Lack of support from partner

[st]

Anne & AC - you've started me off too now.

It's so unfair, their life hardly changes - they still go to work, still get their sleep!!! Coz my husband never gets up either, not that he can breastfeed! What's worse is when he says, 'oh, he wasn't too bad last night, I hardly heard him at all' when I've been up every hour or so!

My husband did really try - I think loosing control and watching me throw furniture around may have had something to do with his realisation that things were worse than he thought. But since the Christmas break, he's gone back to work and he's getting stressed there etc., and things have gone back to 'normal'.

He keeps asking me if i'm alright! I've had to say to him that just because he's seen me coping a bit better that doesn't mean it's all gone away!

I'm trying to be honest with him but I get so angry that I've started hiding things from him again and not talking about everything. He was being so supportive and no he's turned back into 'mr i'm right, cheer up love'.

When is this going to end ........................?

[Anne]

Hi st and ac

You are so right their lives hardly change at all - they can still get up in the morning knowing that they will speak to other normal people and just head of in the car leaving you in floods of tears. I almost think he cant wait to get out the door.

Like you, I don't talk to my husband much - this has gone on so long for me - 21 months - that he is fed up hearing it and I think he thinks I make half of it up.

I have the panic attacks like ac - I still to this day have nightmares about the birth. My husband has to do the shopping still because I will not go with the baby as I am so scared that she will cry, misbehave, , scream or do anything out of my control. I have fled the shop in tears before. I know he feels it is a bit extreme after all this time but just managing within my own 4 walls is bad enough.

You are not alone

Anne x

[Elaine]

Hi Girls

I'm so glad you have brought up this issue. I thought perhaps I was a moany, lazy so and so who should just got on with everything. My partner, although I love him dearly, does seem to expect me to do everything, and although I am almost through this pig of an illness I do still get bad days and his attitude really makes it worse.

Do you find if you ask them to perhaps feed baby or give them a bath, it is almost as if you are asking them to do the impossible. I get a big sigh and then an 'okay'. I look after my little girl all day, play with her, make her meals, take her out, try and get some housework done!!! Then it's bath time, cuddle time and then to bed. What annoys me then is that I come downstairs to find my partner on the pc with all the toys strewn across the floor but he has no intention of tidying them up. I then clear up, and start making the dinner. I don't usually sit down until about 8 and feel exhausted. But the minute I say anything he accuses me of always moaning at him. I just cannot win.

So sorry to go on about that, as I know many of you are suffering a great deal more than me. But I still get bad days and find this just makes me feel even worse.

I think men forget that although we are now mothers, we are also women who need their own space and time and a chance to do something they want to do!!

I think we should ask our hubby's/partners to look after our babes for a day, just to make them aware how demanding it is, especially when you are suffering from PND also. They have no idea!

Phew, I feel better for that!

Best wishes

Elaine
xx

[eloise]

Hi everyone,

I'm very lucky, I have a very supportive partner and he does help me a lot with the baby. I'm not saying this to make any of you feel bad though.

I have just read what elaine has wrote about getting our men to look after our babes for a day to see just how bl**dy difficult and hard work it is. Well, recently I had to go into hospital for a small operation, where I had to be put under general anaesthetic and my partner had to look after our baby for that day and a couple of days after because I wasn't allowed to be responsible for any young children! I had expressed enough milk for the week (just in case), so I didn't have to be bothered for anything! Anyway, my partner did it and he was just about standing when I was able to do it all again. He told me I'm never to say I'm useless again, because I do so much and he didn't realise just how much I did. However, I think this made him realise a lot and ever since then he's been much more supportive and offers to take the baby from me. As beforehand, I would get the whole sighing and "I'm tired" and "But I've been at work all day"

Maybe you should go out for an evening saying that you are going to leave your patners with your babes - you've already got everything that your babes need for the evening - there's no excuse they can come up with, but you go out the door before they can come up with one.

I don't know whether this will help, inspire or give someone a glimmer of hope, but I really hope that it does, because they can change - it does happen!!