Unsure.

[spamalagee]

Hi there.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing or how to word things. I have a 3yr old and a 5wk old - both boys. I struggle with various mental health issues, including something called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (basically a severe PMS) and cyclothymia, which is a less extreme bipolar disorder.

With my eldest, I felt fine after I had him but this time, it's so different and there is literally no support there. I told my Health Visitor and Midwife almost immediately that something wasn't right and they just said, basically, see how you get on and contact your GP. I don't know what more my GP can do for me - I am heavily medicated with anti-depressants, with no wiggle room to increase the dosage. I've tried talking therapies previously but I have never found them to be of huge benefit.

I have totally isolated myself from most people. I can't stand how judgmental some other mothers can be. I am just not coping well and I am used to having 40 children in my care every day, so it's not like I shouldn't be able to cope. My family and my partner are great - I try to be honest with them but I just don't feel anything and naturally, they try to help but it doesn't take away the emptiness. I feel like I have entirely lost who I am - I feel unattractive, lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. I have cut ties with a lot of good friends and I rarely leave the house. I sit at home, all day, letting the television babysit while I eat my feelings. I feel guilty because I know my oldest is missing out on so much because I don't take him anywhere.

My pregnancy and labour were awful with my youngest. He then ended up in NICU with collapsing lungs so that hasn't helped feelings and my anxiety is through the roof, particularly with Covid still being around.

I just feel nothing. There are days when I sit and cry for hours, literally and I honestly, can't see any way to make it better. I don't know how long I've felt like this. I don't know if it was there with my 1st born because I have spent so many years just carrying on.

I was hoping that maybe I could find some advice and support here because I don't know where else to go.

[monica]

Hi Spamalagee

Welcome to our site! Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I'm sorry that this time round you haven't felt well and that you're not getting any support. It's not on that you feel you've been left hanging with no room for manoeuvre and you should never be left feeling that way as there is always hope and things that can be done. Feeling understood and supported by professionals goes such a long way.

Firstly, just because you're used to dealing with lots of kids (I'm guessing you're in teaching or similar), it's a completely different kettle of fish managing your own children, so don't compare yourself in your professional role where you can keep a professional distance to the experience with your own kids!! Having PNI to deal with also changes the dynamics hugely. I too got pni with my second child and was fine with my first and third. I coped well with my first and third kids, but when I was ill I lost the ability to do anything. This is a symptom of the illness and nothing to do with you as a person. This illness robs you of your confidence and with many mums, the desire to be with people which most of us actually need.

It sounds like you've been through hell and back following your youngest child's birth. I'm so sorry you went through that traumatic experience. Indeed, it can trigger post natal illness (PNI). Everything you've described are symptoms of an illness which can and will be treated .

From your post it's not clear, whether you've spoken to your gp. If you have and they've been of no help, please go to a different one. As your MH needs sounds quite complex with the meds you're on too please ask for referral to a perninatal mental health team - there will be one in your area. There you should be able to access specialist help including that of a psychiatrist who maybe can take a look at the meds you're on and tweak them. Also specialist support can go a long way. I know you said talking therapy didn't help you in the past, but someone to look at how you feel, give you strategies and make you feel less alone can really kick start your road to recovery.

I got pni as I mentioned after my second child. I didn't expect to get it especially as I was fine with my first child and it absolutely floored me. I changed from a happy go lucky type of person to a crying wreck who couldn't leave the house, couldn't look after the children - basically I had no life and felt there was not hope, like you. I wasn't able to care for my two kids and like you, was wracked with guilt.

If you like, I can go through strategies that helped me, perhaps you can give them a try? Recovery might not be quick nor easy but you will get better. I do think it's so important to get professionals on board even if it means you need to get through several before finding ones that will help you.

Please keep talking.

Monica x