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Post by Weeble on Feb 16, 2013 19:39:11 GMT
Hi Hun
You had a really tough day yesterday. I know that feeling that you wish you could stop. It's a cruel reality of this illness the undulations the ups and downs, dips and bumps, the blips and the relentless unforgiving cruelty. I really hope today has been easier for you. Whenever you feel really bad, just remember that to flower you are the most important essential thing in her life and she loves you more than can imagine.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Feb 17, 2013 0:02:32 GMT
C15 M44
Saturday.
Well today was pretty OK even good at times.
Morning I woke up feeling low but after an hour bor so things picked up a bit and I started feeling OK.
Afternoon I went off to a friends baby shower and that went really well. I had a great time. Started to feel a bit low again as I drove home but didn't have much time to dwell on it as we were off out for a friend's birthday. That went really well too and I didn't feel bad much at all.
Now I'm home I'm worrying that I only had a good day because I was busy and away from Flower which is a horrid thought. I'm worried I'm never going to be happy as a mother and that thought frightens me. I'm worried I'm making myself ill by thinking about it too much but I just don't know how to stop thinking about how I feel. I can't keep busy 24/7 so I need to be able to be happy at home with Flower. Worried I won't get better as it's me that's the problem. I know I can be happy with Flower though as have had good times with her. Just wish I could switch off this awful worrying.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 17, 2013 22:33:26 GMT
Well done. It's absolutely ok to need to be you not just flowers mum. It's a lie created by marketers and celebs that being a mum is such a amazing experience. After three children, pni et al, I now know what I thought everyone else was experiencing was a load of twaddle. They were not. The more common experience is boredom, frustration, guilt, exhaustion and anger. I don't know if you have broached the experience with any other mums but you will soon find out how unalone you are.
Have you any tricks to stop the runmination?
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Feb 17, 2013 23:14:03 GMT
Wish I knew how to switch it off Kat. I'll ask my CBT therapist on Wednesday
C16 M45
Acceptance...
Well I had a very rocky start to the day. Felt very low and my mood just got lower until I couldn't hide it anymore and just cried and cried. Poor Mr took Flower out for a walk and brought back coffee.
I just felt so overwhelmed and exhausted, convinced I'm not getting better and that I never will. I was just deep in the dark tunnel and unable to see a way out. Crying seems to help sometimes and I think I be finally realised that I am ill and I need to accept that.
The problem is I've been constantly raising and then dashing my hopes. Convincing myself that the pills will work or that my hormones are to blame then feeling so so disappointed when the blackness returns and I'm not cured.
Today Mr told me perhaps it was time I stopped trying to figure out what was wrong and just accept that I will feel bad at times and that I don't know what has caused it or how long it will last. Acceptance! It actually felt like a weight was lifted a bit. I can stop fighting and bargaining and just let it be. I know I will feel bad and I might even cry but it's OK because I will also feel good at times too and eventually, I don't know when, but i will feel better.
Not sure yet if I'm going to try the venlafaxine or the combined pill. Will discuss with CBT lady but I think this acceptance will help me in the long run.
Ended up having an OK afternoon and evening after that. After all I wouldn't expect a broken hip to be mended in a few days so I shouldn't expect this illness to just disappear however much I want it to. Hopefully this can keep me going through those awful dark times.
Good things today were, seeing my family, feeding Flower and getting great advice from my husband.
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Post by monica on Feb 18, 2013 14:02:31 GMT
Hi
Acceptance is. Huge step forward. I think you kind of te go once you cross that stumbling block and even with down times, you don't over analyze .
Think u are doing great. Everyone needs time away from lo to be themselves, relax and think f something else other than baby.
Take care
Monica
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Post by jessibella on Feb 18, 2013 22:18:57 GMT
C17 M46
Rollercoaster...
I seem to be back on the rollercoaster again. After I first had Flower this is what it was like up and down and up and down again. When I say up I really mean just OK/normal. Must have flipped between OK and low 4 or 5 times today!
Morning, got up feeling soso. Had breakfast and watched some TV and played with Flower. My mood lifted a bit for a while and we had some fun.
Afternoon was much the same up a bit then down a bit. When I feel down I just think I'll have to try the venlafaxine and when I pick up a bit I think I can wait a bit longer. Though I'm not certain what I'm waiting for as I know I won't get better overnight.
I kind of see that I have a few choices. Wait a bit longer and see if things pick up at all, start taking the venlafaxine or start taking the pill. I think I just want to know if things will improve without the extra drugs before I make a decision. It will also give me an idea about whether my monthly hormonal fluctuations seem to influence things or not. On the other hand I want to accept I am ill and stop waiting for things to miraculously get better, it's just so hard!
Any ideas folks?
Good thinks today, got the buggy to fit in the boot of the car, shared a few laughs with my husband and enjoyed bath time with Flower.
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Post by jessibella on Feb 19, 2013 23:39:48 GMT
C18 M47
Today was OK...
Morning I went to baby group which is always distracting and helps me not think about being low. Had a nice catch up with some mums and we did some rhyme time which Flower enjoyed.
Afternoon went out to lunch with Mr then he took Flower so I could have a haircut! I was dreading it a bit as thought I'd be stuck thinking negative thoughts. Luckily the hairdresser was so quick and friendly and chatty I was fine. Got home after and managed to do some household chores by bringing Flower with me to each room. Think she enjoyed the change of scene. I definitely feel better when I keep busy.
Evening was a bit Lowe to begin with but got better.
I do find my moods still go up and down even on OK days but they are overall more manageable than the bad days. I find that when I feel low I can tell myself it will pass and it does. Sometimes I can find I only get a glimpse of feeling good before it fades away. I try not to blame myself though as I know I am not choosing to feel bad I can't help feeling this way. I do long for the days when I will be able to just feel OK and feel confident it won't fade away, but I think that is some way off. In the meantime I'll try and enjoy the good while it lasts.
Night x
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Post by monica on Feb 20, 2013 8:26:54 GMT
The rollercoaster ride even on daily basis is draining. But you can definitely rationalize to yourself and that is huge step forward as well as feeling u can ride out te blips, as distressing as they are.
Re Meds, it's hard one.dont know specifically about the drug u might take but yu can feel worse initially and you are committed to them usually for at least 6 months after feeling better (my gp even recommended a year), and they can ave side effects although these can be minimal. Everyone s different. In my case I was in such a state. I ad zero enjoyment out of life, couldn't function at all felt so ill. For me the Meds defo seeding up recovery hugely. I still ad blips though so it didnt erase those.
Sorry avent helped yu much. Maybe talk it over with your dr?
Monica
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Post by juppster on Feb 20, 2013 8:29:14 GMT
Definitely try to enjoy the good moments and eventually they will get more and more. I can't remember whether you're getting any other help other than meds, I.e counselling or cbt? The combination of the two was definitely the key for me x
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Post by jessibella on Feb 20, 2013 22:11:48 GMT
C19 M48
Well today was pretty OK. Found CBT really helpful. We decided to give it 4 weeks without changing meds ( to be reviewed if things get bad) and instead concentrate on using CBT techniques to help me through. This involves using positive self talk to challenge negative thoughts and letting go of unhelpful habits. One of these habits has been me using a mood app to record my mood. I have been using it to try and spot patterns in my illness but unfortunately it has led me to be constantly checking my mood and then feeling let down when I don't see improvements. Have to say I was initially really resistant to stopping using it as I think at times it has made me feel better and more in control. Luckily she helped me see that the short term satisfaction I get from it leads to negatives in the long term as I focus too much on seeing patterns and improvements. Another thing we talked about was being "kind to myself". Trying to change that negative inner voice to a positive one. Also recognising that my low moods don't last and using this to remind myself that it will pass when I feel bad.
Here are some compassionate messages I am trying to send myself:
It's OK to feel low/sad and it will pass When I feel low it's OK to do whatever I need to that helps me feel better I am a good mother and Flower is well looked after I will get through this in time and it will make me stronger I will be better able to deal with any future down periods by learning CBT techniques and being good to myself I am worth it
I will try and use this diary to record ways of challenging some of my negative thinking
Juppster: you mentioned CBT being very helpful. Just wondered what you found to be the most helpful techniques? X
Thanks again too everyone for the support. This website is my saviour xx
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Post by jessibella on Feb 21, 2013 22:12:34 GMT
C20 M49
Today had good points and not so good points. Definitely not as good as yesterday.
Went out to lunch with mum and a friend which was good and distracting. Enjoyed it and ate far too much (need to get a bit more motivated to lose weight! Unfortunately when I was alone today I felt pretty down. Trying to use my CBT techniques to challenge the negative thought patterns. I find that when I'm feeling bad I tend to worry about the future a lot and how I'm going to cope. Have to keep reminding myself I will get better. I know I'm just really really scared about how long this is lasting and what that means. Trying to focus on a day at a time is helpful.
This evening me and Mr looked at pictures of Flower from when she was a newborn. Wow it's incredible how much she's changed and how much easier she is now. I remember those early days when it was so hard to put her down even for a moment. She was so grouchy and wouldn't settle at all! Makes me realise we've come a long way!
Poor Flower is teething and had a bit of a temperature this afternoon. She is such a good girl these days I just wish I could enjoy her more. Luckily I do get glimpses of enjoyment with her. Hopefully when I recover I can make up for nloist time.
It feels good to realise I am in recovery ( though I do feel as if I'm not making much progress). Every day is a step closer to being well again.
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Post by juppster on Feb 22, 2013 8:32:30 GMT
Yes, definitely one step closer to feeling well again. With regards to the cbt techniques that worked well for me, it was slightly different as mine was mainly focused on my anxiety and panic attacks which was in turn causing my depression. The one thing that I used to say to myself, and still do if I'm feeling anxious, is asking myself, "what's the worst that can happen?" and often that's enough to take the edge off. I used to keep a thought diary and write down the evidence for the thought and the evidence against that thought. . It's really trying all of the techniques you're given and seeing which one works best for you x
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Post by jessibella on Feb 22, 2013 22:57:05 GMT
C21 M50
Horrid day..
Today was awful, couldn't seem to shake the black cloud all day and ended up sobbing to Mr in the evening. Days like today I just feel hopeless, feel like I'm not getting any better and start overanaslysing. Ended up convincing myself that I just can't handle being a mum. I can't seem to remember any good times with Flower when I feel so awful. My head was just whirling with awful sad thoughts. Then I felt annoyed with myself for being unable to get through it.
Felt a bit better this evening but keep thinking "that's just cause Flower's not around". I feel sorry for her having me as a mum. She deserves someone who can play and laugh and sing and be happy.
Oh well tomorrow's a new day!
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Post by juppster on Feb 23, 2013 8:26:43 GMT
Just remember its just one bad day and flower would most definitely not be better off without you as her mummy. Hoping today is a little easier but if it isn't, as you say, tomorrow is another day x
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Post by jessibella on Feb 23, 2013 22:41:20 GMT
C22 M51
Today was another wobbly one. Feeling a bit odd this evening. Feels like I haven't felt "normal" or happy for a long time. Can't remember what that feels like. I actually feel kind of numb which I'm finding a bit scary.
I'm feeling afraid too. I'm scared that this is my life now. I feel worried that I won't get my old self back. What if this is just the way I am now? I'm so confused can't tell if I'm getting any better as I can't seem to remember how I used to feel.
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