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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 7, 2015 15:47:33 GMT
Oh dear, so sorry you are going through this horrible time. I just wanted to tell you my experience, which is probably more like your wife's point of view. During my time suffering with pni, the problems in my marriage seemed to be magnified and as I started on the road to recovery I began to question what it was I really wanted from my life. Some days I hated my husband with a passion and noticed every little failing (how it seemed at the time) those little habits we all have that annoy our other half's but the ones we usually tolerate. These all seemed a million times more annoying and frustrating. Many times I wanted to walk away, a few years back I even did (there were other issues - job loss, death of my dad etc) I suppose what I'm trying to say is that when we aren't in our 'normal' frame of mind we do everything possible to escape the feelings we have that we don't like. It could be possible that this is what your wife is doing? If your marriage was strong and good before your girls were born I'd be willing to put money on the the fact that she doesn't really want to separate or divorce, she just wants the feelings to stop! I'd keep doing what you are doing, don't react, and just make sure you keep supporting and loving her the way you have. You really are one in a million! It would have been so easy to just walk away. Keep talking x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 9, 2015 13:03:31 GMT
sarajay28, that's a really helpful reply. thank you. I hope you are right. today she said she wants an answer when I get home on Sunday, off to see my eldest this weekend. She apparently has an appointment with a solicitor on Wednesday. I cold have given her an answer now, i.e. I'm doing nothing. but thought about it and want to have a couple of days away before being sure. I think my answer will be the same. I don't want to leave my girls, or even their mum. She might disagree. You are absolutely right, all the things, the small things you forgive and ignore when things are going well in a marriage are keenly exaggerated with the depression. every little thing becomes a huge issue. watch this space.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 9, 2015 15:32:19 GMT
I think you are absolutely right to leave it a few days. Go enjoy the weekend with your son and just keep doing what you are doing. Fingers crossed for you. It's a tough tough road to be on! X
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Post by Weeble on Jan 10, 2015 21:55:10 GMT
How are things? Sounds like you are having a tough time?
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 12, 2015 14:18:00 GMT
Basically I had a great weekend away but continued to get little out of my wife, very few updates on the twins when I checked how they were doing. Now home I'm getting silent treatment. I told her my answer was no decision, no change my side. I want to be where the twins are and married her for better or worse. Christening next week. Working from home, she just put the twins down for a nap, threw the monitors at me and left. didn't even ask if I could keep an eye on them when working. sigh.
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Post by Anonimouse on Jan 12, 2015 14:22:46 GMT
to be very honest, I don't know how much longer I can continue to be her verbal punchbag, I'm not sure how much more I can handle, everybody has a limit and it gets closer and closer. I guess that's what she wants, me to leave. I feel pretty shattered. Just what am I doing?
sorry for outpouring but I'm questioning myself more and more.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 12, 2015 15:01:21 GMT
You have coped extremely well under the circumstances so it's no wonder you now feel near your limit, like you say everybody has one! I agree that she is pushing you, she can't get you to take her desired action so is trying everything possible to break you. I know it's not what you want but it might be worth seeking advice yourself on where you stand should she continue to push you to breaking point. It might give you a little more strength to fight if you know your rights etc etc. In the meantime have you any outside support? Family? Friends? Counsellor? Keep talking, we'll do our best to listen/advise x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 13, 2015 8:31:28 GMT
You guys have helped enormously, just a channel for me to say what is on my mind and get feedback from people who are 'on the other side of this' is invaluable.
I took some legal advice about 3 months back when she first threatened divorce. Men have a lot less rights than we should concerning the children. I have a good friend supporting me and my mum tries to. I was seeing a counsellor but this stopped when it stopped being free. Most of my oldest friends and my family are a fair way away from where I live so I have taken some solace in my cycling and climbing, hobbies I have.
I obviously know my wife well and suspect she will continue to push, even if I don't move out and file for divorce she will make life awful and maybe to the point I have to leave for my sanity and maybe even my safely. Her violence in my throwing dinner plate across the room last week still shocks me. It was so sudden. So unexpected. I guess she has a lot of pent up anger and frustration and I'm the one she's taking it out on.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 13, 2015 16:08:57 GMT
I'm so glad you have support around you and hobbies! I suspect these things are keeping you going at the minute. I'm also glad you find this place a help, I know I did (and still do) Yes it certainly seems like she is full of anger and frustration. I hope with time she can deal with these feelings. As for your rights, it's such an unequal world we live in. You have done your utmost to ensure your children don't suffer I only hope that should a separation occur you get what you deserve. Keep talking x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 14, 2015 10:08:07 GMT
I've realised, and sometimes I am a bit slow, that her pain at the moment is probably exaggerated by her depression. So everything seems worse than it really is. This includes the things she doesn't like about me, about her marriage and her position in life, her anger at herself. Her counselling finished before xmas and now I think she is largely only supported by her meds which really isn't enough. I worry that shes slipped back a little and cant see it herself and the last person she will want to hear it from is me. Does that sounds right to those of you who went through this from the other side?
Now I need to find a way to encourage her to get help ... I would do it through her family and friends but feel they are thick as thieves and tell her everything. Hmmm. Maybe after the christening.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 14, 2015 16:40:15 GMT
Yes it sounds exactly right, I think I wrote something similar a few posts ago. I think speaking to her friends, maybe not family so much, is a good idea. They will want her to be better too. Do they know the true extent of what's been going on? If not then I'd tell them. Good luck x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 20, 2015 8:29:31 GMT
The girls were christened. because of my wifes pig headedness only two members of my family were 'allowed', my daughter and mum. So this event passed, largely without incident although both girls cried and cried and cried. So last night once I got home from the airport and the girls were asleep, I tried to discuss this all with my wife, I went in with the approach of saying I still love her, still want to help, still want to be daddy to the twins and bring them up. Her stance is pretty much the same. Divorce me or live with me in this grand house separately. She gave no ground, no indication of any compromise or reconciliation. A few times the discussion became a little nasty as was sort of inevitable. She seems very focused on the house, to me the house is nothing without a family but she seems focused on the money. Disappointing. I reached out to her, said Id do counselling/mediation, whatever... I made the point that I think she needs more treatment. She laughed and said she isn't depressed and doesnt need it. Hmmm.
Talking to her friends is pretty much a blind alley, I tried that with her best friend and got a 'no, not going to talk to you'. I guess sides are already being lined up.
So I agreed to the living seperate lives in the same house. I don't want to leave my girls to be frank. Now, I also know she cold make my life hell living in the same house. SO I also tried to defuse this by putting some rules in place for us to agree on. She could really make life hard and almost force me to want to leave. She can be a stubborn nasty mule if she wants to be. Hopefully the rules take some of the heat out of it.
So ... what do I do next. I truly don't have a clue. The above agreement is the short term and I said this, its not indefinite, I said to her I wont rush into anything. I wont live a lie for long and she knows it, not me. I dont think the marriage is going to be saved, her friends are a closed door, her family is Mediterranean, thick as thieves, closed door. Shes stubborn and can be nasty. I love my girls. Part of me thinks she needs a reality check. Part of me wants complete custody of the girls and to move to a small place and be with them all the time. I truly now have no idea where life will go.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 20, 2015 11:47:19 GMT
Oh I feel so much sadness reading your post. It's heartbreaking to feel backed into a corner as you do. I suppose from a woman's point of view, all she has got is the house (I can't remember if you said she worked before?) so to her that is her security blanket, she needs that to continue her life as she wants it. She probably feels that you work, you have an income, you can afford to start again effectively whereas she can't. That's my guess anyway.
She is definitely in denial, I'm going through similar with my husband at the minute, and wow it is draining. I too, at my most un-rational, denied I was depressed. I don't think it's something any of us ever want to admit. Admitting it is like failure. I suppose you have to take a step back and look after yourself and the girls and hope that one day she asks for your help. I hope you manage some kind of decent existence, living in the same house. It will be tough, but you are stronger than you realise. Take things slow and steady, look after yourself and then who knows???
Please keep talking to us here, we're always around to listen and support x
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 20, 2015 11:47:39 GMT
Oh and congratulations on the girls christening x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 20, 2015 13:24:44 GMT
very kind as always. We have the house but she still has her flat around the corner, its rented out but it could be a bolt hole for her if she wanted. I have a small house 350 miles away so that's not viable. Both of those properties were places we owned separately before we got married and we just rented them out. She was self employed, a mobile beautician and all her clients were long standing regulars, it would be very easy for her to do it again if she had to. Sadly she has a stubborn streak and would happily cut off her nose to spite her face. I cant see, even if the depression lifted, she'd ever come back to ask for a reconciliation. To much pride in her. Combined with being stubborn/selfish. She does have nice qualities, honest guv. I'm not meaning to be nasty but she is the above and it would be a shock if she didnt act this way in this situation. I have no idea what I'm going to do, probably my action is again no action ... for now. I dont want to loose contact with the girls, they are just the best.
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