My Diary, hope to make sense of the rollercoaster

[tansytwinkle]

So, having been here before with baby #1 and knowing what I am looking for having PNI second time round isn't a surprise. Have been taking tablets for a year now and they helped initially but recently, not so much I felt. So when I accidentally ran out of my prescription (honestly) it seemed like a natural time to take a wee break. Was feeling anxious all the time on tabs and feeling of utter dread so knew something wasn't right.
Been off them for 3ish weeks and not enjoying the ride I have to say. Its my own fault I know but I didn't feel in control of my mind before and constantly worrying and now I'm still not in control and constantly tired/angry/sad or all three and its exhausting.
My real worry however is my so very low tolerance level. I'm ok for a wee while and we (me and my boys) can be having a 'good' day then a trivial, insignificant thing can happen and it sets me off into a foul mood. My worry is that the boys are witnessing this and I'm finding it harder to control my thoughts. I don't think I could harm them but the thoughts are there (smacking) and I can imagine the sense of relief in doing that but then I realise what I've just imagined and am horrified with myself I could think of doing anything to hurt them. This then triggers self loathing and I so desperately don't want to be around in this situation anymore so I don't run the risk of 'infecting' my boys with my neurosis and ill temper... thanks for those mum and dad.
Going to gp tomorrow to discuss tabs but I just really want someone to 'fix' my head. How can millions of other mums do this without the hang-ups and baggage. They have their problems I know but it seems they can contextualise life in ways I can't.
Am gonna use this diary to try and track my moods and see if that helps. Got to try something huh?

[juppster]

Welcome to the diary section, I personally found it a great help in my recovery. Keep talking xx

[monica]

Hello and welcome!

It's easy to self criticize with pni but ur not alone in this. Many mums even non pni mums feel this way - frustrated , angry , low patience levelss. Coming off Meds can really make u feel dreadful. Pni is a horrible illness that u can't control anymore than if u had the flu!

Have u had talking therapy before. Can really help and u can learn coping sstrategiess which can help u through difficult moments.

Good luck at drs.
Monica

[tansytwinkle]

Wow, thanks for the replies ladies. I did go to the Dr and went back on the meds and I noticed a difference immediately. Obviously I can take this to mean I'm not ready to come off them and the Dr has indicated I should remain on them for a year at least. While I was disappointed to hear this at first I've now reconciled this as a positive thing and there is a bit of relief in knowing that this 'decision' is, to all intents and purposes, out of my hands.

I have tried talking therapy in the past but with no real long term benefit. The problem is I know what I need to do to help myself and to keep well but when you slip into a depressive cycle its really difficult to pull yourself out again. I hate how everything becomes altered when you're ill and figuring out what's real and what is just in your head.

My HV suggested CBT but I cant' afford to go private and the waiting lists are impossibly long on the NHS and I'm not so sure this is a high priority situation. I have self referred to counselling however.

Since the last time I posted the rollercoaster has slowed somewhat but I am still on it. I can make more sense of what's real and what's in my head but then triggers happen and I can feel it all slipping. This week the abuse case in the news of the boy who was abused by his mum and step father is haunting me. I remember being the same with Baby P and finding it impossible to shut the details of the case out of my head. Knowing this, I have actively sought to avoid any information about it this time but am already fixating on the language used. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach all the time and cannot switch the thoughts off.

Taking it one day at a time and trying really hard not to feel too sorry for myself. I do appreciate the replies, its nice to know you are out there, listening.

x

[juppster]

Nice to hear from you and to hear things have calmed down somewhat. I too can't read anything about that poor little boy so you're not alone there as I'm sure alot of people can't. Taking it day by day is a good strategy xx

[monica]

So pleased ur feeling better . Think you've made the right decision . Recovery soften a slow process and understanding makes a huge difference so well donex

[Weeble]

Hi how are you doing?

Kat

[tansytwinkle]

Ohhhh, been a super wobbly day today. Feeling pretty crappy about it all. Struggled with the wee ones and really had to focus on the end goal, 'once the eldest is at nursery, then you only have one to deal with'. It feels crappy saying that; almost as though I need to off load one to be able to deal with the other.

Today they felt a need to be no further than 2cm from me at any time, literally! I do get claustrophobic anyway so this felt very smothering and the eldest has taken to mimicking the youngest as a way of gaining attention. Mostly I know this is his cry for attention but today I was finding it all too much.

Today has been filled with unexplained dread. Anxious all day with no apparent reason or trigger. In fact, I slept from 8pm yesterday until 6.30am this morning so surely the rest would have helped if anything.

Then on top of this, my car was broken into. Not really bothered about what was stolen as it had no real value but pissed off that it happened in the first place. The fact that we caught him in the act but didn't realise until he was to far away kinda rubs the salt in a wee bit further.

Not sure that I'm looking for too much from this post, just recognising a pretty serious wobble today and hopefully that is all it is. Like I said, no apparent triggers.

Anyway, thanks for reading xx

[butterfly]

Hiya, just browsing on here and stumbled across you! Sound like you did have some stress, car being broken into.... Kids driving you mad. Enough to make me feel stressy. Hope your feeling a bit better

[juppster]

How's things been ? X