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Post by quantumrose on Mar 2, 2014 11:35:31 GMT
Feeling bad. Worrying also about how all this is affecting my family.... I've managed to keep my health anxiety at a low level for a while but its back. Maybe because Ive had the tummy bug and feeling physically low? Anyway, my thoughts have arrived at terrible possibilities, all ending in tragedy and death. Focus today is on weight loss and my period being late. Now, I can explain it till the cows come home (breastfeeding baby + anxiety and no appetite + just losing baby weight) but this is no rational thought , so can't be cured that way. I never realised how lucky I was to just have faith that everythings ok. What a beautiful thing and one I miss SO MUCH.
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 2, 2014 11:40:23 GMT
Also, forgot to say, this diary has helped me see a cycle of anxiety, leading to fog and depression, leading to a few good days and then anxiety again. Possibly hormonally exacerbated? It's difficult to say as my periods have only just come back and I'm co-sleeping and breastfeeding so theyre not regular yet. This is probably not helping matters....
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 2, 2014 11:42:42 GMT
Hope you're having lovely weekends, the sun helps! Xx
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Post by monica on Mar 2, 2014 22:53:41 GMT
Hi
I found that feeling physically brought the anxiety back on and can remember a cpn telling me this was common . Also she said that it was common for pmt to bring in symptoms even if you'd never had pmt prior to pni - this was the case for me. So having both is probably why you feel quite ill - poor you double whammy. I hope though that this pattern gives you some confidence that there are reasons why ur feeling so pants and ur not going downhill. Unfortunately blips are very much part of recovery process but should lessen in timex
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 9, 2014 16:31:16 GMT
I think this blip is fading.... Im feeling alot better. Now I need to get a handle on my fear about its return.... Its been a very positive week, Ive been to the health visitor and she was very supportive. Reassuring words and the promise of a PNI group after easter. I finally feel an element of support apart from my long suffering husband! Unfortunately, my decision to tell my sister how I'm feeling, backfired massively. Despite my asking her not to, she told my mum. My mum is someone who does not deal well with news like this and tends to make things a lot worse. True to form, she sent me an awful txt about how my PNI makes her feel inadequate and worried. I felt like the worst daughter after reading it, even though my rational brain was telling me to ignore it. I showed my husband who was really shocked and called her to ask her to re-think her reaction. I love him for that, its one less battle to fight on my own. I haven't heard from her since. I can't find the time to coax my mother out of toddler mode at the moment. My little boy is poorly with tonsillitus and an eye infection. Got to keep an eye on my exhaustion levels, I'm no good to anyone of Im a mess because of it. Thank you for all your support over the last few weeks, at times its been truly awful, scary and debilitating year but it made things better to know I could offload here! I glad I've found this website x
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Post by monica on Mar 10, 2014 14:32:34 GMT
Hi
How's ur liitle boy doing ! Hope he's over the worst of his illness. Hope you haven't been too sleep deprived . That can make you feel really pants!
Glad ur feeling better. Blips are the pits but honestly in time they become less intense and more manageable .
Have you spoken to your mum? Try to concentrate on yourself . You can't be responsible for her reactions. It's probably a shock.
Monica
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 11, 2014 21:27:29 GMT
It's been a weird and difficult few days. In and out of hospital with little one, hopefully we're past the worst and we can all start to get back to normal. Ive found the doctors and hospitals a massive trigger for anxiety. Also, seeing my babe so poorly has really scared me. My days have been filled with worry (about him) and having to give him medicine he hates. He's so tiny but he managed to fight off 3 grown women who were trying to take blood tests, it was so distressing for him and me. Meanwhile, my daughter and husband are having a lovely time together. Im so glad she's not missing out on her fun time and my husband works hard but I need some respite. Im ashamed to say Im jealous of his ability to just do simple stuff like go to the loo without having a very upset little boy following him. I can feel myself getting into a down headspace and I desperately dont want it. I hope things are better tomorrow. I keep telling myself that children recover so quickly and how good it will feel when he's better.
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Post by monica on Mar 11, 2014 21:34:56 GMT
Poor you! Your poor little boy ! Your reaction is quite normal - there's nothing worse than seeing your lo ill and that can be a trigger for anxiety. You must be shattered which also can make you feel worse. Hope you manage to catch up in sleep and rest and your lo makes a speedy recoveryx
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 18, 2014 13:57:24 GMT
Thanks hun, baby boy is better, thank goodness. It was horrible seeing him laid so low but he's certainly back to his cheeky self! Im cross with myself today. I still have a bit of a cold and its kicked off my anxiety big time. I saw the health visitor today and I just totally lied to her. I said I was fine/good/ better. Something in me just wouldn't let go of the truth. I hate it. I am angry with this illness, angry with myself. Its no way to live my life, for my children and partner to have to deal with me and my shit. Im so unmotivated today, I've got so much to do and I. Just. Can't. Get. Going. How can I get out of the habit of feeling like this? Im so sorry for being so negative xx
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Post by monica on Mar 18, 2014 22:30:52 GMT
Hi
Firstly don't be hard on yourself! Pni is cruel and horrible illness - but it's an illness and you can't blame yourself for feeling pants. I do understand your frustration though.
Try to give yourself little goals and try and achieve them even if its do washing up or something like that.also do something nice for yourself / you deserve a pick me up!
Are you able to go for a walk - a bit of exercise can help hugely.
You're a wonderful kind and caring lady who is going through a crappy blipx
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 25, 2014 18:09:24 GMT
Thank you for your thoughtfulness Monica. Every bit helps! The last few days I've been really struggling in the morning, before the school run, and at the kids teatime. Its always been a busy time but I've been on the verge of panic attacks everytime. Its horrible. My hubby is useless in the mornings and it feels like im getting 3 children ready. I've got to sort this out, if theres anything to feel anxious about, those are the times it reaches a peak. My health anxiety is especially awful at the moment. This I find really crippling, the thing I haven't found a coping strategy for...
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Post by monica on Mar 25, 2014 19:04:38 GMT
Hi
Peak times stressed me out too so ur not alone .
I got the impression ur hubby is around morning. Have to tried giving him specific tasks to do? Expecting men to second guess you is never going to happen! When I had pni I found that this worked quite well.
I too have health anxiety so get u there! It's very upsetting. Is there anything in particular that's worrying you!x
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 25, 2014 20:10:32 GMT
Oh Monica, what ISN'T worrying me! Every bump and bruise is cause for distress. At bad times my body is like the enemy...the irony thing is, I've never been happier with my body image. I actually like my body! But today the little bump in my mouth is my main concern. Of course my mind runs to the worse case senaro, Im super aware of everything. My rational side is actually laughing at how ridiculous this is and I've found it really helps to remember how I might have felt about things before the PNI. It often helps put things into perspective. I just want to get better so badly. Sometimes it feels like Im swimming upstream and I just need a break from my crazy monkey brain! I've been going to my local Buddhist centre for parent and child meditation. Its SO good. I realised a while ago I hadn't been for ages, I think during bad times I seem to deny myself things like that, maybe a part of me wants to save it for when Im feeling well?
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 25, 2014 20:14:03 GMT
Im sorry to hear you too suffer from the dreaded health anxiety, have you found any coping strategies yourself? xx
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Post by kmum on Mar 28, 2014 0:57:28 GMT
Oh my goodness your diary is a godsend to me! A relief to know I may be normal! It's like reading my own! Hope your having better day today. I can't sleep...again! On anti depressants and taken time off work after full melt down some weeks ago. Still not over the shock of how physically ill this can make me feel! Doing CBT and family shipped in and made aware of how bad I am! Like a weight off my shoulders. But with a little one and not knowing when il get better...I'm still afraid :-(
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