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Post by katemidlands on Aug 6, 2019 10:54:42 GMT
Hi
I am a very new mum from the Midlands. Our son was so badly wanted, and arrived after a history of miscarriage and ivf long after we had both given up on having children. He arrived through a traumatic birth - very long, on the hottest days in history when the wards were under pressure. As part of his birth he contracted bacterial meningitis. Thank goodness, we think he is going to be ok, but he very nearly wasn't.
Since we have known he will be ok it's as though my brain has stopped fighting for him - finding out about antibiotics and care plans and that kind of thing - and turned on itself. I feel like I have failed to protect him, and am still hurting him every day. Every time we touch his hand with his canula in for example. We also have some survivor's guilt - why have we been so lucky when other parents in the ICU haven't been?
Somehow this desperate need to keep him safe turned into terrible obsessive thoughts. How can I know I won't hurt him? What if I did something terrible and couldn't stop myself? I know this is linked to the trauma of the last few weeks but it is the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me and I am frightened I won't be able to parent my child because of it.
We are engaging with the mental health team and they say it is too early to pathologise what I have and we need to get my sleep sorted and us out of hospital first. I haven't got any answers right now, but will start CBT and am taking sleeping tablets. It is so hard though. I love my son so much and am so sad about not feeling I can keep him safe.
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Post by monica on Aug 7, 2019 8:53:44 GMT
Welcome!
Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I’m so sorry his start in life has been so traumatic but really relieved to hear he’ll be ok.
Please believe me these sometimes conflicting very intense thoughts or lack of thoughts can be common after such a traumatic event and can be symptoms of postnatal depression (we fall it postnatal illness as symptoms are frequently not isolated to depression) and post traumatic stress disorder. You really are not alone. In the way you’re feeling. I’m guessing your maternal instinct has understandably gone into overdrive where you even see harming your son can be a possibility. Just remember these are thoughts only in response to what has happened.
I became obsessed with my own and my children’s health - it consumed me day and night after I started getting really odd physical symptoms post natally.
It’s positive you’ve spoken to health care practitioners about the way you feel. Hopefully once you’ve left hospital and back at home the routine , baby being well willl lead to the thoughts fading away. If they don’t then there are many tools to help you.
Cbt is a really great technique in combatting these thoughts - I learnt a few techniques during recovery and they really helped me.
Another tool I used was to clap when a thought popped into my head - it can shock you into breaking the cycle though you might feel a bit silly. Or pethapsxwear an elastic band on your wrist and flick it when a distressing thought pops into your head.
Struggling with sleep must be so hard and can make symptoms worse too. What are the issues with sleep?
Please feel free to talk to us as we do understand x
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Post by monica on Aug 7, 2019 9:02:44 GMT
I just wanted to add you’re an amazing mum and will continue to be one. This trauma which was outbof your control has nothing to do with your ability to be a good parent. It’s probably knocked your confidence hugely so do try to focus on the positives you do - talking to your son, holding him , singing to him , changing his nappy - they are all positives that all parents do and really congratulate yourself for doing this. X
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