Irrational anger and frustration

[roox]

My little boy is 9 months old, I've suffered with anxiety and depression on and off for almost 10 years so unfortunately it's nothing new to me, but since I've been breastfeeding less my cycles have kicked back in combined with severe anxiety I have been unbelievably irrational and over react to the smallest of things, it's making me so unhappy and I'm at the point where I'm trying to convince my lovely partner to leave me because I just think he deserves so much better.

Originally I thought it was sleep deprivation but the last week or so my little boy has been sleeping better so it can't be that, I'm currently trying to change anti-depressant and apart from chucking the tablets at me my local gp's have been less than supportive. Honestly when my baby wakes up in the night screaming I just feel irrationally annoyed with him, if my boyfriend doesn't get up when he cries I want to scream at him to stop being so lazy (which he isn't he's a great dad) I feel like I'm holding in a scream a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong I do not have feelings or urges to hurt my baby or anyone else around me, but I often feel like I physically want to smash my head against a brick wall out of frustration and exasperation. I feel useless and worthless and don't expect anyone to want to be around me at the moment, it feels like PMT on a whole different level.

I just feel like I am totally alone in feeling this way and that I will never be a normal rational human being again who doesn't swear and sigh and storm off every time my sleep gets interrupted or I don't like something. I hate being this way so much I just don't know what to do.

[monica]

Hello and welcome

I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment. I have no doubt changing meds/altering breast feeding patterns and therefore hormomes changing can lead to these feelings. As awful as it is have hope - things will improve.

Can I ask why you're changing your meds? Were the old ones not working for you?

All these feelings you're experiencing are a reaction to what's going on. Many ladies with pni feel they are not good enough for their babies/partners etc but that just not the case. Your perception of yourself has altered due to low mood and that's what causing these horrible feelings. On the plus side you realise that your feelings are irrational (I didn't for a while.

Would you consider changing gps? Perhaps there's another one in the practice that's more sympathetic. That can make a huge difference. Hav eyou had any talking therapies? CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can be brilliant for learning techniques to change negative thought patterns as this easily becomes a default setting and you have to unlearn this behaviour.

Your bf sounds really understanding. Could you talk to him about how you are atm - sharing this might feel a weight off your mind.

There are several things you can do to help yourself during this difficult time. Firstly be kind to yourself and treat yourself with kid gloves. Tell yourself this is an illness and in your head don't give yourself a hard time about how you're feeling. This is a very cruel illness which has symptoms akin to physical conditions - if you broke your leg you'd accept you couldn't run and it's the same with pni. So treat yourself, give yourself little breathers - go and read a book for 30 mins, go for a coffee with a friend leaving baby behind - anything that can give you a little lift.

Exercise can help massively. Do you do any? I found that anything that got me a little breathless really released endorphins which can give you a lift.

I would go to gps and ask for counselling and mention cbt - meds can be great (I took them and they singlehandedly changed me but addtinally talking therapies can really help.

Please don't give up - keep talking to us here - you're not alone.

Monica

[Ssshhhhh]

My goodness you have just described me to a t! But when I have looked at pnd online it doesn't seem to fit me but how you described is me all over. I just wanted to say you are not alone

[monica]

Welcome Sshhh

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do. It can make life very hard unexpectedly so as often our expectations of motherhood are high. We call this illness post natal illness as pnd suggests the only symptom is depression but that is only one in a whole range of symptoms women can suffer from.

Have you been to see a dr? It really is worth it. You've identified that all is not well and there is help out there than can make life much better for you . Treatment options are talking therapies and or medication. Making life changes like giving yourself time for you and exercise can help so much too . Do keep talking you really are not alone in how you feel and we do understand what you're going through x