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Post by Weeble on Aug 9, 2014 8:38:50 GMT
Maybe you just want someone to care is that bad isn't that a basic human need
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Post by monica on Aug 9, 2014 17:46:25 GMT
Things sound positive on all fronts well done . So glad cbt is working - lots of ladies have found it a great tool. Ur coping really well with lots of things in ur life. U shud b v proud of urselfx
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Post by brach24 on Aug 9, 2014 23:35:22 GMT
Thanks for the encoursgement Yes I just want to be looked after and cared for - I'm just looking for it in the wrong places. I do think it's wrong to expect that from doc/gp/hv as I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I think it's linked to my chronic illness and also to the feelings of abandonment by mw at the birth. It's def also to do with my teenage years which were very difficult. I had to be very strong and responsible very young. Is it normal to still want to be looked after in your 30s - not many folk are - most of us are the ones in positions of responsibility with no one taking care of us. I often look at older folk (80+) and wonder if they still miss their parents. Sorry the thoughts are a bit random tonight - just trying to understand myself so I know why I react the way I do.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 10, 2014 6:23:41 GMT
What you say resonates with me too I am desperate at times for someone to be kind for me and care for me. my parents are in their seventies and I know they miss their parent Hope you have a good day today
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Post by brach24 on Aug 11, 2014 20:13:49 GMT
Just heard a good friend, one of the few who looked after me more than i do them, has for cancer really gutted for her and her family. I wish I was over this pni so I could be helpful. I would have organised a rota for lifts and meals and sent thoughtful gifts and I just find all those things terrifyingly difficult just now. I managed to email her which I'm proud of myself for. Normally I get too anxious hat I've said something wrong and can't send them! Just feeling like I've been kicked in the tummy. Poor girl.
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Post by monica on Aug 12, 2014 8:09:50 GMT
I'm so sorry about your friend. How is she (I'm assuming it's a she) doing? You are a wonderful friend and even sending emails can be so uplifting . I know this illness can be hugely frustrating but ur moving forward x
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Post by Weeble on Aug 12, 2014 19:33:15 GMT
So sad and troubling I totally relate to what you say about notes gifts etc I am exactly the same.
K
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Post by brach24 on Aug 12, 2014 22:50:58 GMT
I've been really anxious and low today. Got bloods taken this morning and was horribly on edge before and then almost fainted after. I had to leave my car at surgery and walk home. Went in to work for my first full day back and was a real mess. My boss could tell and told me to go home if I need to. I settled down once the office quietened down and managed to get quite a lot done - I enjoyed working with numbers and spreadsheets. Never thought I'd say that but there's safety there - compared to working with people which just feels so scary to me still. I didn't tell anyone about my friend. I knew I would get upset if I tried to talk about it. I'm thinking the best thing I can do is keep out of the road. I don't want her to have to comfort me and I couldn't keep it together for her just now. I'm so sad. I know others are saying reassuring things but I'm just gutted and can't hide it. I'll pray for her but i think I should keep away. When I was at gp this morning I found myself wishing id bump in to my hv. Think it's just because she's always so comforting. Didn't like feeling like that though - don't want to turn into a stalker!! :/ Today was def a bad day - trying to see it as a blip not a crash.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 13, 2014 21:42:45 GMT
Well done you I found work anchored me to. It's ok to ring your hv and fix an appointment pni.is their.thing
K
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Post by brach24 on Aug 14, 2014 3:21:24 GMT
Thanks k, I have a real struggle working out what is an appropriate response and what is just madness. I know I'd love to have my hv over every day - she makes me feel cared for and listens well. I also know that's extreme so obviously would never ask, think or expect it. My cbt lady thinks I'm looking to medical professionals to fill the gap of missing love from my mum as a teenager. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that fully but I do think I care what they think too much and want their attention too much. Ironically I get afraid of the feeling and it makes me stay away from the lot of them. It's really hard to process. Been awake for last few hours and am supposed to start work at 7.30 :/ going to be a long day!!!!
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Post by Weeble on Aug 14, 2014 9:14:34 GMT
I have similar conflicted feelings it emerged for me after I had my second son mine seems to be caused by my husbands habit of not be around when I want most
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Post by brach24 on Aug 15, 2014 7:53:25 GMT
Thanks for sharing that k, have felt like a complete weirdo over this. My cbt is cancelled today. Won't see her till 29th now. Disappointed but glad of the free time. I was on edge yesterday but managed quite a lot. Felt good. Hope today feels better.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 15, 2014 18:27:58 GMT
You gave me insight into my wierd feelings to thanks
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Post by brach24 on Aug 16, 2014 23:06:50 GMT
What a day. Had to clear out the spare room, clean the house and had friends over. Ended up getting takeaway instead of cooking a meal as my anxiety was through the roof. I have my mum coming to live with us for a bit until she gets a place of her own near us. She's coming to help but I'm getting really stressed out about looking after her. It's a throw back to my childhood and I know I need to stop it but I get mega tense if I think I might upset her even in the smallest way. I think it comes across quite patronising to her - she says "I'm a big girl I'll manage" and other similar things so think she wants me to back off. It's just hard to change a relationship dynamic that's always been. I love her loads and hope we can work out a healthy way to interact and be as I really want this to work out well for everyone. I also need to get rid of my guilt about her giving up her life and friends etc to come and live near me to help me out. I have thoughts about her friends all talking about me saying how selfish I am and how horrible it is of me that I'm forcing her to do it. It's stupid really as most of her friends are lovely and I know I'm not forcing her. I obviously care too much what they think. The ones I can picture saying it are the ones that told me I was selfish for leaving home when I did all those years ago. Maybe I need to process that a bit. Too sleep tonight though. Hoping I sleep right through instead of my usual 4am wide awakeness!
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Post by quantumrose on Aug 17, 2014 6:49:18 GMT
Hi B, how did you sleep? It's a tricky thing, not caring what people think, or at least, hearing what people have to say and knowing that you're in the right, especially if someone else is talking out of their bottoms! I think its possibly part of the PNI package because I too yearn for the return of the 'courage of my convictions'. Don't doubt yourself sweetie, you're wonderful and deserve the help and support your mum is offering 100%. These things eb and flow and it sounds like you help her out too xxxx
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