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Post by HolBee on Jun 27, 2017 16:13:50 GMT
Hello everyone, I'm finding everyone's posts helpful but also scary and I feel like I need to pour my heart out a bit.
I've been feeling really strange since I had by baby 7 weeks ago. My pregnancy was fine, I was super pleased with myself for how relaxed and ready I felt and was super calm but excited about my babies arrival. My labour was amazing and incredibly quick for a first timer (my notes say 2 hours 25mins including third stage but it was more like 4 hours from established labour - still pretty amazing). And again I was really proud of how I kept relaxed and breathed through my contractions and how I trusted my instincts etc. and proved the midwives wrong on several occasions. After my baby was born unfortunately the unit was too busy for us to wait in the room we were in so, even though baby fed beautifully and I had no problems, I got put on the ward and my husband was sent home. This broke my heart to see him go off by himself, but I felt strong and reassured him etc. made sure he was ok as best I could and spent the night watching my new tiny baby in amazement and soaking in all her little features and sounds. From the moment I saw my baby I felt everything was right, bringing her home that next day I felt amazing, everything felt perfect and it all slotted into place. We were a family with a beautiful baby, a lovely home and all the support we could wish for. Then the next day it was like all that was switched off and I've been confused and lost ever since.
I've had a bit of anxiety in the past and since leaving home over 10 years ago I've only had a couple of short lived bouts which I've managed to deal with positively and fully recover from. The first bout I sought out some private CBT and only needed 5 weeks to get myself back together and the second bout I dealt with myself. That was over 4 years ago now, and although I do have a tendency to lose faith in myself and worry about things, I've been totally fine, happy and plodding along with life, even though some of that time involved moving to different parts of the country, not having a job for a bit and moving apart from my husband for nearly a year. I've done a lot of great things and really felt positive about the future, my confidence was pretty high and me and my husband shared a good healthy and strong team-like relationship.
So as soon as I started to feel anxious I was cautious to keep a track of it and try and tackle it positively as I always have. The first week it came in the typical hormonal waves of the 'baby blues'. I told my midwife and she reassured me that's what it was etc. and sure enough it passed and by the end of my husband's paternity leave I was feeling more confident and we were feeling good as a family and like a real team. I had a friend come and stay for the first few days, and although I felt pretty overwhelmed with everything still I was able to tell myself it was all normal and the normal ups and downs of looking after a newborn and being really tired. Which it was, although there were times that I panicked at 1am and thought I was never going to get to sleep and I felt really tired, going to a cafe or for a walk felt good and adult conversation felt restoring. Then my friend left and all my inner worries burst out and I had a total panic, I was blinded by the fear of being by myself, of not being able to cope etc. etc. I managed a couple of days by myself, going out to groups, going to see my mum etc. but was feeling very anxious and tearful and totally confused with how I felt. I thought that it would be hard, but surely there would be something I'd enjoy, gain heart from, something that would get my through and that I could see growing. The next week I went to see my health visitor and told her how I felt, I'd been talking openly with my partner and mum and dad etc. trying to do all the things you need to do to stay well, getting out and about, seeing people, meeting other mums etc. I knew I needed to tell my health visitor so I did, she was great and immediately booked me into seeing the GP that same day. I went to see my GP and set up appointments with the local talking therapy service and am now going to those sessions every other week and I have also found a mental health support group for new mums to attend weekly. I'm trying to do things I enjoy but struggle to find the time, I'm going to things when I feel good and my weeks are busy going out and about. I've made friends with someone who enjoys walking so we're starting to take our little ones out together walking and I've even invited myself along to a couple of coffee morning things with local mums that all did the same yoga course I did (something I'd never have done before!).
Although I'm probably doing a bit better and I'm trying to do all the right things to get better I'm constantly thinking about how I feel and how I don't feel right or normal and how I want to be better. How I want to be enjoying things and enjoying being a mum even if it is hard. I don't find much solace in meeting other mums as, although it was initially a comfort to find out how things I was feeling etc. were normal I find I end up feeling overwhelmed and thinking how there must be something more, there must be something that makes it ok....I feel lost with who I am and what makes me feel ok and everything seems weird and new, not to mention being very very tired. I feel sad that this is how I'm experiencing my daughters start in life and I want to be well and my best self for her. I've allllways wanted children, loved being around children and babies and always imagined my future with lots of children, yet now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have had her and that I might have ruined mine and my husband's and my child's life by being like this. Some days feel just about ok, but I'm always feeling foggy, and detached and 'dream like' which I hate. I really want to take positive action and get better but I'm feeling lost and nothing is really helping me feel better. I need to feel like it's turning around and I'm making the right steps forward but the things I do don't feel like they're helping.
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Post by monica on Jun 28, 2017 10:27:53 GMT
Welcome Holbee
I wanted to say to you how I admire you're insight into your feelings and determination to do what's best for yourself . It can be hard to monitor yourself and take all the right steps to try and help yourself but you've done this every step of the way.
I'm sorry you're struggling following the birth of your baby - congrats! It's a time of huge upheaval with the new arrival physically, hormonally and in the way this tiny baby can turn your live upside down. This is doubly hard if the expectation is all will be fine and suddenly you find yourself plagued with doubts and worries which can be so overwhelming and become quite deep rooted. Please believe me many mums feel this way, but far fewer admit to this.
It sounds to me as you lack confidence - this will come in time. You really sound like a fantastic mum. With counselling where you can get your feelings out in the open you will build that confidence quicker. I would also suggest you try to factor some 'me' time in when you focus just on yourself . That can help hugely in building up enjoyment relaxation .
Please keep talking - we really understand what you're going through x
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Post by HolBee on Jun 29, 2017 8:28:26 GMT
Thank you so much Monica for your encouragement! I sat myself down in a cafe yesterday with my notebook, a milkshake and a piece of cake and tried to write down everything and find my way forward. I actually found myself much more positive and able to see past more of my worries. I think this has really highlighted my lack of confidence you're right and this could be a really good opportunity to tackle that and find strategies to improve it and build it for a more permanent mindset for the future. I think me time is important as I naturally like to facilitate others and often feel bad if I'm dictating what we do. I read somewhere that a great way to help anxiety is to do whatever it is you feel you can't do 'badly'. That way the pressure is off and you'll get it done (and probably find it wasn't done badly at all).
I'm working with my husband to find ways to build my confidence and start to feel like Im moving forward.im starting to find I'm enjoying my daughter more and more each day and perhaps I was missing that umongst my worrying. I really hope I can start to get my head round everything and start to feel a bit more secure as you say. My husband is on holiday next week so that should be a great opportunity for some r+r. I'd like to use this space to keep talking and also encourage others by being honest about how I feel and what I'm trying to combat it.
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Post by monica on Jun 30, 2017 10:04:57 GMT
So glad you found some reflection time for yourself. I want to reiterate that you're doing all the right things to get better. It sounds as if you and your husband have a strong relationship which I'm sure will aid recovery hugely.
Please feel free to keep posting . There is a 'diary' section some ladies use however feel free to keep this thread going of you prefer. You'll certainly get support here x
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Post by HolBee on Jul 1, 2017 8:09:01 GMT
Thank you Monica. After an ok week I've had a bad 24 hours. I'm not entirely sure why, it seems to happen on a Friday a lot, perhaps it's when I'm most tired after the week by myself and fewer hours sleep due to my husband getting up for work. We're also away at a friend's house for the night who have a two week old. They've been in their house 3 years whereas we've been in ours only a few months so they're a lot more settled.
I can't stop thinking about what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, this is obviously perpetuating everything and makes me feel like I've forgotten how to think normally and just live. This really scares me and I'm not sure how to break the cycle. I felt very anxious at bed time last night even though the baby went down much easier than normal. I suddenly felt terrified, sick, panicky. I couldn't really tell my husband why but I was able to tell him how I felt and we talked. I've stayed here lots before and it feels horrible to suddenly feel like this in a space that should be safe.
I'm desperate to feel better or feel like I'm on the right trajectory but often feel like I'm making it worse and am not able to maintain control on the anxiety like I could before. The last time I felt any real anxiety was 4/5years ago and I was able to box it off from my life and see it for what it was so it lost its power and became more manageable. I don't seem to be able to do that now as I guess the stressors are all new, I'm sleep deprived and my hormones are different.
I've managed to lose myself even though I was pretty happy with who I was as I gave birth. It's like I'm also mourning this whole experience. Seeing our friends made me want to do it all again and do it better. I know sleep has been a huge problem for me. It's something I've always needed a lot of and I know I don't cope well if I don't get enough. The only trouble is, I've never been able to nap so catching up is hard. Plus the anxiety means sometimes I don't get to sleep as quick or wake up worrying. This hasn't happened every night but enough to have an impact. Then there the general anxiety that I can't actually get the sleep I need even if all the conditions are perfect because I have a newborn. Again sleep was feeling better, but Friday morning I woke up too much after my first 5 hour stint and struggled to turn my brain off to go back to sleep. This threw me a bit. I really hate feeling like I'm going backwards and need to find a way to deal with the ups and downs that makes me know it's ok and that overall I'm moving forward.
My biggest sadness as well comes from the fact I love children and always wanted a big busy family and now I feel like this that feels unachievable and I think I'm almost mourning that too. Especially at my lowest points.
I'm finding it hard to find relief, being with friends can make it worse as I want so much to be relaxed, engaged and enjoying myself but I'm not able to. Thus feels particularly hard because 2 months ago I'd have had a lovely time.
The silly thing is is that I know all these thoughts are unhelpful but I'm finding it hard to counter them. My usual coping strategies have got a bit lost in the fog.
Thank you for your encouragement, it's so hard going through this when none of the support is specifically designed for postnatal situations. This board is so good for that.
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Post by monica on Jul 3, 2017 10:13:22 GMT
Hi there
It really sounds as if you're having a blip. These are periods during recovery when you dip again. Ironically these can feel so much worse after a good spell and can make the whole recovery feel impossible. This is a normal part of recovery.
Blips can be triggered by pmt, tiredness, illness, stress etc. Sometimes it can feel as if there is no reason. When you're in this mode try doing things to lift yourself . Going for a walk, getting your hair done. I found exercise amazing. I remember my first blip which happened after a couple of months of recovering. An argument with some builders triggered it and it was horrible. One day I went to an aerobics class. I walked in very depressed and walked out feeling normal. Also going to a friends house , even though familiar, is out of your comfort zone so maybe that's why you felt 'off' and anxious. It's good to do these things as it can help you push yourself out of this zone.
When do you start the counselling. Maybe they can show you techniques to combat negative thought cycles?
This is early days in your recovery and you really are doing all the right things and I think are progressing. You will go on to have more children in the future I'm sure. Even though this might feel impossible atm you will recover. I had PNI after child no 2 and in spite of the fact that it was a terrible phase of my life I had another child and fortunately PNI free. Don't give up! X
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Post by HolBee on Jul 10, 2017 4:38:22 GMT
Thank you Monica. Thank you for your encouragement. Unfortunately I'm sat awake at 5am, having been awake most the night worrying and have finally given up battling it and come down stairs. Sleep is such a huge thing for me at the moment. I can literally map my mood and level of anxiety directly to how much sleep I have/haven't had. Over all I've been sleeping fine but I have times every so often where I struggle to get to sleep. On Sat night this happened, so I talked to my husband and he told me that I always get to sleep, that I've got to sleep every time, even on the nights where I've had very little. This instantly reassured me and I was able to get to sleep for the rest of the night. I felt more tired yesterday because I didn't get as much sleep due to not getting to sleep early so I went to bed early with the baby. Unfortunately she didn't go down until 11pm ish but I then couldn't get to sleep. I talked to my husband again, but this time I couldn't stop the worrying, I started worrying that I'm going to get insomnia which would be awful because I cope so much better when less tired and I'd had a week of much better sleep because my husband had a week's holiday. This obviously halted any sleep.
The trouble is I'm finding it really hard to challenge the negative thought cycles, I can see they're happening but am finding them really hard to challenge and often make it worse (like now having only had about 1 hours sleep). It's like the first night I believed my husband and that calmed it, but the next night was somehow different and somehow proved my anxieties right and they came forth with a vengeance. I was trying so hard to tell myself I haven't had a sleepless night for over a month and every time I've struggled to get to sleep I've got there eventually. That I don't need to worry as much because the baby is sleep a bit better now so it's easier to get more sleep, but none of it had an effect the anxious thoughts won, even when I woke up again and fed the baby, they were even stronger.
Even when I'm feeling ok my mind is whirring at a thousand miles per hour and even though I've got rid of negative thoughts, I'm then second guessing myself, I don't know what to do with myself and start to over analyse and think my every thought and move. It's like I really can't tame the anxiety, even when I'm feeling stronger. I had one evening last week where I felt 'normal' for the first time since having all this anxiety. I managed to tell myself that it's all just anxiety and was able to calm it for a time, but then the next day, even though I'd slept well and felt stronger, I could feel it under the surface of everything. I know when this happens you need to find the route cause of the anxiety and try and work on your problem solving around it, but the trouble is, is I'm not entirely sure what the 'problem' is. I don't really understand what the route cause of the anxiety is.
The counselling I'm having is guided self-help and it's only 30 mins every 2 weeks. So far I think they've just been trying to get me to spot my negative thought patterns etc. and haven't been given any coping strategies yet. The trouble with it being only 30 mins every 2 weeks makes me feel super pressured to say all the right things so that I can get the right help from the session to help with the next 2 weeks, I think this is partly why I was struggling to sleep tonight as the session is tomorrow (today now) and my husband is going back to work after his holiday. I feel like I'd like someone to work through everything with weekly to help me find what's wrong rather than feeling I need to find it myself before the session to move to the next step. My husband is trying to help with this but I don't want him to have to talk to me about it all the time. I'm trying to look into some private counselling that I can have weekly for a bit and hopefully for an hour so I can try and work through everything.
I think in the past when I've had to tackle the anxiety I've felt better from the off and reassured by the process. This feels much more muddled and harder to see my ways forward and be reassured that I'm doing the right things and not making it worse. I feel like I'm feeling increasingly confused, and less sure of myself in terms of knowing what to do. Looking after a baby is exhausting as it is, and all of this is making it much harder. It also means that 'me' time and exercise etc. has less of an effect because I'm feeling so anxious. I've been doing a couch to 5k plan and also cycling/swimming when I can. etc. which does help when I'm able to think more clearly.
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Post by monica on Jul 12, 2017 8:22:19 GMT
Hi Insomnia! It's horrible! - I had it with pni initially and have it now (I think I'm perimenopausal) and it makes everything seem so much worse. Unfortunately, it is a vicious circle - you have a bad night, so you're tired, run down, stressed coupled with worry about sleeping the following night means you don't and the cycle begins. But the good news is that it's relatively early days which makes it easier to nip in the bud.Try having a look at the link below and try some of the rememdies suggested. I also use this roll on relaxation concoction from Neal's Yard remedies and I do find that I sleep better when I put it on at night onto the pulse points. Also relaxation exercise including breathing ones (like breathing deeply through the stomach and focusing on each breath) really help me.Again you might have to experiement with different techniques until you find something that works for you. sleepfoundation.org/insomnia/content/what-causes-insomniaCycles of negativity and overanalysis are difficult to manage at times perhaps more so if hormone fuelled? I know when I'm feeling well I can rationalise and to be honest ignore the negative things that pop into my head which makes them disappear. However, when I go through a bad patch it's so much hard to bat away these thoughts especially when they're racing around in your head. Once again tiredness can make this whole process harder to control. Again I'm really impressed how you know yourself so well and are really doing all the right things to help yourself. The exercise plan you have is great but of course if you're shattered it's nigh on impossible to find the energy and motivation to do any. It's well worth looking into the private counselling if you can afford it that will actually match your needs - I find it hard to imagine that 30 mins every 2 weeks would be enough for anyone as you're hardly able to get everything off your chest before your time's up. cognitive behavioural therapy has had really good results for negative thoughts patterns - maybe you'd benefit from therapy that includes this. Something to consider... Do you have anyone who could help you with the baby so you can get some rest? It's an exhausting business and relentless particulary with pni. Another option to consider are antidepressants. I don't know how you would feel about this? They were the turning point for me and I'm happy to share with you my experience of medication and the pros and cons. You are really doing all the right things. I know this illness is so frustrating and sometimes it feels as if you have little control over it - I have no doubt you will recover it just might take a little bit of tweaking to find what helps you get to that point. Monica
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Post by HolBee on Jul 18, 2017 10:44:18 GMT
Hi Monica,
I've been trying to avoid antidepressants for a few reasons. I've used them briefly a long time ago and really didn't like them (although I only tried one type), I feel that as I'm making a few steps forward that perhaps I can do this with out, I also feel like a lot of what I'm feeling is probably normal and I want to feel it to go through the journey I'm going through to come out the other side stronger. However, if I really continue to struggle with spinning thoughts and lost sleep, I don't know whether I'll reconsider. I just really don't want to be dependent on them forever.
I wanted to message last week as I was having a much more positive week. After feeling pretty bad after that nights missed sleep I had an appointment with my talking therapist and got handed more worksheets and felt really fed up after it. I've had amazing CBT before and it really changed my life, but at these sessions they feel rushed, I don't feel listened to and I just get given worksheet after worksheet, which I could do by myself. I came home from that feeling a bit stuck so I had a look through the sheets and sat down with my notebook again and wrote down all my worries that were circling around my head for weeks and for each worry I rationalised it and made it seem ok. I also downloaded a meditation app and started that. This really helped and for the rest of the week I felt calmer and more balanced and even found i had a bit more space to think about other things. The weekend also proved a success and what could have been a hard time at a family gathering proved a success. The trouble is last night and today my mind is racing again and I'm struggling to 'let go'. I'm trying to reassure myself that this is just where I am at the moment and I'll have times of higher anxiety but its hard to convince yourself. It just feels exhausting when all you can think about is how your feeling and what your thinking.
I'm desperate to know that I'll get better and I'll be able to just live my life again normally, but days like today make it seem impossible....which fuels it more. I wish I knew about what happens in life after PNI
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Post by monica on Jul 19, 2017 19:33:46 GMT
Hi
You will get better! Unfortunately it's rarely an overnight recovery. The journey back be tough with lots of ups and downs . These down periods or blips are a normal part of the recovery process. They are horrible though and can feel worse after a prolonged good spell, can knock you for six and make you doubt you'll ever recover. In time the blips will get less intense, you'll manage them better and they should get further apart. As long as the overall trajectory is heading upwards and you can manage the blips ...
I do understand your reticence in taking meds. Whilst they can make a huge difference recovery wise , it's a commitment usually of st least 6 months after you feel better, they can have side effects. I just wouldn't discount them completely and even if you take them it won't be for life. They are a tool to be used if you feel that you're not making sufficient progress. There's nothing to be gained from suffering.
So pleased the cbt techniques have helped. What is the source of the cbt worksheets? Are they from a book?
Honestly you're doing all the right things in helping yourself and it is making a difference x
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