steph
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Post by steph on Jun 10, 2013 18:49:38 GMT
Hi all I am hoping that starting a diary and sharing with others going through similar experiences will help me to pull through this illness for good, I have recovered once, I CAN do it again!! Here goes....... My name is Stephanie and I originally suffered with PNI in 2009 just before my daughters 1st birthday. I suffered with severe anxiety and panic after having dreaded thoughts and images about abusing my precious baby girl. After finding the right dose of medication, some counselling and the lifeline of this website I eventually after what felt like a very long time, managed to get through the illness and eventually recovered. 4 years on I have had my second child, a gorgeous baby boy who is now 20 months. I eventually weaned off my medication at the beginning of this year after feeling myself again and being blip free for over 2 years!! I am now experiencing a humongous blip which is very very hard going and has brought all my old anxierty's and worries to the surface again I am finding it extremely difficult to be around my children especially now I have two of them which has led to more severe panic and fear and I am now back on 30mg Citolapram and Diazepam initially to help me cope a little more right now. I have also requested some more counselling to help me get back on track with the CBT techniques. Feel so frustrated and angry at myself for letting this take over my life again. Hoping over the coming weeks the medication will kick in and along with therapy and rational thinking I will start to feel like myself again. Sometimes life likes to test us in the hardest of ways but I am determined to get through as hard as it feels right now and one day will be strong enough to recover fully and put all this behind me.
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 11, 2013 18:40:45 GMT
Ok, I started today as all the other days have started recently, feeling very anxious and frightened about things. I managed to dig out an old article called 'Getting a grip on taboo thinking' this morning which I used to help me as one of my anxiety tools last time and thought I would share a snippet as it has comforted me today: 'Those who are distressed by taboo thoughts are usually the least likely to act on them. They tap in to your worst nightmare, but its the thing you're least likely to do. These thoughts are often connected to our children or the love of our life, its a paradox. We love the thing, but we're thinking about it in an unsettling way as if part of us needs to sabotage something precious. A person who has such thoughts needs to recognise that its not the imagination that makes a person good or bad, our thoughts are an imaginary version ourselves, the real version is evidenced by the way we behave with others' I have an assessment for some CBT counselling tomorrow so that's good news. Felt very on edge at work today and anxious when I was picking the children up and first got home but refreshingly seem to have been feeling quite relaxed for the past few hours which is a suprise, fingers crossed things continue this way. Wondering whether some of my meds may be kicking in, we shall see
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Post by Weeble on Jun 11, 2013 19:46:04 GMT
So very very true what you write about taboo thoughts. I had a psychologist, she explained them to me as punishment thoughts, my brain focused on them because they were the worse thing I could think of.
Great to see you keeping a diary, you will recover again.
Kat
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 12, 2013 18:19:44 GMT
Thanks Kat, I really hope so! Had an ok day today, things have still definately been on my mind and all the what if's are still flying around trying to fool me but trying to stay busy. Just had my counselling assessment for which went ok. Obviously hard having to dreg it all up and talk about it for fear the assessor would think I had gone mad and I would want to do these horrible things but she was very understanding and said I will get better again. She has marked me down as urgent so should get my first session in the next 1-2 weeks hopefully. Seems silly, I should know all the CBT techniques from the first time round but I just think it just really helps to talk to someone to help guide you back to yourself along with the anxiety tools. Off to see some friends for dinner now so that should take my mind off things. I am hoping to end the day feeling I've put all the steps in place to start feeling good again
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Post by Weeble on Jun 12, 2013 19:14:35 GMT
It's not silly needing to talk. It's great that you are open to talking. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Kat
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 13, 2013 21:33:41 GMT
Had a visit from an amazing friend this evening who has helped me to focus more on the real me! Was good to talk to her about things and she is a huge support, very lucky Few wobbly moments today but ploughing through, bit anxious about hubby being on night shifts next few nights but going to try my best to enjoy the time with my babies and keep busy!!
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Post by Weeble on Jun 14, 2013 5:54:34 GMT
I find my friends the oxygen that can pick me up too. Don't worry about the wobbly moments, I think women without pni also have wobbly moments. What worries you most about the nightshifts
Kat
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 14, 2013 17:47:44 GMT
Just find bedtime routine (bathing, changing etc) hard without him here for support in case I have a wobble. Always the hardest part of the day for me along with first thing at the moment. I am trying my best to carry on doing the things that scare me though in order to fight the fear! I remembered from last time round that it is better not to avoid situations as can make you worse and more detached from the kids but very hard sometimes as can bring thoughts on.
Going to try my best to relax tonight and embrace some me time. Fingers crossed!
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Post by Weeble on Jun 14, 2013 20:24:05 GMT
Again so true, I find the same that bed time is stressful and I can find it really tough too. I have learned to go at my pace when I am on my own and so what it they don't have a bath and end up in bed late.
How are things going?
Kat
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 15, 2013 12:49:59 GMT
Really hard today I am so angry at this illness! Why does it have to happen to people like us. Women that just want to enjoy every day with their children they love so much and who are so so precious to them and instead find themselves obsessing over such nasty disgusting things!! I just want this to go away! It absolutely breaks my heart to look at my beautifull babies and thing such dreadfull things I'm so scared this is going to defeat me and it won't go back to the way it was. I should be enjoying my weekends with my family not dreading them. This is so cruel!
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steph
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Post by steph on Jun 15, 2013 19:37:55 GMT
Sorry for my previous negative post, I had a tough day today. Feeling a little more relaxed tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and the next day of my journey to recovery!
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Post by Weeble on Jun 16, 2013 6:31:06 GMT
Don't apologise for posting how you feel. I a, not surprised you feel that way. I certainly do and I am sure many of the other girls are the same.
Kat
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Post by monica on Jun 16, 2013 9:50:28 GMT
USPS and downs are very common with pni but you Weill get thru this even though there will be times that will feel impossible. You are a strong lady. This illness is incredibly cruel. You are sso right that it's besst to face ur rewards if u can, sso well done on doing that.
Monica
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steph
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Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Jun 16, 2013 18:47:50 GMT
Thank you for your words of encouragement ladies. I really can't tell you how much your support means to me right now.
Another tough day today but I knew it would be very difficult this weekend with hubby working nights and on my own during the time he is sleeping in the day.
No family or friends were around really so was hard to make plans to distract myself. Had to persevere and I know I cannot run and expect someone else to take on my role as mum, I have to try and face this head on where I have to.
Still don't think the meds have started working just yet, I've been on them for 3 weeks but upped my dose every week from 10mg, to 20mg last week and then 30mg this week which was the dose I settled on last time things were bad. I'm wondering if the meds are having the adverse effect at the moment as I'm still very anxious and irrational most of the time, my mind has gone into overdrive playing tricks on me. It's as if everything is hazey most of the time with the anxiety/worry and I just can't think straight. Hoping to get a call from the counselling people tomorrow with an app to start some CBT therapy as I'm sure that will help me a lot.
Have some apps to sign up to recruitment agencies tomorrow as I am at risk of redundancy at work so that isn't helping me at the moment. If anything the stress of all that brought on this almighty blip in the first place.
Please, please can I have a rest from all this tomorrow???
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Post by monica on Jun 17, 2013 8:03:27 GMT
Being on ur own can make things doubly hard so it's really great ur trying to fill your time. Sorry you feeling bit anxious - its common to feel worse with Meds before u get better so that might account for the anxiety.
Good luck with the agencies. Is redundancy very likely? What line of work r u in?
Here's hoping for a good dayx
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