|
Post by Weeble on Sept 30, 2013 19:09:11 GMT
ooooo I had what you are describing I once rang the crisis line and asked if my baby was a doll. I also tried to call the police to tell them my child is not mine and my husband must have stolen him. xxxx
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
|
|
|
Post by monica on Sept 30, 2013 21:27:22 GMT
These are your anxieties and fears. You are dong really well and using tools effectively to control the anxieties. So pleased you had great weekend. You deserve to have fun and recharge your batteries.
You won't have these doubts and fears forever. I felt exactly like you and thought I'd never be shot of my anxieties but you will recoverx
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Oct 7, 2013 20:22:35 GMT
wise words
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
|
|
|
Post by monica on Oct 23, 2013 9:52:01 GMT
Hi
Just wondering how ur doing?
Monica
|
|
aura
Full member
Posts: 90
|
Post by aura on Oct 23, 2013 15:20:24 GMT
Hey,
I'm doing okay. Just some anxieties etc. But just working through it as it comes!
|
|
|
Post by monica on Oct 24, 2013 20:52:48 GMT
Brill news. It does take time but yu sound well equipped to deal with the little blipsx
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Nov 1, 2013 21:15:40 GMT
thats great news well done
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
|
|
aura
Full member
Posts: 90
|
Post by aura on Nov 17, 2013 8:45:20 GMT
I can't believe it's my boy's 2nd birthday in a week. He is so adorable and I'm so grateful I can appreciate the time I have with him. Yesterday I had a major blip, but came out of it today and am feeling a lot better. Still the anxiety and with it comes some strange physical symptoms and pains, but I handle them and move on. I went shopping with my mom for some lovely presents for Cutie yesterday, and I really enjoyed it, apart from some derealization etc. I treated myself to the most fantastic pair of shoes!! Gorgeous. I'm happy that work is picking up and going a lot better, but sometimes there's so much to do that I feel like I'm neglecting Cutie or something. Luckily I can work from home and spend time with him - another thing I am very grateful for!! I hope everyone is well.
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Nov 18, 2013 8:05:54 GMT
Lovely to hear from you and that things are going well x
|
|
aura
Full member
Posts: 90
|
Post by aura on Nov 18, 2013 20:59:59 GMT
Agh agh agh! Not having a good evening. My day went well, after a bit of a blip last night, but tonight it's just like all the way back to square one again. And it's horrible. I feel so out of sorts and irritable, and had a few of the dreaded thoughts. Then my HUGEST fear came crashing back into my head: that I am or will go crazy. I know by now that this is not true becasue crazy people don't worry that they're crazy etc, but I hate feeling like anxious and on the edge. I have this fear of somehow going mad one day, and it is like torture. I obviously ultimately fear losing control and going mad is probably the biggest loss of control and therefore my biggest fear.
What spurred this on was when I came into the kitchen to start working on Cutie's birthday cake, and I looked at him and thought how adorable he is and how I can't believe I have an almost-2-year old. Then that thought suddenly turned into some kind of concept that I'll forget him or that I don't recognize him and I was overwhelmed by fear. It's horrid. I can't keep on second guessing myself like this.
I KNOW I will never forget him. I KNOW I won't go mad. I KNOW I will never hurt him, so why do I insist on torturing myself with the possibility that I will? Why do I have this self-doubt. I've been practicing CBT and positive thinking a lot. I talk to myself in my head and tell myself how good I am, what a good mom I am, how hard I work, and that I love myself and I can do anything. And it helps A LOT. It's like a huge support from within my own self. It's wonderful and I can appreciate that there is light within myself and that I do things right. But WHY OH WHY do I have this obsession with going mad?
Two of my family members suffered with schizophrenia but got help for it and are fine. That doesn't necessarily mean that I will get it. I know I have hypochondria and some severe paranoia but I have worked on it and I am so proud of how far I have come and where I am right now. It's just those creeping thoughts of self-doubt that come in that knock me back every now and again.
This is probably a terrible rant to read because it's somewhat counterintuitive. Honestly, I'm tired of being in one spot. I'm tired of being in this tiny town with no friends and nothing to do. And yes, I'm working hard to get out of here, but I just wish it would happen a little faster. They say you shouldn't wish for something because you'll regret it when it comes true. That's fine.
I just want to get out of here with my son, and find a better life for both of us. I think I deserve love and some attention. I think I deserve a social life and a little home of my own. Not because I'm a brat, but because I work damn hard and I'm a human and everyone deserves a roof over their head and support.
I am terribly lonely. I'm lonely without friends. I'm lonely without a man in my life. I'm NOT desperate, and I can carry on without it and focus on work. But I CANNOT deny that I'm lonely. I have so many dreams and so many things I want to do and I can't do them here. I believe in myself and that I have the capability to accomplish those dreams. Sometimes the method just eludes me.
Maybe that's why I'm fearing insanity again. Because I feel like I'm not controlling where I want to go. But you're not supposed to control everything anyway. Life isn't like that. Who says if I let go that it means I'm crazy.
I care about these things: *my son *my family *making a better future *being a good mom
I think I'll just have to keep practicing CBT and try to get over this blip. They happen once every two months I think. The depersonalization is the worst - I think it helps make you more anxious and more insane feeling. It sucks. But if I have to kick it's butt again, I will. I'll do this every second month until it leaves me alone for good. Because I'm not a quitter. Because I won't give up. Because I believe in myself.
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Nov 19, 2013 9:14:06 GMT
I get these episodes too, once every 5 or 6 months now, they have gradually gotten longer in between each one, and this will happen for you too. Blips are horrible but will disappear again. You sound as though you're incredibly strong and are doing everything you can to get better. We are always here to listen xx
|
|
aura
Full member
Posts: 90
|
Post by aura on Nov 19, 2013 16:11:47 GMT
Well, today was good and bad. Thanks for your reply btw Juppster. It's like I try to convince myself that I'm actually mad. I have 'mad' thoughts, except I know I'm thinking them as a way of torturing myself because I'm so terrified of going crazy. At least I'm not having any dreaded thoughts with regards to Cutie.
Just the fact that I can rationalize that I'm not mad, gives me a little comfort, but it's still so frustrating because thoughts about being mad and anxiety keeps popping up every five damn seconds.
AGHHHH. I just want this blip to end already. I'm going to try my best to practice some CBT tonight. I'm grateful I can at least carry on with work and function properly. Even though I feel like I'm floating or like there's something different in my surroundings - depersonalization etc.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Dec 5, 2013 11:19:19 GMT
Hi
How have you been? Has the blip passed? They are horrible - the self analysis and doubts motto ention physical symptoms, but they will pass and get less intense in time. Trust me ur nt mad in any shape or form!
Monica
|
|
aura
Full member
Posts: 90
|
Post by aura on Dec 13, 2013 21:51:06 GMT
Hey Monica,
Yes that blip passed but am feeling a bit shaky of late for some reason. Like today I was fine but started feeling anxious in the evening. I think it's all the stress of work. Tired of being afraid of being crazy. So tired, I can barely concentrate on what I'm saying, which makes me feel crazier. AGH. Hate these ups and downs.
Thanks for the support! Will give a full update soon.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Dec 15, 2013 14:13:56 GMT
Ups and downs are pants and draining. What's happening at work? Could u talk to ur boss about the stress? Xmas can be stressful too - I feel on edge most of the time as my to do list is endless yet am lacking energy and money to get it all done.x
|
|