aura
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Post by aura on Jan 11, 2014 12:23:57 GMT
Here we go again. My two month blip has arrived perfectly on time to coincide with my period. Wonderful. Once again, all the fears about going mad are back, and that feeling of fear, depersonaliation and derealization have come along to accompany it. Which obviously makes me feel even more mad. I am so tired of this. I feel like this makes me weak somehow. Does having these issues make me a weak human being? Am I ever going to get over this and just live my life the way I want to? When I look at my son or mother or father or myself, it's like there's something different about each one. I know that's supposed to be part of the derealization but it's still freaks me out. Tired of this. This blip started on the 7th of Jan. Hopefully it's over before my birthday!!! On another note, I met a guy who I'm chatting to and I like him quite a lot. But am very cautious. That also scares the crap out of me. I've just got to keep on believing that everything will be all right in the end. And keep practicing the CBT. Think I'll do that tonight. Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and New Year!
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Post by monica on Jan 11, 2014 20:55:02 GMT
Hi
As frustrating as it is having this blip, you know that's all this is and you WILL get over it. These ups and downs are all part of the recovery process and quite normal, yet when you are in this frame of mind it is very distressing. In time, blips will become less intense, less frequent and you'll be able to bat away the thoughts and feelings much easier. As you say, keep practising the cbt - it does make a huge difference. In the meantime, do things to perk yourself up - you deserve it! Exercise can help hugely too.
Brill news on the guy front. Enjoy the chatting! It must be very scary, but it also shows you're are recovering. Are you ready to meet him? I'm in a similary postiiton - single and at the point where I would quite like to meet someone but also a bit scared. we have to be positive!
Monica
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aura
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Post by aura on Jan 12, 2014 5:56:09 GMT
Hey Monica,
Thanks for the reply. I'm getting closer to wanting to meet him, but there are so many fears and questions. I'll tackle that when I get there, though. It's quite exciting to think that I might have really met someone I like.
Cutie is going through a very difficult terrible twos phase at the moment, and it drives me up the wall. My mom always tells me that 'you always love your kids, but sometimes you just don't like them that much'. That's kinda how I feel when he goes crazy and starts smacking and throwing himself around. I do my best to understand what's going on in his mind, because it must be a very difficult growth period for him, but it's still very trying. That's when the old/new fear came in - what if I don't love my son? What if I don't want to spend time with him? What if I run away?
I know that all these things are total crap and I'm the one who's in control of my feelings and actions, but it's still quite upsetting and frustrating to have these thoughts again. Thanks for the support with the blips. I know you guys always help me when I go through one of these, and your replies help keep me strong!
This year I'm getting out of this town! Our whole family has agreed. We need to be somewhere bigger.
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Post by monica on Jan 13, 2014 10:36:52 GMT
Hi
Tantrums - they do push u to the limit! It sounds like when you get frustrated with Cuties behaviour those old pni doubts start to resurface. Your mum is quite - sometimes we don't like our kids! Even mums without pni.
Lots going on for you this year. A new man and move. Will you try and move to a town near you or somewhere different? You are a strong lady x
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Post by Weeble on Jan 13, 2014 20:55:16 GMT
Hi
Lovely to hear from you. Tantrums are tough aren't they I think your mum speaks a truth! My mum says they do things that irritate you to the point you are about to snap and then they stop.
On tantrums, they are caused because the lo is so frustrated and can't communicate. I have found with all mine talking to them about it afterwards and helping them understand how to communicate what upset them helped.
Hope tomorrow is a good day for you
Kat
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aura
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Post by aura on Jan 14, 2014 14:02:45 GMT
Hey ladies! Thanks so much for your support and kind words. I'm trying my best to understand with Cutie. He's a bit of a handful but I am making a point of explaining everything to him so that he understands and feels included in the decision making process. The new thing with the guy scares the crap out of me but I'm forcing myself to see this through. I'm going to meet him and I'm not going to let my fears get the best of me this time. I'm feeling a bit up and down today. Still with the depersonalization and derealization and fears of madness or harming baby, but I'm practicing my CBT and really keeping busy. Slowly starting to get over the blip, but some days are better than others. All I want is to feel stable again, and I hope one day I will. For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. It helps me to google some anxiety stuff, since I found out loads of other people have the same fear of going mad and the way I think is not uncommon at all. I hope everyone is doing well! Thanks again for all the support.
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aura
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Post by aura on Jan 14, 2014 15:04:21 GMT
Okay, now I'm feeling a bit freaked again. ARGH. So irritating. More dreaded thoughts and feeling down. I wish this blip would pass...!!!
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2014 10:34:49 GMT
Hugs- it's the blip talking.Anything in particular? You are so right - doubting your sanity is very common. But if you were going mad you probably wouldn't be worrying about it!
Perhaps have a 20 min power walk at lunchtime, get your heart beating. It will burn off nervous energy.
Monica
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aura
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Posts: 90
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Post by aura on Jan 15, 2014 12:24:15 GMT
Thanks monica. Letting go here really helps my thought processes. I was reading one of the other ladies' comments in the threads, and she said she's too sensitive to anti-d's and that's exactly what it was like for me. I can't get the right match. I'm handling it well without them, but it's just the blips that seem to set me back a bit. My mom even suggested I go to the doctor last night. I'm just having the weirdest mood swings. Happy one second and freaked out and irritable the next. Thanks again!
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2014 14:42:37 GMT
Hi
I took and take vitB supplement as I have a tendency to get pmt and when I forget to take it over several weeks my pmt is worse. Might be worth a go?
Monica
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aura
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Posts: 90
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Post by aura on Jan 15, 2014 18:53:44 GMT
Thanks monica, I'll definitely look into that!
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aura
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Posts: 90
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Post by aura on Jan 16, 2014 19:14:49 GMT
Agh. Feeling crap and stressed and all depersonalized tonight. But handling it okay. Just working through it. I'm feeling more positive, but also guilty - as always. My mom asked me if I will ever be happy and it made me feel so bad because I'm worried how I feel is affecting her, my dad and Alex. But I don't know if that's a fair observation. We all get down sometimes. I mean, no one is 100% happy all the time. Hell, before I got pni I wasn't all that happy all the time. I felt better today - like I had some inner strength and I'd like to carry on feeling that way. As long as I remain focused on doing my best, I feel like I will achieve my goals and get somewhere. I'm just not going to put too much pressure on myself. It's okay to not feel okay all the time. Anyway, that's what I believe.
On another note, I'm so proud of Cutie!!!! He has transitioned himself into his bed. He requested to sleep there last night and when I put him in the crib tonight he lay awake until I fetched him and put him in the bed.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 16, 2014 22:07:18 GMT
No one is happy all the time true and you will recover too. Have you spoken to your gp recently about your symptoms?
Ignore your mum, that was a tactless thing to say
Kat
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aura
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Post by aura on Jan 18, 2014 6:59:05 GMT
Thanks for your reply Weeble! So, I felt a bit bad yesterday because I got upset with my mom. She's always just trying to help with Cutie, but sometimes I feel a little bit upstaged or like she wants to tell me what to do. And that bothers me. I figured I was just overreacting, but then I spoke to my dad and he said that my mom is just in a weird place at the moment. Maybe we're all going through some ups and downs. I'd just like to feel normal for a while again, and not doubt everything all the time. Haven't been back to my GP because where I live, they just throw drugs at the problem and don't really try to help you. And the last time, I was to sensitive to the anti-d's and they didn't work for me. Also, I'm coping without them (not in a black depression, just the anxiety) and the support on this forum did more for me than they ever did. I try to practice the CBT I researched and that works most of the time. It's just sometimes I feel like I'm in some hormonal dip (especially during the full moon) and I just lose it. It's hard to feel out of control like that. Getting it all of my chest feels good though. I think the depersonalization is one of the worst parts of this illness. When I get such bad anxiety that I actually start feeling disconnected, it makes me freak out even more about going/being mad. That's something I just try to ignore and live with and eventually it does go away, but a part of me is scared that I won't be able to cope in the future or something. All those 'what if's' are terrible. But I just keep telling myself that if I can cope now, I'll cope in the future and I refuse to do anything that will ever jeopardize my son or his future. I think I should cut back on the coffee. Had a cup this morning and it made the anxiety way worse. Blegh. Anyway, feeling a bit up and down today but better than I was a week ago. So hopefully this thing is starting to lift a little.
The guy I've been chatting to is so sweet and I explained everything about pni to him and he told me he used to have OCD when he was younger and he totally understands. It was nice to talk to someone else about it. Still want to go get those vit B sups. Think I'm going tomorrow. Will be happy once I've got them. I must say that taking Omega 3&6's has totally improved my memory and helped with the foggyness as well.
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aura
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Post by aura on Jan 18, 2014 8:25:35 GMT
Okay, so let me do some self-analysis here. Maybe that will help. I'm turning 26 on Monday and I'm still with my parents at home trying to support my child with my writing. I feel like I'm not doing a good job of it and I desperately want to get out of here and find my own life and support Cutie. The fact that I'm going to be 26 and still be at home with my parents irks me and I feel trapped and staid and like I'll never get out of here. Since I'm such a driven person, the fact that I'm in this situation (which is of my own making) frustrates me and makes me doubt myself. It also gives me anxiety. That snowballs into complete self-doubt over my sanity which leads to anxious thoughts and fears, especially over my identity etc. I focus on these fears and strange thoughts (which I'd otherwise ignore if I didn't have pni) and it reinforces this cycle of despair and self-doubt and makes me cycle into a depression and these constant weird and irrational fears. The thoughts I get seem so absolutely crazy (like what if I thought I was a man - which I think is a reflection on my fear of losing my identity since I'm defined by being a mom and woman) that I get so scared that I'm somehow spiraling into real madness. But I'm rationalizing all of these things so that can't be true, since crazy people don't do that. The fact that I fear being crazy and the strange thoughts I have means I am not crazy. I'm far from crazy. I'm just second-guessing myself. So it boils down to a matter of regaining my confidence and the only way to do that is to get out of here, get a job and start my own damn life with Cutie.
First step: Getting my license Second step: Finding a job Third step: Moving
I can't doubt that I'll be able to handle any of it. I will. I will get out of here. I will stop doubting my sanity. I will embrace who I am as a person. I will accept the fact that I'm a good mother and I do the best for my child. I'm tired of these what if thoughts.
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