|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 25, 2014 11:24:18 GMT
So it has been very tough over the last few days. My mood has taken a nosedive and the anxiety has been unbearable. I came to my parents on Saturday for some respite but the panics were still horrendous. The self doubts and self loathing have been regularly present which does me in. On Sunday I had my first run of Morbid thoughts for at least six months. All I could think was that I can't cope and my head is too much. I got in the car and madly drove to our family house leaving f with my mum and dad. They didn't know where I had gone to and my dad eventually found me in a complete morbid state. I rang the mental health team who advised going home for a roast dinner! I spoke to my councillor about all of this yesterday and she says that I have punishing self beliefs especially thinking of myself as a mother. I'm also signed off work again because it was too much. I need to work though to support my son so I feel horrible. The dr has put me back on the risperidone which they had taken me off. He thinks it could have contributed towards my mood declining. Has anyone else had deep blips like this? I feel like I am back to square one and it scares me so much :-((
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Feb 26, 2014 9:55:13 GMT
Hi hun, I'm sorry I can't respond right now as am off out to work but promise I will get back on later...sending you big hugs xx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Feb 26, 2014 21:04:56 GMT
Hi
Poor you. Blips can be bad - hopefully once meds kick in u will pick up and can regroup so to speak. Well done in seeking help although if only a roast dinner could be that cure! Not the best advice!
How r u now?
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Feb 27, 2014 9:01:13 GMT
Hey, blips are horrible and feel so much worse when you've had a good run. Give the medication some time to work and please try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You've done all the right things by reaching out for help but don't be afraid to keep pestering people for their support. This blip will pass again xx
|
|
|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 27, 2014 16:19:01 GMT
So this week has been very hard because I feel like I have gone backwards so much. After Sunday's terrible day I haven't been back into work. I am on a new medication from the psychiatrist because she is worried that my mood is so low. I hope it will help. Hubby has been off today and yesterday so helping loads. He thinks that he needs to stop work to be here for F and I. He is very concerned that I am a danger to F and myself in my low moods. I don't want him to become unemployed because the money is vital for him and us. But the selfish part of me wants him around. I need to be strong and fight this horrible disease. It is hurting those around me and disabling me. Even going out to the shops sends me into a spiral of anxiety and self loathing. I just wish the pni would go away and let me lead a normal non ill life ?
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Feb 28, 2014 18:50:07 GMT
It will hun. Sometimes it can take a little while to find the right meds for you..give them some time to work and don't be afraid to rely on others around you to get you through this blip x
|
|
|
Post by monica on Mar 1, 2014 12:34:34 GMT
Hi
Don't feel bad for wanting support at this difficult time. You would mind help if ud broken your leg. Pni can be just as debilitating . Things WILL. pick up for you. As Jo said give it time for meds to kick in. Perhaps hubby could take s bit of leave ? Do you have anyone else who cud help out. There is also home start where a volunteer can help you out once a week. would you condider this?This is temporary dont forget . It will help you recover quickerx
|
|
|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Apr 22, 2014 10:54:46 GMT
So it is a long time since I posted on here. I have been through a rather enormous rollercoaster of emotions as a mum. My anxiety and depression got so bad that I tried to hurt myself and went back into hospital for three weeks. Felix has been living with his dad for the last month and I have moved back in with my parents. It is all just a rather horrendous mess. At the moment I feel like I will never be a fit mum for my son and actually he is better off not being with me. He came to visit last Thursday. We had a good day but I then got depressed and anxious after. I don't understand why I seem to get this retrospective anxiety. I mentally beat myself up that I am a failure and can't do anything.
|
|
|
Post by kmum on Apr 22, 2014 21:28:27 GMT
Oh RB you are having a horrendous time. The lows can be the worst black holes to get out of and your confidence reduces each time you go into them. I went through rough time with trying to get right meds but once I did it took 3 weeks before started feeling more normal. I can honestly say I feel like a different person than I was say 6 weeks ago! I came dangerously low and worried for my own safety. My family were drafted in to help and mum flew back from holiday to be here. I think the shock of it all is worst of all.
My best possible advice would be to gather all the support you can. Inform everyone of the situation and start on the meds. Take time off work and take each day as it comes. Only ever think of 2 days ahead at a time. Keep in good contact with your child and I promise, when you start to live day by day and relieve the pressure of the entire situation on yourself you will start to get better.
I know how hard it is to not see or be with your little one when it is the only thing in the world you want to be fit to do. Like it's your duty! But thing is....a month for a child is nothing!!! It's like a long holiday and it's the best thing you can do to get better. Every week write on a piece of paper the days of the week and plan every hour what you will do from 6am til midnight every day ....but only the two days ahead. Try to stick to what you plan and make sure you include mundane routine stuff like showering, laundry, eating and also fun/me time stuff like having long bath, reading book, watching Eastenders, spending quality few hours with your little one.
This was the suggestion from my Cognitive Behavioursl Counsellir as like you, too much entered my head at one time and I could cope with nothing as was overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, depression and worry. I remember telling my family I was a failure mum, failure wife and failure business partner!!! I just felt a burden and like id let everyone down! Now I can see more than anything it was the illness talking not me!
So please stick in there. Start writing a diary and ask GP if can see CBT counsellor. Best thing I ever did!
We are always here to listen, so keep chin up and remember you NEED this time to recover. It won't be long but only if you stop the pressure on yourself as this seems to be the main problem and will set you back more.
K
|
|
|
Post by kmum on Apr 22, 2014 21:40:19 GMT
Just read your first few posts. I see you like CBT and you also mentioned about feeling a burden to family. And that you seem to have had bonding type issues with son. It's funny how by reading others posts on the forum are like your own! That are all so close to one another yet it's amazing how many women new to PND don't know much about it and what is normal and symptomatic of the illness. But do try remember it's the illness that can make you feel the lack of connection with baby. Are you on meds??? Have these made any difference to your low mood?? If meds help this then you can deal with the rest. Let me know what your on?
|
|
|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Apr 23, 2014 10:38:02 GMT
Thank you for your message kmum. I am worried that I am immune to medication as have been on mine for a long time now and I still feel rubbish. I take sertraline and quitapine. I have just started seeing a psychologist who hopefully I can do some CBT work with. I just feel like I am emotionally retarded as I cannot cope with the anxiety of being a mum. Felix is better off with his dad as he loves him unconditionally rather than a mum who feels nothing but dread. I so want to get better but feel like I am not getting anywhere at the moment. It is like I just want to keep being mean to myself. Anyway time to stop moaning and do some housework.
|
|
|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Apr 23, 2014 19:03:53 GMT
Why is it that all my NCT friends are pregnant or have already had baby number two when I am still struggling with one. I could never envisage having another baby as I have been so ill. Why is it that I feel so gutted when I hear the news though?
|
|
|
Post by monica on Apr 24, 2014 5:44:01 GMT
Hey RB
It sounds like u have been through a horrendous time . Has hospital stay helped? how did u find it? Hugest hugs. Cbt is a brill technique so really hoping it can change those negative thought patterns .
I used to feel the way you do - a useless mum with nothing to offer my children other than tears , negativity but please believe me you are central to ur little mans life and it would destroy him not to have u in it.
This is such a cruel illness - when ur feeling so low and clouded by this negative view of urself it's hard not to see that u really are a wonderful , kind and loving mum .
Keeping talking xxx
|
|
|
Post by RaspberryBeret on Apr 24, 2014 15:44:07 GMT
So today has so far been a good day. I saw my care-coordinator this morning. She is lovely and a great person to chat to and for advice. My mood seems lighter which is great. I am hoping to have Felix to stay next weekend for my birthday. In response to Monica's question- yes I think that the stay in hospital did help. It enabled the dr to increase my medication and to supervise that. It sounds bizarre but it was a lovely place. The staff were so kind and the other patients where not at all scary. It was light bright and airy unlike the old image of psychiatric hospitals.
|
|
|
Post by kmum on Apr 24, 2014 22:53:39 GMT
Well that all sounds good. I agree with Monica on the CBT. I found it a lifesaver and still use the techniques every week. Seeing him tomorrow actually and always look forward to it as gets me on right track for week ahead!
Hope you have brill birthday but I also felt same with regards to thinking my little boy was gonna think I'm useless. I felt I'd let him down and that he could see my pain. But actually now I'm getting better I can see how wrong and completely warped that was!!! Hopefully the increased meds will help you think clearer and you will realise that literally no matter what, your child will not only need but also want you in their life. You are mummy full stop. Give yourself time to get better and you can make up for the past. My therapist asked me a few weeks ago how much more time I was gonna waste worrying about the past instead of enjoying my baby now!!!! As hard hitting as it was to hear...it did make me realise and iv def appreciated him so much more and find it a little easier to be mummy :-)
|
|