|
Post by Emily_1985 on Nov 8, 2017 17:29:26 GMT
Hi all, I’m not entirely sure how to put into words how I’m feeling.
My baby is nearly 3 weeks old (I know I haven’t given my hormones much time to settle). At first, I put it down to the ‘baby blues’. But I know it’s more than that.
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression in the past and have been medicated for it, but throughout my pregnancy I felt fine. However, I wake up every day now with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I panic every time baby is awake: because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to look after him. I feel completely and utterly incapable and useless, which in turn makes me feel incredibly guilty because my husband just seems to be able to do everything with ease (which isn’t fair on him because I’m expecting him to do it all). My husband went back to work today after paternity leave and I’ve spent most of the day either in tears or wanting to cry.
The midwife came out to visit me today and has arranged to visit again tomorrow. I know it’s supposed to be a supportive measure but it just serves to make me feel even more useless, like they’re checking up on me.
I’m absolutely terrified that my baby will start crying and not stop (I know he will eventually, but I mean for an extended period of time). I feel anxious to my very core every time he even so much as murmurs. I’m terrified beyond all measure that he will develop colic and that I will descend into an even deeper pit than the one I am already in. I’m terrified too that he will be awake all night, that neither my husband nor I will get any sleep, and that we’ll both have to exist in a state of constant exhaustion. I’m so very guilty that my husband is having to care for me as well as a newborn, in addition to having to work full time.
Everyone tells me that this is supposed to be a joyful time, but all I can do is resent the fact that my old life is gone and that the new reality I’m faced with makes me feel so bloody awful.
I know I’ve ranted here but it’s so difficult to put everything into words. I just need to know that it gets better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
|
|
frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
|
Post by frogface on Nov 8, 2017 17:49:11 GMT
Most joyful time my arse, it's a bloody nightmare early on!! It will get SO MUCH better, I promise. Your confidence will grow the more you look after your baby. Well done on getting through today yourself. That's a huge step. Try and see the visits as support rather than a judgement and do t be afraid of seeking further help if you feel it's needed. It's hard work learning to be a mum and you're doing fine.
Easier said than done, but as much as possible try to stay "in the moment". By this I mean when you catch yourself worrying about what might happen start describing in your head everything that is happening RIGHT NOW - sounds, smells, everything you see, points of contact between your own body and your baby or the ground.
And be really, really kind to yourself. Congratulations.
|
|
frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
|
Post by frogface on Nov 8, 2017 17:51:37 GMT
Another wee trick I learned is, instead of saying "I'm terrified that he will be awake all night" you can say "I notice that I've been having a feeling of terror about the baby being awake all night". Sounds crazy but say both out loud and you'll see how putting that bit of distance between you and your feelings stops them being so immediate and overwhelming.
|
|
|
Post by emily1985 on Nov 8, 2017 19:53:25 GMT
Thank you for the advice. I’ll certainly give it a go. From what you suggested, it seems like I need to try and change the way I think. The midwife today recommended some CBT, which I have tried before with little success, but I figure it can’t hurt to try it again.
This evening has been difficult since my husband got home from work. I think my baby is a little constipated and has been screaming for an hour or two. Every time he cries, I feel sick with panic. I feel so ridiculous!
|
|
frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
|
Post by frogface on Nov 9, 2017 9:22:33 GMT
It's not ridiculous, every time you think that you are judging yourself and making yourself feel worse. You're a new mum having a hard time - what would you say to a friend in the same boat?
The baby crying is normal, that's what they do, it's no reflection on anything except that they are learning what the hell is going on same as you. CBT is great for anxiety if you are in the headspace to take it on board. It has helped me a lot over the years and I still use it. Are you getting any sleep?
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 9, 2017 20:34:17 GMT
Welcome Emily
Society/media/friends and even ourselves paint this picture of perfect motherhood - the pressure we put on ourselves to fall into that role perfectly is huge. I felt exactly the same as you with my eldest child. I was scared to be alone with him as I just didn't know what to do! I hated him crying and the days alone when my partner was at work seemed to drag. It took time to build up that confidence and also to learn to read baby, coupled with hormones all over the place. Honestly, this is so common. The fear is horrible and it's quite easy for the anxiety to escalate. It actually sounds like you're doing a brilliant job of being a mum - your baby is growing and doing well - that's a huge achievement.
Well done on talking to your midwife - that's a huge step. Give the cbt a go. I learnt a few techniques when recovering from pni and they helped hugely.
Perhaps when you have a day on your own, try to break it down into chunks and focus on the here and now. Do you have friends or family nearby. Perhaps try to get out of the house a little for a walk. Babies usually like that and the fresh air will do you good too.
Do keep talking x
|
|
|
Post by emily1985 on Nov 10, 2017 8:40:58 GMT
Thank you for the advice, ladies.
Yesterday was day 2 of husband being back at work and it was a fraught day. I ended up sobbing uncontrollably and not being able to stop, so when my husband got home from work I was an absolute mess and baby was crying - I just couldn’t work out why, and that made me feel like a complete failure. I’m his mum; I should KNOW what’s wrong with him. But I don’t. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. Am I lacking a basic maternal instinct? Then the guilt hit because my husband had had a stressful day at work, then to come home to the scene he was faced with... it just isn’t fair on him. And of course that made me feel even more awful.
I also feel an immense about of guilt about the fact I hate my baby crying, not because it means he’s upset/hungry/in pain etc, but because selfishly I just can’t stand the noise. Again, what kind of mother am I if my baby’s cries make me feel desperately unhappy because of my own selfish needs, not his?
I just keep thinking how much I want my old life back.
I would never ever harm my baby, but only in the same way as I would never harm ANY baby. My own child could literally be anyone’s child at the moment. I feel like I’m babysitting, that at any moment someone will come and take him back from me and that’ll be that. I feel completely indifferent towards him; there’s no rush of love when I look at him, only an overwhelming sense of obligation.
|
|
frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
|
Post by frogface on Nov 10, 2017 11:34:23 GMT
Ah you poor thing I remember that feeling of "anyone's baby" it's miserable. And it is a sign of PNI for sure. Would you go and visit your Gp and explain what's going on? See what they suggest. Do you have any other family around that can support you? It will get easier.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 10, 2017 13:58:08 GMT
Hugs to you!
You say you should know why your baby is crying - why should you know this instinctively! You don't have telepathic instincts! It's often guesswork and overtime you learn what the cries mean - the usual check list - hungry , full nappy, tired, tummy ache . The crying illicits this stress response.
FF gives really good advice - go and talk to your dr or hv . Believe me you're not alone in how you feel at all. With support your confidence will grow and your fear will abate.
As for yearning for a time without your baby, this is normal and I used to feel this way too and then feel guilty about it. If you're going through a really phase I think it's understandable to wish you could go back to happier times.
You will get better though believe me x
|
|
|
Post by emily1985 on Nov 10, 2017 14:43:13 GMT
I have been to see my GP - a week ago today - and he prescribed me 50mg Sertraline. I’ve been on it before though and was up at 200mg previously so I doubt the dose I’m on now is going to have much of an effect. I know I feel worse now than I did when I stared taking them a week ago... although I also know that that can happen with anti-depressants.
I just can’t see an end to this misery. I know baby will get older and more independent, and that therefore it’ll be easier for me and my husband, but that seems such a long LONG way off.
I know that I need to try and help myself, too - walking, fresh air, exercise etc - but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired 😔.
Thank you for listening to me rant - I guess ultimately I just need to give myself time to feel better though?
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 10, 2017 15:45:06 GMT
Hi Believe me your doing all the right things and once meds kick in you'll start to feel better. You have a lot of insight into Pni which is great. It's common to feel this will never end when you're in the midst of these bleak feelings but life will improve. Do you have any support from family or friends? There's this great charity called Homestart . A volunteer can visit you once a week - they're trained to support you - and you control what you do. So you might want to offload or get them to accompany you for a walk.My volunteer was a wonderful and sympathetic lady who 'got' what I was going through. Would you be interested in this? www.home-start.org.uk/Also do you have any time for yourself? Maybe even an hr every week to go and get your hair cut can work wonders x
|
|
|
Post by emily1985 on Nov 10, 2017 16:27:11 GMT
I’ll certainly have a look at the Homestart scheme you mentioned, thank you.
I’ve noticed I feel much worse in the mornings - a common symptom of PND I believe? I think it’s because I think about the long day stretching out ahead of me, and everything that could potentially go wrong. I do have a supportive network of family and friends, and my husband is fantastic, but I don’t want to burden people. Everybody has their own lives to live and their own problems to deal with and I don’t feel as though I can go on and on about my issues. Apart from anything else, from the outside I should be happy - I’ve got a healthy little boy, a great husband, a home etc etc. But I’m just not, and I don’t feel that I can admit that to people.
My mother suffered with very bad PND after the birth of my younger sister. She was suicidal and suffered for a year or more. She passed away last year due to cancer, and more than anything I want to be able to talk to her about the way I’m feeling. I know she’d just ‘get’ it, like you mentioned, Monica, about the Homestart volunteer. I wonder if there’s a family link with PND?
I don’t reallt know what I’m expecting any of you to say - I know you can’t make me feel better. But it helps just getting it all out, so thank you again for listening.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 10, 2017 18:26:46 GMT
It's very common to feel worse in the mornings for the reasons you mentioned but there's also a physiological/chemical reason. I found an article somewhere giving an explanation but can't find it for love nor money.
As for why anyone falls victim to Pni, it isn't always apparent. Many women have seemingly perfect lives yet suffer with this illness. For some there's a hormonal link, for others it's the change in lifestyle , having previous mental health issues can also put one at higher risk. For me I pressurised myself with being perfect . Instead of resting I would be on the go for hours on end coupled with worries about my older sons health , I burnt myself out.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mums death. Never more do you need her now I imagine . It makes all of this all the more difficult and I'm guessing you miss her more than ever. Do lean on those close to you. Maybe talk to friends and if you're worrying about being a burden say to them that they can tell you to stop talking about how you are if it gets too much. Saying that most friends and family will want to support you in sure x
I hope we can help you. All of us can relate to how terrible this illness is and how isolating it can make you feel. This is your space to offload .
|
|
frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
|
Post by frogface on Nov 10, 2017 19:05:33 GMT
Did the gp say if/when to go back? Don't wait and do go back next week if you feel no improvement. I'm so sorry about your mum, you must feel a terrible hole.
It really sounds like you are managing really well under difficult circumstances and doing all the right things as much as you can, remember to congratulate yourself. Hope the weekend is ok.
|
|
|
Post by emily1985 on Nov 11, 2017 17:19:41 GMT
I think everything has most definitely been made harder by the fact that my mum isn’t here for me to lean on and talk to. Especially as she suffered with PND herself, it’d be of great comfort to be able to discuss my feelings with her.
Today had some better moments. I went to the hairdressers and left baby with my husband. It was nice to get out of the house for a bit and feel a semblance of my old self again. But then I came home, and fell straight back into the role of ‘mummy’ again. We got very little sleep last night and the sleep deprivation makes me feel a whole lot worse.
The endlessness is what is the worst for me. The endlessness of nappies and feeding and crying and tiredness and repeat repeat repeat. The endlessness scares me, because for every other crappy situation there’s a resolution or at the very least an end point - but there isn’t for this.
|
|