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Post by emily1985 on Nov 11, 2017 17:24:24 GMT
My doctor said he would call me back in a fortnight from my appointment to see how the Sertraline was working - that’s in a week from now. To be honest, I can’t see that any improvement has been made so far - if anything, I feel worse - and I’ll be telling him that. Hopefully at that point he’ll agree to increase the dose. A whole week seems like it’s a long way away, though.
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Nov 11, 2017 22:58:05 GMT
Call back on Monday and say you are feeling worse. Or get your husband to do it fo r you. Sometimes you have to really push to get the help you need.
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Post by monica on Nov 13, 2017 9:34:25 GMT
How are you doing?getting advice from dr would be really good. It can take a few weeks for meds to start working and as you've said you can feel worse initially - I did for sure. I was given diazepam to take the edge off the extra anxiety . I'm sure reassurance and advice will help you x
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Post by emily1985 on Nov 14, 2017 15:24:54 GMT
Yesterday was horrific. My baby was constipated and it seemed like every time he was awake he screamed. I tried to go out shopping, some retail therapy. But that proved to be the very worst idea. Baby screamed in shop after shop, and everybody looked at me like I was the worst mother who ever lived. I tried to feed him in a coffee shop but it was difficult at best because I hadn’t remembered a ready made bottle, so I had to ask for boiling water to make up the formula, and then I didn’t have enough hands... it was just so stressful. I ended up struggling not to cry and drove home vowing never to go out again. When husband got home from work, I was sobbing again. He had to take baby out and away from me.
Today my dad has been over to look after both me and baby, and that has helped some, because I’ve been able to get some jobs done and have a break from being a mum for a while. The midwife and health visitor have both been over and recommended groups for me to go to to help develop my bond with baby. I still just feel indifference at best towards him. The guilt I feel increases every single day. I feel guilty that I don’t love baby more, I feel guilty that motherhood doesn’t come naturally to me, I feel guilty that my husband is having to look after us all. I’m also developing an anxiety about my husband leaving. He’s shown absolutely no signs of it and I’ve never doubted him before, but now I’m almost certain he’s going to get fed up with me and this whole situation, pack his bags and leave. And then I really will be on my own.
The doctor is phoning back on Friday, and although that’s only three days away it feels like a lifetime.
Thank you for giving me the space to vent.
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Post by monica on Nov 14, 2017 17:53:50 GMT
Please believe me every single mum has had days just like the one you've had. Nightmare feeding/screaming - it feels as if you can't do anything right but the reality is no one else could have done anything differently. To put a different spin on things baby screamed but you dealt with it - yes it was hard but you sourced boiling water, made up a bottle so actually you succeeded brilliantly! So tonight pat yourself on the back for that!
You're aren't failing in any way. You're doing an amazing job - honestly. I think a big issue is the lack of confidence you have in being a mum. Doing activities like baby massage or spending even small amounts on time just focusing on baby and building up will help with bonding.
I ha e to say I never felt that overwhelming rush of love you hear about when baby is born. It grew and it will do with you. Everyone is different.
I'm glad today is better x
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Nov 14, 2017 18:24:28 GMT
Agree with everything monica said - you've absolutely no reason to feel guilty - we're all just trying to do our best. I bet half those people looking at you were thinking "thank god that part of my life is over". Could you go out for a walk yourself tomorrow when dh gets in? I'm glad your dad is there. Take all the support you can get and hang on till Friday.
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Post by monica on Nov 17, 2017 19:11:23 GMT
Just thinking of you. How have things been?
Monica
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Post by emily1985 on Nov 19, 2017 17:29:49 GMT
Hi ladies. Things have been a bit better the past couple of days, because it’s been the weekend and therefore my husband has been at home. Everything is so much easier when you have two pairs of hands to muck in. We managed to get out and do some Christmas shopping which was pleasant, and I had a coffee with some friends this morning which was also good. But I can feel my anxiety building again throughout this evening because it’s Monday tomorrow and that means a whole week stretching out on my own with baby. I’m dreading it.
My worry about baby getting colic is starting to dissipate a little because he’s a month old now, and so far shows no signs of it. But in place of that worry are new ones revolving around sleep - I’ve been looking forward to the 6-8 week mark because I’ve been told that babies sleep longer at that stage, but now I’m imagining that my baby will be the one who won’t sleep until he’s 2 years old, and that we’ll exist in a constant state of exhaustion. When I think I’ve gotten over one anxiety, another fills its place. It’s exhausting feeling contstantly on edge.
My health visitor referred me to a group for parents who haven’t bonded properly with their babies. I’m not sure what the group involves, but I figure I may as well contact them and see what they can offer me. If the help is there, I may as well take it.
The doctor increased my setraline to 100mg which I’m hoping will help a bit, but I suspect I’ll need it putting up from there still. I have to give it a go though. I’m sleeping a bit better though. Should I attribute that to the Sertraline, or general exhaustion?
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Post by monica on Nov 20, 2017 15:12:02 GMT
Hi
Glad the weekend was nice and relaxing. It makes sense that your anxiety was building up yesterday with the thought of being alone with baby. How has today been? Is there anything you could do to break up weekdays? Meet with a friend or family member? Perhaps sign up to a baby message class? They're usually very well run and the instructors are on hand to help out. These groups tend to be small so you might feel less overwhelmed in s more intimate setting. Did you manage to get in touch with the bonding group. I'd say it's well worth a try - you don't ha e to go but it may well prove useful.
Great to hear the sleeping is better. I guess it coukd be down to either or both meds and exhaustion. Hopefully you'll settle further if the dose is upped x
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Post by emily1985 on Nov 20, 2017 17:51:15 GMT
Hi Monica, thanks for replying. It’s nice to know I have an outlet for my feelings and thoughts here; it really helps.
Today was more stressful. I went to have a look round the local children’s centre, which has a lot of great groups and resources to use, but I just can’t imagine having the confidence to use them. One of the workers there persuaded me to fill in the form for the group for parents who haven’t bonded properly with their babies. It felt like a huge knock because I had to go though a questionnaire of my feelings. It was so awful having to admit that actually, I don’t enjoy my baby, I do feel a lot of negativity towards him, and that I need help bonding with my own child. Any positivity I gained from the weekend just disappeared because it highlighted how much of a failure as a mother I really am. One of the questions focused on whether I’d experienced any bereavements, to which I said yes, my mum had passed away last year. I think the support workers in the group are going to put a lot of my anxiety down to the loss of my mum, which it could be, but I also don’t think it’s quite that simple.
I’m so very tired ALL THE TIME from feeling constantly anxious. I’m panicky from the moment I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. I got short of breath earlier when I was driving to the children’s centre, and I wanted to sob. I really don’t want my panic attacks to start up again because I really thought I’d gotten over them.
I’m trying so hard to remain positive and look forward, I really am. But everything seems very bleak.
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Nov 20, 2017 22:23:56 GMT
Oh you poor thing you are not a failure my god you are doing so well and it's obvious how hard you're trying despite how bad things seem. Please give yourself some credit, you're doing EVERYTHING right to help yourself. It will get better, it's hard to see but it will. You seem to have such a good grip on exactly what you are feeling and what support you need - that's a huge step in the right direction. Try to be patient and kind to yourself. I felt all those things with my daughter and the guilt is overwhelming but it took me so long to accept that I needed help that set me back months. You are being way more proactive than I ever was. It will take time but it will get easier.
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Post by monica on Nov 21, 2017 17:09:01 GMT
You're not a failure at all ! Rome wasn't built in a day and it will take time to establish a strong bond and to recover from this cruel illness. You're really doing all the right things though and that takes a huge amount of effort and courage - be proud of yourself for going to the children's centre and filling in the form. It's fantastic they're running a class to help with bonding - just proves this is more common than you think and you're certainly not alone.
Have you tried breathing techniques to help with the anxiety. I found firstly taking slow deep breaths through my stomach really helpful (place your hand on your tummy to feel it rising) and secondly tensing my muscles for 5-10 secs then relaxing and repeat, very helpful X
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Post by monica on Dec 7, 2017 13:47:07 GMT
Hi Emily
I was just wondering how you were doing?
Monica
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Post by emily1985 on Dec 8, 2017 18:59:01 GMT
Hi Monica. Things are very up and down, but thank you for asking. I’m now on 150mg of Sertraline and am having fortnightly checkups with the doctor. I’ve been trying really hard to get out and about and have been to a few different mum and baby groups which has helped a bit. Some days are immeasurably easier than others still though. I find myself longing for the weekend when my husband will be at home to help out, but when Monday comes around again I could sob all day long.
Baby is now 7 weeks old and I’ve spent the past week very down about the fact that everyone told me it would get easier at 6 weeks, and it didn’t, and then I felt disappointed and even more of a failure, like i must be doing something wrong because if anything it’s getting harder. He won’t sleep during the day and so I don’t have any time to myself at all, which I’m finding very hard. Then come 4pm/5pm he cries inconsolably because he’s overtired, and because his crying is the main source of my anxiety it’s just the very worst hour or two.
I keep waiting for the bond to appear, to feel connected in some way with baby. It still isn’t there though. I still feel as though I’m just babysitting somebody else’s baby.
I read a magazine article the other day about a mother who suffered with PNI and ended up going to a unit for mums and babies. There were nurses on call 24/7 to look after the babies if the mums didn’t feel that they could, and so they could get some sleep. All I could think was how much I’d like to go somewhere like that, just go away somewhere for a few months until things get easier.
Nobody has actually told me whether or not I have postnatal depression/anxiety. In some ways I wish they would, because then at least I’d know what it was, and not just that I’m failing.
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Post by monica on Dec 9, 2017 19:36:18 GMT
Hi You are really doing so well with getting out and about even though I imagine at times it's the last thing you want to do - I'm really pleased it helps so do keep going. 'Better' is such an subjective description - I remember with my eldest child, things only felt better at about the 3 month mark when he stopped crying the second he awoke for a feed and also when I got him onto to bottles as the breast feeding wasn't easy for me. For other mums it may be when colic finishes, for some it's when they start smiling, again it may be when they start sleeping through the night in other cases. You are judging yourself by other people's bench marks which in reality have no bearing on you and your baby. Try not to do that as you'll always find yourself falling short (even though this comparison has no meaning) and thereby making yourself feel like a failure needlessly. You're doing a marvellous job. Just from what you've written in your last post you are able to read your baby's moods eg the tired cry at the end of the day, you taking baby out to groups, clearly he's well and thriving and that's down to you. Try and focus on your achievements. At the end of each day pick out things that went well and focus on these. In general how have you felt since starting medication? Do you feel you're improving even if it's slowly?You mentioned in a previous post you referred yourself to a group to help with bonding - have you heard from the organisers or been? Have a go at baby massage - you can go to a group or just have a look at youtube perhaps. www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwwmorKTyfQSinging to baby can help too - I've got an awful voice but all three of mine loved songs/nursery rhymes sang by me - sure they don't appreciate my voice now! A lady on here who also had trouble bonding suggests going through the motions of laughing smiling and joking with your baby even if your hearts not really into it - this 'faking' can become genuine enjoyment. Do you have friends or family nearby. If you do perhaps get them to pop over espcially on a Monday. Having company can make that difficult day easier and act as a distraction. I'm not a health care professional but to me it does sound as if you have post natal illness (it's a more all encompassing term for pnd) - feeling low, anxious, crying, alone, feelings of failure and bonding issues are all common symptoms. Additionally, the fact you've been put on antidepressants shows that the doctor recognises you're struggling. Is there any possiblitly you could have a bit of time without baby just to do something for you? Im sure that would give you a boost too. Keep talking ! Monica
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