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Post by kittywatkins1 on Dec 14, 2015 16:14:32 GMT
Hi, my name is Kathleen and I have two daughters, Annie is 2 and Astrid is 7 months. I had very traumatic pregnancies due to the sickness disorder hg. From that I've dealt with anxiety, PTSD and attachment issues. I thought I was doing better but now I'm pretty certain I still struggle with PNI. Some days I'm so down I just want to die. I don't feel able to tell anyone how bad it really is, my hubby is too stressed as it is and I'm scared that if I tell a health professional they will take my girls! It sounds so silly when I write if down because I have a 'good' life, but I just can't seem to cope!? I found this group via the ITV interview with Natalie, I have had similar scary thoughts as her but just can't tell anyone. My girls are safe i know that in my soul but I do have these inner battles with such terrible thoughts! My youngest Astrid is ebf due to food allergies but never sleeps and cries ALOT. She is a high need baby who wants to be close to me always. I'm exhausted and not in great health but I'm not having trouble with her even though she's the cause. It's my toddler, I seem to about after all day. I hear myself telling her off in a voice that isn't, can't be mine. I need help,I'm so tired and scared and tired! Today has been a very dark day hence the search that brought me here, I just want to die.
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Post by monica on Dec 15, 2015 16:28:31 GMT
Hello and welcome to the forum
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Pni is a terrible illness but have hope that you will recover - I promise you will! The symptoms you describe - obsessional and irrational thoughts are common with pni. These thoughts can be around harming, abusing your child or obsessiveness re: health of your child and probably other types of thoughts as well. Mine revolved around my children's health - if they got common colds I would think they were dying or seriously ill - I lost the ability to rationalise. Natalie's thoughts were around sexually abusing her child although she would never do that, the obsessional fear was there. Someone described this to me as the maternal instinct going into overdrive where you even see harm to your child from yourself. Futhermore, difficult, traumatic births can be a trigger for pni - it sounds as if you've had a terrible time.
There is help out there! Please consider talking to your dr and or health visitor - you don't have to suffer this way. They will have seen and heard this before and can offer you support. Options are talking therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy - this teaches you to challenge negative thought patterns. Medication (antidepressants) are also an option - there are pros and cons to these. In my case I took them out of desperation and they were instrumental in my recovery. If you are having feelings of wanting to die, you must talk to someone. Are these just thoughts - is there any chance you might try and hurt yourself? Please talk - honestly you'll be surprised and friends/family will probably help you.
Life must be challenging with a crying baby. Excuse my ignorance but what is EBF? Is there anything that can be done to help? You sound exhausted. Is there anyone who could give you a break? I know tiredness even now makes my mood plummet.
Please do keep talking to usx
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Post by kittywatkins1 on Dec 15, 2015 21:22:43 GMT
Hi Monica, Thank you for responding.
I am planning to go to my gp tomorrow as I think medication is the only way forward right now. Ebf is only exclusively breastfeeding but I can't put her on formula due to her allergies (not that she'd take a bottle anyway) so I'm the only one who can nurse her. But this will also affect what meds I can take. I do feel very unstable now and it is definitely worse when I'm tired... Well more tired haha. I spoke to my sister a little today which felt like a slight unburdening, but shortly after I lost it and screamed at the baby. Feeling like a terrible mum today. I have struggled with depression before and did reach a stage if self harm but I don't feel there right now. However I am having intrusive suicidal thoughts, I don't know why I think them or what causes it but I have moments where I'm like 'I could just...' It makes me sick to Admit it but it's a daily thing now so I know I need medication. Thank you for not judging. X
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Post by monica on Dec 16, 2015 16:32:16 GMT
Hi
How did you get on at the drs? Well done going - it's hard to do but will be worth it.
Glad you talked to your sister - a problem shared is a problem halved. Could she help you out a bit so you can get some rest?
You're not a terrible mum at all. You're tired and ill with pni - that's really tough to deal with at times and shouting at your little one can happen. I did that too and lost it so to speak in other ways. You're only human! Maybe look at what led you to losing it? What could you do to escalate those feelings before you get to that stage? I know I make it sound easy and it isn't but try to look at it clinically and try things for instance if your child is crying insessantly and it's getting to you, make sure they're safe and go into another room for a few mins if you can. Perhaps do some sit ups or something similar to just burn off those overwhelming feelings. Dealing with intrusive suicidal feelings is also overwhelming - again it's a reaction to how you're feeling and that's its difficult to cope with. Did you mention this to dr?
Monica
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Post by kittywatkins1 on Dec 18, 2015 13:55:28 GMT
Hi,
Thanks for checking up, it was OK. My Dr is already aware I could have trouble as I had PPD with my first but it was gone by 4-5 months pp. No I didn't tell my Dr the depth of my thoughts because last time I did and they got really over-involved and I'm scared of that happening again.
I've been on Zoloft 50mg for a few days now and although I feel a but rubbish physically I think it may already be helping. I feel calmer and I've lost my temper maybe once in that time as opposed to repeatedly melting down daily!
Thank you for your support, it has been so freeing to be able to be honest. Talking to family just makes me feel guilty for feeling that way, but I appreciate your non judgement and your experience. X
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Post by monica on Dec 21, 2015 10:14:13 GMT
Hi
How have you been? So pleased you feel you can talk openly on here - we never judge particularly as we've been through something similar and can really relate to what you're feeling.
One thing I would say is do lean on family and friends - I'm sure you'd support them if they were struggling. Even if you don't feel able or want to talk to them about what and how you're feeling, maybe use them to get a break or just to keep you company. having people about can be a good distractionx
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Post by kittywatkins1 on Dec 22, 2015 20:12:33 GMT
Hi,
I'm doing OK thanks. Meds are really helping, today was a terrible day. Both my girls are poorly but I managed to stay calm most of the Day despite rage fits from my toddler and the baby crying all day. Most dangerous thoughts have faded but I still find myself getting as cross as my 2 year old! Hopefully it'll continue to get better. X
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Post by monica on Dec 22, 2015 22:10:41 GMT
Hi
Glad meds are kicking in and you're coping beter. Ill kids are hard work - wishing them a speedy recovery. It sounds as if you're really well as it s only a few days in. REcovery can be (frustratingly!) slow at times. Try to get a break if you can. What are your Xmas plans? x
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Post by monica on Dec 25, 2015 19:30:48 GMT
Hi Kathleen
Merry Christmas! Hope you've had a nice one and are feeling betterx
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Post by kittywatkins1 on Dec 31, 2015 13:55:15 GMT
Hi Monica, hope you had a good Christmas ?
Mine was nice but I'm struggling again now hubby has gone back to work, just can't seem to get out the house! Feels a bit like 3 steps forward two back!
Have a good new year x
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Post by monica on Jan 3, 2016 10:03:04 GMT
Hi
Happy New Year! Sorry for the delayed reply - it's been busy!
It's common for you to feel this way - I imagine your hubby was around a fair bit over the Xmas holidays - you get used to that even if it's only the comfort of having another person around - then it's back to work and you're alone again.
Take things slow. Break the day down into chunks and try to streamline your thoughts almost clinically. So if you want to go to the shops decide when you're going and try and go through the steps one by one - put on coat, shoes, get lo ready. Try to bat away any thoughts that pop into your head. Even if you don't actually complete what you intend to do you will have taken those first few steps.
I also think once you get back into a routine life will become easier.
My Crimbo was good thanks - quite quiet but busy at the same time. My family live about 2 hrs from me but I stayed at mine so the kids could also spend time with their dad over Christmas. Plus I work shifts so I worked from 26-29th Dec - hard but needed doing.
Keep talking
Monica
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