|
Post by Weeble on Feb 2, 2013 21:40:08 GMT
Well done. Sounds like flower is doing great. Does your work have an occupational health service? Mine helped me back to work couldn't of done it without them!
Hope today ok
Kat
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 3, 2013 10:57:18 GMT
C2 M31
Saturday
Started a bit wobbly but turned out OK.
Mornings are still definitely my worst time. Woke up feeling a little low and thinking a lot about not being better yet etc. Felt the bad feelings were very present.
After a few hours things picked up. Tidied up the house in preparation for seeing our friends. It was really good to catch up with them. They hadn't met Flower till now and brought her a lovely little dress and cardigan from Zara. We ordered Chinese in the evening and I really enjoyed it.
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Feb 3, 2013 15:16:07 GMT
So jealous of your little girl, three little boys and no gorgeous dresses for me. The morning thing is tough isn't it. But its great to know you improve during the day.
Kat
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 3, 2013 23:20:10 GMT
C3 M32
Patience...
Had a lovely long chat with a pnd survivor today. She was such a brilliant inspiration and really encouraged me that I was doing OK. It made me realise I need to be a bit more patient about my progress. The reality is I am making some progress but I'm frustrated that my recovery isn't as quick as I'd like. She helped me see that I was getting on pretty well.
It's so hard to be patient with this illness. Especially as it seems to be two steps forward and one back! I just want to be recovered right now! The reality is I'm probably about 1/2 way there and that is good enough for now.
My friend found going back to work really helped her. I'm wondering more and more if it'd actually be good for me too. She also said she found it helpful to have a "get out" plan. That means that she went back to work but knew she could go home if she really needed to. This made her feel safer and actually meant she did not need to do it very often at all!
Today was a so-so day. Felt a bit grim this morning but all in all it was pretty manageable.
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Feb 4, 2013 21:57:49 GMT
My iPad is dying so will write more later hope today was ok
Kat
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 4, 2013 23:55:46 GMT
Hey Kat,
Thanks for your comments. You can borrow my little girl anytime you like!
C4 M33
Another wobbly day. Morning feeling a bit down and obsessing on my progress but afternoon was OK and evening was good.
Went to see my mummy friend. She has an older son around 2ish and is a full time mum. I couldn't help but wonder how she copes all day with a boisterous 2 year old and nothing else to focus on. She is happy though and I sometimes have to remind myself that I will get there too.
This depression certainly makes me see things in a gloomy light. I tend to imagine I won 't cope with things even though I pretty much always do cope!
Hoping my mood will lift a bit once my period stops. Haven't had an OK day for a while now. Though I have had plenty of OK moments so that's good at least.
Made Flower another weaning recipe. She has also started taking some finger foods such as a rice cake and a piece of bread. So cute to see her trying to figure out how to eat them. Will need to think about introducing lunch soon. For some reasoning that seems daunting as I'll need to be more organised. It might be easier just to giver her a jar or pouch at lunch just till she can manage some easier lunches. Will her nice when she just eats what I eat. Not sure when that starts?
Night x
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Feb 6, 2013 21:03:38 GMT
By the time they get to a year old you just feed them from your plate. Thanks for the sharing.
Was reading your diary and reflecting on my experience. When t was six months old. I was absolutely in a pit of despair. I was pregnant again, at times I couldn't get out the house, I had to see a cpn every other day, I had two bloody psychiatrists and a psychologist I had to see and I felt like you felt. I am not meaning to bleat on, more trying to show how I was to you. Now three years later, I am back at work on two boards, can look after my kids have travelled to south Africa, morocco and us. See my cpn every month and my psychiatrist once a year. You too can do it I promise.
Big hugs and hope today was ok
Kat
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 6, 2013 22:58:45 GMT
Wow Kat! You are truly an inspiration thanks for sharing. I live in hope that I too will reach the end or at least the beginning of the end of this horrible illness! It really really helps to hear of ladies such as yourself.
C5 M34
Well my wobbly days continue ( though the mornings are the worst) but I can see that compared to my Xmas dip I'm still doing better than I was.
Saw my CBT lady today. We agreed that if I felt I needed to take the venlafaxine I would wait to see her first so that I didn't rush into it and so that I had a plan in place to manage the side effects etc. I don't actually feel like I need to take it just yet as I feel confident that the wobbly days will pass. We discussed how far I felt I had come. I think when I first started this illness I was about 5% well. Now I can honestly say I feel about 50% well. Now that's a long way off recovered but it also shows I have come a long way too. Hopefully the improvements will continue and I will be able to see an overall improvement despite the dips. We also talked about my inner critic. How I judge myself for being depressed and many other things too. I am always worrying that I am not being a good mum to Flower because I feel unable to play with her at times and I feel like I don't want to take her for walks etc. She helped me be kinder to myself. She helped me see it's OK if Flower stays in a sleep suit all day or if I don't feel like taking her for long walks, it's OK to be "good enough". She said I'd had 10 sessions so far and that she'd like me to continue. She'd like to see me getting closer to being recovered and I agreed. She has every confidence I'll get there which was very reassuring.
Went to friend's in the afternoon and we had a great chat and it was nice to feel like a "normal" mummy.
Mr was working late and I was dreading bath time for Flower. I was going to put it off but I managed to do it alone and it was actually OK! More evidence that the reality is often much better than my gloomy thoughts. I put her to bed and sang to her and we had this beautiful moment where I truly felt I loved her so much my heart could burst and she looked at me with such happinesses I felt that she loved me too. It made me feel very special to see that just doing something small for her like singing a lullaby could make her grin from ear to ear. I realised I am everything to her and that she thinks I'm amazing and for once that thought didn't fill me with fear but happiness.
Perhaps being important to her does make me special in my own way. After all I am her only mummy!
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Feb 7, 2013 20:23:04 GMT
You certainly are her only mummy and she loves you with all of her being! I used to put huge amounts of pressure on myself too about not taking my baby out during the day and that contributed hugely to my pni. As long as your little flower is being cared for that is all that matters to her right now x you're doing brilliantly x
|
|
rudy
Full member
Posts: 33
|
Post by rudy on Feb 7, 2013 23:35:43 GMT
You are doing brilliantly Jess. I know some great mothers who aren't battling this horrible illness who feel they can't take their babies for walks every day and some it's an achievement if they are out of their pyjamas by 2 o'clock. They don't beat themselves up over it. This illness makes you question everything.
Flower is lucky to have such a sensitive and caring mother and when the clouds pass you will be all the stronger for it.
Take care
R
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 7, 2013 23:39:06 GMT
Thanks juppster!
C6 M35
Horrid horrid morning! Just felt very low and ended up in tears. Felt like I wasn't making any progress and scared I wasn't getting better. Started trying to figure out if I was better or worse than a few months ago. The truth is it's hard to tell. The mornings seem pretty bad at the moment but things always improve and by the evening i often feel pretty ok. I'm going to give it a good week and see whether my mood lifts a bit. After my last period I had a pretty awful week so things do seem a bit better than that. Perhaps I will always have a bit of a mood dip before and during my period but hopefully it will get less and less with time. Damn hormones! I've ordered some agnus castus as I've heard it can help with pmt.
Good things today... I met with my friends from the NHS group and had a good time.
Night x
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 7, 2013 23:39:42 GMT
Aww thanks Rudy x
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 8, 2013 10:33:42 GMT
C7 M36
Friday morning..
Though I'd write a little this morning just to describe how I feel at this time of day. Also thought I could have a look back in the evening to see if I feel differently when I'm feeling better.
So I'm sitting on the settee with Flower, just had breakfast and watching some TV. I feel a bit tired and lethargic. I have a nervous/sad feeling in my neck and chest almost like butterflies or something. I'm actually not feeling as bad as I thought I would and I'm not having too much difficulty with Flower. She is playing happily next to me and I'm talking to her every so often. I have a slight feeling of dread, perhaps worrying about her getting grumpy or how I will cope with the day. Overall I feel soso/OK. Not too bad really.
Will update later when if my mood changes.
|
|
|
Post by jessibella on Feb 8, 2013 12:48:00 GMT
Well my mood got a little worse around 11. Just feel very blow and scared I won't get better. Wondering if I just don't suit motherhood and I never will. Everything I think about just feels so hard and I just feel I'm not able to cope even though I do cope!
|
|
kia
New Member
Posts: 19
|
Post by kia on Feb 8, 2013 21:22:30 GMT
Hey Jess, Just wanted to say for me it was pretty normal to have ups and downs through the same day. It's real frustrating I know, when you have a morning when you feel ok ( which can be rare at the start of getting better right?!) and you think hey, today is gonna be ok, then it's like wham, an hour two later you feel crapola again. It's so hard when its like that. But just try and hang on to the small victories wherever you find them. And when you do find yourself down again don't blame yourself for it... My mantra has often been, 'I know this moment and this feeling will pass'... It really will... Soon you will have longer and longer good stretches. You are doing SO well! Take care, Kia x
|
|