatable but I wasn't and if, every time you think of going on the Internet you can find something to distract you such as going for a walk, having a bath or picking up a book to read instead, this may prevent you from looking.
I know this is so hard for you right now but try and keep the faith that things will get better in time. Keep talking x

[jessibella]

Thanks Juppster. It seems that for every 100 times I hear of people getting better it only takes 1 bad thing (I.e reading on the NHS website that MOST people will recover) to send me on a negative thinking spiral...what if I am not MOST people.

So today... Every Thursday Mr looks after Flower for the day so I can have a break (see how lucky I am). I got up late feeling really lethargic and low (really feel I could sleep 24hrs at the moment) and immediately started worrying about why I am still feeling rubbish, if this was a blip why has it lasted almost 2 weeks! Again I got all knotted up thinking i'm not recovering and that nothing can help me. I did manage to do a few constructive things. I returned a coat and bought some new bedsheets for the king size bed we have ordered now we have our room back. Have to say wandering around Tesco was hard work. Everything just seemed to bright and noisy and I did worry a few times that I might panic but I coped. I'm glad I got out the house I suppose. I also e-mailed my manager to see what will happen if I'm not well by May. She sent a lovely reply saying I'd probably be better by then but if not there are options. I really want and need to be feeling better by then. I can't stand this much longer.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the "Old Jess" like she's a different person to me. I think how did the old Jess feel about shopping etc. I also find myself watching other mums with their children and feeling I will never cope like they do. I imagine loads of scenarios that I think I'll never manage such a shopping with a 2 year old. It's so awful that I can't believe I will ever enjoy being a mum. I can't imagine loving Flower in the way she deserves. I do love her in my own way but she still seems like a scary being to me. I can't help wishing at times I hadn't had her for both our sakes. Perhaps I'm scared of growing up and being an adult.

I have such admiration for those mums coping with lots of children. Mr and I are pretty certain that Flower will be our only child. I CANNOT go through this again, that's if I ever get better to begin with.

Is there anyone whose whole life is ruined by PND? I just feel I'll never be the same again.

[carolinezoe]

Hi I hope you don't mind me posting.

I just wanted to reassure you that you will be the same again, I remember feeling that I would never be the same again but my son in now 3 and I am in recovery. I won't lie it took me a long time to recover and it took three types of anti depressants before I found the right one and I also take an anti psychotic as I had a psychotic episode. I used to look at other mums and think why can't I be like them and worry that I was a bad mum but everyone told me I was and a couple of months ago I had a massive breakthrough when one day I realised I felt like a good mum and it was amazing and you will feel like this. In relation to work I now work 4 days a week and you can take sick leave once your maternity leave ends as I did and then I had a phased return until I felt well enough I was very lucky as my employer was very supportive. What I have learnt is that I am much stronger than I thought and I will and can get through anything. Keep going back to your gp and tell them you are not feeling better. If you want to message me please feel free I am happy to share my experience x it really will get better x

[jessibella]

Thanks for your reply. It really helps to know others have felt like me and recovered. Do you mind me asking which antidepressants you tried and when you started to feel better. I know we're all different and what works for you might not for me. I just wonder if anyone else had a hard time with ssri's like me. Xx

[Weeble]

Hi Carolinezoe

Great to see you back and hear you are doing so well.


Jessibella

Reading all your concerns I have all those too. Like carolinezoe I have to take an antipsychotic too. Mine was not because I had a diagnosed psychotic episode (although I am pretty sure I did) mine was because it's effective in treating, treatment resistant depression. I would be lying that it's taking time and I have had a number of relapses. But I am getting better. Two years ago I could not get out the house, sometimes down the stairs, I was incapable of looking after my three children on my own and I was to ill to work. I can do all those things now and you will too. Please believe that you can get better, one of the cruelest symptoms of this illness is it takes away hope. Please remember its a feature of pni to make us think that way.

Big hugs

Kat