Post by charlotte1990 on Jul 24, 2014 7:32:13 GMT
Going to start my diary. Think it may help me to get all my thoughts out of my head before bed everyday.
My pregnancy started well. I only had morning sickness once. When I had the 12 week scan they said my placenta was blocking the way and I would have to have a scan at 36 weeks to see if it had moved.
At 20 weeks we went on holiday where my boyfriend asked me to marry him. He looked so good looking and scared when he asked me. I felt so blessed. I had our baby inside me and the perfect ring. The placenta had moved and I could have a natural birth.
I gave birth to my little boy in October 2013. I had to be induced due to high blood pressure and my baby was not growing inside me. That's when the worrying really started. The birth was really good it happened so fast. They induced me on Monday morning and told me not to expect the baby to arrive until Tuesday/Wednesday. I started having pains straight away. The midwife told me it was just a side effect of the pessary and to go for a walk. These pains continued all day and got more intense. Everytime I told the midwife she said its not contractions just side effects. At 10pm she told my boyfriend to go home and let me sleep. I knew I couldn't sleep I was having these pains every 5 minutes. I started to feel like I needed to push and finally the midwife checked me and said oh yes the baby's on his way you are ready to push! My boyfriend had stayed with me thank goodness but they had to ring my mum who I wanted at the birth too to rush back up to the hospital and she arrived as the head was coming out. I suppose I felt half proud/half mad that I had managed with no pain relief but not believed by the midwife. I can't remember pain from the birth in fact it seems like it was easy. The stitches hurt more after. Joshua was born a tiny 4 pounds 11. They fetched him premature baby clothes to keep him warm. I can remember feeling angry at myself it was my fault he was small - I had struggled with eating disorders for 7 years and I felt because I had watched my weight through pregnancy i was a bad mum more bothered about getting fat.
The week that followed was awful. The birth really was the easy part. Joshua went from strength to strength he slept well, he fed well, he was really content and put plenty of weight on. He was ready for home well before me. I developed preeclampsia. Everyday I had blood pressure monitors strapped to my arm every 30 minutes even through the night. I got no sleep. They took my baby away thinking I might sleep better but I didn't I was too worried. I was so down I cried non stop and begged to go home. They put me on 4 lots of bp tablets and that stabilised it. After a week they let me home.
At home I had the midwife visiting me every day to take my blood pressure. I was terrified they were going to cart me back off to hospital. Joshua had really bad colic he would choke on his sick if we didn't wind him properly. It was very tiring feeds took so long because we would have to wind him for ages before he could go to sleep otherwise we would wake to him choking. It was scary I often ended up in tears when I was alone with him scared to leave his side. We got him some Infacol and eventually it settled down.
My blood pressure was still high when I went for a check up with the hospital. The doctor said I would have to have a 24 hour monitor on and some blood tests. Started to feel hopeless that I was going to always be on tablets and it was never going to go down.
Around this time one day I was looking through facebook and I saw a video there was a woman and a baby. I don't know why I clicked on it I never should have watched it. The woman was beating this poor little baby. I was mortified. I ran upstairs and cried for a good few hours. I couldn't get it out of my head it just kept playing over and over and making me cry. Everytime I looked at my baby I'd see it happening to him. I couldn't understand how someone could hurt a baby. I felt so much anger and upset over it. Over the next few weeks I couldn't stop thinking about it. When my grandma took josh for a walk I couldn't settle I thought she was going to hurt him or he would get attacked by a dog or kidnapped. The world had become a very scary place to me.
One day I was thinking about the facebook video and instead it was me that was hurting my baby. I felt disgusted I knew I could never hurt him but why was I thinking about it. I hated myself I didn't know who I was anymore.
One day when josh was around 5 months I was out and my heart felt like it did a double beat. It was strange and it took my breath away. This happened a couple more times and then I kept having chest pains. I burst into tears and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong. I said I don't know I just don't feel right. I thought it was my blood pressure but I was still on tablets and it was ok when I checked it. The next day I felt so exhausted I was ironing and could feel my eyes shutting. I had to go to bed. When I woke the next day my head felt so heavy and full of pressure I couldn't get out of bed for more than an hour. I went to my doctor he told me he thought it was anxiety and depression and asked me questions about my baby. I told him it wasn't I would be fine if I felt ok. He said he would chase up the results from the hospital because I had had the 24 hour monitor done in January it was now March and not heard from them. I was sent home. My vision started to feel strange I thought I was going blind or mad I couldn't remember what I was doing. I'd never felt panic like it my heart was beating so hard, I couldn't sleep until around 4am even though I was so tired and I'd wake up with my chest sore. After a week I went to A&E. They did blood tests and an ECG all were normal.
The next day I received my results from the bp test. Turns out I had normal blood pressure at home over 24 hours and should not have been left on medication for so long. I instantly stopped taking tablets. I should have cut them down but I didn't I thought they were making me feel ill. After this I had a couple of good days I felt pretty normal. I went to work for my return to work interview where I was told I could only go back full time and not part time. I felt heartbroken that I'd worked my arse off there for the last 8 years and I didn't want to put my son in nursery 5 days a week I knew I wouldn't cope. I would have to pack in my job. I was so upset I really got myself in a state. My boyfriend told me we would be fine I would stay at home look after Joshua and eventually look for something part time when I felt better. I was still worrying about it but didn't know why because I never enjoyed my job anyway it was very stressful but I was scared about telling them I wasn't going back because they were all family friends I knew I would see them all again.
From then my head just felt shocking. I felt foggy and spaced out. I even forgot to change my baby's nappy one day and when my mum asked me if I had changed him I broke down. I thought I had dementia starting at 24 I was a complete mess. My head felt so fuzzy. My vision was strange outside in the distance everything looked a bit out of focus and different abit dream like. Also I developed black floaters and my eyes felt sensitive to light. I had headaches, sore throat constantly, IBS, tingly numb hands and sometime legs and arms, runny nose all the time, constantly tired could sleep for England and still be shattered and I started to feel dizzy - not so much outside but inside I felt constantly off balance with dizzy spells inbetween.
I was constantly at the doctors. They checked my thyroid and other blood tests all normal. The worry really set in. I went to Ibiza and it was awful everytime I looked at my baby I cried I was so scared everyday googling my symptoms (the worse thing you can do) and asking my family for reassurance. I had no interest in looking after josh just wanted him to sleep all day. I couldn't relax everytime I walked into town around lots of people I got chest pains and felt like my breath was taken away. As soon as I got back I went to the doctors. They referred me to see a neurologist but they still said they thought the neurologist wouldn't help me because all these symptoms together weren't really a sign of any illness just a mismatch of symptoms. They started me on citalapram. I started to hate seeing other mums I wanted to feel like they did normal doing normal things getting on with it not full of worry. In reality they could have felt the same as me but I was jealous. My health anxiety reached a high. I analysed everything people said to me everything I saw from magpies to words in a book were related to me and I thought in my head it meant bad look. I stopped watching the news or morning tv because when they were talking about diseases I thought I had them all. I can remember watching coronation street and Tina had been killed and I couldn't hear the word dead in it I kept covering my ears. Absolutely nuts I know I sound like a complete loony. I also developed OCD things had to be straight or feel right.
I then found this website and for the first time I could relate to other mums. There was hope. I constantly read the symptoms pages and I found my symptoms on there. Also I spoke to some people and for the first time felt someone knew how I felt. I started counselling. I have been on anti d's for 4 weeks now. I have felt a little better and had some good days but also some bad days. The dizziness is bothering me at the minute because it's constant. I saw the neurologist last week and she did a lot of tests on me all normal but she is going to send me for a scan. Also she took more bloods and I have got to have a 24 hour ECG. I am worried about it but I'm hoping with every bone in my body and praying that this is Postnatal illness. So here goes my diary .....
My pregnancy started well. I only had morning sickness once. When I had the 12 week scan they said my placenta was blocking the way and I would have to have a scan at 36 weeks to see if it had moved.
At 20 weeks we went on holiday where my boyfriend asked me to marry him. He looked so good looking and scared when he asked me. I felt so blessed. I had our baby inside me and the perfect ring. The placenta had moved and I could have a natural birth.
I gave birth to my little boy in October 2013. I had to be induced due to high blood pressure and my baby was not growing inside me. That's when the worrying really started. The birth was really good it happened so fast. They induced me on Monday morning and told me not to expect the baby to arrive until Tuesday/Wednesday. I started having pains straight away. The midwife told me it was just a side effect of the pessary and to go for a walk. These pains continued all day and got more intense. Everytime I told the midwife she said its not contractions just side effects. At 10pm she told my boyfriend to go home and let me sleep. I knew I couldn't sleep I was having these pains every 5 minutes. I started to feel like I needed to push and finally the midwife checked me and said oh yes the baby's on his way you are ready to push! My boyfriend had stayed with me thank goodness but they had to ring my mum who I wanted at the birth too to rush back up to the hospital and she arrived as the head was coming out. I suppose I felt half proud/half mad that I had managed with no pain relief but not believed by the midwife. I can't remember pain from the birth in fact it seems like it was easy. The stitches hurt more after. Joshua was born a tiny 4 pounds 11. They fetched him premature baby clothes to keep him warm. I can remember feeling angry at myself it was my fault he was small - I had struggled with eating disorders for 7 years and I felt because I had watched my weight through pregnancy i was a bad mum more bothered about getting fat.
The week that followed was awful. The birth really was the easy part. Joshua went from strength to strength he slept well, he fed well, he was really content and put plenty of weight on. He was ready for home well before me. I developed preeclampsia. Everyday I had blood pressure monitors strapped to my arm every 30 minutes even through the night. I got no sleep. They took my baby away thinking I might sleep better but I didn't I was too worried. I was so down I cried non stop and begged to go home. They put me on 4 lots of bp tablets and that stabilised it. After a week they let me home.
At home I had the midwife visiting me every day to take my blood pressure. I was terrified they were going to cart me back off to hospital. Joshua had really bad colic he would choke on his sick if we didn't wind him properly. It was very tiring feeds took so long because we would have to wind him for ages before he could go to sleep otherwise we would wake to him choking. It was scary I often ended up in tears when I was alone with him scared to leave his side. We got him some Infacol and eventually it settled down.
My blood pressure was still high when I went for a check up with the hospital. The doctor said I would have to have a 24 hour monitor on and some blood tests. Started to feel hopeless that I was going to always be on tablets and it was never going to go down.
Around this time one day I was looking through facebook and I saw a video there was a woman and a baby. I don't know why I clicked on it I never should have watched it. The woman was beating this poor little baby. I was mortified. I ran upstairs and cried for a good few hours. I couldn't get it out of my head it just kept playing over and over and making me cry. Everytime I looked at my baby I'd see it happening to him. I couldn't understand how someone could hurt a baby. I felt so much anger and upset over it. Over the next few weeks I couldn't stop thinking about it. When my grandma took josh for a walk I couldn't settle I thought she was going to hurt him or he would get attacked by a dog or kidnapped. The world had become a very scary place to me.
One day I was thinking about the facebook video and instead it was me that was hurting my baby. I felt disgusted I knew I could never hurt him but why was I thinking about it. I hated myself I didn't know who I was anymore.
One day when josh was around 5 months I was out and my heart felt like it did a double beat. It was strange and it took my breath away. This happened a couple more times and then I kept having chest pains. I burst into tears and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong. I said I don't know I just don't feel right. I thought it was my blood pressure but I was still on tablets and it was ok when I checked it. The next day I felt so exhausted I was ironing and could feel my eyes shutting. I had to go to bed. When I woke the next day my head felt so heavy and full of pressure I couldn't get out of bed for more than an hour. I went to my doctor he told me he thought it was anxiety and depression and asked me questions about my baby. I told him it wasn't I would be fine if I felt ok. He said he would chase up the results from the hospital because I had had the 24 hour monitor done in January it was now March and not heard from them. I was sent home. My vision started to feel strange I thought I was going blind or mad I couldn't remember what I was doing. I'd never felt panic like it my heart was beating so hard, I couldn't sleep until around 4am even though I was so tired and I'd wake up with my chest sore. After a week I went to A&E. They did blood tests and an ECG all were normal.
The next day I received my results from the bp test. Turns out I had normal blood pressure at home over 24 hours and should not have been left on medication for so long. I instantly stopped taking tablets. I should have cut them down but I didn't I thought they were making me feel ill. After this I had a couple of good days I felt pretty normal. I went to work for my return to work interview where I was told I could only go back full time and not part time. I felt heartbroken that I'd worked my arse off there for the last 8 years and I didn't want to put my son in nursery 5 days a week I knew I wouldn't cope. I would have to pack in my job. I was so upset I really got myself in a state. My boyfriend told me we would be fine I would stay at home look after Joshua and eventually look for something part time when I felt better. I was still worrying about it but didn't know why because I never enjoyed my job anyway it was very stressful but I was scared about telling them I wasn't going back because they were all family friends I knew I would see them all again.
From then my head just felt shocking. I felt foggy and spaced out. I even forgot to change my baby's nappy one day and when my mum asked me if I had changed him I broke down. I thought I had dementia starting at 24 I was a complete mess. My head felt so fuzzy. My vision was strange outside in the distance everything looked a bit out of focus and different abit dream like. Also I developed black floaters and my eyes felt sensitive to light. I had headaches, sore throat constantly, IBS, tingly numb hands and sometime legs and arms, runny nose all the time, constantly tired could sleep for England and still be shattered and I started to feel dizzy - not so much outside but inside I felt constantly off balance with dizzy spells inbetween.
I was constantly at the doctors. They checked my thyroid and other blood tests all normal. The worry really set in. I went to Ibiza and it was awful everytime I looked at my baby I cried I was so scared everyday googling my symptoms (the worse thing you can do) and asking my family for reassurance. I had no interest in looking after josh just wanted him to sleep all day. I couldn't relax everytime I walked into town around lots of people I got chest pains and felt like my breath was taken away. As soon as I got back I went to the doctors. They referred me to see a neurologist but they still said they thought the neurologist wouldn't help me because all these symptoms together weren't really a sign of any illness just a mismatch of symptoms. They started me on citalapram. I started to hate seeing other mums I wanted to feel like they did normal doing normal things getting on with it not full of worry. In reality they could have felt the same as me but I was jealous. My health anxiety reached a high. I analysed everything people said to me everything I saw from magpies to words in a book were related to me and I thought in my head it meant bad look. I stopped watching the news or morning tv because when they were talking about diseases I thought I had them all. I can remember watching coronation street and Tina had been killed and I couldn't hear the word dead in it I kept covering my ears. Absolutely nuts I know I sound like a complete loony. I also developed OCD things had to be straight or feel right.
I then found this website and for the first time I could relate to other mums. There was hope. I constantly read the symptoms pages and I found my symptoms on there. Also I spoke to some people and for the first time felt someone knew how I felt. I started counselling. I have been on anti d's for 4 weeks now. I have felt a little better and had some good days but also some bad days. The dizziness is bothering me at the minute because it's constant. I saw the neurologist last week and she did a lot of tests on me all normal but she is going to send me for a scan. Also she took more bloods and I have got to have a 24 hour ECG. I am worried about it but I'm hoping with every bone in my body and praying that this is Postnatal illness. So here goes my diary .....