frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on Oct 27, 2017 9:28:41 GMT
Hi there, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wanted to say I found it hard to look at my husband and couldn’t bear for him to touch me at all when I was ill. I feel so guilty about it now but he was so understanding and patient. We are back to our usual (good) relationship now. It took a couple of years once I started accepting help. I hope the counseling helps your wife recognize and identify what she needs. You are being so patient. It’s a shame her parents aren’t supportive. Good luck and look after your self as much as you can. Your kids and your wife need you more than ever, whatever it might feel like.
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Post by monica on Oct 29, 2017 17:07:59 GMT
Hi
How's your week going? Did your wife say anything about the counselling. As FF said its such a shame your wife's family view you and your family as the cause of the problems. Do you know why? Often the closest can see the sufferer is acting strangely and/or not herself so I would imagine they must know something is not right which has little to do with you.
How is your own counselling going? How are the little ones doing?
Monica
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Post by monica on Nov 17, 2017 19:15:01 GMT
Hello
I was wondering how life's been with you? Really hoping things have picked up.
Monica
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Post by ben_c137 on Dec 4, 2017 16:46:49 GMT
Well not good news on my front. My marriage is over. I am devastated, currently trying to find another place to live which is suitable for when I see my 3 children. My wife said we are done but cannot explain what she meant by it. I think I am slowly learning that part of her issues is that she is incapable of doing the hard things in life anymore. Like going to a marriage counsellor, talking about problems, and figure out how a separation and divorce work.
I am currently the one doing all the work, and I am the one who does not want what is happening. I just can't believe how quickly everything has gone to shit. Part of me hopes that she will come around again, but I have my doubts as it will take effort that she does not want to make.
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Post by monica on Dec 6, 2017 14:27:44 GMT
Hi
I'm so very, very sorry to hear your sad news. It must be a hugely difficult time.
From everything you've said it really sounds like you wife's in a pretty confusing place. This illness is really so cruel to everyone.
Whilst this may be of zero comfort to you at the moment you know you've done everything possible to help and support her so it'll never be a case of 'if only I'd done A or B ...' Who knows what the future holds? I'd love to give you hope that in a years time she may start to think more lucidly...what do her family say about this? Presumably they can see she's not herself.
Forgive me if this angers or upsets you, but now your wife has drawn a line in the sand maybe you can start to rebuild your life as opposed to live in limbo not knowing what's going on . You have 3 wonderful children who love and need you and you will find happiness again. I know how it can feel hopeless at the moment. Do look after yourself. This has never been more important than now. Please let us know how you're getting on.
Monica
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Post by monica on Dec 29, 2017 23:08:29 GMT
Hi
I was just wondering how you are doing? How was Christmas? How have things developed with your home life? Last time you said you were looking somewhere to live - did you find somewhere? How are things with your wife?
Really hope you're doing ok in these difficult circumstances. Here to listen x
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Post by Ben_c137 on Jan 10, 2018 20:05:28 GMT
Well it has been a busy month. Spent two and half weeks back home for Christmas. Took my two oldest kids with me. They had a great time.
We are currently working through the separation process. Which is taking a long time. Once I know I have joint custody of my children I will be moving out to the new house I built over the last 12 months. Which will be completed at the end of January.
My wife and i don't really talk or interact very much. I don't think she can stand being around me. The baby boy is now sleeping well and eating well. He is on solid food and a bottle. No more breast feeding. He is a completely different baby. Don't think my wife will ever admit that the stress of the baby had a significant impact on our relationship.
I am currently going through a grieving process it feels like. The death of an amazing marriage is pretty hard to take. I have good moments and bad moments every day. Looking forward to starting fresh and figuring a single fathers life with three kids. Not looking forward to the loneliness.
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2018 11:41:30 GMT
Hi there
I'm pleased you managed to get home with your oldest children - I hope the time with your family supporting you reenergised you to a degree at least.
I know the whole situation is awful but out of all that there are positives. You have a place to live (wow really impressed that you built your home- probably not literally!) that you can call your own and make your home. I imgaine that will keep you distracted too. Possibly being away from a difficult atmosphere between you and your wife will give both of you breathing space. Like me I imagine you never signed up to being a part time dad and I shared the same worries as you about loneliness and desperately missing my children however, several years on being a single mum (I have my kids 3-4 days a week, their dad the remainder) I actually look forward to have a bit of me time. For the first couple of years I used to fill my free days and evenings doing things but now I quite like being alone and just to have control over what gets watched on the TV! Maybe join a club, get a hobby doing something you've fancied trying your hand at? ARe you still doing the running? Perhaps try a running group?
Regarding custody arrangements, are you hoping to organise this legally? How is all that going? Are you hoping to go for 50/50 arrangement?
I know this doesn't detract from the fact that you are grieving for the loss of your relationship and I think you have to do this to move on. I hope life becomes less painful and get easierx
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Post by Ben_C137 on Jan 15, 2018 13:08:12 GMT
I have started to rebuild a social life again and trying to spend as much time with my kids as I can before the big day happens.
I won't accept anything less than 50/50 arrangement. I am a highly involved Dad who loves spending time with his kids. I have lawyer drafting the initial separation agreement and waiting on my wife to respond with her changes. Ideally I don't want the courts involved as it can probably get really messy quickly. The process is pretty slow and maybe mediation would of been faster. But we own a lot of assets and some debt. Feel that the lawyers can handle that part a lot better. My wife does not know much about our financial situation as she just left it to me.
I am worried that she won't be able to afford our current house once I vacate it. If she has to sell it, that would be pretty rough on her and the kids. The home isn't big enough really for three growing kids. I find it difficult to not worry about her future.
Lots of people go through this process. So I take comfort in the fact that they are doing fine and enjoying life. It means I should be able to do the same in the future.
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frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on Jan 16, 2018 7:37:35 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound really strong and your love for your kids is so obvious in your posts. I hope things get better.
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Post by monica on Jan 20, 2018 11:06:20 GMT
It sounds as if you're doing everything to make the transition as smooth as possible. Have you spoken to your wife about what her finances will be like post split? Does she has support and advice? It could be that she's not in a good place to face practical matters and therefore burying her head in the sand.
And how have you been in yourself? Yes you will get through thisx
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Post by Ben_c137 on Feb 1, 2018 16:08:42 GMT
I think my wife is making progress figuring out her future. She has been to the bank and met with the lawyer. I am still waiting to hear back about the changes she wants to the separation agreement.
I don't feel comfortable talk about her finances with her. I am not even sure what advice I could give her on what to do, as it might seem condescending or controlling or some other reason.
I am assuming for advice and support her parents are helping her. My relationship stopped with them as soon as she said she was done with me. It doesn't surprise me they are a close knit family who see there lives as always been my wife and her parents.
Trying to juggle work, finishing off the house and spending quality time with my kids. The house is taking longer and longer to finish. Which is OK as I can't really move on till I have a separation agreement. My parents and family are trying to visit me as often as they can. Which is about once a month. I am coping the best I can. Still feel tremendously sad that this relationship has ended this way.
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Post by monica on Feb 3, 2018 17:38:27 GMT
Hi
It sounds as if things are moving forward for you. You're certainly busy which is probably a good thing and whilst I'm sure it's tough for you it sounds as if you're coping very well practically amd within yourself ie not depressed.
I hope you and your wife can agree on the terms of the separation agreement and from what you say, she's being supported by her family even if they never accepted you into the fold. That's very sad and I guess it must have been unpleasant and upsetting for you to have been made to feel like an outsider for all these years. It's great your family are visiting you regularly - they sound extremely supportive.
Are you still running? How's that going? I'm struggling with Achilles tendonitis so that's come to a (temporary I hope) halt. Keep up the great work x
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Post by monica on Mar 5, 2018 17:28:40 GMT
Hi I was just wondering how you were ? How's the house/kids / separation? Hope this have stabilised for you with more certainty regarding the future .
X
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Post by Ben-C137 on Mar 8, 2018 13:27:28 GMT
The separation work is still ongoing. It is taking much longer than expected. My wife is very emotional and easily upset if she doesn't get her way. Living in her home whilst waiting on the paperwork is pretty tough.
My new home is move in ready which is good. I have booked a holiday with my kids in the near future so I can have some R&R with them.
My mental and physical health aren't great but I feel they will improve once I am in my own place. I have signed up for the gym and want to get back to my running again once the paperwork is signed.
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