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Post by Megan Jones on Mar 31, 2018 16:47:21 GMT
I’m new to the forum. I have 2 boys aged 3 years and 4 months, and 7 months. I realise now that I had PND and OCD after the birth of my first son. I had intrusive thoughts and was very low and depressed but I never received any help. I felt better when I went back to work when my son was 1. This time it’s been much much worse. There has been a series of things that I think have contributed to the state I’m now in. We moved house in September 2017, 3 weeks after my second son was born, which was unsettling (it doesn’t feel like home even now 6 months on). My brother was very ill in November and we thought he would die. My brother has always been a source of worry and stress as he has been a drug addict for over 20 years. My parents are elderly (77 and 83) and it worried me immensely how much stress and worry he brings them as they are always bailing him out both financially and practically. He pulled through but then my mum was very ill in December. She has a stroke then heart problems. I went in an ambulance with her on a blue light on her birthday and they took her straight to resuscitation. I thought I would lose her. All this time my pnd has already began but I was coping. It involved intrusive thoughts about my son but I was managing and it wasn’t as frequent as with my first son. I had started by January though to dread my husband going to work. I had started where I didn’t want to be home alone, like I need to be around others all the time. I’d started to think differently about life generally after having my second and last baby. It’s like I only then realised how short life is and how we only do things once, like having young children. I can’t explain it very well. Its like I had the thought for the first time that we all die that even my boys will die and it has shaken me so bad. At the start of February my mum and dad’s dog who was my dog originally and who I loved very much had to be put to sleep. He was 15 and a half and his back legs were going and he was incontinent. He had stopped enjoying his life as he didn’t want to go out much and he seemed to have had enough. I held him when they put him to sleep with my mum. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done as it went against every grain in my body as I adored him. He was the loveliest friend you can imagine. Almost straight after that my depression became severe. The ocd became extreme. My thoughts have been completely surrounding death. I’m in a constant state of fear about losing my parents mainly but also my husband and children. It’s like I had rose tinted glasses on about life and almost as if I thought we all live forever, I know it sounds stupid. It’s like at age 37 I’m only just aware of everyone’s mortality. I worry about losing people I love all day and my ocd is around these thoughts. I just can’t accept that I will have to face losing my parents and can’t even think about the horror of losing my husband or children . I know I must sound pathetic to some people. I’ve been put on antidepressants but feel so let down by the gp and the system. It’s a long story that I won’t go into but I’ve been passed from pillar to post. I’m now on venlafaxine and awaiting cbt but whilst waiting for nhs cbt I’ve paid for a few private sessions and so far it’s not helped at all. I’m terrified this is now how I will be forever and that it’s not just the pnd. I’m terrified I won’t get back to how I was and will be plagued by these thoughts for the rest of my life which makes me feel it’s not worth living. If you’ve read this far then thank you. If anyone else has ever developed this fear and obsession with death as part of pnd and overcome it or got better I would love to know that as it might give me some hope that I can get through this.
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Post by leanneh on Mar 31, 2018 19:39:28 GMT
Hi Megan,
Glad you've found us! It sounds like you've had a really tough time of it and to add the PND into the mix with that is only going to have made things harder. I'm sorry you've been let down by the system. I too felt this way! If it helps to go into it then by all means please do! We are happy to listen. I was initially put on an antidepressant but after an initial peak of feeling better for the first couple of weeks, I quickly dipped again. At that point they switched what I was on and I took sertraline which the CPN felt in her experience was better for helping my symptoms. This drug made such a difference once we had played around with the dose a bit so don't just accept the antidepressant you are on if you don't feel it's helping. Have you been offered any talking therapies to help with the thoughts?
Whilst I didn't have the OCD type thoughts I have met women who have and who have come through the other side so I promise you that you won't feel like this forever. Whilst it may feel like it you have so far had little support by the sounds of it and plenty of triggers. Even someone without PND would have found it hard to deal with what you have been through. You will get better and by posting on here it seems like you have the fight to try and get better. We will help you get there!xx
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Post by monica on Mar 31, 2018 22:23:22 GMT
Welcome to the site !
I'm sorry life is such a struggle atm. I too was obsessed with illnesses and dying - it was 24/7 terror which I just could not get my head.
Leanne gives great advice re meds. It can get take several weeks for them to kick in but if you don't feel much better go back to GP . It's worth trying something different.
I can see why you got your obsessive thoughts about dying. You've been through so much in terms of close family members being seriously ill and your dog dying all at a time when you were hormonally vulnerable after having your baby. It sounds like it created a perfect storm for Pni.
Please don't despair - you will recover. Finding meds and maybe counsellor or type of therapy that works will put you in good stead. Cognitive behavioural therapy can be really effective in challenging negative thought patterns. Also doesn't Barry different relaxation techniques. It's easy to be permanently anxious and stressed so focusing on calming can help.
Pls keep talking x
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Post by Megan Jones on Apr 1, 2018 8:17:38 GMT
Thank you for your replies. My death fear is not sommuch my death or illness more I’m having severe trouble accepting that we all will die. I’ll have to deal with the death of my parents and I just cannot accept that. I don’t believe I will be able to live with the pain it will bring. I’m In such fear all the time and confused about what we are all here for when ultimately it leads to death for everyone. I feel let down by healthcare professionals because my gp started my on sertraline which after increasing the dose at 3 weeks in made me so much worse. I felt at rock bottom and so she said she would refer me to a psychiatrist for advice on what medication to put me on. She had already put me on a waiting list for cbt. Anyway the mental health team didn’t let me see a psychiatrist. Initially they just phoned me and tried to fob me off saying my cbt appointment was only 3 weeks away and if I saw a psychiatrist this would have to be delayed. I was in such a state they then said I could see a mental health nurse in the next two days. He just reassured me a plan was in place and that he had emailed a psychiatrist for advice on my medication and I would have cbt in a few weeks. He didn’t hardly ask me anything about my problem it was such a pointless meeting. I then saw the gp who said she had an email from the psychiatrist who recommended venlafaxine. When I looked this up the nhs guidelines say you should try this only if 2 different ssri medicines haven’t worked so I feel I’ve been put on this too soon. I’m concerned as there are horror stories online about trying to get off it. Eventually by a chance conversation with a stranger I learned about a local Peri natal mental health tea. That I should have been referred to. I was by then outside their 6 month period for referrals but they have taken me on anyway although I aren’t getting the services I would have if I’d been referred in 6 months. I think it’s just a mental health nurse coming to see me every week and she spoke to their psychiatrist about my medication . I really feel I need to see a psychiatrist though. I’ve had 4 private cbt sessions in the meantime that haven’t helped yet. I don’t feel I have a rapport with the therapist though. I’m just hoping the nhs cbt helps me. My depression is so bad I don’t feel I can go on with life like it currently is. I’m afraid this is just how I will always be. Now I’ve started thinking about the fact we all have to die I feel I can’t I think it I can’t get past it. If my life is going to be so focused on death I don’t feel It’s worth living in fear for however many years. All the healthcare proxy just say to go to a and e if I feel suicidal. I’ve never planned to take my life but I do feel it’s not worth living because I can’t see myself getting better. I’m scared this is just me now I’ve had this realisation about how short life is and it’s not depression
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Post by monica on Apr 1, 2018 14:00:34 GMT
I've always had a fear of death for very similar reasons to you and it's linked to hypochondria in my case too. I was like this but it took on new proportions when I had Pni. The fear I felt was something horrific and anxiety levels soared - I have never felt and thing like it and it was incredibly debilitating. Also when you're in that dark place it's impossible to imagine life changing for you.
Please believe it will. Finding treatment that works prescribed by good dr makes the world of difference. Is there a health care professional you've come across whom you trust? Health care trusts have advocacy groups who can help you in putting in complaints and getting the help you need. Tragically the NHS is so underfunded that your experience of being passed from pillar to post not with your needs not being met is s common story. There's usually a psychiatrist with perinatal experience - maybe it's not too late to get one. Can I ask which health care authority you fall under? Pm me if that's better for you . You've been hugely let down by the healthcare systemx
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Post by Megan Jones on Apr 1, 2018 17:25:03 GMT
Thank you for replying again Monica. My last post was so full of typos it doesn’t make sense in parts. It might sound like I’m being silly about the situation with healthcare professionals but I’ve missed parts out of what I said as I wasn’t thinking too clearly earlier. Have you managed to overcome your fear of death Monica? The thought of this taking over my life forever is unbearable. I’m in Cheshire east area. I’ve seen a mental health nurse who is part of a peri-natal team once who is coming again on Tuesday and I will try to tell her how I feel about not getting the right support and help but I’m worried that might affect how they treat me. I never imagined that depression could be this dark. I honestly can’t see me getting through it, I feel as though I’ve just changed forever. Just to know you think it is possible to get better helps me though as that is my biggest fear apart from the fear of losing people, particularly my mum and dad at the moment. Thank you for replying today on a bank holiday weekend too x
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Post by monica on Apr 3, 2018 8:11:34 GMT
Hi there
You will recover from these awful symptoms - I know exactly how hard it feels like thinking this it forever - petrifying, exhausting and suffocating - but it will pass.
My fear of death existed before Pni - I'd say it's much much better now . I'm able to rationalise whwn slightly triggered and it no longer rules me at all. You will get back to your normal self . It's bloody hard work but once recovered it will all become a distant memory.
Good luck with your nurse's visit today - try to be as open as you can . It'll help them help you if they know how you feel plus tailor any treatment to your needs. Let us know how you get on.
Don't worry about the typos - I could understand what you wrote. Mine are far worse!
Monica
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Post by leanneh on Apr 4, 2018 8:45:04 GMT
Hi Megan,
How did the nurse visit go? The NHS are ridiculously underfunded and I never felt I received the proper help I needed either. Like you I felt that if I pushed fo the help they would get annoyed with me and it would affect the care I received. The problem is because what they were doing wasn't enough for me I ended up being discharged without feeling better really. It's so hard as unfortunately you do really need to fight for the treatment you deserve but it's at a time when you really don't have the energy to fight for it. What did the CPN say yesterday? I found that the CPN was actually as knowledgable as the psychiatrist with regards to the drugs. My CPN sorted mine by discussing it with the psychiatrist and then she wrote to my Gp telling her what to prescribe. Could be worth a try?
Do you know if your perinatal team has any sort of service user forum who provide peer support and/or work in conjunction with the team? We have this here and they may be able to liaise with the perinatal team for you to help you out. I chair our local perinatal service user forum and it's certainly something I would be prepared to do to help one of our mums.
I don't have experience regarding fear of death as such but I was suicidal when I was unwell. It's such a dreadful place to be in but you will get through it. I have and don't experience those same thoughts now. Only a year ago I was though so please don't feel like you will be feeling this way forever. I did find the CBT helpful in changing tjtraining way I thought, especially as I got better at doing it and could use it myself outside of the appointments. That way if I found my thinking heading that way I could turn it round and bring it back myself xx
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Post by leanneh on Apr 13, 2018 11:20:23 GMT
How are you doing Megan?x
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Post by monica on Apr 26, 2018 17:24:30 GMT
Hi Megan
I'm hoping you're feeling better?
Monica
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