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Post by monica on Sept 28, 2020 8:26:50 GMT
Hi
I'm sorry Saturday seemed to bring back a resurgence of those old PNI feelings. The memory of those difficult times takes a while to fade and as if you experience anything similar no matter how fleeting it can bring back those fears and memories of that traumatic experience. Im so sorry to hear about your aunt - that's very upsetting for you and bound to have an impact. Were you close?
You've got so much going on EC! Alot of people have said the same - lockdown and lack of the usual activities brought with it calm and a temprorary halt to the constant taxiing kids around to their various activities and it was great! It's exhausting for you plus you now have a baby in tow. This pressure to get to places on time (my pet hate), plus rushing sounds as if it's contributing to how you're feeling. Hope you get through to the dr - let me know how you get on! You might be surprised re waiting lists for cbt - always worth a go. Plus being perinatal, you might be a priority.
You can cope with 3 kids under 5 - you're doing an amazing job but maybe as you said the way you're feeling is a little warning light that it's just too much atm. I mean anyone would feel pretty lousy just rushing 24/7. Is there anyway you could readjust your schedule? Pause some of theactivities for several months, get family and friends to help you out a bit? Maybe hubby to give you a regular slot just for yourself weekly.. no kids, no chores! I'd take you out for a coffee if you were local to me!
Always glad to reply to you. you're a lovely lady! I don't think you quite realise how amazing and insightful you are anyway - I do think this illness can dampen the self confidence alot too x
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ec
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Post by ec on Sept 28, 2020 16:42:57 GMT
Hi Monica Thank you for your reply. It’s so reassuring to have someone who understands. My aunt lived a couple of hours away and although we didn’t see her lots we spoke on the phone fairly often. When someone you know dies I think it always bring our own mortality home. I am speaking to doctor tomorrow on the phone. I had a lot of anxiety last night and couldn’t get back to sleep after baby woke at 4.30 although she was awake again an hour later. I’m really feeling all the aches and pains again that I had with pni and the blips. Haven’t felt like this in my body for a year and a half. In my scariest moments I worry I’ll get Covid and with my pni symptoms it will be so much worse. I go into catastrophising mode that I’ll be bed bound unable to care for my children. This has definitely been a reoccurring theme for me postnatally. My mother has alcohol dependency and throughout my childhood would often be lying on the sofa. I guess I’m worried about being like her in a different form as I rarely drink. I so desperately want my children to have a better childhood than I did. That’s a good idea taking a bit of time out just for me. I’ll try put that in place. I’ll also try to calm the schedule down. I can feel my stress levels rising as I’m late for things and got to feed the baby, change her etc before leaving. Thank you for your kind words about my insight, I just wish I could apply it when I’m feeling heightened emotion. I keep trying to remember that it’s the difficult times that build resilience. X
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Post by monica on Sept 29, 2020 12:51:49 GMT
HiEC
Have you spoken to the dr? I hope that he/she gave you reassurance.
I'm sorry your childhood which I'm guessing was quite difficult due to your mum's drinking is featuring in your anxieties. You are in no way like your mum but I guess that doesn't easily stop those thoughts/worries of not being to care for your own children in a similar way from resurfacing. PNI can do that - bring those (even if irrational) fears to the forefront of your mind. You're a brilliant mum, there for your children. Running afteer three young children is exhausting, constantly chasing your tail. Making any adjustments necessary for your own well being is being sensible! I really feel for you as that feeling of having to constantly rush is just horrible - I know it well from doing it with my kids. Lockdown was great for that!
Everyone struggles at times - i know i have moments when irrationality and logical thinking seem to go out the window even if I can tell myself I should think a certain way. Covid is one of those tough things -we're bombarded by discussions about it 24/7 so it's hard to get away from it all, though in reality the likelihood is that even if you get it youd be fine, maybe a bit unwell and the kids would probably not show any symptoms.
Big hugsx
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 1, 2020 18:55:08 GMT
Hi Monica The doctor has upped my dose of anti depressants. I was on half a tablet and now taking 1 tablet. The last few days I feel like I’ve been getting more anxious. Sometimes it passes and then starts up again a few hours later. I feel like it’s jumping to different subjects, sometimes health anxiety, other times I worry I’ll go back to having the obtrusive thoughts like after my third pregnancy. Feel low about This happening again. I got to 3 months this time being generally ok, further than the other 2 postpartum periods. I’m worried that the tablets won’t work and I will get worse. I just can’t understand why this can hit you at different times in the postpartum period. I thought being over the newborn phase I was over the worst. I so wanted to enjoy my baby without this crap but then I think it’s my perspective that is the problem and I have to learn to enjoy this moment despite it. X
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 1, 2020 18:56:02 GMT
Sorry just reread and it was obtrusive thoughts after my first birth x
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Post by monica on Oct 2, 2020 17:17:14 GMT
Hi EC
Really hope you feel better quickly. It’s incredibly scary if you’re worrying about falling ill again - a sort of vicious circle. You worry about the anxiety so those thoughts pop into your head all the more. Hopefully the meds increase will stop the anxiety .
I wish I could work out this illness too - but please don’t panic you’re doing all the right things . And there are always plenty of things to try if you start to feel worse. Even though you’ve had a wobble possibly due life becoming a bit crazy again?? It doesn’t mean at all you’re going to fall ill again x
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 5, 2020 12:38:04 GMT
Thanks Monica Sometimes when I’m experiencing a heavy head or spaced out feeling it’s still hard to believe that this is caused by mental distress. The fact that I’ve got the same physical symptoms as before means that it must be though. X
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Post by monica on Oct 5, 2020 21:20:09 GMT
Hi
Are you having a lot of this atm? The spaced out feeling was the symptom I found the hardest to deal with for sure. You’re right - you’ve been here before and it’ll pass. How’s the anxiety? X
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 9, 2020 9:19:47 GMT
Yes a lot of feeling spaced out and muscle pain almost like I can feel the cortisol. Must be a different set of hormones though which also must be responsible as I had periods of stress during pregnancy and I didn’t get these symptoms. I do feel less anxious though I think (don’t want to tempt fate saying this) Although I do get waves of worrying about the virus but I suppose that’s normal. How are you? Hope you are well x
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Post by monica on Oct 9, 2020 21:24:41 GMT
Hi EC
I hope the increased meds are kicking in - glad you’re less stressed. As I mentioned I used to get the spaced out feeling - it’s not pleasant. I think for me it was ages before I found out what caused it and it was the not knowing that really got to me. I’m guessing the muscle pain is a reaction to being tense? Hopefully that’ll subside quickly.
Have you got anything planned for the weekend? Think it’s a quiet one for us! X
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 10, 2020 7:38:49 GMT
The spaced out feeling does make me feel anxious when it lasts a few days. I try and remember it won’t be for ever but it’s hard when it lasts a few days. Hopefully the meds will make a difference. I can’t really remember how long it was before I felt an improvement last time but I know I did. I guess my mind catastrophises that it won’t get better. No plans for the weekend. How’s work? X
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Post by monica on Oct 10, 2020 13:12:46 GMT
Hi
I think that doubt that you’ll be the exception to the rule, is very common. But you will improve ! You did before! I hope you manage to get some R&R in this weekend! Make it happen!
Ours is a quiet one too. I’ve just eaten half a large bar of galaxy and sat down to watch Terminator. Oh yeah, I know how to rock and roll!! X
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Post by monica on Oct 10, 2020 13:18:55 GMT
Sorry you asked about work! It’s ok and quite busy. In an ideal world I’d like a career change but now is certainly not the time. I started up a little side line interpreting which I eNjoy and it’s challenging but the money is dreadful. It’s fine as a top up to my income but I couldn’t give up my job for it! When do you return to work? X
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ec
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Post by ec on Oct 11, 2020 19:34:12 GMT
What language do you interpret? I think I’ll probably go back to work after Easter. Sorry to moan on about my symptoms, I guess I just feel frustrated that they seem to have returned. I think maybe it was inevitable I would be stressed with a new baby and sorting the other children out with school, nursery and clubs. I remember equally feeling stressed in my body after my first child and remember the tension in my shoulders but didn’t get physical pni symptoms. Don’t know if it was because the hormones were different ( my first child was a boy and the other 2 that I have had similar physical symptoms were both girls) Who knows. I know that is all perspective and especially towards the end of my pni last time the spaced out feeling didn’t bother me half as much. I know that I’m starting to focus on it again, which makes me anxious about it and then the anxiety makes the symptoms worse. Then I feel frustrated at myself for feeling anxious. I try and remember I’ve been here before but I guess I worry that these symptoms will get worse if I get coronavirus. It’s all just anxiety at the root of it and catastrophising. Do you think meds can stop pni developing? I wonder whether they can keep the physical symptoms at bay or just make me feel not so anxious about having them? The physical nature makes me feel out of control and reminds me of the trauma of last time. I have started running, only been out yesterday but will try and go every other day to give me some endorphins. Maybe it’s just everything that’s going on also making me feel low. Sorry to ramble on, writing everything in my head helps I think. I still look back at all my old posts to try and remind myself that I did recover. X
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Post by monica on Oct 11, 2020 21:19:28 GMT
Hi EC
You're not moaning at all about how you're feeling! It's extremely frustrating for you to see a reappearance of these horrible symptoms when all you want to do it get on with life without them!I've never worked out which came first me with me - the physical symtoms caused the anxiety or vice versa but I have no doubt pregnancy hormones played a huge part. It's bloody exhausting too all that running around, being on time, cooking, feeding, cleaning etc. I remeber with my eldest, we lived with my parents and sister for the first 5 weeks - I didn't lift a finger only to care for my son. No cooking, no cleaning, I had help on tap. when my son slept so did I. With subsequent babies that's impossible. I do think for some women it's purely a hormonal reaction. I think the part of medication in preventing pni is a very individual thing however, it can make a huge postive difference and nip the illness in the bud. I know for me, most of my physical symptoms lifted after the meds kicked in. they woudl reappear as I was recovering but my anxiety lifted completely, though I was left with depression which took longer to recover from. It's all very traumatic for you - I am sure the increase in meds will help. .Keep in touch with the dr for advice.
I also wanted to mention that I started on a very low dose of meds, citalopram inmy casew, which worked intially but then I had a bit of a slump so it was increased. I found out later than the low dose rarely works for long as it's too low.
wow amazing on the run - good for you! Where did you go? Have you got any tips for me? I did 5 k today - I'm so slow and can't seem to get faster, not that it matters really, but I have this competitive streak in me. You'll have to let me know how you get on!
Always remember this is your place to write whatever and however you like! Glad it helps to offload! and of course to remember you will get through this just like you did before! x
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