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Post by monica on Jan 20, 2015 16:02:09 GMT
I really feel for you. You've have been hugely supportive , understanding and patient . It sounds as if you're wife is transferring all her issues from this illness onto you as the cause of it all.
May be its time you saw a solicitor to see what your rights are if your wife is adamant on a separation. It's sad you can't talk to her family and friends about this. If this is what she wants well there's Alot of talking that needs to be done about arrangements etc and it sounds like she doesn't want to do that..
Keep talkingx
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 21, 2015 8:48:20 GMT
Well I was home alone last night as she'd taken the girls to her mums for the night and is staying there tonight. The house feels empty without them, miss them. So I stuck on a box set and had a glass of whiskey. A me night. I made a decision to stay in the house as long as I can. I saw a solicitor last year and was told that moving out ever so slightly is seen as a tactical weakness by courts, but in the long run doesn't greatly reduce my position in regards the house. Just slightly. I think from memory the person filing for divorce is seen as the protagonist and thus the courts look at the other party as needing more help and slightly side with them. So the decision is easy, I want to stay there for the girls but also it coincidentally is the better thing to do if the poo hits the fan. I guess I also sort of wishfully think with time she might get more help and come around. I think I'm over optimistic. Either way I'm not going to be rushed to make choices quickly off the cuff. Not sure what else to say.
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Post by monica on Jan 21, 2015 9:39:57 GMT
You're being very pragmatic and I think that's good. I hope ur wife sees the light so to speak but in all of this you do have to think of yourselfx
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 27, 2015 13:39:02 GMT
Jekyll and Hyde. Came back from her mums sweetness and light. Now even more confused.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 27, 2015 15:51:30 GMT
Oh wow talk about mind games! No wonder you are confused x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jan 29, 2015 13:10:06 GMT
When she returned she was almost her old self bar the fact we are not together as a couple. She even discussed a holiday for us with the girls and wanted me to come, I could guess that's to help take them and also to pay. Which I have now booked. She wants to go to her parents home abroad in the med. I'll fly out with her and then fly back with them and spend the first and last weeks of a four week period with them... I have arranged anything in between these weeks, might say but not with them or come home, partly depends on work. All very odd.
Very mixed messages. Maybe our agreeing to live separately but with the girls has just taken the pressure off and shes relaxed. Who knows. I certainly haven't a clue.
So whats next? Good question for me. I have no answer. I see where life takes us for the next month or so and watch and wait and stay with my girls.
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Post by monica on Jan 29, 2015 15:43:44 GMT
Hi
The uncertainty for you must be hard. Maybe at the risk of ur wife flying off the handles, at an opportune moment ask her what she wants?
ibvioudly hoping that slowly and surely ur wife recovers and sees the light so to speak. Keep looking after urselfx
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Post by Weeble on Feb 22, 2015 22:27:57 GMT
Oh dear so tough
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by monica on Feb 24, 2015 17:45:13 GMT
How is life ?x
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Post by AnoniMouse on Apr 28, 2015 8:14:05 GMT
I know I know, its been ages, months. Sorry. I moved job so moved laptop and lost the bookmark and have been too busy to think about an update. Its now nearly May, so 11 months since the girls arrived. What a year. So, how are things? Well in all honesty very settled, the girls are great, trying to walk, trying to talk, the routine is a well oiled machine most of the time. One of them continues to say Duck, its not daddy or mummy but Duck, ha. As for my relationship with my wife its ordinary, thats to say no friction, settled, friendly, its ok. but just ok. We have very little relationship beyond this. Some might say this is great but i disagree. Its bearable but that doesnt mean its what 'we' should be. I've tried wining and dining, I've tried the flowers approach and I've tried the 'maybe we should do counselling'... it hasnt helped. She says shes hung up on me leaving her at the hospital that day and doesnt trust me.
I feel like I need some leverage to move her towards resolving this in her head but dont know how.
People were right, you have to give it 12 months. So, notionally I give it till our holiday to see if she can find her own way without me cajoling her. Then I might consider a more pro active approach. Its almost like I will have to force the issue somehow. Shes had long enough to come to terms with it and might need a push. I hope not.
Again, this site has been great to act as my sounding board and keep myself balanced. Thx all.
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Post by monica on Apr 29, 2015 11:52:24 GMT
Great to hear from you and things are stable between you and your wife and of course that the girls are well. I really admire your patience and understanding during what I imagine has been the most difficult year for you.
Since ur last pist things do seem to have improved with ur wife . Last time I think she wanted you both to separate . So perhaps slowly but surely she is recovering .
I think ur plan to wait a little longer then push the issue of the relationship is a good one. It must be hard without that mutual connection. I guess you don't know what she is thinking either but co existing isn't fair on you.
Do you two have anytime together? Evenings out maybe an overnighter without the girls? Is that doable. It's hard enough with one never mind two to make time for one another .
Good luck with it - fingers crossed it's onwards and upwards for you bothx
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Post by AnoniMouse on May 19, 2015 14:22:46 GMT
Thanks Monica, good sage advise. We have the family holiday coming in June and she acknowledges that me and her need some quality time together. The holiday is at her parents home in the med, they will be around and both love looking after the girls and have said they want us to both go out together every night. Whilst we wont be quite doing that my wife has agreed we will get some time to perhaps see if we can reconnect. My fingers and toes are crossed. I'm not sure how much more patience I honestly have.
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Post by AnoniMouse on Jul 20, 2015 6:46:42 GMT
A minor, and possibly the last update. The holiday was great, the girls are just so gorgeous, love them to pieces. The main update is that me and my wife are much better, we even went out and had date nights and my treat of decent champers and a five star hotel worked a treat. I dont assume this means things are fixed fully, things wont go back to what they were, they are new days, different, but as long as the core is whole the rest we can build. My advice to men looking for advice is think about this in terms of months and years. There is no quick fix, it isnt an overnight recovery. Slowly slowly.
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Post by monica on Jul 20, 2015 10:27:46 GMT
Wow I think that's a major update! It's such wonderful news . Ur wife sounds so much better and of course as a couple you both need quality time. Maybe at some point in the future you can both discuss the events surrounding the PNI maybe to get everything put in the open? If course that's ur decision and I guess it may not be the right one for everyone.
I really admire you for your tenacity and commitment during what I have no doubt must have been the darkest hours , weeks and months of your life. Many many men would have left and I don't think anyone would have blamed you for doing so.
Do keep in touch x
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 20, 2015 12:47:13 GMT
How fantastic to read ? I'm so pleased you decided to stick it out and be in it for the long haul. So many men don't and I think your advice is invaluable. Obviously things will never be the same for you as a couple, you now have these 2 little angels as part of the equation. But hopefully things will continue to improve for you both to the point where you are both happy. So Happy things have gone in the direction you hoped. Do keep in touch x
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