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Post by amandac86 on Jul 6, 2017 7:52:01 GMT
Hi. I'm not sure if I have postnatal depression or not. Some days are fine, I feel like my old self, laughing and joking (sounds awful but mostly when I'm not with my baby!) Other days I'm a wreck but usually don't let people see me, my husbands seen me on the odd occasion but the other day for instance I think he thought I was crying because I had no clothes to wear! (Maternity clothes too big, old clothes too small!) When in reality I don't actually know why I was crying! I would never harm my baby but find myself shouting at him sometimes and he's only 12 weeks old then I hate myself for it and feel awful. I don't feel like we have bonded as much as I thought we would have - he was a long awaited miracle baby, waited 8 years, tried different treatments and in the end got pregnant with ICSI treatment. He has had colic and is generally a grumpy baby (we get the odd smile here n there) but I sometimes think it's down to me that he's grumpy, maybe it's something I'm doing/not doing right, maybe its because we've not bonded. Sometimes I worry about taking him out incase he has a crying fit and I can't control him and I always panic when visitors want to come round because I know he'll just be a grump but I just make a joke out of it. All of this worry and everyone thought I would sail through motherhood because I'm a nursery nurse and I "know what to do" which is probably the main problem because I'm not living up to expectations! Anyone else gave similar feelings/in the same boat??
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jul 6, 2017 8:12:51 GMT
Congratulations on your baby. I had my first after a long wait too - I think I'd built up in my head what it would be like and somehow a lot of the feelings that I thought I'd leave behind came with me. Please know that first, it it gets easier - 12 weeks is still really, really early and your hormones are still all over the place. Secondly, babies cry, everyone knows that and if someone else has a problem with it, screw them. Why not take him for a "test" walk, expect him to cry and try and breathe through it - he might enjoy the fresh air. The more you do it, the easier it will get and it must be really hard being stuck indoors with him.
Finally do visit your gp and explain about the colic and the shouting - maybe you can get help for his tummy and/or for yourself. In any case the doctor should reassure you what's normal and what isn't. Good luck!
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frogface
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Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on Jul 6, 2017 8:13:45 GMT
Ps he's not grumpy because of you!!
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Post by monica on Jul 6, 2017 17:12:36 GMT
Welcome!
I'm sorry life seems like a struggle at times. Whether you have pni or not, it sounds like there are times when life is hard for you.
Your baby sounds indeed like a miracle. Maybe the stress and pressure of this is making things worse. You've waited so long to have him and you have an expectation to love the whole experience as he was so wanted and you feel like you can't let yourself dislike the difficult parts of baby hood. I'm sure the fact you feel like you should have the perfect child as you're a nursery nurse is an added pressure on yourself.
My youngest had dreadful colic and it's so draining and tiring. Listening to the constant crying which makes life so hard, not wanting to take him out in case there's a crying fit and lets face it, it makes it difficult to enjoy the whole baby experience if that's what you have to contend with. You're not doing anything wrong at all - it's hard for him to be a happy baby if he's in constant pain. Have you seen dr about the colic? I never really did anything but wish I had now - they can be given something or the other to prevent acid reflux. I also took my son to a cranial osteopath which was a miracle. The first time I took him he had a terrible bout of colic that evening then the following day he was a completely different baby - just ate and slept happily so much so I took him to my work xmas do which would have been impossible before. Perhaps give that a go?
Have you spoken to your dr or hv about how you're feeling? it really would be worth it as you're feel pretty low, frustrated at times. Perhaps some reassurance you're actually doing a fantastic job (Yes, you are!) and a bit of offloading might give you the confidence you need. Also you can be referred for talking therapies which can be really good too.
Please keep talking to us as we really understand how you're feeling. Have hope things will get better.
Monica
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Post by Kirsty on Jul 7, 2017 7:59:09 GMT
Hello and welcome to the forum,
You are doing an amazing job and should be so proud of yourself. I had and still have bonding issues with my daughter and she is 15 months. It's been a huge part of my PNI and I understand how upsetting and frustrating it can be. Just have comfort that it will come, I have no bond at all when she was born and now I adore her and love her to bits it's just my pni makes me question if it's really there and if it's real what I'm feeling towards her. It's like any relationship, it takes time to build and that's ok. I tried for 18 months for Sophia and even though I did fall pregnant naturally I spent all that time scared that I couldn't have a baby. I built it up in my head too about what it was and "should" be like but in reality it wasn't at all. Motherhood is bloody hard and is the toughest job anyone can do but just have faith and understand you are doing a great job.
See your gp and tell them exactly how you are feeling.
Keep talking
Much love xx
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Post by monica on Jul 10, 2017 15:31:59 GMT
How are you Amanda? Hope things are going well. Feel free to post on here for support or queries or generally anything!x
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