Emily's Diary

[emilyt]

I don't really know what I'm about to post as I'm very new here...but I'm sat in tears already just 2 hours into the day. According to everyone my 5 year old son is the most lovely child they know...so why I can't I see it. I'm struggling so badly as a single parent to him and this horrible PNI has never gone away. I feel like I will never bond with him or love him and I'm so scared. I have never been so close to asking his dad to take custody of him But then would I ever forgive myself for giving up on him.

I'm starting this diary when I'm at rock bottom. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by putting this in the public eye but I feel devastated right now and I just need to get it out.

[sarajay28]

Hi Emily

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Pni is such a horrible illness and to still feel the way you do after all this time would undoubtedly leave you feeling helpless. Have you ever had any treatment / support?
I'm sure you will find it comforting to know you are not alone in feeling like this and this place is a great source of advice, information or just a listening ear. Please share more of your situation if you can so the wonderful ladies here can support you as best as we can

I know it's hard to believe right now but you will get through this. Huge hugs

SJ xx

[brach24]

Welcome Emily!!
Firstly congrats on raising a son that everyone else thinks is lovely!! You are obviously a very good mum!!
It's so hard when we don't have the emotions to back us up. I didn't bond well with either of my girls to begin with. I've worked hard on it and mainly on my issues in therapy and am on meds and the bonding is coming.
Hats off to you as a single mum. Is there any extra support you can tap into?
Is there things you can do to look after yourself more? Maybe when you feel better and stronger in yourself you'll have the reserves to begin reaching out to your son?
This place is a great place to come and be open about exactly how you're feeling. Sometimes facing it in black and white takes away the power and fear it has over us.
Hugs to you xx

[RaspberryBeret]

Hello Emily, I completely relate to your story with your little boy. I have suffered with pni since my son was born 18 months ago. Everyone tells me that he is the most lovely little boy so why can't I appreciate it. I'm separated from his dad and regularly think that he would be better off not living with me. I do love him, I just don't feel regular emotions for him. Today I feel so rubbish that we are both still in bed. I hate being up abs about when I feel like this. Luckily f doesn't mind brekky in bed and some fireman Sam. I however then feel even more of a useless mum as I should be up and about doing stuff.. I have found NLP to be quite helpful at grounding me. You can find help with this online. I just try to take it a day at a time. Keep in touch x

[monica]

Hi Emily

I hope offloading will help you .

PNI is an extremely cruel illness and if not effectively treated can chip away at your self confidence, happiness and everything else .

You clearly are a fantastic mum and are doing everything right but it sounds like you don't believe in urself,

Would you consider returning to drs? There are treatments out there - meds and various talking therapies . What's ur Dr like?x

[emilyt]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, it's really kind of you all! As much as I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone it's reassuring to know there are people out there who understand.

I was having a particularly bad day yesterday and I'm feeling slightly more composed today! It may be a little odd but I have a good relationship with my ex-husbands new partner, we even had a play date the other weekend with her son. So yesterday I decided to confide in her how I was feeling and she was very understanding. We discussed what I might need to help me and how we can present it to my sons dad. We have all agreed that his dad is going to have him an extra day every other weekend to give me a little more of a 'break'. So I seem to have found support in a slightly unlikely place.

My new boyfriend is also being very understanding and even told me the other day that he had googled 'how to help someone with depression'

I think ultimately I still need more professional help. I'll see how this next lot of counselling goes. Thank you for the suggestion of NLP, it's something I've never really looked into so I will do some research into it.

It's amazing what difference a day can make as I definitely feel a little better today. I suppose it's just a matter if getting the good days to outweigh the bad days, and for the gaps between the bad days to get longer.

Thanks again everyone, I'll keep in touch and hopefully learn from all your stories too x

[monica]

Wow in getting help from ur exs gf- she sounds fantastic. Make sure u do something for u on that extra child free day - don't clean or iron. This is your time. Hang on in there. Ur taking positive steps in helping urself and I am sure it will pay offx

[sarajay28]

Excellent news on the support you've found! It really does make all the difference. Try and remember on those particularly bad days that that's what they are...bad days! I know it feels like an uphill struggle but you will get there xx

[monica]

How r u doing Emily?x