Why can't I just think normal, and be happy?

[lovechild]

I am new to this you guys, so I'll start off with a brief introduction. I am a 33 year old mother of 3 boys 7,10, and 13 and just recently had the girl I've been waiting for my whole life 7 months ago. My entire pregnancy I was super anxious to meet her, also freaking out because I had a fear she would pass before she was born due to a freak umbilical cord accident, or from me eating lunch meat and being the 10% that caught salminila. Needless to say once she arrived fear, anxiety, panic kicked on full blown.

My typical days consists of me feeling so detached from my body, I feel like a crazy person, sorta like I am outside my body watching my every move. I have a constant fear that I have a chronic medical illness. My fear of being sick is so strong I suffer from panic attacks which makes me admit myself into the ER convinced that I will soon go into cardiac arrest.

Due to these intrusive thoughts I have no appetite and have lost at least 10lbs. When people notice the weight is melting off and mention it to me, it sends me back into panic mode and I believe I have cancer so I google my symptoms and convince myself that I have everything in the book! My fear is not being around for my kids because I lost my parents at a young age.

I really want to be happy and enjoy life. I am also getting married in less than a month. Will I ever be normal again? I have the perfect family and I can't enjoy them because my thoughts, and panic attacks are making it hard for me to even smile let alone enjoy my blessings. I really am afraid of meds I don't even take them when I have a migraine. Has anything else worked for anyone? Is anyone cured? Please say we can overcome this!

[monica]

Welcome

Reading your story is like reading my own. The anxiety, fear which is crippling. I really understand what you're going through and how on the face of it it's difficult to understand why you feel this way .

Although I'm not a health care professional, all your symptoms can be attributed to PNI. I too struggled with the detachment feelings. The good news is you will recover so have hope.

Have you spoken to anyone - friends, family , dr? Please visit your dr- they will have heard the same story a thousand times as this illness is so common.

Regarding treatment, talking therapies especially cognitive behavioural therapy can be excellent in discussing your fears, changing you thought patterns and learning coping techniques.

Exercise helped me hugely. The release of endorphins the feel good chemicals were a huge pick me up. Could you factor this into your busy schedule ?

I know you're reluctant to take antidepressants but they were without doubt the turning point for me. There are pros and cons to taking them but I wouldn't dismiss it outright and happy to share my experience of them with you X

[lovechild]

Thank you Monica! What antidepressants worked best for you? I hear stories of people feeling like zombies or robots with some meds.

Every time I go to the hospital I mention my thoughts, and my anxiety and the fact that I recently had a baby and they can't figure out what's wrong with me. I've went through blood tests, EKG, x-ray, and heart Ultrasounds and they found nothing and said I was suffering from panic disorder. No one gave me resources or referrals! I've been looking for help on my own, and my fear is if I don't get help it will get worst and won't go away!

It makes me sad that I can't enjoy this precious baby that I've prayed for and thought I would never have.

[monica]

Hi

On the plus side it seems as if you've been thoroughly tested and there are no other causes of your symptoms, which is a relief. It's ironic as the more you stress the worse you feel so you stress more.

It sounds as if everything kicked off whilst pregnant - the fear of losing this much wanted child seemed to spiral and grew from normal angst to clinical anxiety etc.

My GP put me on citalopram 10 mg initially then upped to 20mg. Pros - can make a huge difference to how you feel! Side effects can subside after an initial period of feeling worse.

In a nutshell, Cons - you can feel worse initially. Sometimes it can take a few goes to get the right tablets that work for you, side effects can feel horrible, you should take them for a minimum of 6 months after you feel better then wean yourself off them.

Do try and ta Kyle the anxiety. Really give the talking therapy a go - it's hard but really can help - you will get better never forget that x

[monica]

Sorry typos- tackle the anxiety.

I felt worse for 2-3 weeks - my anxiety was through the roof and I felt so ill. Apparent the detachment symptom is common with depression. Then I just noticed one day I didn't cry, I laughed. I started going out, engaging, driving. Overall the side effects were v low libido and I couldn't have orgasms (sorry if tmi), slightly gassy tummy , put on a little weight, would sometimes feel high for no reason . I definately felt like my normal self after I came off them but for me they changed my life for the better x

[Kirsty]

Hello and welcome, I'm sorry you are suffering at the moment but please have hope that you WILL recover!! Pni always goes away with the right treatment and support. Even though I'm not a health professional is does sound very similar to pni, suggest it to your gp and see how you go from there maybe?

Feel free to open up and talk on here as often as you need. We are here for you x