Jess's Journey

[jessibella]

Thanks Kia.

The thing that frustrates me is it seems to get a bit better then get worse again. Perhaps there is an overall slow improvement.

Well today was a low day. First in a long time as generally I feel better in the evening but not so much this evening. Couldn't stop thinking about being down then googled venlafaxine (bad idea, naughty Google!) Which made me feel worse as read some bad reviews. Don't know why I did it as I'm not even taking it yet and not planning too.

So I'm going to make a list of progress I've made so I don't forget I am making it!

I have been living back at home for a few months (after a while at my parents) and I feel I am managing.

I have had several OK days in the last month

I generally feel OK when I am seeing friends etc when previously I was often feeling really bad even around others.

I have not had a blip as bad as over Xmas

Although mornings ate hard I am coping with Flower and usually feel OK later in the day

Most evenings I have felt OK and even normal sometimes

I have been able to enjoy TV or reading most of the time ( in my worst days early on I couldn't do this)

I have told work about the pnd and applied to return part time.

I have booked a nursery for Flower for 1 day a week when I return to work.

I have started weaning and it's been fine.

At times I really enjoy and love Flower

I haven't cried as often lately

Mr thinks he has seen improvements

Flower ius a happy baby who sleeps well and smiles lots

I have coped when Mr was unwell and unable to help out

I almost always believe I will get better

Night xx

[juppster]

Great list of positives honey, keep hold of them. Often this illness can feel like one step forward and two steps back but as long as you're still taking those steps forward, eventually the steps that go back will get less and less. You are doing fab, just remember it can be a painfully long process but once you're there it is so worth the fight x

[jessibella]

C8 M37 AC1

Saturday...

Another wobbly day. Up and down throughout the day. At my worst I was worrying lots that I wasn't getting better but at other points I was having quite a nice time.

Went out to shops in the morning and bought some Agnus Castus, will record this here as well as AC. Not sure if it will help but it's supposed to level out hormones and help people have a more regular cycle which could be good. I was feeling pretty OK whilst I went round the shops and was very pleased.

In the afternoon my parents came over and I enjoyed seeing them. Felt mostly OK with odd down moments. Again I found going for a walk difficult as was thinking lots of negative thoughts and feeling low. I'm starting to worry that I won't lift out of this dip. Last time I had my period my mood was low for around 2 weeks. Then I increased my meds and it seemed to lift. Now I'm worrying that my mood won't lift and I don't want to have to try more meds as I'm worried that they won't work or will give awful side effects or that it'll be hard to come off them. Was hoping my mood would lift without having to try them. Now I'm worried that it won't!!! Only time will tell and I'll have to give it at least another week.

Evening was OK. Watched an interesting programme with Mr..

Good things were getting out the house, going to shops alone and seeing my parents.

[Weeble]

Well done, you have come so far and you will come further. I went for a walk today in the dark and rain. Whilst walking I realised part of my ilness was still automatic negative thoughts so I am trying to change them to positive thoughts. You will get better absolutely, the sad thing is it takes time ((())))

Kat

[jessibella]

C9 M38 AC2

Sunday.

Another wobbly one!

Morning was up and down. Got up feeling soso and came down to look after Flower. Was able to distract myself for a bit by looking at pushchairs. Felt a bit low whilst feeding Flower and then trying to get her to sleep. I tend to feel worse when I am not occupied for example whilst I feed Flower, when she is moaning, when I go for walks, have a bath or when I am driving I find my mind is free to worry during these times. When she is asleep or when we are with friends I can distract myself from worrying as I can chat or read or watch TV.

We went for a carvery lunch with friends which was nice and distracting . Felt a bit low again later on when Flower was kicking off because she was overtired.

Didn't feel too bad during the evening, was even talking with Mr about trying the 5:2 diet where you have very low calories for 2 days a week and eat normally the other 5 days. We might give it a try.

Good things today were: catching up with friends, getting some sewing done, feeding Flower her dinner, having a pleasant evening with Mr and epilating my legs (just kidding!)

[jessibella]

Monday morning.

Things didn't start off too badly thus morning but now I just feel dreadful. Just can't shake the awful feeling that I can't cope and wanting to cry. I'm so scared I am going downhill and that I'm not getting better. I just feel like the ad's aren't helping me otherwise I shouldn't still feel this way. I have to make so much effort to look after Flower and I just can't enjoy it. I just want to get better but can't see any end to this long black tunnel. My life feels like it's ruined.

[juppster]

Oh honey, i so know how that used to feel. This is such a tough tough illness that it can all seem so bleak at times but just remember it is just a bad day / morning / afternoon / couple of hours etc. Try to look at how far you've come and accept that you, like all of us, will have bleak moments but that they will pass again and I promise you it will not be this way forever. Big hugs honey, be kind to yourself x x

[jessibella]

C10 M39 AC3

Monday cont..

Well today was a low day. I was tearful on and off during the day. Felt manageable at times but awful at others. I am so dissapointed to be feeling this way. I was really hoping things were going to pick up.

This evening I couldn't stop thinking that I will never be able to handle motherhood and that the responsibility is just too much for me. I just can't picture myself being a happy mum and it breaks my heart. Don't know what to do anymore.

I suppose I should hold on to the thought that things will pick up. I know I won't always feel this way and that I am ill and it's not my fault. I just feel so low right now. Please please let things get better.

[Weeble]

(((()))))) mate. It's terrible when we have these tough days, and I know it's no consolation but look how far you have come and you will absolutely will get better )

How has today been?

Kat

[jessibella]

C11 M40 (stopped taking agnus castus as was worried it was having a bad effect)

Thanks for the support guys.

Today wasn't quite as bad but still wobbly. Felt very up and down all day.

Made myself go out to baby group this morning and was very glad I did as it took my mind off things for a bit. Health visitor came by in the afternoon and put my mind at rest about Flower's development. I had been worrying that I was damaging her by being depressed but she said it was clear she was happy and responsive and she felt I was doing a good job.

Afternoon was up and down. At points I felt OK then soon after feeling wobbly again. Definitely better than yesterday though.

Evening was OK. Was looking at the internet a lot reading about pnd and also pmt and irregular periods (which I have). I was wondering whether the reason my mood is still low after my period could be related to hormones etc.

I find it best to have a plan of action. If my mood picks up again like it did after my last period I will speak to Dr about whether "the pill" might be helpful. I have very irregular cycles and I wonder if the pill could help even out the hormonal fluctuations.

If things don't pick up by next Wed I will have to consider taking the Venlafaxine and will talk it over with my CBT therapist. I'm hoping that I won't have to do that though.

Good things today: went to baby group and swapped numbers with a local mum, made a lentil puree for Flower, felt reassured by health visitor.

[Weeble]

Well done don't fret to much what will be will be.

Great news from your Heath visitor. Sounds like you are doing brill.

What's worrying you about the venflaxine?

Kat

[jessibella]

I've just had such a tough time with ad's they either don't seem to work or make me feel worse. I'm also scared about coming off them.

C12 M41

Today...

Morning was actually OK. I came up with a plan of how to manage the day when I'm feeling low. Sounds silly but it helped having it written down. Even scheduled in playtime with Flower just so I make sure I give her some one to one time that isn't just feeding, changing and soothing.

Afternoon was OK too. Felt a bit iffy on and off but it was all manageable. My mates came round with their babas and we chatted and had a nice time.

Evening was a bit up and down then OK. Enjoyed relaxing with Mr and I'm actually feeling a bit hopeful that things may be getting a bit better.

First OK day I've had in a couple of weeks. Certainly wasn't perfect but it was manageable.

[Weeble]

Well done. I am scared of coming of the ads in fact I suspect I may take them for ever. I undestand you have had a tough time with the drugs. But think of them like a plaster allowing you to heal gently and regrettably slowly.

Well done on the plan, what a great idea.

Kat

[jessibella]

C13 M42

Thursday...

Another low day unfortunately.

Morning was fairly low just felt tired and lethargic and hard work. Had a few ok moments.

Afternoon went to meet a friend for coffee which was a good distraction but could still feel the low mood in the background. We had a nice chat and look around the shoos though.

Evening started OK. Had a lovely Valentines meal with Mr but it went downhill. I had a glass of wine and I think it just brought on the tears. I went to have a shower and ended up sobbing my heart out feeling like I can't go on.

I am worn out now. Don't feel I have much strength left but know I've got to keep on fighting. I am so fed up of this illness now. Thinking I might have to try the Venlafaxine but heard bad things about the withdrawals. Will stick it out till next Wed and see how things are going.

Good things today: bought new leggings, gave Flower lunch and enjoyed my valentines meal.

[jessibella]

C14 M43

Friday...

Well just when I thought I understood this illness it throws another curve ball!

Morning was pretty OK. Felt a bit low but after an hour or so things picked up a bit and I actually had great fun playing with flower and pottering . Afternoon was OK too, my mum visited and we had a catch up. The Dr called to discuss my concerns about my mood dipping around the time of my period. She suggested going on the pill and gave me a prescription.

Then this evening hit me like a ton of bricks. I finished giving Flower her dinner and my mood just got really low. Don't know if it had anything to do with me worrying about going on the pill. It seems a few people have an adverse reaction to it which worried me slightly. I ended up in tears again feeling completely desperate and like I can't continue feeling this way. I'm so confused. Why aren't I better yet? Why are the evenings bad lately? Feel like I'm going backwards and so scared. I just feel hopeless that the meds haven't helped me so far and I fear nothing will. I don't want to live my life like this any longer! I know I need to keep on swimming but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.