Post by thekaytwins on Feb 15, 2017 18:25:30 GMT
Hi, I don't know if this board is still active, I really hope so. I have 6 year old twins, it was pretty bad from the start but not so bad that anyone noticed, and obviously I didn't tell anyone. All they did was cry and I felt absolutely no love for them - this didn't happen until about 14months and it wasn't until they were 4 that I could look at baby photos and actually think "awww". The anger came out pretty quickly too, I mean I would always have thought I would be a bit of a shouty mum, I'm not a "calm-reception-teacher type!" But I didn't think it would come from actual real anger, just you know, "hey do as you're told and stop ignoring me!" But in those moments (and there are many) I actually really hate them, real deep loathing that I can't hide. I've lashed out a couple of times with minor slaps on their hands (they do this really annoying hand gesture - moving it as if it's a mouth, really teenagery) don't get me wrong I'm not a smacker, and I hate the idea of hurting them, just a couple of times the anger has overflowed so much and it's happened before I've realised it. And it worries me that one day I might go further and not realise until after. When they were babies I used to fantasise about leaving them at a bus stop so someone else could look after them, now when I'm angry I think about hurting them or when the initial anger has passed and I just hate myself I think about walking out because clearly I'm not just a horrible mother but a horrible person in general. And what makes it worse is I'm one of those together people, everyone thinks I'm such a good mum, we always do lots of homework and reading and holidays are full of making dens and crafty things etc. No one has any idea that I hate being a mum 90% of the time and that I can't control myself and act like a child when They don't do what I expect or have planned in my head. Today I actually screwed up my son's spellings, I kept asking and he was answering back and being rude and saying I hate homework, I hate you for making me do it etc etc like kids do and I just lost it and screwed them up which I think shocked him and then he was really sad and cross and after a while he came to me wanting a hug because he was so sad - no matter how horrible I am they still love me and come to me for comfort, I don't understand why they don't hate me. Obviously I don't want them to and every time it's happened and I've calmed down I thank my lucky stars they still love me and swear I'll do better next time but I never do.
Sorry this has turned into an essay, I really needed to say it all I guess. I don't even know if it's PNI or if it's just me, I had a great upbringing with lovely parents, I have a degree and a job, I'm really a normal person most of the time. All I ever wanted was to have children and it has so not turned out how I expected.
Sorry this has turned into an essay, I really needed to say it all I guess. I don't even know if it's PNI or if it's just me, I had a great upbringing with lovely parents, I have a degree and a job, I'm really a normal person most of the time. All I ever wanted was to have children and it has so not turned out how I expected.
