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Post by ben_C137 on Sept 15, 2017 17:19:05 GMT
Hi,
My wife and I had our third child in May, and everything was great to start with. In July she told me that I neglected her and she hates my parents involvement in our marriage. My parents are co-financing a house we are building. Which she agreed to build when she was pregnant. She said we are growing apart, she does not know what she wants and she thinks we won't make it as a couple. This came out of nowhere for me, and it was a shock to my system. At the time she was struggling to settle the baby and cope with our other two children. Life is very busy.
I gave her some space to think it over, and she could not tell me what she wanted. When I tried to over her support she grew more distant from me. I talked to her parents and got a mixed message from them about what they thought was going on. Her dad said she was unhappy with me and her mother thought she might be depressed. Me talking to her parents caused a rift in our relationship that I amplified by asking them to babysit our kids for our anniversary. Plus after she told me to stop my mothers visit in September I told her that her parents were everywhere in our relationship. As I am hurt that I cannot see or by around my family. They life 6,000 km away from me. I see the irregularly. I can only call my family when she is not around. Which makes it hard for me to continue a relationship between them and their grandkids.
I have been to a doctor and been prescribed anti depressants, and have been going to a counsellor. My wife went to the doctor and was prescribed anxiety medication that she took three weeks to get the prescription filled and has yet to take one tablet. She has been to a counsellor twice now. The first time she said she needed time to think and the second time she said she needed time to rethink things. As if she would of said the things on her mind I would of walked out on her.
I asked what i did that was so wrong and she said it is nothing I have done. I am extremely upset and confused as she is cold to me, when she used to be warm and loving.
Side note her moods seem to get worse when our new baby has a bad day or the other children are misbehaving. She rarely goes out unless she has to. For a while her milk supply was low but she is on a supplement now. Which has improved the babies sleep pattern. He is now 4 months old.
I tell her I love and I am not going anywhere but she has stopped telling me she loves me. And most physical contact feels cold like she is doing because she has too. She does not want me holding her hand or cuddling up to her in bed. She has created a physical distance between us and I am not sure why.
I look after the children and help out around the house. We have a cleaner that comes one day a week. I work a busy job but I try and get home by 5pm most evening. I help cook dinner, and give her a break. She goes to a friends house and I stay home to keep on eye on all the children. When I am home she does as much as she wants to do and I do the rest.
I am at loss on how I can help her as she will not talk about it. everyone I talk to seems to think it is post natal depression. How can I help her when she want talk to me about it.
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2017 7:51:43 GMT
Welcome Ben
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Clearly it's having a huge impact on you I'm pleased though that you're receiving support and I hope that's helping.
Post natal illness or depression is such a cruel cruel illness which affects women in different ways. I'm not a health care practitioner and can't diagnose your wife not least because I don't know her it's hard to say whether the way she is behaving is as a result of PNI or not. However, clearly this change of behaviour towards you has come post natally and seemingly out of nowhere. You've mentioned that she feels worse when tired and her mother has said she might be depressed - do you know why? What did your wife get the anti anxiety meds for?
Sadly you're not the first husband to post here due to their wife's change in attitude towards them so this can definately be a symptom of PNI. I know when I was ill my thought patterns became completely irrational and maybe she is simply projecting her confusion/frustration on you without maybe even realising that you are not the problem? Did your wife suffer from any mental illness previously or have PNI before?
Have you spoken to any close friends of hers? Often women open to more to these than family members. You could perhaps speak to a health visitor/doctor - due to confidentiality they might not be prepared to reveal anything your wife has said but might be better able to judge what's going on.
You are really doing all the right things by being helpful and supportive - it must be tough for you. If you can encourage her to do a bit of exercise that releases endorphins - the feel good chemicals - which can help with mood. Could you suggest couples' counselling?
Most importantly do look after yourself. Factor in some enjoyment time for yourself even if it's just a little bit. I know that must be the last thing you want to do but keeping up your spirits is critical.
Do keep talking
Monica
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Post by Ben_C137 on Sept 18, 2017 13:14:02 GMT
Thank you for the response. I have started running again every day or at the minimum going for a long walk. I enjoy keeping myself busy with the kids as much as I possible can. I went to the Movies by myself at the weekend as I needed a break from the house. I am trying to realise I need to be a little selfish to keep myself in a good place. So I find time every day to do something for me.
At the moment I try and help her where I can. I am left waiting for her to let me know what she wants or what is wrong with her. I firmly believe it is post natal depression. But I think she finds it really hard to accept. She does not talk to her friends about it but she sort of talks to her parents. Her parents will not talk to me about it as they do not want to fall out with my wife. She is an only child.
It is good read posts on the forum I am finding as I feel I am not alone, and with luck there will be a good outcome.
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Post by monica on Sept 20, 2017 7:30:38 GMT
Hi Ben
It really sounds like you're doing all the right things for yourself and for your wife. Has she started to take the meds she was prescribed?
I was also thinking perhaps some sort of couples counselling might help - I don't know if this is the time to suggest this at the moment but maybe in the future.
You're certainly not alone. A male colleagues wife had PNI following each of their 3 children but was in complete denial and outwardly would pretend to others she was loving life. She used to tell him she didn't love him, was extremely bad tempered with him. In the end though I guess as the hormones levelled out so did her mood and they are fine , so there's hope. Incidentally does your wife find any time to herself maybe to cultivate an interest?
Do keep talking x
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Post by Ben_C137 on Sept 20, 2017 17:36:49 GMT
I have asked her about couple therapy but she has ignored it. Her usually take is we have things to talk about or I need time to think. But nothing comes of it. I am not sure what she is thinking about or what we need to talk about. She is still not taking medication, I mentioned it to the doctor on Monday.
She is doing things outside the house more. Most evenings she goes out to a friend across the road or to a movie. I am home with the kids. It is not helping our relationship but I am hoping it helps her.
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Post by monica on Sept 24, 2017 20:17:55 GMT
It's so difficult when your wife can't see what's going on and refuses to engage. What did the dr say when you told her she hadn't started medication?
Would there be any chance of just you two having a night out to the cinema or something low key and not too taxing?
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Post by Ben_C137 on Sept 25, 2017 19:09:36 GMT
The doctor only told me I am doing the right things to take of myself. Gave no insight in to my wife, I guess patient confidentiality means he will not talk about her. Really would like a third party to confirm to me that it is PND.
I have tried to suggest going to a movie, she is not interested.
At the moment things are not improving. My wife went to bed at 6:30pm on Saturday leaving me with the kids and the baby. She couldn't handle the childrens' behaviour said they were hateful. Spent the following day at home not interacting with anyone. Seems to be better today.
Going to see my therapist tomorrow morning need to talk through what is going on. Feeling like I am doing all I can do for her.
thank you for your support Monica.
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Post by monica on Sept 25, 2017 21:01:56 GMT
Hi You're certainly doing everything you can for your wife and plenty more than most men would. I hope she appreciates this one day and recognised how fortunate she is to have someone so caring, patient and understanding. My partner was a complete shit to me - I do recognise that I was a nightmare to live with and years later he did say he couldn't handle it. But I turned everything inwardly and took it out on myself and not others - I guess she's doing the opposite - two sides of the same coin. Another guy on here struggled in a similar fashion after the birth of twins. He hasn't posted in a while so don't know how he's doing but things did slowly improve between him and his wife so don't lose hope. pniorguk.proboards.com/thread/8572/seriously-verbally-abused-ears-listenI don't know whether it would help you to read that? Yes you're quite right to look after yourself at this difficult time. I don't know if you practise mindfulness- I've tried it a little and find it relaxing. Another thought I had - if your wife is suffering with PNI bad moments or periods known as blips can come and go - there could be several in a day however known triggers are frequently pmt, tiredness, illness, stress . In time they should become less intense but can be hard time deal with x
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Post by ben_c137 on Sept 26, 2017 16:20:42 GMT
Well been to the therapist. She is going to mention PND to my wife and mention we see a marriage counsellor. Told my wife that a marriage counsellor might help us. She says she is ready to talk about some things, but is to tired at the end of the day. Suggested maybe her parents take the kids so we can talk. She was rather non-committal to the idea.
Therapist agreed I am in limbo waiting for my wife to seek help for PND and to start talking to me about what she is going through.
I read the link you provided. It is comforting to know other men are going through spouses who are dealing with PND. It is sad that he has not responded in nearly two years. This forum is great tool for talking about PND. I read through a lot of the postings.
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Post by monica on Sept 28, 2017 16:08:53 GMT
Hi
I hope your wife comes round to the idea of relationship counselling - it might take a bit of time before she's ready to do it though. It would mean amongst other things facing what's been going on with her and she might not be willing just yet to do that, but it's positive she says she's ready to open up about certain issues.
How's the running going? Perhaps set yourself some targets/goals - it'll give you focus and might lift you.
How are the older children with everything that's been going on M. Have they noticed that mum isn't her usual self? I remember just before I got really ill my eldest was playing up and I lost it with him - I just s reamed and screamed in his face. He doesn't remember and got over it pretty quickly but it's an example of uncharacteristic behaviour.
The other guys story really echoed your yours - your really not alone. It would be interesting to know how things have worked out for him. Hopefully his wife has recovered and he longer has a need - some people do that and that's fine. For others the site becomes a painful reminder of their struggle. That's the beauty of the site is that the user has complete control and can stay as long as they wish to.
Keep talking
Monica
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Post by Ben_C137 on Oct 2, 2017 13:41:39 GMT
Enjoying the running. Am using a fitbit to track my steps and am being challenged by a good friend friend to keep exercising. Set myself a target of running 5km in 30 minutes and then 10km in an hour.
This week my wife has a therapist session. Hoping some progress is made and we can start discussing what is going on.
The kids seem to be doing OK. The household routine seems to be pretty stable at the moment.
On top of everything going on an important member of my family passed away. I am waiting to find out when the funeral is so I can travel across the Atlantic for the funeral. Which means leaving home for 5 days. A bit worried how the family will cope in my absence. Life is not getting any easier.
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Post by monica on Oct 3, 2017 15:33:06 GMT
Hi
I'm so sorry about the family bereavement. Aside from the grief you're feeling as a result of someone close dying, it's something else that's tough in your life. This may sound callous and I don't mean it in this way but try to use it as a breather from the home and use it as an opportunity to have some time to yourself visiting family and maybe getting in some quality time.
Really hope the therapy helps your wife and you too. Is it just for her? Great that the running is going well. Good luck with the 30 min target - I'm dreadfully slow - probably at 39 mins and I need to get back into it soon!
You're doing an amazing job - give yourself a huge pat on the back from time to time x
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Post by Ben_c137 on Oct 17, 2017 17:30:39 GMT
Well just got back from my trip home. It was great getting some support from my family. Although none of them could comprehend the situation I am facing or advice on what I should do. They just want me to look after myself.
Before I left my wife told me she did not think she had post natal depression as she has no bonding issues with our baby boy. I tried explaining why she might have PND but she ended the conversation. Whilst I was away my in laws had our two eldest children and Claire had the baby. She told me she didn't do very much just sleep and watch TV. Before I left she said she loved me. Which gave me hope for the future. However since then she has been back to her cold self again.
I can tell I am on the outside looking in on our family. As they celebrated a family event with her parents that we all normally attend, but they held it when I was away.
Life is hard at the moment. Trying to decide if I should walk away from her if she cannot admit what is wrong and work on our issues. Waiting to see the therapist in one weeks time. Maybe I am just emotionally exhausted between grieving the loss of my relationship with my soulmate and the death of an important family member.
Thank you for all your support. This forum has helped me keep going.
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Post by monica on Oct 18, 2017 6:52:27 GMT
Hi there
Welcome home! I'm glad you got family support even if the occasion was a sad one. It's completely normal to feel the way you do having to face losing someone close plus coupled with the issues at home. Given that you recognise your confusion perhaps don't make any quick or profound decisions. I wish I could guarantee that a year down the line your wife will be back to normal , but that's impossible however I do know that recovery can be slow especially when the sufferer can't see what's happening. Perhaps occasionally talk to your wife's parents to see if you can guage what's going on in your wife's mind. Does she have anymore Drs appts ?
In the meantime look after yourself. If you feel low make sure you talk to friends/family. Have the odd night up, keep up the running etc. I know from personal experience how hard it is to find any joy and pleasure from outside interests when you're in the midst of it all but it will do you goodx
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Post by ben_c137 on Oct 26, 2017 11:57:48 GMT
I am still waiting and not trying to rush to a decision. Can't talk to her parents as they see my family and I as the root cause of all the problems. Making sure I enjoy my time with kids, socialise a little and keeping healthy.
Not much I can do in the meantime just waiting on her to figure it out. She has another therapist appointment next week.
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