I am falling apart

[Ajk]

I don't know what i'm doing here, my son is over a year old and i feel stupid for thinking i have pnd. I just can't seem to shake this misery, sometimes i feel as though i'm disapearing. Everything i was is gone and all the friends i had are now strangers. My mind feels heavy and i cry just because i can't even work out which thoughts are real and which are fake. My whole life seems fake to me, everything is about trying to make people think i'm ok. I just feel so isolated and confused. One minute i'm happy and a second later i feel as though life is a maze i just can't work out. I honestly hate myself, i won't go to meet friends cause i feel disgusted with myself. I don't want to tell people i'm a mother cause i can see that look in their eyes, the one that says 'oh poor you, what a failure you are' Oh i am going to stop now cause even admitting these feelings to myself is scary.

[Ajk]

I'm going to continue now cause i just read over it and it felt good to get it out. It does not matter if no one replies but i need to get this out.

Ok so here goes. I was bulimic when i was about 14 through to 17 and i have started throwing up my food again, no one knows about this. I throw up about 15 times a day even if it just water and i cannot stop. I am used to this though, i just never thought i would start it up again. About 6 months ago i slashed my leg up with a razor balde, and i still have scars. I have no idea why i did that, except for feeling horrible and wanting the pain i was feeling on the inside to show on the outside. All of this haunts me, makes me hate myself more yet i seem to hold onto it for some reason. Ok stopping now definitely cause i feel sick just thinking about it.

[Susan]

I know what you mean. I felt lost, useless, a BIG failure, hopeless and just about every other negative adjectives you can think of. My son was 13 months, I used to be strong, I had a responsible job, I couldn't possibly have PND could I? . I went to my GP under sufferance but thank God I did because I was diagnosed and with treatment (pills and counselling) did eventually start to turn the corner. Unbelievably the misery does start to lift with the right help. Book an appt with your GP - if they don't understand, change GP or try your health visitor - but please do get out there and talk to someone.

[Cath]

I know what you mean when you say life is a maze and you cant work it out. I think the thing to do is not to try to work it all out but just trust in your own goodness and the kindness of others, know that you are not alone in the way that you feel as many other people have been there or are there right now. Find the signpost in your maze that leads you to your heart and the powerful kindness and gentleness that is in there. Look after yourself to the best of your ability and accept care from others at this weak point in your life.

[Lixis Mum]

Hi Love

I know exactly how you feel. Been through it twice and 10 yrs on it hasn't changed at all. All I can say is that for me personally going to GP is best cos he put me on anti-d's and i think you could benefit from councelling too. I am also bulimic, although not to the extreme like yourself, but one day it could be.

I'm 32 now, and most ppl would say I should know better, but in matters of the heart and mind, sometimes we don't know what to do, or what is 'normal'.

You'll find that if you're bulimic, the same anti-d's will help you, but you'll need a higher dose. I'm on fluoxetine, also known as Prozac. The dose for bulimia is 60mg, for ordinary depression (as if you can call it ordinary!) is usually 20mg.

I've been battling this for years now, but I do get better every now and then. I'm grateful for all the times I'm 'well'. For your own mental health, please go to your GP, if you'd like to chat more personally to me, my e-mail address is: [e-mail]

Good Luck and let me know how you get on xx

[RACHEL]

I TOO AM BULIMIC AND HAVE BEEN FOR 10 YEARS. IT DID GET BETTER WHILE I WAS PREGNANT BUT NOW MY BABY IS 8 WEEKS OLD AND ITS BACK AGAIN ALONG WITH THE DEPRESSION.
MY HUSBAND HAS WALKED OUT TODAY AND SAYS HE ISNT COMING BACK, JUST TO TOP IT ALL OFF.
I HAVE TRIED LOTS OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS OVER THE YEARS BUT I THINK THE DEPRESSION AND EATING DISORDER IS HORMONE RELATED AND NO HAPPY PILLS ARE GOING TO WORK.
SORRY IT ISNT MUCH OF A HOPEFUL REPLY BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST TO PEOPLE WHO MAY UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE.

[Sadie]

I know exactly how you feel, that heavy feeling, not knowing what's real. I feel a fake too, I avoid all my friends and now I'm starting to get nervous around my family aswell. I don't go anywhere without my husband, or should I say my rock! I'm dreading him going back to work after the Xmas break cause he helps me get through the day.

I hate the numb feeling that anti-depressants give you. I want to get angry and cry but there's nothing, I'm empty and lonely inside, it feels as though there is nothing anymore. Everyday is just a chore to get through, although I must admit, talking to a professional and admiting there was a problem has helped a little. It's also helped my husband to understand the way I'm feeling and he is the best support I could ever wish for. I panic though because there's no-one for him to lean on and he can't stand up forever with all the weight I'm pushing on him.

My doctor has just prescribed fluoxetine to me because Imiprimine wasn't doing anything. I'm also receiving counselling once a week with cognitive therapy. but if someone tells me once more to sit down with a cup of tea, or take a little bit of time out to myself, I'm going to scream at them. Well, I did, last week, my poor husband took the brunt of it (so did my bedroom!). I lost control, hit things, myself and collapsed into a useless heap. It scared me because it wasn't me and I had no control over what was happening.

I've noted that many of you are bulimic, I've also started starving myself and using laxatives. I feel like I've achieved something if I don't eat - I'm almost proud of myself? I'm also drinking everyday, particularly with Xmas, it was a good excuse and people haven't questionned it.

I just can't see myself getting over this. I have terrible thoughts, sometimes I'm so angry, I can feel myself shaking when I pick up my 3 month old son and I think I'm a bit rough with him at times. My 21 month old son just wants to cuddle me when he sees me upset, when I'm feeling really bad, I just want to scream at him to leave me alone. I've locked myself in the bathroom to try and calm down but I'm scared that I'm losing that control, especially after the incident the other day. I feel so bad, like I'm ruining their lives, and that of my husband's.

How is this ever going to go away. How can someone talking to me every week make it all better. I just keep reading that women have sufferered for years, I can't cope with that. The doctor reckons I never really got over it after I had my first son, before falling pregnant again. What makes all this worse, is that we think I was depressed for several years before falling pregnant the first time.

[Debb]

TEXT
when i read these letters i realise what i am feeling as i have never really allowed myself to feel anything real only what i tell myself... i also feel fake and like everything is hard. I was also bulemic, thats more than a coincidence!!! i feel very lost and ashamed. I luckily have a wonderful guy and baby daughter who i love deeply and it makes me very sad that her mummy is like this and his girl is messed up. Sometimes i feel like bursting out of my skin and not letting anyone touch me any way anytime. isnt that awful. My head hurts all the time and i just want to scream. It takes all my energy to pretend. Some things i dont pretend, god its too confussing. see ya Debb